Gifts from the God of Life!

Happy Trails!

2008-09-15T17:23:00.008-05:00

Well, this is it. The adoption is done, we've settled in to life with four kiddos, and I think it's time to officially move all this back over to my original blog (http://ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. Click the title of this post to jump over there now... and be sure to bookmark me so you can come back for a visit! I have so enjoyed devoting all this time to Meg's adoption, dreaming of her before we knew her, and all the support the blog community has offered me.

Thank you, sincerely, to everyone who has commented. Honestly, I would check my e-mail for news from the agency, then the very next thing I would do is look for comments on the blog because they were always so encouraging and it was always so good to hear from folks who "knew" my struggles first hand. The only way you can possibly know what you have meant to me through our adoption is if you have walked it and lived it, and to all of you who have, I am SO SO SO grateful! You truly brought me through so many storms with your comments, your prayers, and your sharing of your own lives through your respective blogs.

I really hope that all of you will join me over at "Living the Dream"
. If not, I will miss hearing from all your fun and wise comments, as well as sharing that part of my life with my "virtual friends."

On one parting note regarding Meg, I feel that we have really turned a corner with her in the past few weeks in terms of her attachment. She is showing all the classic signs that she has accepted her new life and is embracing us as her family. She makes great eye contact, she turns to us when she is hurt or upset, she displays normal toddler emotions in appropriate ways (i.e. hardly ever hits or scratches), ventures out on her own into other rooms now, can let me get out of her sight for short bursts of time without falling apart, clings on to us when we hold her, buries her head in our chests when she is upset, goes to bed with no problem at all and wakes at a normal hour each morning. She is eating constantly. I can't wait to get back to Dr. Heil's office and see what she weighs now because the girl has food in her mouth 24x7. I know this is also typical PI behavior, but it's within normal range and not obsessive so I am not too overly concerned about it. I just try to give her healthy choices and let her eat several small meals throughout the day.

I wish the ladies at the orphanage could see her now. She has this goofy sense of humor. Just today she was sitting on the potty (her idea, not mine) and she kept crossing her eyes (I mean to the point where I thought they would disappear behind her nose) and laughing hysterically. She loves the dogs. She is the most limber person I've ever seen, she sits in her car seat and cracks her brothers up by putting her feet behind her head and smacking her legs.

We had so much fun today getting out all our fall clothes, the weather is turning cooler here. To steal a line from the Indigo Girls, "summer's beginning to give up the fight." It's this time of year that my thoughts always turn to Russia naturally because we made our first ever trip to Russia in September of 2000. So, with that, it seems a very fitting time and place to say farewell to this chapter of our life and move on to the next chapter, the full on adventure of parenting three boys and a beautiful little girl.

God bless you, and keep you safely in the palm of His ever loving hand! I will continue to pray for each and every one of you whose children are yet in the hands of their Father and longing for the love of a family.

Ephesians 1:5
"he destined us for adoption to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will."

Happy Trails! Ondrea Harrison
"Every child deserves to have someone who knows them. Someone who knows what
they like for dinner. Someone who knows that math is hard for them.
Every child deserves a mother. For some children, this can only be achieved through adoption!
Please continue to pray for orphans everywhere!"

Forsaken

2008-09-10T14:02:00.008-05:00

I am in the process of blending my blogs, but while this is still Meg's blog alone, I want to write a bit of a parting post. A sort of summation of some things I want on the record for her.

I have been reading the book The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans this past week. It has stirred up some very deep and suppressed emotions in me for the birth mothers that gave life to three of my children. I can say first hand, as a bio mom myself, that I cannot imagine having to come to the realization that my child would have better chances at life without me than with me. I think sometimes birth moms get "villianized" by their choices, and certainly in this book about the abandoned girls in China, many people judge these birth mothers for their actions. But the first thing I want to point out is that all of these mothers chose life for their children. This wasn't a flippant act as abortion is readily available in both Russia and China. This was a selfless act on the part of these women to at least give this child a shot at life. And how thankful I am that these three precious women did. They will all (two Galina's and an Aziza) forever be in my prayers and thoughts for the gifts they have given me in my children. As Beth Moore says so perfectly, "There has never in the history of the world been an unwanted adopted child." No truer words were ever spoken, just ask any adoptive mom!

The first passage I came to in the book that stirred a chord with me was this, "Translated, one document says simply that this little girl was 'found forsaken'..." This quote, in referrence to the author's daughter sent a chill down my spine. In a way, all our children have been forsaken. But it's such an emotional word. It raises such difficult images in my mind. Probably from my Christian upbringing where forsaking Christ is such a huge sin, it carries, for me, connotations of gravely ill intent. However, I don't think that there is ill intent in many of the cases of orphans around the world. We simply can't imagine a life where the greatest majority of our effort and thoughts are based on survival, not on inward emotions or concerns. But certainly, this word, forsaken, does apply to all but the minority of children who are true orphans (meaning both parents are deceased.) However, by forsaking their children, these mothers gave their children to me and the most amazing fulfillment of God's grace and love came from that forsaking. This reenforces my belief that all life has a right to exist and that God can redeem even the most lowly of situations, even the forsaken!

The second thing I marked in this book was a bit less depressing, and much more about the fulfillment that only adoption can bring in so many cases. The paragraph reads this way, "When I hugged her, she felt full and warm - and necessary - in my arms, as if she were settling into a dent in my chest that I hadn't realized was so cavernous. Babies are made for this, I know, thanks to some evolutionary scheme that opens mysterious places in us into which only babies can fit." This reminded me of my daughter. There were so many times when this process got difficult (and believe me, my first two adoptions were a breeze compared to this one) when I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. Maybe I had exceeded my quotient on blessings and I should stop while I was ahead. Maybe I was asking too much to know the love of a daughter. But when I got off that plane with her in Nashville, I had the revelation that the cavernous place in my chest that had longed for a daughter was filled and that there was no question in my mind that my family was complete. The years of doggedly pursuing these children had culminated in this perfect moment, in the Nashville airport, surrounded by most of the people who really matter to me in my life. It was a moment that is equal in my heart to any moment I have ever experienced to date.

A more stark and disturbing part of this book is the time she devotes to the devastating reality of life in China (or Russia too, for that matter) where parents are forced to forsake thousands of untold children each year. The details are different in Russia and China, but the circumstances surrounding the reasons are not all that different. Families have more children than they can afford to feed. Couples have exceeded the limit of children they can sustain. Single women with no support network find themselves pregnant and alone in the world. It comes down to survival many, many times. Even sadder, often, are the single moms who try to care for their children, in a valiant effort of love, but fail miserably because they are incapable due to alchohol dependency, social circumstance, or economic hardship. Many times, it's these children, whose mother's make the easier choice to hold on to their child, who suffer the most. And these children, who spend the first months or years with their mother, who enter the orphanages older and with decreased chances at every finding a family. Karin says in her book, "Flying home from China with my arms full, I had a bittersweet feeling. Mixed with the waves of gratitude about our own good fortune was a kind of undercurrent, a faint cry in the distance. It had to do, I realized, not just with lingering questions about the babies' lost mothers and fathers, but also with the vague knowledge of the other lost children. Numbers to big to grasp circled around." I know this feeling. Not just understand or grasp this feeling, but in my bones, hurt with her kind of know. I have this bittersweet emotion for Russia. I long for the well-being of my dear friends there. I understand the struggle of the people. And I am also accutely aware that I profited for the state of their economy. Mrs. Evans says, "All it takes to bring the statistics to life is to look into the face of one small child. Then all the numbers come with faces - and they are not easy to look in the eye." What do I do with all that knowing? Where do I go with that when I put my head on the pillow at night? One of my favorite books, The Poisonwood Bible, has a character talking about being hungry. She says once you've known real, bone-deep hunger, you can never fully love again someone who hasn't experienced that hunger. I agree. There is a barrier that unwittingly fits itself forever between me and people who don't "know" the pain of orphans and the burden for them. You don't have to be an adoptive parent to "get it." You just have to "get it."

Finally, I would like to end by saying that I have a debt that is unpayable to Mary Margaret's birth mother. I can't imagine the life of this woman, a foreigner in St. Petersburg Russia, a minority immigrant in a country where racial predjudice is still spoken about openly and an accepted way of thinking in many cases. I can only hope that her life is not a statistic, but that Meg came to be by a difficult life situation, not a way of life that haunts this woman. However, I do wish I knew with certainty. I wish I could tell her how exceedingly beautiful her daughter is. I wish she could see her laugh, run, fight for herself, defend her brothers against others, and learn new words every single day. I wish she could know that the daughter she forsook, now sleeps in a pink princess room and wears dresses almost every day of her life. I wish she could see how brave she is, sitting next to the dog while he eats and petting him, throwing the ball for our 85 pound Golden like he is a Chihuaha. I wish I could ask her 1,000 questions about herself and link some of Meg's funny and quirky behaviors to a parent or grandparent. Will she have a talent for music or sports? Will she like dark haired boys or fair? These questions will likely go unanswered forever and continue to reveal themselves to us as little gifts and surprises every day for the rest of Meg's life. I wish I could let her birth mother know that the haunting thoughts she must have can be quieted because she is safe and loved and wanted! Meg has a future and a promise because of the selfless act of this woman and I wish I could let her know!

Mark 11:25
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Speak now or forever hold your peace!

2008-09-07T19:48:00.003-05:00

Okay all you faithful few readers, I am asking for your input. Please come out of hiding and post your thoughts. Here's the topic... what should I do with my blog? I feel that more and more, my two blogs are melding and the separation between life with four kids and adoption are blurring. Meg's blog seems to become less and less about the journey to adopt her and more and more about life with her. But that leaves me with a tough choice to make when life with her overlaps life with my boys (which, obviously, is every day.) SO, here's the question... if there are tons of folks who feel like this blog is helpful from an adoption standpoint and would not want to weed through the funny stories about my parenting snafus and just general muckety muck to get to that, then by all means, I'll keep it separate. And I know that sometimes as an adoptive parent, I didn't tune in nearly as much to the "family" blogs as I did to the adoption only blogs. So, I totally understand if your vote is to keep it separate.

In other news, we are fostering another Golden this week. (Shhh, if you see my husband, don't tell him. He's out of town and doesn't know.) Anyway, I know, I know... as my neighbor put it, "Things were calm yesterday so I feel ready for the step of adding a foster dog to the mix." hahaha Anyway, I'm a sucker for anything homeless and when the rescue lady called and begged me, I couldn't turn her down. After all, we've had some very interesting fosters in the past (see my other blog for stories about our narcoleptic puppy... who happened to be named Meg.) Anyway, I digress, again. Our new foster is Luke. He's a total sweety. He is on the floor in Meg's room as we speak, sleeping by her bed. The door is open, as always, so he can come out whenever he wants, but he is just laying there next to her. So sweet! I'm telling you, Golden's can have annoying traits, not the least of which is all the shedding, but you'll never find a sweeter breed with children. They are positively maternal!

So, please don't forget to voice your opinions on the blog poll.

James 1:5
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Ondrea

Things I love....

2008-09-06T20:21:00.003-05:00

I love that my daughter is so girly!

I love that she moves her dress out of the way of the door when she is getting into her cozy coupe.

I love that she is tough. She will fake drama cry with the best of them, but when she is really hurt, she recovers really quickly. Tonight she ran hard into the edge of a table at Bosco's. She knocked herself onto the floor, cheerios flying, and literally cried so hard she almost threw up, but she was over it in about three minutes and onto something else. She has her first shiner though.

I love that she knows what she wants. Sometimes it's the bain of my existance, but I do know in the long run that she will be more able to resist peer pressure and stand up to the things she knows aren't right for her.

I love that everywhere we go, people stare at her and comment on how beautiful she is.

I love that I love her so much and am so contented and completed by having her in my life.

I love that when I started to put these jeans on her today (albeit fluffy/girly jeans) she cried and did not want to put them on! :)

I love that she runs sqeauling for her daddy whenever she sees him. If he's been gone two seconds or two days, she runs to him when she sees him.

I love that she is mine and that she has been here two months and it already feels like she's been here her entire life.

I can't believe that two months ago, her little tummy had not seen the light of day, and now she wears a bikini and boats and swims. Two months ago, she had never seen beyond the eight foot walls of her orphanage, now she has been to Moscow, Atlanta, and Nashville along with a million other things she has experienced outside those walls.

I look at her and all the ways her world has changed in the past two months, how adored she is by her brothers and her extended family, not to mention her doting mother and father, and I just can't help but marvel at the miracle God has performed for her and for us. It's truly amazing to think about.

I talked alot about that red thread thing the Chinese believe. Last night I read the belief of the red thread is that when we are born, there is an invisible red thread tied around each of our ankles, linking us to our "destiny" in life. The thread may be wound around many people, through several countries and over many decades, but our lives are spent following that red thread to the other end, the other "ankle" it's tied around. I believe that all four of my children were connected to Brian and I by the red thread and now we all have a red thread trailing behind us, hanging from our ankles, everywhere we go, because God allowed us to find each other.

Someone asked me yesterday if having a daughter was everything I thought it would be. My answer? "I am complete. I have no regrets in this life from here forward. I know that my children are home. I am content! I know that my heart will always be with orphans. I know it's my life calling to continue to be connected to them. But I know beyond a doubt that I am done adopting and that all my children are home! I am happy and fulfilled! I am complete."

Above all and every thing, with every cell of my being I know that God has spared me from myself. He brought my children into my life to save me from an empty and baren existence. He rescued me and redeemed me through the beautiful lives of these four little souls. He gave me a purpose on the earth and a promise for the future. He has lavished me with His mercy, love, and kindness through the gifts of these precious ones. I am thankful for two months with my precious daughter. And I am thankful for the abundant blessing that is my family.

Isaiah 30:18
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compasion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

On vacation from Bloggerland

2008-09-03T22:58:00.003-05:00

Sorry folks, I have been on a little vacation from Bloggerland. Though it's hard to call it a "vacation" the way my nerves are all up in a knot. But still, I must admit I've been rendevousing in another place lately and it's severely cut into my blog time. I've been in Election World. Last week we made a stop off at the DNC. It was a very feel good place to visit. But this week we are at RNC and of course, you know, I have to say this feels alot more like home! So, sorry if you tuned in hoping for an adoption update and all you're getting is my take on how freakin' amazing the GOP ticket is this time... I mean, this is the dream team! But it's history in the making and I want to record it for my daughter. I mean, think of this, if McCain/Palin win this election, PALIN will be the incumbent presidential candidate in either four or eight years. A WOMAN on the top of the ticket, almost by default. That is something that I would love to see in my lifetime! This is your fair warning... it's getting ready to get seriously one sided in here and if you can't take the heat or don't care about my opinion... PLEASE stop reading now before your image of me plummets!
So, excuse me while I get all fired up here, but I just got booted off the TV and now all these psyched up emotions have to go somewhere.... here are the top five reasons I'm voting for McCain/Palin:
1) Most important, in my opinion, is that the next president will most likely appoint at least one (probably two) supreme court justices. If you ever were serious about being pro-life, this is your chance to really put your money where your mouth is. It's most likely my generation's last shot at righting the wrong of Roe v. Wade. Think about it, once these two justices are replaced, the court is fairly young (it's a lifetime appointment) and the scales will tip liberal or conservative with THIS presidency. There is no turning back from the coming appointments and this is our shot! Imagine a world where it's not a Constitutional RIGHT to kill an unborn baby, but rather a decision that each state can make for it's own residents. (And don't give me all the BS scenarios about days when abortion was illegal and women were forced into back allies. You could make that argument about every criminal in the history of time being forced to commit their crime in secrecy because their chosen evil was illegal. How 'bout we go ahead and legalize heroine so addicts don't have to hang in crack houses with dirty needles. K? K!) And also don't give me the one about there being some things worse than death. If you're going to use that standard to support abortion, I can pretty much guarantee you would have chosen death for three of my four children, after all, they were born into a struggling country, to parents who were less than ideal in the parenting field, and left in institutions that couldn't fulfill their most basic needs. Their chances at a "normal" life were VERY slim statistically and the chance that they would escape the cycle that put them there in the first place was even more grim... so by the "some things are worse than death" scenario, my kiddos wouldn't be here and that is pretty much saying God is limited in how far down He can redeem someone. Now that we're clear on my pro-life stance, let's move on before I get militant.
2) Fred Thompson nailed it when he summed up the Obama tax plan. Obama keeps saying he's not going to tax the average American, just the wealthy and businesses. As Thompson said, "Okay, this will only affect you if you happen to buy something from a business like gas, clothes or groceries." Come on people, Democrats are supposed to be the "enlightened ones" (you know you all say it behind our backs) but this is very simple economics! You can do the math... stay with me here!
3) McCain is an American hero. When's the last time we had one of those in the White House? Seriously, when did you ever, in our time, see a guy that you could just get fired up about how much he gave for our country? This guys spent YEARS in a POW camp and when he was coming back from being tortured by the Vietnamese, he would give the thumbs up to the other POWs as he passed their cells to encourage them on their way too. Talk about moral character... tested, proven! McCain speaks from conviction and there are plenty of things he's said that are less than popular with Republicans. This is why I loved him in 2000, why I loved him in the primaries and why I'm diverting adoption blog space to talk about him now. You may not agree with him, but you have to respect his moral character.
4) Obama scares me. I know that there are alot of people who don't want to answer or don't know how to answer the question about Obama sitting under a pastor like Jeremiah Wright for 20 years. I have yet to hear an intelligible argument for why he thought that was a good idea, unless he agrees with his radical views. Here you have a guy that believes the AIDS virus was created by the government to implant in the black population and he is fervently convicted that we brought 9/11 on ourselves and went so far as to damn our country. People want to say that maybe these are just a few and infrequent sermon series and that on an average Sunday, he was a "normal" pastor. Folks, you aren't that on fire about something and not be spewing it all the time. When you are passionately convicted about something, you LIVE it, you BREATHE it, and you better believe you're talking about it if you have a captive audience. A very very dear friend of mine pointed out to me that if Obama really embraced Wright's teachings, he would undoubtedly show signs of the same level of crazed thinking. However, I also really believe that when you are as smooth and polished as the past few Dem candidates we've seen, you rarely make a misstep. I leave you with Bill and Hill for prime examples, everything they do (down to the last tear and hand-hold) or say is calculated for dramatic affect. Obama is no less a politician than the HillBills and no less eloquent and driven, and I firmly believe anti-American thinking could be well smothered under the layers. At the very least, he's been exposed to dangerously radical thinking from someone he considers a mentor.
5) COME ON.... WHERE is the adoption community here? People, RISE UP! An International Adoptee in the White House? Do you really think we would need to spread around these e-mails asking people to call their Senators to support making the tax credit permanent if the first daughter was an international adoptee? Just as Sarah Palin promised that every family with a special needs child would have a friend in the White House, so will every International Adoptee!

And here's a bonus #6 reason to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket... because I'm one of those "small town" people who "bitterly cling to my guns and my religion"!

Okay, now, Meg Update.... breaking news! I'm NOT taking her back to MDO. I spent the last two days trying to undo the affects of the classroom environment and that was with me sitting with her. To the average eye, this would not probably even look like a problem. She hasn't been scratching or hitting or any of that, but she has been more sensitive and more clingy and she has been just generally sorting things out. I think it's spooked her. Today we were at the Y playing in Kids Gym with Connor and a well-meaning staffer picked her up to show her something and she just about totally lost it! So, I'm taking my mom's advice. I'm hiring a housekeeper, spending the time with Meg, and cob-webs be darned... hopefully the social worker will not bring her white gloves when she comes to do our post placement visit. :)

I'm reading a book right now called "The Lost Daughters of China." It's fascinating! And it has me thinking ALOT about Meg's birth mother, wherever she is in Russia or Uzbekistan. I am saving it for a separate post, but wanted to share the book title because it's a very thought-provoking look at the abandonment of children, especially in China, and the circumstances that surround it and how some parents are left with very little choice. I'll start to recommend it to all those well-meaning folks who judge my kids' birthmoms and say, "I could never abandon my child." We live such a life of unparalelled choices and freedoms and wealth that most of us really can't imagine situations where we would abandon a child, but that's because fortune smiled on us and bore us into the Land of the Free!

Deuteronomy 11:19
"Teach these things to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Or maybe not?

2008-09-02T12:17:00.003-05:00

School started today for Connor and Meg. I dropped a very reluctant Connor off in his four year old Pre-K class. I still don't understand why this child, who has attended the same school, classes all on the same hall, for two years (starting his third) cries EVERY time I drop him off. I know the teachers can't be mean to him because other kids in his class run in excited to be in school. But, still, there's Connor, a year away from Kindergarten, not wanting to separate from Mom.

After I dropped Connor off, I went upstairs to the nursery with Meg. She is registered for two days/week in the 18-24 month room. She definitely enjoyed playing with the other kids. She played on the slide in the room, played with the different toys and listened to the teacher read a few books. She sat on the rug for circle time, but didn't really participate. I stayed with her the entire time 1) to get her used to the room and 2) to see how she would do in the setting. It was pretty stressful to her. She didn't cry at all, but she kept coming over to me and pinching my arm. When the teacher brought out the snacks, Meg would take some from the teacher, walk over and put them in my hand, and then eat them from me. While these are all terrific signs that she is connected to me, they are not such a ringing endorsement for this being a good idea with Mothers Day Out. I have parented long enough to know not to judge a situation by a one time experience. We will try it again on Thursday, I will stay with her again, and we'll see how it goes. As she gets more comfortable with me there, then I might be able to leave her for short bursts of time, even if it's just to go to the grocery or to run somewhere for a moment. But on the other hand, it's so not worth jeopardizing the progress we've made for me to have a few hours of privacy. I can just as easily do all those things with her in tow, just like I did with Connor, and we'll manage. Connor didn't start MDO until he was 2. Liam didn't either. Jack was the only one who went to day care before his second birthday, and that was because I was working. Ironically, he was the most bonded and quickly transitioned of all four of my kiddos. (Well, no one is more bonded than Connor, but that's another story.) Anyway, there have been so many posts lately about families having to transition their kids into day-care and how difficult it has been on these families. All I could think of when I was sitting there in that room was that so many families would give their front teeth to be home with their kiddos and here I am, home, and just putting her into mother's day out so I can get my house cleaned, etc. Like I said, we'll give it a few more days, but right now I'm thinking I'll just take the pre-school tuition and pay a housekeeper and spend the one on one time with my daughter instead.

Psalm 32:8
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

These are the days....

2008-08-28T22:45:00.002-05:00

I want to thank all of you for your posts both on and off blog. I also want to say that the ones that mean the absolute most to me (and coincidentally are the entire reason I posted in the first place) are the ones that say someone was encouraged by my post or appreciated knowing they were "normal" or not alone in their experience. That's the whole and total reason I share the dirty details of a day in our life.

But now let me also say, because SO many of my friends and family (thank you so much) have been very concerned about Meg since I posted this. I want to tell you that 90% of our day is a very normal looking day for a family of six. Meg is an absolutely DELIGHTFUL child. She is fun, go with the flow, eager to learn and be a part of every thing that goes on here. She is daring, more and more every day she tries new things and tackles new words. She is happy and giggling and squealing and running and jumping and playing in the rain with her brothers and trying SO hard to ride a tricycle. She is learning sign language like nobodies business and just tonight she pulled out a new one on me (Help) which I had only shown her once, when she wanted me to cut a plum for her. So, the angry fits I described in the past post are a reality in our life. They break my heart. They make me realize we have further to go than I thought we did. BUT, they are not how we live our days. And in fact, I may have discovered the beginning of the end of the fits anyway.

As I mentioned I called my friend who is an attachment therapist (if you need one in the Nashville area, you are crazy if you don't call her... but you'll have to call me to get her number because she doesn't have a blog, though she should... but I digress... again.) Anyway, it so happened that on Wednesday I was in her office for some training on a whole separate issue unrelated to our adoption and after the training class was over she said she had about ten minutes and for me to write down some games for Meg from her Thera Play book. The games are fun, but that wasn't the progress. I told her that I thought I had discovered the way to remove Meg's "power" when she hits me and she patted me on the back as if she had been waiting a very long time for me to realize that this was the correct path, young Jedi. And that is that I TOTALLY ignore it. I don't acknowledge it in any way, other than I am sure I flinch sometimes because she can get a good whack in. I don't talk about it, I don't look at her, I don't look like anything even happened. The fit is immediately diffused. We have been doing this since Wednesday and she has stopped hitting so much. Also, when she does hit, she usually will hit me two, maybe three times and when it gets no reaction, she tries to get a laugh out of me by pulling my hair over my eyes, playing peek-a-boo, or making a funny face. When she does that, we laugh together and move on. Like I said, the hitting has decreased dramatically, so instead of 25 times a day she's smacking me and we are going through the whole "reconnection" dance, now I think we had two times today when she hit me and both of them were after 7:00 (past her bedtime because we were at Jack's baseball game) and she was hungry because the ham and cheese she had at 5:30 had left her and she was signing "eat" over and over.) So I think in this circumstance, all she knew to do to get her point across was whack me. But even then, when I didn't react, she moved on. So I am sure, like everything else, just when I have a little success, we'll take two steps backward, but for the past two days, we've made great strides toward a less violent expression of anger. If you saw us together as a family or she and I one on one you would never think anything was wrong.

I do, however, keep reminding myself that even though she isn't hitting me, she is still not used to being reconnected with after a "rupture" in a relationship. So I do have to keep making sure that I consciously reconnect even if she seems fine. More times than not, she is so sad when I tell her no, and it's like it has just hurt her last feeling.

So, now that we're clear on how wonderful, perfect, precious, beautiful, and absolutely delightful my daughter is, you can all feel free to agree with me in some more comments! :)

And oh, yeah, I am so excited to be "bumping into" other bloggers that are in Nashville that I didn't know about. How exciting! :)

And another Oh Yeah, I got my new, fabulous ERGO baby Carrier in the mail this week. If you don't have one and if you are adopting or if you are a baby wearer, please do yourself a HUGE favor and get this thing. It's AMAZING!!!! I have terrible back pains when I wear my old carrier and Meg was not fitting right in the sling (maybe too tall??) but the Ergo is AMAZING! Did I say that already? I wore Meg through an entire 1.5 hour PTO meeting, standing 90% of the meeting. She actually fell asleep in front of 35 women with me talking to the group, that's how secure she felt in it. And my back never had a pain. When I took her off and into her car seat, I wasn't sweaty, my back didn't ache and I was happy to have gotten through the meeting without incident. So.... two thumbs up for the Ergo! :)

God is GOOD all the time!

Psalm 71:5
"For you have been my hope, O Sovereighn Lord, my confidence since my youth."

Her precious broken heart....

2008-08-25T21:30:00.003-05:00

Meg's heart is broken. I didn't realize how broken it was because she was holding it together pretty well for a little sprite. But it's broken and now that she is starting to realize I'm here for good, she's lettin' it all hang out. I will caution you, this post is not for the faint of heart. Mom, you might want to stop reading now because I might really freak you out, but here goes.

Meg has regressed a bit in her behavior. This is totally normal. I know all the text-book answers to why this is happening. I have seen the diagrams and illustrations on attachment theory, etc. etc. etc. I have even attended classes as a social worker on counseling families on attachment parenting, etc. But when you see a little bitty heart that is YOUR heart, YOUR daughter, and it's broken and you can't "fix" it, then it's really sad. Anyway, regression is normal. It's like any normal developmental stage, you learn a skill and then you might regress just a little while you're figuring out how to utilize that skill. I didn't freak out too much when she started rejecting Brian on Thursday of last week. I know these things ebb and flow. I know that she is hitting more, but that too will just take time, after all, it's only been about six weeks. However, I put my foot down today when she started scratching and clawing at my face with a mournful cry that was primal and terrifying. I was not going to let myself go on in the idea that it's normal when it's that deep. So I called my friend, Marianne, who is one of the best attachment therapists in our area, and she just happens to be one of my dearest friends. She is truly an ANGEL that God sent into my life before we ever adopted because He knew I was going to need her for a very long time. I can't tell you what this woman has brought me through in the ten years I've known her, I owe her a huge debt. But anyway, back to today.

Marianne explained to me that although Meg has been corrected, there has never been a reconnection after the correction. She was told No, or whatever, and then left to get over it whether she liked it or not. She had to figure out how to regulate those emotions on her own. Now that I am trying to reconnect with her after a correction, she doesn't know what to do with the emotion it brings out in her. So, it goes like this: Meg does something (marking on the walls, hitting the TV, hitting me, hitting her brother, trying to get candy, etc. etc.) and I very gently say, "Let's do X instead." I try not to say "no" because I know that just immediately sends her into a puddle of tears. So she throws herself on the floor and cries. I go to her to try to calm her and I pick her up. She hits me. I take her hand and tell her "gentle touch" and try to rub her hand on my face (which I have been doing for weeks and she usually smiles, rubs my face, and all is well again.) This time she grabs my hair and pulls very hard. I don't react, I just take her hand back to my face and say, "Nice touch." She scratches the heck out of my face and grabs for another handful of skin. I put her in the baby hold position and just gently sway with her, shushing and rubbing her face and hands and hair and softly telling her it's okay, Mommy loves her, etc. etc. etc. She is crying this terrified mournful cry like she is lost on the ocean or something. My heart is absolutely breaking for her.

So of course, I start to think of all the things I have done that were probably too much for her. I shouldn't have let my neighbor hold her during the PTO meeting. I shouldn't let the neighborhood girls come and play with her, I should play with her more and on and on. I called Marianne... what should I do?

Marianne is truly a God-send. First, she tells me that I'm not exactly approaching it right. Marianne has this great way of saying, "That's okay, but next time you might try.... " She says that I should usually be the one to initiate the "repair", but I don't need to pick her up. I need to go sit near her with my arms out and softly ask her to come to me. She said that I should let her have her blanket (her preferred item of comfort) during the episode, with the goal that I will eventually be the replacement for the blanket, but until then, she needs the thing that has helped her calm herself in the past. I should just sit with her until she is calm enough and ready to come to me.

So, tonight we have another episode, very similar to the one in the afternoon that sent me calling my personal 911 (because I told her it was time for bed and we couldn't draw anymore.) This time, I handled it totally differently. I was already holding her because I had started toward her room. She started pulling my hair and scratching at me and sobbing. I tried to kiss her hands and she scratched my lower eye-lid (pretty good too.) This time, I immediately got her blanket and sat down in the rocker with her. She was still sobbing, but she put the blanket up to her face, like she always does when she's sleepy, nervous, etc. etc. and within less than two minutes, she took her finger and started rubbing my lips. (Not her whole hand because she couldn't let go of the blanket.) But I took this as a sign that she was calm enough to meet me in the repair instead of me having to force the repair on her.

Yesterday, when I tried to reconnect, she didn't have her blanket and I held her and rocked her, but she was crying so hard that she gagged several times. I think this was somewhat for dramatic affect because she would always look at me to see how I would react. I would just say, "It's okay, if you need to throw up, I'll be here to help you when it's over." She ended up crying herself to sleep in my arms, which I think was partly just to escape the whole scene, she just shut down. I held her and rocked her for a long time afterwards with her doing the after-cry snivel. It was a sweet moment, but a difficult moment too. However, that was yesterday.

Today, the disconnects were much shorter and the one where I allowed her to have her blanket was almost no time, less than five minutes, I'd say. And she was rubbing my lip and whispering to me and it was precious. Marianne says the goal is for her to need me and not the blanket, eventually, but that right now, all the feelings and emotions she is experiencing are overwhelming to her and that is the one thing that is comfortable so I don't want to take that away from her. She has about ten of these little silky blankets and I've finally had to start limiting how many she can carry around because she would keep them all with her. I finally made her one that is about the size of a 4x6 photo that she can take anywhere she goes.

Anyway, why am I posting all this? I don't want to scare any of you who are in the process of your adoption. I don't want to freak out my neighbors or my friends and family. But I am posting this because there have been alot of posts out there about the need to be the primary caregiver, the need for family and friends to give space, etc. etc. etc. But no one that I have seen has been this descript about what it actually looks like when those things aren't done. People make the comment that she seems to be so well attached, she knows who mommy is, etc. Not really. As another blogger said, "she's comfortable" with me. She doesn't really know I'm Mommy in the same sense we think of Mommy because she has no reference for what a mommy is. She doesn't know for sure that I am going to be here day after tomorrow, which is one reason the fits are getting more violent, she cares more now whether I stay or go and that is a scary feeling to someone so little and so out of control of every single thing in her life. So, this is the honest, bare truth of what a tenuous attachment looks like. It's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. It's not a cookie cutter, some kids attachment issues look totally different. It's certainly something we can and WILL work through! She will attach to us. She will be in a totally different state of mind this time next year. But she is not as far along as I thought she was. And I am, of course, now rethinking the whole mother's day out thing. This is laying it all out there for you all to see. It's with the hope that it's helpful for someone whose reading, not to scare anyone away from adoption or trying to befriend our sweet Meg.

The good news is that I asked Marianne if I shouldn't let anyone else pick her up, etc. and to my surprise, she said it was fine. That as long as others weren't taking on a caregiver roll, it was okay to let her sit in the lap of a friend or play with the girls in the neighborhood. So that is actually a relief to me because I need the break that this allows. It's harder to do this attachment parenting thing with three other kids and sometimes it's a necessity that Meg be able to sit in Sonja's lap while I go tend to a task with another child, etc.

Attachment is not something that happens in six weeks, or even fully in six months. In some ways, all our kids are constantly deepening and changing their attachments to us. A third grader certainly has different trust needs than those of a two year old, so this is something that will evolve through the years. However, for now, we know Meg's little heart is broken. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep, I just asked God to heal her. I asked Him to make her whole and allow her to love and trust us. I asked Him to fulfill in her everything that He knows she can be. And I told her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her first 19 months of life. I am so sorry that she was left. I am so sorry that her mother wasn't able to care for her and that meant she had to figure it out on her own and be in control of herself way too early in life. This shouldn't happen to anyone. But, I also told her that my life and hers were both aligned to allow us to find one another. I had set out five years ago to adopt a daughter when I found out we were expecting Connor. That was all because Connor was supposed to be part of our life, but also because Meg was too! I know that God had a very specific plan for bringing us together with this precious little soul. And I know He is not going to leave His work incomplete in her. He will perfect her in His perfect way!

Please please please know that we are fine. I am fine! I am not in shock, I am not distraught. I am heartbroken for my daughter, but I am also privileged to be the one God has chosen to walk her through this. This is not a surprise to me and it's not scary to me. I have a peace. I know what needs to be done and I am able and ready to do it. That's the blessing of it all. I have the experience and the resources we need and God provided that all before we needed it. Again, I only share this story so that if you are a blog stalker, like me, you can read this post... then you can go read Adrienne, or Melissa, or Susan and know what precipitates those bonding posts. I don't have all the answers, I have hardly any answers. I do things wrong every day. But I do some things right too. And as long as I get more things right than wrong, we're all going to get out of this boat on the other side of the storm and realize we've arrived just where we were supposed to be! If you find yourself wanting to do something helpful, stop and say a prayer. Pray that God will heal Meg's heart, but also that he will protect every little heart left behind and give them something in reserve for when they need it. Ask Him to heal every child who has already been adopted and give us and all the other parents the patience, love and answers we need to make it right for these little ones who so deserve it to be spot on!

It's a two-verse kind of day:
Psalm 22:24
"For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."

Nahum 1:7
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."

Soap Box Expedition, pardon the divergence!

2008-08-23T13:22:00.009-05:00

Okay, I have to get on my soap box here for a minute. It's adoption related, but a bit of a rant, so read at your own risk and please don't bother to slam me because this is my story and I'm sticking to it! :) Just talk amongst yourselves while I rave for a moment!

I subscribe to a magazine called "Real Simple". I subscribed to it, trying to break away from my traditional "Southern Living" and do something new and different. I have to be honest and say that I haven't been all that into it, I miss my sweet tea embellished recipes and fall centerpieces, but anyway, live and learn. But the other day, I get a "special issue" of Real Simple in the mail called, "Real Simple Family." Looks like it might be a good one, sleep tips, healthy cookie recipes, etc. etc. until I notice the highlighted "EXCLUSIVE" on the front that says "Barrack Obama on raising his two happy girls." Okay, fine... you can do a story for a family magazing on Barrack Obama and his 2 happy girls... who were raised in a homogenous family (two parents who are married, wealthy, and look exactly like them makes them pretty "average" in my book) and how hard it must be to be "happy" when you are raised with such privilege. (Would this be a good time to mention that McCain has four kiddos?) But please, do NOT insult me by not offering the colorful story of the McCain's parenting and family stories, after all, they are a blended family (from two separate marriages, more the American norm these days) AND a multi-cultural/multi-racial family formed through ADOPTION! I can't personally believe the adoption community is not up in arms over the fact that there is so little play on the McCain's adoption. Folks, we have a chance to have an INTERNATIONALLY adopted child in the White House. I wonder when there was even last an adopted child in the White House, but I know for sure there hasn't been an internationally adopted child. Talk about gaining support. I found an article where McCain talks about the need to make the adoption process easier and more do-able for more kids to find homes (click the title of this post for a link to the article.) Where are our adoption advocates on this? Where are the masses of the adoption community (both domestic and international) lauding him and using this opportunity to get some much needed press for the need for adoption? Why aren't people out in masses showing this family as a living example of the benefits of pro-life societies? Why aren't we parading faces of kiddos in foster care and numbers of babies in world-wide orphanages in front of this major international stage?

I know, I know, it's easy for me, a staunchly pro-life white, middle class woman, to find reasons to applaud the McCains. Don't even start telling me all the stuff that makes them "the enemy." I know all the bad stuff about the embellished truths, etc. etc. My point is not VOTE FOR JOHN McCAIN... my point is, we have a huge opportunity here to exploit the situation. This is perhaps the highest profile international adoption family of our time at the moment (I know we have Madonna and Angelina, but those are hardly "mainstream" stories.) I know McCain's story isn't mainstream either, but he also didn't waltz into an orphanage and pick out the healthiest child and go home with her. His wife found two sick and possibly dying kids and gave them homes and hope. Not quite like the A-list adoption stories you'll get when you look at the celebs. Here's a child in a Bangladesh orphanage, cleft palate, and little chance at survival. Here's her orphanage-mate with a heart condition, both needing surgery, and Cindi McCain brings them home and who among us in the adoption community can't relate to how that must have felt!

Okay, so I am cancelling my subscription to Real Simple. I'm writing the letter to their editor, Kristin van Ogtrop asking her to please consider the opporunity at diversity that she overlooked in not giving equal time here. I am telling her that I am cancelling my subscription to her magazine and encouraging all my adoptive family friends to do the same. So, that's what I'm doing through this post. I am asking you to consider writing a letter to Real Simple, cancel your subscription if you have one, and let them know that we value adoptive parents and want to hear their stories. Interesting that the only real articles I could find about their adoption were from more obscure sources... there are mainstream pieces that mention the adoption, but not stories about the adoption. I think this is a great time to refer to the title verse of this site!

James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

Reality Check

2008-08-19T15:01:00.003-05:00

Well, speak it and God will prove you wrong! Seriously, at almost 40 with four kids, I must be the most clueless person on the planet. I still have SO much to learn.

Today we had a little reality check, which sent me searching for a more comfortable sling or carrier that won't break the bank. But if I don't find another alternative in the next couple of days, I'm splurging for the Ergo carrier everyone raves about.

First, let me just veer off the subject for a nano-sec... Sister got a haircut at Sweet and Sassy and she looks so much cuter without the mullet. See photos for proof! :)

Anyway, today, Meg started the smacking routine almost as soon as she woke up. So I had had it, really, I was just done with it and didn't know how in the world to get my point across that I wasn't kidding about "nice hands." So, I was too firm with her and she cried for thirty minutes. But that wasn't the reality check. The reality check came when she tried to "reconnect" with me on HER terms. I made the initial reconnection attempt by kissing her hands and rubbing her face softly. She would not let me touch her hands. She pulled away from me. So I put her in the baby sling and held her very close. I got out some food to try to feed her face to face, but she refused all attempts. Then she grabbed my nose, made a funny noise and said, "Nose." So my heart did a little flip, realizing that she was trying to control the reconnection and make it on her terms. She was rejecting my terms of reconnection, most likely from fear of rejection and from experience at controlling the situation around her. I kept her in the carrier until she allowed me to kiss and rub her hands and she allowed me to hand feed her grapes. And until she genuinely wanted down to play, not just to get away from me.

It was a very good reality check for me. I was cruising along thinking things were really settling in so much quicker than I thought. And then the mack truck of attachment hits me from behind and reminds me that we have SO far to go. We have not arrived at our destination, we haven't even stopped for our first real refill. We just had a pic-nic at a lovely little rest stop, but now we're back on the road again and we're all the wiser because we're rested up and we know the work we have ahead of us.

I post this because I want to say that there are SO many little subtle signs that might not mean much to most parents, but to post adoptive parents, they are everything! We are hyper sensitive because we MUST be! Bare with us while we readjust!

"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21

Give me one perfect child and six weeks....

2008-08-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

Brian and I have always had this little running joke that our children start their first year of life in baby bootcamp. It's not a very delicate "joke", but truthfully, the ladies at the baby home know how to regiment and regulate a life. How else can you explain that a one year old will follow along perfectly on cue when there are 12 toddlers and two caregivers. Let's face it, we have two adults in this house and one third the number of children and we can't accomplish half the routine those ladies have mastered. Anyway, it never takes us long to totally ruin any positive work the Russians have done with our children. Give us a week or two with any kid and we can really "ruin their discipline." (The ladies at Meg's baby home asked us not to play with the children on our third day there because we were "ruining their discipline." I thought to myself, lady, you don't know the half of it.) Anyway... digress digress digress. My point is (and yes, I do have one) that Meg came to us this well behaved little diva (I say diva because from day one she would turn the tears on like a faucet if she heard the word "no".) who would eat any food presented to her, didn't like cold beverages of any type and don't even consider giving her a Coke to a child who now refuses food left and right. Blueberries were her favorite yesterday (and every day before that) but now she refuses them. She will sometimes eat a banana or an apple, but she prefers CHEESE. Just plain old sliced, processed cheese. She used to beg for yogurt every morning for breakfast, now she wants her dairy in the form of a YO-GO! Go figure! Ugh! And to top it off, sister drank the better part of my medium Coke this morning from Sonic. Okay, I will share just about anything in my world with any of my kids... but don't mess with Mama's caffeine, I NEED IT!!! Do you think that the 11:00 Coke explains why she wouldn't sleep for the entire two hours she spent in her crib from 1:00 to 3:00? Maybe. Anyway, how does this happen? I say to myself every time that we adopt that I am not going to ruin this one. I am not going to feed them the junk the rest of my kids like and I am not going to let them become picky eaters. But it's just so fun to watch them explore new tastes. But, how did she start liking my ice cold Cokes with the Sonic ice? And can someone explain to me how sissy sassy decided that hitting everyone who does not obey her every whim became a good idea in her mind? Seriously, how many times a day can a mother say, "No hitting, nice touch, gentle hands, etc. etc. etc." I mean, I know that time out is absolutely pointless at this point in her bonding and attachment (probably counter-pointless), and I know that smacking a child's hand and saying "don't hit" is about as moronic as hitting in the first place (plus, duh, I would not smack her hand anyway, she has only been home six weeks, but even if she was born to me, I just don't get why people think hitting your kid for hitting ever made any sense??? I just couldn't ever make that scenario work in my head.) Anyway, the smacking thing is out of control. She must have drawn back to hit me 30 times today and she hit just about everyone else that came within smacking range too. Maybe it was too much caffeine. The other thing she does that would be funny if I wasn't always so doggone worried about bonding is that if anyone says the word "no" in her presence, she dissolves into tears and runs the other direction or throws herself onto the floor in a puddle and performs the most pitiful act you've ever seen in your life. Is this regular girl drama? I mean, people, you should see the Academy performances. But of course, I have to "reconnect" so I figure out a way to make it safe for her to come back. I am trying to repeat the words of our "attachment counselor" in my head over and over. The funny thing is, the attachment counselor isn't even for her, but it all applies to her. Sort of convenient that I am taking this Parent Child Interaction training right now while I happen to be trying to attach to a child. (I’m a “test subject” for my friend who is making a training video, etc. etc. etc… long story you don’t’ care to hear about.)

One thing I can imagine is adding to the drama level around here is that there are about five neighbors who's children live to follow Meg around and cater to her every whim. Seriously, I think the girl is probably beginning to think she has been made the queen of Egypt or something. I have these two or three SWEET neighbor girls who just literally follow Meg around and ooh and ahh over her. They are the sweetest children and I love having them here because she is getting attention and I can actually fold a basket of laundry with two hands (usually one of them is holding her on my hip.) But I think it's giving the girl a goddess complex. :) It's okay, she seriously deserves it. I mean, to think where she was to where she is now and I can't help but spoil the little angel. Oh, how blessed we are, smacking hands and all! :)

I have been really struggling lately with how to combine my two blogs. The boys have their own blog too, you know. I'm adding a link to it over there on the right hand side. But anyway, it just seems silly that there are two. I have this whole other life that most readers of this blog don't even know about. It involves three fourths of my children. That's 75% of my time that goes unheralded by me in my widest circle of "cyber friends" as my "real life friend" Amie calls you guys! :) Anyway, I still haven't figured out how I can have a PINK ON PINK blog with a bunch of pictures of dirty boys on it. And there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going generic with this thing. Plus, that might just be too confusing to have to switch the name around. My other blog is ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. That makes alot more sense than having the boys all pile into Mary Margaret Maybe.

Well, ramble ramble ramble... just ignore me while I have a moment to myself here.

Goodbye for tonight from the land of ruined discipline.

Proverbs 22:6
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Pardon our dust while we improve!

2008-08-16T08:42:00.002-05:00

Hey, look at this... I'm in the middle of remodeling, so, like a hotel, I am asking you to pardon the dust while I make some changes. The dust, in my case, is that now that I have this fancy new background, the words stretch too far to the side and it's harder to read. But I'm working on all that. Thanks to Susan, I am slowly learning how to make this place a little more interesting... before you know it, I'll be getting a job coding HTML (NOT!!!) But anyway, this progress will most likely be slow because I get short little bursts of time to work on this so please be patient... but hopefully we'll be more exciting very soon! :)

4:15 AM... are you kidding me?!

2008-08-13T04:16:00.003-05:00

Mamma say what!?!?!?!?!

Okay, why? WHY?!! am I awake at 4:15 and better yet, why have I been awake since 2? And why do I not feel like I am going back to sleep anytime soon? Someone please rescue me because I am already wondering how in the HECK I am going to make it through my day tomorrow. About 10 I'm going to pass out!

For all you Ozzy Osbourne fans, I just want to apologize right off the bat. Crazy Train is still on there, but I had to shuffle them around. I just couldn't stand logging onto my blog and hearing "all aboard" every single time. It was funny the first few days, but now not so much!

We crossed a major bridge tonight with Sissa Prissa. I had a meeting and I could not take Meg... I have been LIBERATED! She stayed with Daddy for the first time with no tears. She was very happy when I got home and didn't run to me and dissolve into tears. She went to baseball practice and sat like a big girl for dinner and never whimpered for me. FREEDOM!!!! Now, we'll work on getting her used to the babysitter.

Now that the big boys are back in school, life has settled into a calm pace. HOWEVER, I am finding my days a little boring. I can't believe I am saying this. Boring never describes my life. I mean, it's all I can do to get half my list accomplished every day. But the thing is, the big boys are big time playmates for Connor. With all the kids in our neighborhood, there is always someone around the house and something to do. Connor is suffering major withdrawals. I really am starting to think I might have made the wrong decision to only send him to school two days/week this year. I think he is going to need more! We've got to find some serious pass times.

Well, since I am blogging about nothing... I will post a few photos. My computer is SO slow, that should kill some time before the kids wake up! :) And also, if you read my blog and know how to customize this thing, please let me know. Susan suffered from insomnia and we all benefited because her blog is all "purty" now and I just love to go there and "sit" because it makes me happy! (Check it out under Journey to Adopt on the right hand side.) But my blog is just busy and boring and it does not make me happy. Oh yeah, and while I have your attention... (or maybe not) if you have never visited this chic http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com then you simply MUST jump over there and take a look. God can do amazing things with a heart, can't He?

The girl doesn't want to miss a bite of anything... not only is this how wide her mouth gets for watermelon, this is also how she prepares for a drink! :)

All About the Music

2008-08-10T13:40:00.002-05:00

I have always been a huge fan of music. I feel that music can so often express what our feelings and surroundings are better than words could ever accomplish. So in that light, I have sort of involuntarily noticed that I am choosing "theme music" for the blog. Nobody Told Me (there'd be strange days, etc.) was definitely a track that explained those first few days at home. But, now things have lightened up a little... it's more of a all over crazy than a "this is new kind of crazy." So... my middle son's favorite song is Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. As we were listening to it on the way to church this morning, I told my husband that this is definitely the new soundtrack to getting the kids out the door in time for anything! :) So tomorrow morning should be REAL interesting when I have to have ALL FOUR of us out the door by 7:45 for the first day of school. I'll be singing Crazy Train to myself in an effort to keep it real and remind myself to see the humor.

If you can't find humor in the fact that we listen to Ozzy Osbourne on the way to church, then you just have no sense of humor at all! :)

Genesis 18:12
"Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?"

All I really need to know, I learned in a month of parenting!

2008-08-07T08:38:00.003-05:00

One month ago yesterday, we arrived in Nashville to officially start our life as the parents of four children. I have seen alot of posts on different blogs about the things children learned in the first month home. Kids certainly make amazing transformations and learn new things every single day. They blossom like little flowers in the sun when they are loved and nurtured. However, that is not what this blog is about. We all know Meg is amazing... but this is about the lessons she has taught me.

I have learned that one dishwasher is not enough for a family with four children.

I have learned that four kids and one big dog can make your hardwood floors so dirty, that after a day of walking on them in bare feet, you will leave footprints on your tan carpeting.

I have learned that I will never have another night of full, uninterrupted sleep, because by the time these kids are sleeping through the night, they'll be staying out late, and when they leave, I'll be in menopause and have insomnia.

I have learned that strollers are nice with the first three, but imperative with the fourth for the mere purpose of crowd containment. Yeah, I'm using the straps on the stroller now!

I have learned that a Toyota Sequoia will indeed, hold eight passengers, three of them in car seats.

I have learned that blogging is difficult, keeping up with other people's blogs is near impossible, and having a full conversation with a friend is completely impossible.

I have learned to type one-handed while holding a squirming toddler who is banging the keyboard.

I have learned that after a month of transition, even an hour alone at Wal-Mart at 10 PM can seem like a trip to the spa.

I have learned that my heart, indeed, can expand to contain all the amazing things I feel for each of my children individually! And that adoption and parenting can be the most rewarding experience imaginable.

I have learned that seeing your daughter start to embrace her dad and brothers as much as they embrace her is absolutely thrilling.

I have learned that if the theory of evolution were truth, moms would have grown four arms many centuries ago.

I have learned that I have reached my limit in the number of children I intend to parent.

I have learned that the things you worry the most about (how the transition would be for my three year old) are never the things that culminate (he's embraced her more than the other two), but it's the things you never anticipate that actually throw you for a loop (nine months of TB medication.)

There you have it, the fun things that having four kids has taught me in only one short month. It's been such a fun ride. My heart almost exploded last night when Brian walked through the door and Meg squealed with delight and then ran to him with her arms up. Yesterday, we went to the YMCA and I sat in the nursery for about 30 minutes with Meg, just to get her used to it. She had alot of fun playing with the other kiddos, so we decided to try for Mother's Day out two days a week in the fall.

One month ago today!

2008-08-02T20:56:00.004-05:00

Yes, one month to the day, we walked out of Baby Home Number 12 in St. Petersburg. And wow, how far we have come in one month. We've gone from a little girl who was motion sick, to a child who loves to swing and ride in the boat. A child who was fearful of every new face to a child who tolerates just about anyone who will pay attention to her, and she loves to give five and say Hi to every passerby. This child who went to sleep within two minutes of being laid in bed has now discovered that if she cries, someone will come pat her back... so she does it about 10 times before drifting off to dreamland.

This little girl is so precious. I look at her sleeping, or when we are rocking, and I just can't believe she's here and she's mine. She fits in our family so perfectly. She was so meant to be the youngest in a family of boys... did I already say that? She is drama with a capital D, but she is also go with the flow. She goes on the boat and lets the wind blow her in the face and never complains, she just sits back and takes it all in. She is adjusting very well. She is getting more comfortable with other adults and she doesn't freak out when I walk out of the room now (for the time being.) She still doesn't like closed doors, but she is getting there. I am able to shower without her and with the door closed now. I'll take the little victories.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who was a little overwhelmed by some of the parenting sagas we all go through and I was telling her my favorite thing I try to remember on tough days is that "this is a season." Really, every season in our lives have their rewards and their challenges. This season of parenting young children is wonderful and amazing in that every day when you wake up, you have a purpose, you know what your life is about, you know what you need to do and you know you are needed. Every day you get to see some little amazing revelation that your child never saw before. You get to be a superhero by just retrieving a lost ball (hey, it's scary under our couch, you ever seen the stuff that's under there?) or mending a hurt knee or heart. You get to negotiate deals and relationships between siblings and friends. You are so many things to these little souls that you couldn't write it all in a job description. In short, Moms are priceless. So, obviously, I have been counting my blessings through the trials and triumphs of the transition period. My friend Amie started it. Every time I would complain or bemoan how tough it was, she would just answer with, "I guess the blessing in this is..." and then she would find SOMETHING positive to say. So, I reminded myself that this too is a season. And as I was trying to pep up my friend today on the phone, it occurred to me that actually, it's not just a life season, it's a seasonal season too. Whenever you find yourself in a tough spot, it never lasts much longer than a season... by winter, things will be different, etc. So, as my MIL says, I could stand on my head for three months. So I'm standing on my head and thanking my God for this beautiful child that I am so blessed to have in my life. I just really can't believe God gave her to a mere mortal, she looks so much like an angel to me! :) Don't believe me, see for yourself!

1 Samuel 1:27
"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted my petition, which I asked of Him."

Doctors, x-rays and needles! :(

2008-08-01T09:30:00.004-05:00

Meg had her IA visit this week. We went back yesterday for her TB skin test to be read. We knew she had had a positive MANTU reaction in Russia, so it was no surprise to us that she, indeed, did have a positive test. Dr. Heil explained that this simply means she has been exposed to TB. Nonetheless, we had to have chest x-rays done at Vanderbilt to make sure she did not have active TB. After having just read Mountains Beyond Mountains, I was pretty familiar with TB treatment, course, etc. Probably a hidden blessing. Anyway, her x-ray was clear, just as Dr. Heil predicted (of course, he was right, as usual) and we are NOT contagious or a risk to anyone we come in contact with. It does, however, mean that she will have to have nine months of medication daily. Yuck! But it beats TB, for sure, so we are in search of the meds right now, as apparently it is on back order from the manufacturer. I need to call the health department today to see if they can get me some. It's probably our best bet.

Anyway, she also had her blood tests yesterday to check the immunization titers and all the Heps and HIV, etc. We don't have those results back yet, but that was all negative in Russia, so of course, we are expecting good things. She was not too happy about the lady drawing her blood, but she was a trooper, only a few tears. It was all made up for by the fact that she got a hospital id bracelet, which she is STILL wearing! hahaha

Meg met her Gee for the first time this week. He was not able to be here when she came home, so he was the last grandparent left to meet her. I think he won her over with the Hershey bars and the M and Ms! :)

Sleeping is still no good... I'm over it! I have a crick in my neck from sleeping on her floor. It's so bad I can barely turn my head. UGH! Double Grrr! It's got to give at some point, right? Any tricks are welcome at this point. I am a big believer in lots of sleep. My other kiddos all slept well in their cribs, I'm not going to break my streak now, so load me up with advice if you have any. I'll try anything at this point. Michelle suggested putting her in our bed, so last night when she woke up at 2AM, I put her in bed with me. That worked okay'ish until 6AM when she woke up ready to go and would have no part of just laying there letting us complete our eight hours... so no more of that for the sis!

Okay, I know the bow looks ridiculous in this photo, because she had been rubbing her head and somehow got it to the VERY FRONT of her forehead, but I love the two of them together and the shirt, which my MILs friend gave us, is just too cute... so I am posting it anyway. I'll use it as blackmail later in life when she is being bratty. (Which, by the way, she has a real knack for. I think she was born to be the baby of an all boy family because she is full of drama and crocodile tears when she doesn't get her way. She's very sassy... we should have named her bossy britches!)

Paka!

St. Petersburg Is....

2008-07-29T13:20:00.001-05:00

I wrote the following post on our court day. I forgot that I had written it and wanted to be sure to post it for the record! :)

These are the things I think of when I remember St. Petersburg, obviously outside my precious daughter, that is! :)

1. World's Tiniest Hotel Room

2. Beautiful Canals that remind me of Venice, Italy

3. Crowded Sidewalks (especially on Nevsky Prospekt)

4. Smokers

(sorry, no photos of those, you'll just have to take my word for it, or smell my laundry!)

5. Very Beautiful Women!

(I suppose I could have taken photos, but then that might have appeared strange. But seriously, almost every woman you see in this city is super-model gorgeous, I mean GORGEOUS! I don't know where they get these genes, but they are very beautiful!)

6. Speeding Cars (seriously, watch out for your life)

7. Stray Cats

8. The Hermitage

9. No rules regarding lining up. Seriously, the stuff we learn in Kindergarten has just escaped the Russians. Even my Russian friends marvel at this phenomenon that you won't experience most anywhere else (so it's not just me!) There is no amount of personal space allowed. If you are being served at a counter, a Russian will come and stand RIGHT BESIDE you! Really right beside, not near, BESIDE! And if you allow the person in front of you in line the slightest amount of personal space, a Russian will fill that space, assuming you aren't in a hurry. So, if you are lining up to do something, remember to stand almost touching the person in front of you or else you'll never advance. I promise you won't be considered rude, it's the expected thing. Also, note that if you are carrying a baby, it's perfectly acceptable to go straight to the front of the line... now that rule I could get used to! :) I think that's where they get the rules for driving too! :)

10. Savior on the Spilled Blood Church

11. Giant Gutters (seriously, can you imagine the torrent of water that comes out of that sucker?)

12. Miracles!

WHAT?! was I thinking????

2008-07-27T21:13:00.003-05:00

Every seasoned mother knows that kids are like little pit vipers, they can smell it when you think you have victory and that's when they move in for the kill. Every mom knows NEVER to tout a success or say they think they have it under control... NEVER EVER do you do that because that's when the little monsters will pull the ace out of the hole and knock you off your feet... so, yep, that's what Meg did. She gave me a few good nights with the door open, just to lull me into that sense of success. She let me believe I knew a thing or two, ONLY to completely change the rules on me. UGH! It's worse than ever. She decided that the door open stuff wasn't enough, she simply MUST have ME (no one else, just me) standing or sitting in the room with her. That would be fine and dandy if she would just lay down and go to sleep, but when I am in there, she's being all coy and trying to make me laugh and get my attention. Anyway, it's what I get. Four kids into this thing I knew better. Every time I say "never" or "not me", that's when the kids punch me right in the gut and make me eat my words... motherhood is a humbling profession isn't it? God has a great sense of humor, that's for sure.

The Secret!

2008-07-24T21:54:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know "The Secret" is some book Oprah loves... but the REAL SECRET is what I found yesterday... and it's how to get Meg to sleep in her crib without me spending an hour in her room sitting on the floor pretending not to look at her. You just plop her in the crib, walk out of the room and LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN! Yep! That was the key. And how did I discover this? Well, I did the rocking, singing, sitting on the floor thing and then Connor poked his head in the door:
Connor: Will you sleep with me?
Mom: Not right now buddy, I'm putting Meg to sleep. Ask Daddy.
Connor: I did, he said, "No!"
Mom: Okay, I'll come in there for a minute, but if she cries, I have to come back in here.
Connor: Okay!

I walk out, leave the door open, tell her I'll be back, and go to Connor's room. No crying, not a peep, just rolled over and went to sleep. Fluke? Maybe, so I try it again today at nap, read, sing, into bed, door open. Not a peep! Wow! Okay, again tonight at bedtime, no crying. I think we've found the solution. I should have clued in when she made me shower with the door open. She hates closed doors, I can't even walk into the bathroom with the door closed because she freaks out no matter what. So, now, we do the bedtime routine, wait for her to go to sleep and then close the door. I'm liberated! :)

Here's a photo from the week... because I know you're dying to see one! hehehe

Nobody Told Me? Not exactly....

2008-07-22T20:53:00.002-05:00

Okay, maybe you've notice that my new "theme song" for the blog is "Nobody told me there'd be days like these."... strange days indeed. The truth is, people did sorta tell me, or at least they tried to. But, as is typical for me, I didn't listen. Or more likely I just thought I was above it all, like somehow, I'm different. Anyway, duh, here I am in the middle of strange land. What makes it strange? Glad you asked! The most amazingly strange thing is that I (me, Ondrea, moi) am the person who is making the rules (sort of), I am the one responsible for keeping these four little people safe. I am the "responsible" one in this scenario (I mean, not counting Brian, he's definitely more responsible than me. He even remembers to make the coffee the NIGHT BEFORE so that it's waiting for us when we get up. I always procrastinate when he is out of town and then regret it when I have to wake up to no coffee, but that's a whole other post.) Anyway, that is definitely strange that here I am, with four kids, actually doing stuff like chairing the PTO at our school and being involved in change in our neighborhood and taking baby gifts and getting food delivered to me from alot of good Southern women because I have a new baby. This is stuff that's supposed to happen to grown ups! I mean, did you catch that? I have FOUR kids! I have FOUR KIDS! I HAVE FOUR KIDS! Aaaaggggghhhhhh!

Being Catholic, we know our fair share of folks who have four kids (and five and six for that matter.) But I can't believe I am old enough to have four kids. I mean, here I am living this thing that I wanted for SO long in my life. I am in the midst of my dream. This is surreal and oh so real at the same time. I am over-gifted from God. I love that term, "over gifted", it's from my friend Marina who was trying to tell us that we had brought her too many gifts when we made our second trip to Russia. The truth is, I am just drowning in this blessing and basking in it all at the same time. I am so very over the top happy to have all my kiddos home at last and putting their feet under one table. As far as I know, I don't have to worry about or think about one not being loved or cared for anymore. I don't have to wonder where in the world one is. I don't have to long for or feel that empty spot any more. I am so overjoyed and THANKFUL beyond belief for the promise God has fulfilled. I am just in absolute awe and wonder at what He can do with so little as what He had to work with when He and I started out on this journey to me being a mommy.

I am also drowning in the blessing too. I mean, I do have those moments (mostly in the mornings before 8 when Meg is up and I am too, though I would rather not be, and no one else is awake yet) where I wonder how in the world I am going to get through the next 11 hours until it's time to start the bedtime routine. But I have awesome kids. And the day is never quite as bad or as tiring as I imagine it will be. Well, actually, sometimes it is as bad and as tiring, but not usually. And even so, it's all part of the ride. It's what earns us moms our special stripes on the sleeve of our secret jackets. It's what gets us the extra stars in our crown. It's what makes our kids really want us when times get really tough, for the rest of our lives, most of us want our moms (all things being equal) when the going gets really really tough. I mean, there are times when things are SO bad that the only person you can really call is your mom. And that's because of all the crap your mom did for you when you were little. And I keep reminding myself of that because I am doing alot of crap right now. Both figuratively and literally! :)

Anyway, this post is basically to say that I am still in the middle of transition land, but the clouds have thinned out a little. It's not storming cats and dogs now, it's just a light drizzle. Most of my neighbors might tell you that I'm returning somewhat to normal, life is looking a little less squeezed over here. The house is looking worse than ever, but we do open the blinds now at least! :) Everyone is adjusting, including me (I'm always the first to advocate change and the last to embrace it.) Anyway, things on the sleep side have gotten better since we switched to the crib. Dangit, I just hate it when my mother-in-law is right. She gently suggested to me on the first day we were home that I might consider getting the crib down and saving the little pink bed (the TO DIE FOR PINK PRINCESS BED... remember?) for later. "Oh no," I replied, "She was already in a toddler bed in the orphanage and I have all this bedding (spoken like first time girl mother) and it's so cute and I just HAVE to use the pink bed RIGHT NOW!" (Seriously, didn't I already have three kids who I begged to sleep in a crib until they were 16... WHAT WAS I THINKING?) Anyway, dangit, she's always right! Seriously, she is always right and for some reason after 14 years of knowing this woman, I always think "this time I'm right" and always have to eventually end up saying, "You were right, I should have listened." Oh well, good thing I hadn't sold the crib (yeah, right, like that's gonna happen) and anyway, the pink bed is still in the room, only now it has all her dolls and stuffed animals in it. She will still sleep in it, but she will probably be three!

Oh, and by the way, just to prove I am a crazed, drowning mother of four, yesterday I drove to our beloved Dr. Heil's office (in BELLEVUE!) only to find out that her appointment is NEXT MONDAY! UGH! Imagine my frustration! For those of you who are not from Nashville, I drive about 45 minutes to the pediatrician because I am absolutely certain there is not another doctor in the entire world as wonderful and smart and Godly and all around perfect as Dr. Paul Heil and we are so lucky that he is a short 45 minutes away, how could I not drive over there. Besides, my kids are so worth it! Anyway, I drove all that way, walked in with her in her adorable smocked bubble and pink shoes and the receptionist says, "Honey, you guys are on the schedule for next Monday. I would fit you in but we don't have your chart here from the business office yet." Oh well...

Psalm 67:1
"God be gracious to us and bless us, And cause His face to shine upon us-"

Uzbekistan Family

2008-07-20T21:40:00.002-05:00

Will the family who posted the comment a few days ago, who is adopting a child from Uzbekistan, please contact me directly. I tried to find your blog, but it's invitation only and I can't figure out how to find your e-mail address. I would like to talk to you about Uzbekistan as that is where our daughter is from.

Thanks! You can e-mail me directly through the blog link or at ondreaharrison@gmail.com.

Sorry for the delay, but things are a bit busy!

2008-07-18T22:03:00.002-05:00

Okay, blog stalkers! I know you have been trying very nicely to give me some space as our family adjusts, but I know I have a responsibility to keep the torch going, so here goes, a 50,000 foot fly by of the first two weeks at home with a little girl among all the princes.

She is warming up very nicely to Daddy, which was our number one prayer every night. Now she reaches for him, lets him pick her up for short periods of time, plays with him, eats with him, and actually gave him a kiss tonight. Big big progress in two weeks time.

She likes the pool, which is a good thing for a swim team family. She will go pretty much anywhere if I am holding her, but will play on the step alone with her toys for short periods of time now.

She has adjusted to all the little girls in our neighborhood who want to hold her and talk to her all the time. At first, she was very scared of them, now she gives high fives, waves, and smiles at them.

Whenever a car drives down our street and we are in the yard she says, "Hi!" and waves her little hand.

There are too many new words in English to count them all, but the big ones are Concon (short for Connor, big brother), Hi, Thank You (something close), Love you, Bye Bye (and she interchanges it with Paka from time to time too), Night Night and Yum Yum Yum (which she says after almost every bite of anything.

She is sleeping later in the mornings, somewhere between 6:15 and 6:45 is the norm. She is getting harder to put to sleep. She doesn't cry, which I am very thankful for, but I have to lay with her or rub her hair until she gets to sleep and that takes the better part of an hour now where it used to take only about 30 minutes. She stays in her bed though, and doesn't get out until someone comes for her, which is very nice.

The boys are adjusting pretty well. I really couldn't ask for any better from any of them. Jack and Meg have formed a mutually ga ga relationship. She lets him wag her all over the house and play with her alot. She is really having fun with Connor alot too. I tried to get a photo of them both on the electric Harley tonight, but she bailed off before I got the camera, he never stopped, he just kept moving and she rolled into the grass. She's a tough cookie! :)

We've learned alot about parenting girls in the past two weeks, but we still have SO much to learn. Wow, are they different from boys! One thing that we learned about our girl in particular is that she does NOT like to be naked.... EVER! I mean, when I am changing her diaper, or getting her ready for bed, she cries until there is some article of clothing on her. We figured out that if we put her in the bathtub in her bikini bottom, she will play forever. The minute I take it off (because the part that it covers is the most in need of some soap and water), she freaks out. I can even wash her hair and pour water to rinse her head without too much protest, but take off those bottoms and buddy bar the door!

So, that's the first two weeks' highlights. Sorry I have been so dilinquent in writing. It's not that I can't check e-mail or look at other blogs, it's that she wants to sit in my lap and bang on the keyboard so I can't exactly respond or write when she is awake. By the time she has gone to bed, I've usually collapsed, but it's Friday night and I refused to get in bed before 10:30. Yes, yes, I know, it's still lame that I'm blogging on a Friday night at 10:00, but at least I'm awake, this is progress! :)

Good night all you Bloggerlanders. I'll leave you with a few photos!

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Pretty in Pink

2008-07-13T21:42:00.001-05:00

Okay, every little girl needs a tutu! It just so happens this one is a hand-me-down from my goddaughter, Carly. I just LOVED this and couldn't wait to put it on her. It's so much fun to wear a tutu on an ordinary day!

Did I mention I hate transition?

2008-07-11T20:36:00.004-05:00

How can a person who absolutely LOVES change, hate transitions? It doesn't make sense to me, but that's who I am. Actually, alot of my preferences and idiosyncracies don't make sense to me, but I digress. Anyway, what I want to say is that I HATE the transition period.

This is something alot of adoptive families won't talk about. Oh sure, there are families come home and live in "Perfect" (you know, the town in the Walgreen's commercial.) But for what I believe to be a majority of us, transition is hard. It's fraught with moments of peril, exhaustion, and absolute loss for what to do with this stranger in your home. Did you ever think about things like, how did she get herself to sleep, why does she sing non-stop (it's very cute, but I wonder if it's a stress coping mechanism for her because she seems to sing faster when she's stressed), why does she tug at her diaper and cry (is it before or after she's peed in it?) I mean, these are just the tip of the iceberg. You could go deeper with questions like, how do I make my other kids feel like their life isn't totally disrupted for her? How do I let my youngest (who's birth order has been disrupted) know that he is still just as precious and special to me today as he was a month ago? How do I help him, me, my DH, my other sons all cope with this new little person and the demands she brings with her. That's to say NOTHING of the soothing and loving I am trying to give her each day as I know she is under more stress than any of us. This tiny little beautiful creature has held up amazingly better than most of the rest of us.

Anyway, again I'm "on the road to Mexico", a term I'll explain some other day. What is really sad is that most families won't talk about this stress. After our first adoption, I felt like I didn't have the "right" to complain because we had tried so hard and so long to be parents. The couple of times I did express exhaustion, confusion, or discontent, I was met with responses like, "You waited so long for this." Or, "This is what you wanted." I mean, really, let's get serious people, would you ever say something like that to the mother of a newborn who has colic? P-L-E-A-S-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After my second adoption, my social worker even "criticized" me, saying that I was allowing them to have power over me and that they were trying to control me. Only our pediatrician was a light in the darkness of that transition! My oldest son HATED my middle son for many months. Every single photo of the boys from the first six months is exactly the same. Jack has his arm around Liam in what would appear to be a loving gesture. My neighbor said he was trying to love Liam to death because there was always an expression of gritted teeth on Jack's face and Liam was always screaming and trying to get away from the head-lock Jack was trying to pass off as a hug. We joke now when they fight and say Jack's still not over the fact that he's no longer an only child! :)

Now that we have Meg, I again feel that I am not allowed to experience a negative emotion. The old "this is what you wanted" keeps thumping through my head, this time a stark reality that this, truly, is what I wanted. And also, when you have four kids and you mention that you're tired, you run the risk of someone saying, "Well, duh, what did you think it would be like." I mean, so many people have made sweet and well-meant comments about "Four, wow, you guys are amazing." or some other such polite way of saying, "Have you completely lost your mind!?" But I know there are other mothers out there who are frustrated, tired, confused, exhausted, and just plain sick of TRANSITION! I am not ashamed to say that "Yes, I did want this! I STILL want it. I desperately wanted a daughter and thank God 21,347 times a day for her and the three other beautiful kids He's given me. I love every single thing about being a parent (well, maybe not the voyeurs who watch me shower, potty, and every other personal thing imaginable, but you know, most of it is great.) Anyway, I think you can have it both ways. I think you can absolutely love parenting. You can be thankful beyond words for the gifts God has given you, but also worn out by them at the same time.

I think the jet-lag is just now kicking in. I've hit a wall today that I saw out there in front of me for several days. It's like I saw it on the horizon, I knew I was getting closer to it, but it still snuck up on me. When I hit it this afternoon around 5:00, it was as if it popped up out of the ground without warning and I almost panicked. I was at a swim meet with my two oldest boys. I stood up to take a photo of my son at the finish line and Meg lost sight of me (I didn't move, I was still right in front of her, but there was a crowd and it freaked her pretty bad), she started to sob! I picked her up and all of a sudden, my three-year-old just went off the edge he had been clinging to. He wanted to be held too. Mind you he weighs about 45 pounds and she weighs 23. It's not exactly an easy task to tote the two of them through a crowd and across a parking lot. I decided I had to leave NOW, but neither of them would get in the stroller or let any of the neighbors/friends moms hold them or help me. Now, I am a person with pretty significant clostrophobia. All of a sudden, I was trapped in the middle of this crowd of people, and all I could think of was, "How am I going to get out of here?" I didn't disguise my panic very well, but managed to hold the tears in until I got outside the pool gate. Luckily my sister (from another mother) was right by my side and just loving me in her amazing way. I made it to the car, drenched in sweat and tears and just utterly sucked dry. I had nothing left in me.

See, the risk I run in sharing this story is that people I know will read this, people who haven't adopted, and they will feel sorry for me. They will start to call and ask if I'm okay or if I'm better. They will imagine in their minds that things are worse than they are. (We've all had a bad day with our kids, it's just that during transition, you don't have the "answers" to getting it back on track.) They will form some inkling of a negative thought about how hard adoption is. I run the risk of overshadowing the AMAZING things the Lord has done for us in the past months. And He has showed out for us in a number of ways and a number of occasions. I don't want to take away from any of that. I want everyone to know that I can be exhausted, hurting for my youngest son in transition, hurting for Meg in her transition, hurting for my husband as he tries to bond with our daughter, worried about his stress level in trying to provide for six people, and STILL be over the moon, overjoyed, elated, ecstatic, and SOOOOOO thankful to have a daughter, this particular daughter, and be home and blessed to be experiencing this with my amazing family. So if I know ahead of time the risk I run and the reaction I will get from some folks, then why even mention it? Because I have counseled enough families who are ashamed of these feelings and feel alone in the wilderness of transition. These families are so surprised to hear that alot of other people feel this way too. This is something that isn't spoken of much in the adoption community. Our tidy little secret that most people won't even admit to themselves. I too even feel the need to balance the white flag of exhaustion with the disclaimer "but I am really happy... really!"

Anyway, I'm rambling (on and on and on) at this point. My main point is just to say that if you are in transition, don't feel like you don't have the right to those feelings. Don't feel like you don't have the right to be bewildered and confused and exhausted. Everyone knows that moms of newborns are exhausted. New moms are able to say they are tired and everyone understands, because alot of people have BTDT. It's no different if you've adopted... no different, so don't feel guilty about those feelings, they are just a part of it. It doesn't mean you don't love your child more than life! Even some new moms don't have the kind of friendships where they can be genuine about their feelings. I remember one time a family member went to dinner with me and my close girlfriends. We were all laughing about our kids, complaining about not being able to finish a phone conversation, talking about things that drive us crazy (mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, MOM!!! MOM!!!!!, get the picture) and my family member came away from that night saying how freeing it was to her to hear us sharing so genuinely with each other. She hadn't heard women share that honestly with one another about their feelings and she wondered why no one else felt as exhausted and worn down as she did until she heard my friends laughing about it and commiserating. So I am saying, this isn't an adoption phenomena by any means, but I think we have an extra veil of guilt about feeling anything other than absolute elation! So, I'm coming out of my closet, so to speak, and I hope you will all give me the grace to say this and not feel sorry for me or worried about it. It's a totally natural feeling in a long and tedious process of melding a family together. But it doesn't take away one ounce of the joy I feel for all that's transpired in my life to date. On the contrary, I already know three times over what the transition transforms your family into, how it stretches and strengthens ALL the relationships around you, particularly with your spouse, and it's one of the things that eventually is one of the greatest blessings of parenting AND adoption!

I really suppose I don't have to worry about many comments, if you're still reading at this point, you are definitely either very bored or a fellow PAP! :)

Hebrews 13:5
"Never, no never will I leave you nor forsake you."

Fun at home with Sis!

2008-07-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

Dorothy, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!

2008-07-07T20:17:00.004-05:00

I think this is probably Meg's thought as she tries very valiantly to adjust to the crazy life that is now her's. In a world of three boys, you have to hit the ground running. Life certainly doesn't stop for the fourth child like it does for the first and even the second. She is doing pretty well, other than the fact that she was up for the day today at 3:30 AM, which means I was up too. But you have gotta love that she was in there crying and when I went to comfort her, she wasn't laying in her bed afraid, she was sitting in the floor crying because she couldn't get her white patent Mary Jane's on! :) That's my girl! :)

So, you don't care about all that, all you want is this anyway:

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Here it is... the long awaited photo!

2008-07-03T08:37:00.003-05:00

Sorry folks, stop chastising me on e-mail. I don't have access to our laptop here at Ron and Dinia's apartment. The ONLY inconvenience about being here. So now, not only is Dinia hostess with the mostest, cook, and tech support, but also, now, photographer and blog assistant.

Without further adieu, here is the newest Harrison family member.

Our day was a good one! We had success at the US Embassy. This means our final hurdle is registration with the Russian Consulate tomorrow morning, pick up the visa on Friday afternoon, and then have dinner with Vitaly and Marina tomorrow night. We leave to come HOME on Saturday at 12:30. Brian is just standing here saying, can you believe it was three days ago we were in court? It's hard to believe how much has happened in our life in three days.

No puke today, so we're making progres!

Moscow at last!

2008-07-02T12:33:00.002-05:00

We're finally here! We arrived in Moscow at about 3:10. But let me back up. We picked Miss Meg up this morning at around 10 AM. She was not too happy to see us, but calmed down ever so quickly. She was fine all the way to the St. Pete airport and had a pretty good time, actually, once we got inside the airport. She ran all around and played little games with us like peek-a-boo, or her version of it anyway. Then we caught our flight to Moscow. Everything was fine. She ate an entire banana, drank a little milk, a juice box of apple juice, and some bread and rice. Things seemed to be going great.... then we started to descend on Moscow and the puking started. Bye bye Baby Lulu dress, hello outfit number 2.

We were met at the airport by... GASP.... PASHA!!! The Famous PASHA who I never dreamed we would get to have with so many families here for such a long time. I was instantly happy and knew we were in good hands. As it turned out, there was a family from Atlanta who was also really happy we had Pasha. They were here as tourists and it seems they didn't get the infamous STAMP (needed for all things Russsian) and were not allowed to leave the airport. Pasha sorted it all out for them and then we were on our way.

Bye bye outfit number two. About 20 minutes into the Moscow traffic, hello puke! So, we strip the shirt off that baby and she's walking around Moscow like a real red-neck, no shirt, pants sagging at the waist and diaper hanging out. :)

Pasha took us to the office of CSS and we did some paperwork for the Embassy. Pasha took good care of us. By the way, adoptive families, you only need the two main pages of your tax returns, not the entire thing, according to Pasha.

Then he took us to meet up with Dinia and Ron. They have graciously offered us the run of their second bedroom and we've quickly filled it with our three bags full of junk. Not only is there a King sized bed here, they have King Sized hospitality... they are from Alabama, after all, and no one puts on the hospitality like a Southerner. They had dinner in the oven when we got here, we said grace before we ate and Ron blessed it to the nourishment of our bodies, just like my Grandaddy and Pap used to! :) I can not tell you how wonderful it is to find a little bit of the South in Moscow. I love this city more and more every time I visit. Getting here was like a breath of fresh air, instantly I just felt happier when we landed.

Anyway, we went for a little walk and Meg had her first bath. She wasn't too happy about it, but overall, it could have been worse. She's actually smelling good at this point, no more institutional funk for our girl! :) Sorry I cannot post the photo because we cannot use our laptop right now, maybe tomorrow.

SO... if you have any prayer stamina left in you, please crank it up because we are hearing that the Embassy is going to TRY to get our visa done tomorrow (in one day, it usually takes two.) Because Friday is a holiday (July 4) the Embassy is closed. They generally do not process visas in one day, however, they are telling us it can be done in one day this time. If not, then we won't be home until..... gulp..... WEDNESDAY! :( I simply cannot be away from my baby boys that much longer.... no way! That's two weeks folks... I will go crazy. PLEASE PLEASE pray that the Embassy has mercy on us.

Okay, I am off to bed. I am so sleepy I could fall asleep typing this and Meg is sleeping in our room with us so I have to get her down.

Nighty Nighty everyone!

Our real Pink letter day

2008-07-01T22:17:00.002-05:00

Today is the day. We will be picking Meg up in a little over an hour from now. I have been awake for hours, couldn't sleep. I had to go into the bathroom to type so I wouldn't wake Brian up. I felt like a teenager with my cell phone. :)

I just wanted to send this post quickly and then I have to go get myself ready and checked out of the hotel. I am on cloud nine. I have waited my whole life for this day, as my father-in-law says on special occasions. I am just about to bounce my way down the hall here! :)

But I needed to clear something up. So many people have written to me to tell me that I have great faith and that I was inspiring or whatever. I want you all to know that the glory is not mine, but His. I do not have great faith. In fact, as I told my friend, Sonja, God, once again, had to come and find me in the dry parched land known as Me. I too often bow to the idol of Ondrea and I really have very little faith. God knew that I needed Him to show up here in a big way and He did that for me. I posted that verse yesterday from Psalm because I weep when I read that... that He came for me because He loves me. It's totally unbelievable to me that He actually does still love me after all the me-ism of the past year and the complete lack of faith I have shown at so many intervals in this process. But He is always good, we serve a God who is the same, regardless of how we are, and for that I am most grateful and blessed. So, I just wanted to clarify that because I felt that alot of people were looking at me and saying, "Look what her faith did." But I want the truth to be known, I am of little faith... "Look what God did!" And I promise you that if He did it for a pit-dweller like me, He will most certainly do it for you! I learned the true meaning of the measure of a mustard seed, that was all I had to give, but He honored it! If you are in the middle of an adoption, or if you are in the middle of any trial in your life, believe with whatever small amount of faith you have to offer. God wants you to believe in a big way and He will help you get there!

One other note I should mention is that this was not my faith alone, but rather the faith of many strong and faithful believers on my behalf. I had probably hundreds of people praying very specifically for me, some in a way that they believed to be futile, but they prayed with me none-the-less. I credit First Baptist Church in Fulton and many Catholics throughout Tennessee and every adoptive parent that reads this blog and friends of my parents, and friends of Brian's parents, and neighbors and many people I don't even know who undoubtedly lifted us. Several who woke at just the hour of our court, for no reason other than a stirring in their heart, and they too prayed! Thank you all for your prayers on my behalf and for your kindness.

With much love and excitement, because the next time I post, it will be a family photo of our sweet Meg and us! :)

So close now!

2008-07-01T11:14:00.003-05:00

Okay, today was a day of waiting and waiting and waiting. It started like this, we were met at 11:30 by our translator and a new driver. They took us to the passport office to apply for Meg's Russian Passport. We were told yesterday that the passport would be ready only after 4 PM tomorrow, so we booked flights to go back to Moscow tomorrow night. Then today at 12:30, we are in the passport office and lo and behold, Nina waves her magic wand, and the passports will be ready today at 5 PM. Okay, let's do business... so, we go to Papa John's for lunch. This is the first thing that has tasted exactly like it "should". We sit around basically for three hours (George and Bill, you would have loved it) doing NOTHING waiting to pick up the passport. Then the translator takes the passport, puts it into her little plastic folder and won't give it to me. I asked, "Can I have it." She said, "No, we have to wait for Nina to get here. I will give it to her and she will give it to you. This is how it works." Okee Dokee. So, when Nina gets there, Oksana hands her the passport and Nina hands it to me. But then I have to hand it back because she still has to go make copies. I tell you what, these folks have this down to a science. For as much as it's an art in the US, it's a science here and they are very good scientists. They run these things like a clock.

There are no photos from today. This may be the first time in history I have been away from home and gone a whole day without one photo. But there was really nothing to photograph, just us sitting around. Jack would have hated this day, it's his worst nightmare. Alot of doing nothing, but big stuff happening all at the same time.

Brian and I went back to the restaurant where we ate last night, The Other Side Gastro Bar and Grill. That's really the name. Yummy mushrooms and sandwiches.

Tomorrow we will be picked up at 8:30. We will head straight to the baby home and spring Meg from the compound. Amie and Kendra, I don't know who's dress this was she's leaving in tomorrow, but it's a Baby Lulu from one of you! So cute! I'll be sure to have tons of photos of that!

Anyway, our flight leaves for Moscow at 2:00 tomorrow and we will be there by 3:30. We are to go straight to the CSS office in Moscow where we will collect our file for the Embassy. The Moscow folks are just awesome. They really have it all together. I love these ladies already and I haven't even met them!

Next post, Moscow!

Psalm18:20
"He set me free in the open; He rescued me because He loves me!"

Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow!

2008-06-30T08:56:00.002-05:00

Guess you assumed from the title of the blog that you are an awesome prayer warrior and I will be thanking God for you for the rest of my days! You wonderful friends prayed up a miracle here in St. Petersburg and the judge waived the ten days! I will let you take a moment to let that sink in....................... still need another moment? Okay, me too! :)

Okay, now, may I say that we asked God to intervene and interject His mighty saving power into our circumstance here in Russia. Every Russian told us it was not possible, it would never happen, and they even went so far as to have us sign Powers of Attorney on Friday so we wouldn't have to do it today after court because they were sure we would not be able to stay to do the work ourselves. However, Brian and I prayed very specifically this morning that God would allow us to boldly ask and receive in His name and Jesus' name and I am telling you that nothing short of a miracle happened here today. Our facilitator grabbed me from behind when she said the decision was immediate. Everyone in the courtroom dropped their jaws and then started to look around like, "What just happened?" But I knew what happened, God was working and I really knew, from the very beginning that He would show Himself to us in a big way. I wasn't sure what that way would be, but I knew He would show up and leave no doubt that He had been present with us.

Talk about a faith moment! I was sitting in that courtroom today, palms sweating, literally unable to say my name without stuttering when I first stood up to speak, but I knew God was there with us. I felt His presence, as I often have in the adoption process, and I knew that He was working on our behalf, whatever that might look like.

I'm very sad not to see my sweet beautiful boys tomorrow, but I am SO THRILLED to have my daughter and know that I will not have to leave my little boys behind again for any reason in the near future.

We do not have Mary Margaret with us tonight. It was advised that we leave her at the baby home tonight so that we could very quickly do the things tomorrow that needed to be done. We will pick her up tomorrow and have her with us for the rest of the time. I will post a photo later. Right now I am not on our laptop because Brian is using it to change our flights.

Brian is very worried about leaving his work for an extra two days. If you have any prayer stamina left in you, please do pray that his client is very understanding and nothing negative happens career-wise for him. But for now we are just floating on a cloud and working on all the details we need to work out to get ourselves through the rest of the week in Russia.

Praise GOD!!! And thanks to every one of you who prayed us through this! We will be home on Saturday, just one day short of landing on the Fourth of July! Mom, I wish I had brought Marsha's outfit with me after all! :)

Carol, I have SO much to tell you about court.

Love to you all, and check back later for the full glory of our court day family photo! Guess what, we have a daughter! :)

Matthew 25 (yes, just read the whole chapter, it's worth it!)

Babushka Reprimand, Sunday, June 29

2008-06-29T09:34:00.003-05:00

Okay, funny thing happened this morning. We got to the Dom Rebyanka around 10 AM and the translator went up to her room to ask them to get her ready for outside so we could play with her out there. So when she comes out with her, she said that the caregivers ask her to tell us to stay away from the other children. Seems we were "ruining their discipline." hehehe Even other people's kids we spoil! :) Anyway, she went on to say that the caregivers said that after our little play session yesterday the kids were just wild and they did not follow the rules. So today we were only allowed to play with MM and not with everyone else. Which was really just as well because we had a great day with the M and M.

She still cried when she first saw us. She didn't really want anything at all to do with us. But Brian brought out the Gerber puffs today and that did the trick. After she figured out that we had food, she was happy as a lark. Bribery is not beneath us! :) Anyway, we walked (and walked and walked) laps around the Baby Home. Brian started to kick a rock and she would kick it too. Then she would let go of my hand, run over to him for a little bit of dried fruit, and then run back and grab my hand. She was like a little bird.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like she was jumping into our arms or anything and she still wouldn't even let Brian hold her hand. We still have alot of work to do, but she relaxed alot for sure. She particularly got happier when I would speak the very few words of Russian I know to her. So I think the key is going to be to learn a few little phrases at least that I can say over and over to her. I know some main ones, do you want to eat, sleep, walk, etc., but it might be nice to learn a few other things to have a little more to say to her other than things to do. I would like to learn the names for animals so we could look at books, etc. I know the sounds the animals make in Russian (believe it or not, Russian animals speak a different language too), the frog says, qua qua for example, but I don't know the names. Maybe I will get Marina to give me a list of those translations.

We went to St. Catherine's Catholic Church today for mass. The mass we attended was being said in Polish. So of course, Brian and I couldn't understand a word of it. But the nice thing about a Catholic mass is that if you are Catholic, you know the order of the mass and you can follow along, even if you don't know what the priest is saying. So we knew when it was time to say the creed, the Our Father, etc. And we got to take communion. It was really interesting actually because the priest dipped the host into the wine and gave the communion on the tongue, both blood and body at the same time. I have never seen a priest do that in a Catholic church, but it seems like a good and sanitary idea in a country where TB and other communicable diseases actually do still exist. So anyway, it was really a blessing to attend the mass. I enjoyed it alot.

During the mass, we heard the rain start to POUR outside. I mean coming down in BUCKETS! It was thundering, the whole thing. Of course, this morning it had been beautiful, so we were totally caught unaware. Anyway, we had to run the whole five or six blocks back to our hotel with no umbrella. My sweet husband gave me his jacket for my head and he went without, so he got soaked for sure. I was relatively dry when we got back, except for my feet.

Don't forget, lots and lots of prayers needed for court tomorrow. I foremost am praying for a positive decision from the judge, but beyond that, I would so love an immediate decision. She is just starting to warm to us, it seems so hard and senseless to leave her here for another two weeks and then come in and yank her out of the orphanage first thing. For sure she will not understand if the next time I show up I am taking her into a whole new world. I am really torn about leaving her, but I have to get home to my boys, they need me too. Please just pray that by some miracle, we are able to bring her home this time. We know that God is in control of this situation and that He may choose not to intervene, but we also know that He is able and that He can overrule this judge and we just ask Him to act on her behalf tomorrow.

Psalm 115:3

"Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him."

St. Petersburg Saturday, June 28

2008-06-28T11:28:00.005-05:00

What a gorgeous day in St. Pete. It must have been 80 degrees today, just beautiful! Anyway, we slept in and then went to the Hermitage around 11 AM. One site you will see all over St. Petersburg is stray cats. They are everywhere. In Moscow, we noticed MANY stray dogs, but in St. Pete, it seems to be the cats. I counted five in one alley today, and there must be at least that many hanging out just outside our hotel (they fight all night, but I haven't heard them, Brian told me.)

We were met in the line to the Hermitage by a lady who offered to take us in through the tour group entrance and we could skip the one hour line to get inside. So we said yes, we went in with her and paid her about $12 more than a general admission ticket would have cost.

Inside the Hermitage is amazing. There are over 1,000,000 pieces of art in there. Sculptures and paintings by Michel Angelo, works from Raphael and several other French and Italian masters you would recognize. It's hard to believe that the Russian Tsars actually called this place home. You wouldn't believe the ornate details in every room. It was very interesting to me because I had read a book about Alexandra and Nicholas II, the last Tsar family. It was amazing and I am so glad we made time to do it.

We left the Hermitage at around 2 for lunch and I actually ordered in Russian. I was so proud of myself. I learned alot of Russian before our first trip here in 2000. I have been to Russia six times now and can honestly say I have not said more than "Wvi gavarichi pangleski" to anyone. Oh sure, the occasional dah, nyet, pazhalasta, etc., but I haven't actually tried to converse because I have stage fright. Anyway, today, we got the only guy at KFC who DIDN'T speak English, so I told Brian I could handle it. I am a total nerd for being this excited about ordering two chicken dinners in Russian, but hey, it's a new experience.

At 3 we headed to the baby home. What can I say, MM was NOT glad to see us. The only positive thing I can tell you is that she definitely recognized us. :) She started to cry the minute she saw us. After a few minutes, she settled down and tolerated us for the better part of an hour. Then her group came outside to play and that was all she wrote. The caregiver said something to the effect of "You're going to America" and she started howling. Mind you, she didn't know exactly what the caregiver meant, but she knew that she was talking to her and that she wanted to be with her and not with us. So, we ended up playing with all the kiddos again today. We had a ton of fun. Actually, what happened was that Brian played with a truck, making all kinds of noises for the boys. I sat near MM as she was sitting on the swing with one of the caregivers. I just sat close to her and tried to make eye contact as much as possible while playing with several of the other kids and talking softly to several of the little girls who were sitting near us. Then the group was going to take a walk, so she was not having any part of holding my hand. So, Brian took the hands of one little girl and two boys. I took two boys. Our translator took a little girl, and the two caregivers took the rest, including MM, and we walked all the way around the building in this odd little parade. I tried to get some photos of her looking all happy and stuff, but the minute I got out the camera, she started crying again! :) We are visiting her twice tomorrow, so she should have a very fine miserable day. But that will be the last time we get to see her this trip, if the ten days aren't waived, so we want to make the most of our time. I think she is going to completely freak out when I walk out of that orphanage with her. Today we were walking around the building and I wanted to go up close to the gate, she got to a certain point and wouldn't budge further. She knew the rule was she was not to go close to that gate and she was not having it. It will be quite interesting to see her reaction to a car and many other things. I think it will be fine once she realizes that I am the one she knows the most in the outside world, and I am the source of food and comfort. It will all work out so I don't want you all to be worried about me. But you can keep your prayers coming, we need those!

After the visit, we came to a restaurant with the translator and had some Russian pies (in Russia, pies aren't necessarily desert, they are filled with everything from cabbage to meat, potatoes or traditional fruits.) It was yummy. She went over all the court preparation with us. Boy, is that intimidating. I think we will be happy to have that over with. Our court is at 12 noon on Monday, which is 3:00 AM at home, so if you wake up in the middle of the night Sunday, don't forget to say a little prayer for us. They said court could last from one hour to five hours!!!! Can you imagine?

Hebrews 11:6

"Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that He exists andn that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."

Lazy Days - Friday

2008-06-27T10:15:00.003-05:00

As you might guess from the title, this has been a relatively slow day in St. Petersburg.

We got up at 8:55 for our 9:30 meeting with our driver and translator. We left for the baby home around 9:45. The M and M was not very happy to see us today, to say the least. When we went into her group, we could hear her crying in the back, so she was already upset about something. Then she set off about two others and there was a whole cacophony of crying toddlers. When they finally brought her out to us, she was not crying... until she saw us, then the fountain started again and she was on the verge of a tear the rest of our visit. She would calm down and play for a minute or two, but she would quiver her chin at the slightest thing (even when I tried to switch which hand I was holding during our walk) and the littlest thing could set her off.

We walked, sat and played with stickers, and tried to get her out of her mood, but the best part of the day was when her group came outside to play. She went and got in the swing with another little girl sitting RIGHT beside her (it looked like a front porch swing, but smaller, for three kids) and they swang and smiled. We actually heard her speak! And in the mean time, the other kids were going to take full advantage of two free and willing adults. One little boy threw a ball to Brian, he threw it back and the little boy caught it and started laughing this awesome contagious laugh. The next thing you know, about four kids have balls and are throwing them simultaneously at both Brian and me. The balls are flying everywhere, into the flower bed, over the swings, etc. etc. It was fun and the kids were loving it. The caregiver even joined in at one point. They were all laughing and the one little boy who started the whole thing got sillier and sillier to get more attention. He reminded me of Jack because he started tossing the ball into the air and letting it hit him on the head, etc. Just to be in the middle of the action. I played with two little girls, one named Masha, who was the same little girl who said the "Mama and Papa have come" comment last time. She and I were kicking the ball to one another. The other little girl is a child I had seen many times on the database and actually one my friend Nicole had asked me about. Nicole, I am happy to report that this little girl is alive and well and BEAUTIFUL and living in MM's group in her same baby home. She is tiny compared to the other kiddos, but has the most gorgeous curly long hair and hazel eyes. She was very coquettish and would not throw the ball, but would hand it to me and grin from ear to ear beneath her eyelashes. :) It was actually one of my best memories at a baby home ever. I hope that tomorrow, we will be able to play with the group again. As they were leaving to go inside, they all began to wave and MM waved and said "Paka" to us several times. Although she thought she was getting back to the safety of her group, I think in reality she got to observe us from afar and I hope that helps her warm up to us a bit more tomorrow.

After we left, we went by the notaries office to get some papers ready for court. While we were there, they were able to get all the papers done that we will need for the staff here to get our papers in order without us IF the ten days is somehow not waived. I would please like to encourage each of you to stop RIGHT now and ask God to interject His might and power over the judge into our situation. Ask Him to waive the ten days for us. I meant to bring the Bible up here with me so I could quote the verse exactly, but I don't have it, so I will have to paraphrase, but the very verse I quoted the other day says that the same power God used to raise Jesus from the dead is the power He interjects into our lives if we have faith. I have prayed in total faith that God is going to intercede here on our behalf. I have packed her things and packed as if we are bringing her home. The staff here is telling me there is no point in even asking for the ten days to be waived because she absolutely will not waive it, but we know that there is One who is able to do mighty things and we are asking you all to call on that Power on our behalf. I miss my boys something mad and I almost had a cry session at the notary office this morning just thinking about them. So the thought of leaving them to come back here alone is not an exciting one. But beyond that, it's harder on them than it is on me. And even beyond that, I want those extra two weeks to have her in our life and start the bonding process, start the life that she has waiting for her. And start the rest of our lives as a family. It's not as if it's the end of the world if we have to come back. God has already given us amazing grace through the things He has provided for us already. We have seen His hand and His care in all of this process. And if that is what is required, of course we will do it. But it seems so senseless for her to spend another two weeks in a place where she's not special. When she could spend those two weeks in a place where a multitude of family and friends have been praying for her for a very long time and waiting so longingly to meet her.

Okay, now to the lazy part. When we got back to our hotel around 1:30, we went for lunch at a place called Bili Jili. It's a pizza parlor with outdoor seating. The weather here is GORGEOUS and we enjoyed ICE in our drinks! Wow! What a treat. Afterward, we walked through the Mikailovsky Park near the Savior on the Spilled Blood Church and sat on a park bench reading our books. It was a setting from a novel or something because as we are sitting reading, two "babushkas" were on the next bench and they were feeding the pigeons in front of us. It was so pretty and relaxing.

Today there were brides EVERYWHERE. It's a Russian tradition to have the bride and groom drive all over the city having their photos made while the parents are at the reception entertaining guests. So we saw ALOT of brides today.

Then we returned to the room, called the boys on Skype. If you don't use Skype, you need to! It's amazing. We talked for about thirty minutes for less than two dollars.

Anyway, after that, I laid down and took a one hour nap while Brian joined a conference call and did some work. Bliss! :)

Now I am off to have some dinner and then probably walk around the city and take in some of the draw bridges in the evening as they are lit up and beautiful during the white nights. The sun doesn't actually set here this month, so it's very light outside 24/7.

Thanks for following along with us and please keep praying for Monday!

We Made It!

2008-06-26T08:55:00.003-05:00

After 27 hours of travel, we have arrived at the world's tiniest hotel room! Seriously, Brian and I have to move aside to let the other one pass when navigating the room. And we are in twin beds! We booked a queen or king room, but they had none left when we arrived, so we are in twins. Ugh! Oh well, I think I could sleep in a barber chair tonight and not wake up. I am beat.

We had a five hour layover in Atlanta, where luckily, Brian was able to meet Uncle Bill. Things were so crazy getting out of town, that Brian didn't make it to the bank before it closed. Uncle Bill had to go to his bank and get us crisp money and meet us at the Atlanta airport. Brian gave him a check, but thank goodness for Uncle Bill!

This is Brian in the Atlanta airport, trying to get some work done while we wait. Doesn't he look so happy!?

We did not sleep much on the plane from Atlanta to Moscow. I watched three movies, The Other Boelyn Girl, Definitely, Maybe, and Atonement. Don't bother watching Atonement unless you need a reason to kill yourself, it's seriously depressing! I am also about half way through the book Charlie loaned me called Mountains Beyond Mountains. It's great!

We arrived in Moscow around 10:45 AM. We had to transfer to Terminal 1 to catch our domestic flight to St. Petersburg. No biggie, just a different terminal, right? There's a shuttle. WRONG! This is Russia folks, nothing is as easy and straightforward as it would seem. LUCKILY, I had chatted with a girl from Moscow on the plane and she said she would help us hire a car to get us to the other terminal, which was about ten kilometers away. Lucky we had her because she starting haggling with the drivers right away when we walked out. The first guy wanted $100 to take us, she told him what for and said keep walking. So she called her friend, who said she would take us in her car. But then when she was about to put our things in her car, another driver came up and asked our friend, Lena, if we needed a car. This time she negotiated to pay about $20. BIG DIFFERENCE! Anyway, we were blessed to have come back to Russia with enough Rubles to pay the driver, however, when we were evaluating our Ruble situation, she and her friend both started pulling out money to pay him. Talk about a good samaritan. Brian and I said we will have to remember that and pay someone else the kindness if we are ever in that situation in the US. It was very nice of them to help total strangers this way, but luckily we did not need to borrow money because we had enough.

Then we got to the Terminal 1 with our FOUR checked bags and THREE carry ons (people who know us are laughing because we HATE to overpack... boy, did we overpack!) Anyway, we got to the right terminal, but then we had to pay the equivalent of $120 for excess baggage fee. We didn't realize that there standard was different and since we met the 50 pounds per bag limit for international, we never thought about it. Oh well! Live and learn. We were just blessed that we had it to pay, we haven't gotten to exchange money yet, so that was all leftover stuff from last trip.

One funny thing that apparently is also different in Russia is that when we were in the air over St. Petersburg waiting to land, the girl next to me ANSWERED HER CELL PHONE! It rang, she answered, said a few words, and then hung up. Then she proceeded to text about three people while we were landing. That was not a very happy feeling considering how they always say that it MIGHT interfere with the navigational system of the plane. Oh well, we're here and we're safe!

So, I am in serious need of a shower, some food, and a bed! We are exhausted. I want to try to get some good sleep tonight because I know tomorrow will be a crazy day. I hope (and feel certain) we will get to see our M and M in the morning. Also, my friend Natalia is here visiting her parents so I am going to try to connect with her. Maybe we can stay up a little later tomorrow and take in some of the White Nights.

Paka for now!

On your marks, get set....

2008-06-24T09:12:00.002-05:00

I think I am as ready as I will ever be. I have made my list and checked it twice. God has graciously given me this day, when I really can't leave to go anywhere because the FedEx requires my signature. So in His wisdom, I know He was protecting me, even when all these visa stresses were occuring, He knew I would need this "down" time to regroup, hold my kiddos tight, and get my house in order. So many times in my life, I can look back during times that felt like I had been abandoned and see that in reality, God was holding me tightly and preparing the road for me. But in my frailty and humaness, I too often don't trust and believe that it truly is all working together for my own good. Again and again, God proves Himself to be a loving and gentle Father. He proves to me over and over that He parents me perfectly, giving me boundaries and restrictions in the areas that are best for me, but indulging me in every area He can. I am finally at peace with the travel plans and anxiously awaiting seeing my little girl again... and most anxiously awaiting bringing her home. Either way you slice it, she'll be home this time next month!

Ephesians 1:18-21
"May the eyes of your hearts be enlightened, that you may know what is the hope that belongs to his call, what are the riches of glory in his inheritance among the holy ones, and what is the surpassing greatness of his power for us who believe, in accord with the exercise of his great might, which he worked in Christ, raising him from the dead and seating him at his right hand in the heavens, far above every principality, authority, power, and dominion, and every name that is named not only in this age, but also in the one to come."

So close, but yet so far

2008-06-22T17:25:00.002-05:00

What an eventful 48 hours this has been. Then again, it's been pretty quiet. On Friday afternoon I hear from the NY consulate that I need another piece of paper from Russia. I frantically try to get in touch with our travel agent, who issues the paper (at a cost of $40), but it was not the one I needed. So then I call and e-mail again and they finally get us the one I actually needed for the consulate. So I e-mail that to the sweet person who is trying to help me at the consulate (I'm sure she rues the day she opened my application packet) and WAIT WAIT WAIT for Monday morning so that I can hopefully hear that she has my two FedEx paks, my two vouchers and invitations, and my two money orders and can process all this convoluted mess of stuff into an actual visa in time to drop it in the FedEx for Tuesday delivery. I wish I had paid for morning delivery so I wouldn't have to spend all day Tuesday wondering if I am leaving.

If you are reading this post, PLEASE pray that our visas arrive AND that they waive the ten day wait for us to bring our M&M home in this one trip together. Please claim this scripture with us and for us, as we wholeheartedly believe that we are keeping His command in this adoption. We wholeheartedly believe that Jesus is the son of God. And we genuinely strive to love one another in all that we do. We believe that it is the Lord's will that we would care for this orphan and receive her into our home and family. We believe that it is never His wish that any child should suffer, particularly orphans, and in believing Him in this promise, we believe our desires are pleasing to Him. So we boldly claim:
1 John 3:22-23
"and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us."

Visa stress

2008-06-20T16:16:00.003-05:00

Well, the second package went today to the Russian Consulate with an additional $150 in it. Because I am not able to get a double entry visa, I had overpaid for a single entry visa by $50. I asked them to just accept the "donation" and process the application anyway, but alas, they couldn't accept overages. SO, since I had to FedEx today for Monday delivery, I had to attach an additional $150 to up the fee to the same day visa service. All this is becoming almost comical because for some reason I can't seem to ever get the money order right when I apply for my visa. Remember, I had a money order issue last time. Anyway, as long as we get the visas on Tuesday, we'll be fine. But I am going to be biting my nails til then.

All the flights are booked, even the Moscow to St. Pete (thanks to my husband who knew I was ready to have a nervous breakdown, so he took it from me.) I have a hotel reserved at an okay rate (everything is very expensive right now.) And I am ALMOST packed for me and Mary Margaret. So, if we can get those visas, then we'll be set to go. Please continue to pray that our ten days is waived AND that we get the visas back on time.

Daniel 10:8, 10, 12

"So I was left alone and saw this great vision; yet no strenght was left in me, for my natural color turned to a deathly pallor, and I retained no strength." " Then behold, a hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees." "Then He said to me, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words.'"

Hold the Phone

2008-06-19T16:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, hold the phone. I had no more than checked the arrival of our visa application with the Russian Consulate when I get an e-mail saying that I can't have a double entry visa if I am going as a tourist. Would have been nice if the agency I paid $40 for Visa support had known this to save me more FedEx fees. SO... now I have to go cancel the money order (don't know if you remember the ORDEAL this was last time... think 45 minutes at the bank with multiple bank staff trying to get it done) spend $20 to FedEx the new money order to New York, pay $20 to have them FedEx the visa back to me, because they can't use a visa that is over the exact amount. So in effect, I am going to all this trouble to save myself $10. Does any of this make sense? You're probably having a hard time following the story at this point, but let's just say I had a few choice words for my computer when I got the e-mail from the cosulate on the problem.

I'll say this, the Consulate was very timely in informing me of the mistake. I'll hand it to them that they could have just stuck it back in the mail to me and not even told me, so I am not angry with them, just with the fact that I had this sinking feeling that something was going to be wrong. It's just too complicated and intricate to do with the distractions that I have going on while trying to take care of all this stuff. I knew there was a possibility that I had a mistake. Kuddos to the Russian Consulate for notifying me in a time that I could correct my mistake and still get the visa. Literally, tomorrow is the last day I could have possibly taken care of this and still left on time Wednesday.

The storm before the calm

2008-06-19T13:33:00.002-05:00

I know it came backward, but there was a total storm of activity and emotion. The storm seems to be making it's way off to some other place now and the skies are starting to clear a bit. Today when my husband agreed to take the Aeroflot debacle off my hands, I felt the tension just ease away. Seriously, can NOTHING work the way it should? I went through the booking process on the Aeroflot web-site about four times and they never took my reservation and every time I went back through, the flight I had selected previously was sold out. PLUS, the flights started around $47/person/leg and we ended up paying around $200 because 1. they went up every day and every time I logged in and 2. the taxes were actually MORE than the flights. UGH! But it's done now, thanks DH!

I'm lucky not to be heading to St. Petersburg in crutches. I am sure glad there was no one here to see the little show I just put on in the kitchen... I heard the pot of water I had put on the stove start to boil over, so I RUN into the kitchen to catch it... on the way I hit a puddle of water left by Connor's wet swim trunks and BAM I hit the floor in about two seconds flat. I think I will have a VERY nasty bruise on my right hip by tomorrow, my right wrist is probably a little strained and now I have a massive headache. Too bad no one was here because if you're going to provide that kind of comic opportunity, someone needs to be around to laugh at it. I know my mom will be sorry she missed it, she is notorious for laughing anytime anyone gets injured in her presence! We used to joke with her about it, but now I notice it's a habit I've carried over to my kids, there's just something really funny about someone falling. Ask my friend, Amie's mom about how that feels, I think she's still holding a grudge for the time Amie laughed at her for falling and flinging her purse halfway across the parking lot... but I diverge!

Last night I went over the my friend Kendra's house. Amie met us over there and we had a big massive clothes swap. I have the oldest boys, so I hand down my stuff to Kendra, and then she hands it down to Amie (not that alot of my stuff is worth handing out after it's been through three boys.) Then Amie has the oldest girls, so her stuff goes to Kendra and then to me. Then of course, Kendra has some of her own new stuff that she passes to both of us. So it was a massive swap. I was the biggest beneficiary last night because I got two huge totes of clothing that was HEAPED to the point where I couldn't put the lids on. The girl will not be wearing anything twice for the rest of the summer, that's for sure. I think I might actually get to buy a few things for winter, but summer is definitely going to be a fun fashion show! :)

Okay, off to check a few more things off the to-do list and hang out with my little fellows for the afternoon. I'll keep you posted, but the real thing that is still hanging over our head is the visas. I have mailed the applications, but I am terrified that I have not filled out the air bill correctly or something like that and we won't get them by Tuesday. On that note, I'm off to check the tracking number to make sure it's arrived in NY.

Mark 6:56
"Wherever He entered villages, or cities, or countryside, they were laying the sick in the market places, and imploring Him that they might just touch the fringe of His cloak; and as many as touched it were being cured."

Giddy Up

2008-06-17T22:45:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time to climb back into the saddle. Why am I having so much more difficulty getting my travel organized this time? Well, let's see, it could have something to do with the fact that we might be coming home July 1, we might not. We might be returning from St. Petersburg on July 1, but we might be staying there. We might have to move to an apartment on July 1, but there might not be one. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the apartment I thought I was booking, someone beat me to, and so I had to change to a hotel. Then I had visa invites being issued by two separate agencies... cancel that. Okay, now I have one agency and two visa invitations, but one of them was supposed to be for double entry, it's not, so now they have to fix that little issue. Did I mention that every day that ticks off the calendar, the charge for the actual visa is more expensive?

Oh yeah, and I got the last ticket Delta had on the last possible day that I could possibly return for my third trip. So I have to stay a few days longer than I anticipated. Marina, hope you're ready to spend a weekend with me in mid-July because I will be lonely there without my buddies!

So... STRESS!!!! I would rather just pull a blanket over my head and read a book because this is all totally overwhelming me. Let's see, what's left to do? Book tickets from Moscow to St. Pete on the day we arrive, write speech for court, pack, get the visas, get the cashiers check for the visas, get all our tax returns and pay stubs we need for Embassy, get two more documents that are needed for court and have those certified and apostilled. Hmmm... how am I going to fit parenting three boys on summer vacation into all this "to do" list?

John 15:5
"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

Fun, fun, fun!

2008-06-13T16:45:00.003-05:00

Today I had a little tiny reward for all my months of work and years of praying for this daughter of mine. I packed her bag for Russia! :) WOW! That was SO much fun. I pulled out the dresses, put the bows in a baggie along with some "hairy dos" (as Connor says) and picked out which socks and tights would go with each outfit. I packed her little cape and her little white Mary Janes (and the pink ones too.) What fun! I put in the bag of toys the neighbors gave us for the plane ride home. I packed a duplicate of the lift the flap book we left with her at the orphanage in May. I packed lots of little packs of puffs and cheerios (I figure food is a good bribe if she has moments of anxiety.) I had to pack her "fuggy" (a pink bumpy blanket trimmed in satin.) I have four new dolls for her, two of whom have hard bodies, so I will choose one of them to travel with us too. I bought her a little dress a while back with a matching doll dress, so I will pack the doll in the matching dress.

I have purchased all the gifts for the various folks. The gift we got the translator is fabulous. We went together with another family from our agency and bought her a Coach messenger bag. It's so cute. I debated keeping it for myself as a diaper bag, but I figured it wasn't really a splurge I could afford at this point in time. We have gifts for the orphanage, but we are planning to buy most of it there as they usually need diapers and we can get them there without having to travel with them. We got them sippy cups too, I think I bought about 50 sippy cups for the kids. :) I would like to get them something fun that the children would really love, but I am not sure what they need, so we will just buy it in Russia.

I am down to two apartments to choose from, so that will be booked, hopefully by the weekend.

I am just so over the moon about this trip. I can't wait to see our little M and M again. JOY JOY JOY!

Forget the nest, it's party time! :)

2008-06-12T20:14:00.002-05:00

Well, my nesting session was cut short by the good news about a court date. I certainly didn't get it all accomplished this week like I had hoped (I was probably overshooting my reach to expect all that anyway.) Once we had reason to celebrate, I told the boys to forget the schedules and rules, we were "on vacation." Since we aren't getting a real family vacation this year (between Russia and Scotland, it's a little hard to find the time or the cash) I just decided that this would be our vacation. We've ordered pizza, eaten total junk food (I've fixed all their favorites) scrapped the chores and the schedules and let the clean house go. Did I mention I finally mopped today because our feet were starting to stick to the floor when we walked! :) It's been such a fun week connecting with the boys, relaxing, and just having fun.

I've gotten the flights booked using miles, thanks to a couple of generous friends for helping out with that. I've almost gotten the lodging booked. I will need to get the Visas next week since there is a Russian holiday today and tomorrow so I can't get my invitation. Brian will be home Saturday and we can finalize the details then.

The fun thing is that I have started packing for her! :) I realized that I needed to pack everything as if she is coming home with us, because there's still a miniscule chance the judge would waive the ten days OR that I would end up staying over. Now THIS is the fun part of this process. All the hardest parts are over (except court) and we get to do the very real tasks of preparing for this little girl to join our family. This is where it all starts to pay off, where the dreams start to become reality. It's so exciting. So many people have prayed for this child for so long and now they are about to see the fruits of their labors.

On a side note, my friend Michelle is traveling to Russia this coming week to meet her daughter. I am requesting prayers for her as she and her husband need safety, peace, and protection for their boys that are staying behind. I am praying that God will give them undoubtable understanding that the child they are adopting was meant to be in their family. Please pray with me for them.

Psalm 31:24
"Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord."

He broke my chains, now I can lift my hands!

2008-06-11T14:45:00.002-05:00

That is a line from my all-time favorite praise song, "Shackles" by Mary Mary. "He broke my chains now I can lift my hands, and I'm gonna praise You! Yes I'm gonna praise You!" So, today we are PRAISING!!!! We got our court date! We are going to court on June 30, 2008! Brian is quite the international traveler, now, don't you think? I mean, three international flights, four countries, multiple cities, in only six short weeks!

Ya-Hoo! What can I say... our flights are booked (we actually were able to use miles... another big PRAISE!) and we're working on a hotel (forget the Marriott, they wanted 222,000 points for five nights! ugh!) And all that's left to do is VISAS, oh my gosh, the Visas... gotta go get to work. More later! :)

Exodus 15:2
"The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation; This is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will extol Him."

Fly on over to my nest

2008-06-08T19:57:00.002-05:00

That's right, I am doing some MAJOR nesting. I think it's really safe to post about this because my DH is in Scotland, so I doubt he's blogging, but for Father's Day, I decided to surprise him with a clean and organized garage. So, after a FULL day of cleaning, SWEATING, throwing away, moving, SWEATING, organizing, SWEATING, and using power tools (did I mention it was hot?), I can now actually park my very large SUV in our garage. :) (I know it's bad for the environment, but I can't exactly fit four kids in a Ford Focus!) My husband actually hates it when I park in the garage (it's his "room" and he likes it a certain way.) The kids and I never cooperate in helping him keep his "room" clean. We trash it! I mean, totally abuse it! And he quietly cleans up after us. Granted, we have to endure him throwing away a few of our things, but he doesn't fuss, which is amazing! Anyway, what does this have to do with M&M's adoption, you might be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you what... I'm nesting! Yes, it's official. I've been on this bent for a few days now... that's overachieving for a self-proclaimed ADD sufferer. I have focus and I am putting my energy to some major use. My house was so clean on Friday that when my 19 year old babysitter showed up she said, "Wow, it's clean!" Now if a 19 year old notices, THAT's CLEAN!

The other thing I have been doing is stalking eBay. I found these precious dolls. They are called Berenguer Dolls. They are the same ones you can buy at Target, but the ones at Target are classified "play dolls". I want one of the collectible dolls. These things are SO lifelike that you could seriously send out a baby announcement and no one would suspect a thing! However, I'm not willing to pay $50 for a doll for a two year old, but I keep thinking I'll find one with an ink mark or a tear or something that I can live with and still afford. I'm determined for my little girl to have one of these! :)

This week I plan to organize and purge the rest of the house. I need to finish sewing her new duvet cover because it doesn't have a back on the cover yet. After that, the room is totally done and I can take photos of it to complete the judge's photo album. I'll post photos here when I'm finished. I know there are photos already here, but I had to redo everything when I found out she was so young... can't really see her sleeping in a queen sized bed after all. (I thought she would be closer to three at referral.) Anyway, it's really looking so cute! I also want to clean out some closets, get some stuff into the attic, and do some light touch-ups on some paint. If I can accomplish all this in a week while my husband is out of town, then I think I can successfully keep my mind off the adoption. And the added bonus is that the last time I went through this surge, we got "the call" shortly thereafter, so maybe this is intuition telling me to get it in gear because she's coming home. Coming home... doesn't that sound great!?!?

John 1:12-13
"But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God."

We Made It!

2008-06-06T08:26:00.002-05:00

We made it through the first week of the judge being back from vacation. I am feeling pretty good about myself right about now because I really thought I would be two jumps ahead of a fit by now, but I have actually found the week went by pretty quickly. I know that they are waiting for this piece of paper. I know that S in Moscow can track it down if things delay too much. I also had the privilege of following my friend T through her successful first trip this week, which was very good for my spirits. I was so excited for her that I sort of forgot to obsess about myself.

Brian is leaving on Saturday for the trip of a lifetime. He and his dad are going to be playing St. Andrew's together. They are going with his two brothers-in-law. This is a dream he and his dad have had of doing together for most of Brian's adult life. This is something that was on his "life list" of things to accomplish. I am very excited for them! We knew that this was the ONE WEEK of the entire year that we could not possibly travel. To play St. Andrews, you have to get into a lottery and if your name is drawn, you go on the day they tell you to be there. You can't just book a tee time any old time you please. So there was no way for him to rearrange this trip. Not to mention, there were three other people who would be affected by any changes we made. So we are breathing a collective sigh of relief that Brian will have this trip behind him and the calendar is wide open from here on out. We can be on a plane as quickly as we can get our visas and tickets booked, so anytime next week will be fine for getting our court date... hint hint if anyone with any influence is reading this! :)

All this to say, I am sure that now that my husband is gone out of the country, my friend T is back from Russia and my friend M is a week away from traveling (read, there will be no one for me to live vicariously through next week), I will be back to obsessing about myself! But for this week, I am just going to pat myself on the back that I made it through the first week, I got my last piece of paper overnighted successfully, and it's out of my hands. Literally, the whole thing is out of my hands, God is in control now and that's a pretty good place to be. Certainly it's in better hands than when it was up to me.

Hebrews 13:5
"Never, no never, will I leave you nor forsake you."

Guess What!

2008-06-04T08:23:00.002-05:00

Okay, sorry to fool you with the title, it's not "that" what... but it is a little morsel of news. See, we in the adoption community live for, we hang on, crumbs of information! I got an e-mail yesterday from our stateside director of Russian adoption saying that she heard that they are just waiting for "the letter from Moscow" to be able to schedule our court date. I am aware of this "letter" and know theoretically what it is, but I'm not fully sure of what it is for or it's purposes. So I am just hoping that there is nothing holding the letter up, no snag, just summer delays and that it's on it's way. So, at least that's a little crumb of news for me and for you. It's at least proof that they know we are out here waiting and missing our little princess. It's some indication that they are trying to get us back to her. I will feel so much better after the court date is scheduled.

I have been thinking alot about those ten days between the court decision and taking custody. I don't know how I can bare to leave her again. But I don't think I can bare to be away from my boys that long either. Who needs me more? Mothers shouldn't be faced with decisions like this. I would love to just be with her every day at the orphanage, play with her within her group and get her more used to me so that she wouldn't be so stunned when we leave with her. She is so cautious and shy, I am afraid that it will really upset her the first few days that we are outside the baby home. I know that is alot of change for a little one of her age and especially a cautious child. I know it's a major change for such a little girl and I am thinking that those ten days just being with her might ease the transition for her. But of course, best case scenario, the ten days gets waived, we both stay the full time to get the business done, Brian and I are there together to pick her up and bring her home. That would be a miracle, I know, but I do still believe they happen. So if you want something to pray for, a quick court date with a ten days waived would be ideal! The one thing I do know is that God is hear with us. Jesus can feel our suffering for her. I also know that God is with her. That's the hard one to accept, I know He is caring for us. But to trust that He is caring for her too is the harder one for me. I want to be the one caring for her, but in reality, she's in no better hands than when she is in His caring embrace. I guess the bottom line is that I am afraid God will ask me to walk through something painful in regard to this adoption that I am afraid to walk through. I'm so afraid He will require something of me that I know will tear me down and consume me. But I know that I know that I know that I know that He will be there with me in that too. Once again I find myself in a position to "give it up" and trust my Father to hold me gently.

Okay, enough rambling. I'm really just trying to pretend like I have something to report. And I know all the blog stalkers are sick of logging in to no new posts, so I'll end your torture now! :)

Psalm 34:4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Aren't we the lucky ones?!!!

2008-05-29T08:55:00.003-05:00

A recurring theme in my life lately seems to be how "lucky" our kids are (particularly in reference to our daughter) to be adopted into our family. I don't get this. I mean, yes, I realize that children are not meant to grow up in orphanages and need the love that a family offers. I realize all that. But people make comments to us about how lucky our kids are and what a great thing we are doing as if Brian and I are these self-less philanthropists out to free the world of injustice (or at least orphans.) In reality, we are selfish humans who are purely motivated by self-centered desires. We are not adopting our daughter, or any other children for that matter, to save a life. We are adopting our daughter because we want a daughter. We want to share our home with another child. We want our boys to have a sister, we want to know the love of both daughters and sons. Here all the "we's" in those sentences? That's because we came to the decision to add a child to our family motivated by our wishes and desires and those of our sons. We came to this point because we felt it would be a good thing for our family. Of course, the nice affect of our selfish motives is that an orphan does get to know the love of a family. Of course, I do hope that Mary Margaret will be blessed by the outcome of our selfish motivation to bring her into our family. I hope that this will be one of the best things to happen to her and I know that it will certainly change the trajectory of her life irrevocably. I know all those things and I am glad that this one thing we are doing to fulfill our own desires will have a positive impact on another human and hopefully the world in general. But honestly, it is us, our family, and Brian and I as a couple, who are blessed beyond reason and belief by the addition of each of these children to our lives. There is no other way to look at it, it's our blessing far more than it's theirs, to parent these little souls.

On my soapbox for a minute, I will tell you that as a Social Worker, I found that the people who did adopt out of a need to rescue someone were usually ill-advised. The only reason to adopt a child is that you desire to add a child to your family. People who approached adoption to fulfill a need to "rescue" a "pitiful" orphan, find that the high of humanitarian goodwill quickly fades when you are living with another person and they are dependent on you for every need. Once the person is actually "rescued", then the motivation is gone. It's always best to remember that the only reason to adopt is a desire to parent! I know there are always extenuating circumstances and I'm not saying that people who stumble upon adoption cannot make it work, but in general, if you don't have a desire to parent another little human, you should probably stick to writing checks to save the world, not adopting!

So, now that I'll step down off my soap box for a little soul-baring. I am really missing our daughter right now. I am starting to feel the pain of separation. I am starting to worry about her. I know that the baby home has done an excellent job of caring for her and they will continue to care for her. I am not worried about that. I am just wanting her here to be part of our family and experience all the fun we are having with our lazy summer days. I want her here laying around for lazy mornings and going to the pool for swim practice. I want to take her on the boat and have her in the backyard catching lightening bugs with her brothers. I want to be spending the summer getting to know her and having her get to know us.

Romans 8:24
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?"

Anticipation

2008-05-25T22:21:00.003-05:00

A friend posed the question tonight on our adoption support list if it was "normal" to be nervous about leaving the orphanage with your child. I remember from my days as a case worker that I was far more nervous about the families that weren't nervous than the families that were. Honestly, show me a family who has not a care in the world and I will show you a naive set of parents who are in for the shock of their lives. It's the worriers, the nervous, that I trust. They know enough to have their socks scared off them and this means they will prepare and they are at least somewhat aware of the change coming their way. Yes, it's "normal" and absolutely essential, to have some nerves if you have half a clue what you're getting yourself into.

You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.

But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!

But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.

Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!

Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.

Memorial Day

2008-05-24T07:59:00.002-05:00

We leave for my mom's house today. Every Memorial Weekend we have "Festivus" where my siblings and I come home with our 10 collective kiddos since we don't get together at Christmas anymore. (My parents graciously travel to each of us at Christmas so that the kids can stay in their own beds on Christmas Eve night, but that's another story.)

Anyway, I know this weekend is about remembering those who gave their lives or fought for our freedom. I am also remembering the "Memorial Day" we saw in Russia. It was awesome how patriotic the Russians are and how they honor their veterans. I think the Americans could really take a lesson from the Russians on this count!

The other thing I am remembering right now though, is my daughter. There are several families who we've gotten to know in this process, who are leaving Russia from a great first week getting to meet their kids. They all posted on their blogs about their last visits, and this got me thinking about my lasts with my three Russian kiddos. When we left Jack, his caregiver told us not to be sad because he would feel that in his heart and he would carry the sadness. He was only 10 months old, so I doubt he was picking up on those cues, but nonetheless, it was a nice sentiment. And as it turns out, he is a very intuitive kid who does pick up on the slightest social nuance, so who knows. Anyway, I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel (1.5 hour drive.) It was 11 weeks before we saw our first child again!

With Liam, I really worried about him when we left him. Even though I knew he was in a good baby home, I was a mom at that point and knew the love of my son already. Also, he was very clingy. He would latch onto us the moment he saw us. We had trouble testing to see if he could walk because he didn't want to let go of us. He was 17 months old, so I knew he would likely be confused when we didn't come back for a while. It was a tough 11 weeks (again) until we could go and bring him home.

This time, our daughter was very comfortable in her surroundings and seems to love her caregivers. From that perspective, I feel good about how she is doing without us. But it's how we are doing without her that is hard. I was just sick on that last day thinking how senseless it was that I couldn't just leave with her. I know all the reasons why we have to make two (or three) trips, etc. I understand the process all too well. But it seems so unnecessary that she should have to stay there and suffer the love of a family while we gather papers. I wish the police department could feel some of this pain in my heart and HURRY up with those letters! The thing is, we are waiting for letters from the FPD saying that we haven't committed a crime in the last few months since our LAST letter of no record. I mean, I know it makes sense theoretically, but knowing that I am the last person who would intentionally commit a crime makes it seem a little over the top that my daughter has to wait for our police department to go do a background check on me. Since I've already had six of these letters done and no record has ever been found, it's unlikely that I'm going on a crime spree now, don't you think? Anyway, I think this might have been the hardest "leave" yet. Not only was I sad about leaving my daughter, I was sad for her brothers that they would have to wait longer to meet her (I knew this would be hard as they were sort of thinking maybe we'd bring her home.) I was also sad of all the things we will miss in her life while we are apart. I was sad that she wasn't here for the end of school festivities (pic-nics in the park, etc.) And now that summer is here, I am sad that she isn't here to visit my mom's with us this weekend and I could be showing her off to all my family! Lastly, I'm sad at the thought of leaving my boys again, this time for over a week, to go back and get her. I know it's all necessary. I understand the logic of it all. I really do want the Russian government to make sure these kids are going to good homes and protect their safety. I want all that. But the emotional side is not happy about it! :(

Happy Memorial Day!

Make way for Mary Margaret!

2008-05-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

While waiting for our referral and first travel dates, I filled my time with things like stalking other people's blogs, looking at the Russian database, and generally feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a referral and travel date. I annoyed all my friends by being conversely down in the dumps and then a dump to be around because I was on the pity train way too much!

Now that we have a referral and have made our first trip to meet her, I am filling my time with what makes it seem more iminent that she will be home soon. I've packed and re-packed what I think I should bring for her to wear in Russia. I think I have decided on about ten outfits. Yes, I know, we'll probably only be there about six days, but still, a girl needs choices! I am in the very fun stage of packing, which is deciding which bow goes most perfectly with each outfit. I know I could take one white one and it would match everything, but I've waited eight years to put a bow in someone's hair, so this is no time for practicality! Accessories, accessories, accessories! I've folded the two cutest bibs (one a gift, one antique made by my grandmother) for her to wear not to mess up any outfits. And I will soon be looking for shoes to fit her small feet. :) Fun!

I thought you might like to see some of the outfits that I am bringing with me when I come back for her (I'm thinking positively that it's going to be soon.) It would be sooner if the TAX ASSESSOR would call me back so I could order my proof of residence.

Mark 10:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."

What a difference a day makes!

2008-05-19T21:30:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was still recovering from jet lag. Yesterday, I was dragging around here like I would never have another ounce of energy and wondering how in the world I was going to get it together for a two week trip if this one week threw me for such a loop.

TODAY, however, I am FINALLY back to myself. I have been productive. I have not taken a nap. I have worked on adoption paperwork and finished all but two documents, both of which I am waiting on from county or city offices. Today, I am busy, and I am MISSING our Mary Margaret.

SO, a little retail therapy was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I bought her the cutest little outfits from a children's boutique here in town. Next, I got her the cutest pair of hot pink Mary Jane Crocs you've ever seen. We have a boat and we spend many days at the pool, so she will need these. (That's a bit of a joke because my husband says I have trouble telling the difference between a need and a want.)

Anyway, I'm back to blog stalking. I am following the journeys of four families who are currenlty in Russia. Two families are getting their referrals this week (one yesterday, one today) and you can read their stories by clicking the links on the right hand side of my blog. They are Carol and Lance, Becky and Keith, The Cravens, and Tiger and Kar. (Sorry, my technical skills have not yet conquered being able to add the link right here in the text.)

So, it really hit me like a wave today (while I was at the bank, I was showing her picture to all the tellers, as if they care) and it hit me that I am missing my little girl. I want her home with me. I knew it wouldn't take long before my "I'm okay, she's okay, we'll be together soon" turned into a "I'm dying to get back to her and is she really okay." And it happened today. Ten days to the day since we've seen her, I am wondering if she feels okay, is she sick, is she eating, is she doing new things, etc. etc. I am wondering if she is liking her new group (they moved her while we were there), and I am wondering if we'll get back to her in time for her to celebrate our middle son's birthday in June. Wouldn't it just be amazing if she was home for his birthday! He is the one boy who has been praying for this girl, his little sister, since before she was born. Literally, he started praying for her about two years ago. Every night he prays that God will bring him a little sister. I also have been praying for her for a very long time. Before she was born I was praying for her birth mother and hoping she was not suffering too much from the struggle of bearing a child she knew she couldn't provide for. I've been praying for her caregivers, the judge, the Ministry workers, and all the hands that have touched our dossier. So now that I have a face and a name, I'm praying even more that God is holding her in the palm of His righteous and able hand, until we can hold her in ours. Oh, how I hope and pray that He is keeping her safe and well for our return. And how I hope that day speeds toward us quickly!

So many times I have turned to the words of Habakkuk during this adoption. I feel like he is an old friend to me at this point and I so admire his faith and perserverance and determination. I take comfort and inspiration from his words. I'll leave you with some hopeful ones tonight, words of hope and a reminder that our time is not always God's timing. Though things seem too long in our minds, they arrive just at the appointed time on the Kingdom clock.

Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."

There's no place like home, there's no place like home.....

2008-05-12T20:30:00.003-05:00

Dorothy, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!

Boy, is it good to be home! There really is no place like home, no matter how much you look forward to the travel, no matter how much you wait and pray for it, it's always good to crawl into your own bed and be kissed by your sweet boys!

Right now, I'm doing okay with the waiting thing (don't you think that's good of me, I mean, after all, it's been three days since I saw our Meg!) hahaha Truly, I know that God has just carried us through the past week and continues to carry us even now. One of my dear friends sent me an e-mail while we were in Russia, reminding me how God has walked this road before us, He has already gone through with the entire adoption and is waiting for us at the end of the road He's paved for us. But yet, we are not alone, Jesus walks WITH us. And He is with us here, waiting for our court date, wishing for Mary Margaret to join us, and feeling our anxiety over the rising cost of airfare, the extra paperwork we need to complete, the angst over how our precious daughter is doing, He feels it all and is with us here in this moment. Miraculously, He is there with her too. If you've ever been in an orphanage, you've been in the presence of God. One thing I know is that where there are widows and orphans, there is God in all His glory and His power, robed in His full splendor. These kids certainly do not suffer alone, He hears every cry! There is a song by Jars of Clay that says, "God hears your sighs and counts your tears...." I LOVE that thought. He hears my SIGHS! He feels my tiredness and my jet-lag and my desire to be 100% here with my boys, but my tug to be with my daughter too. He knows all this, and He has ordained it, and will bless it if I give it to Him to bless.

Wow, Aunty Em, I'm glad the tornado is passed and I'm back in Kansas, even for a little while!

2 Corinthians 4:7
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves."

St. Petersburg Day 5-Friday

2008-05-09T05:54:00.003-05:00

SUCCESS!!!!!! We had a great day with our little one today. She was dressed for outdoors when we got to the orphanage, so we went to the playground with her. She actually let Brian pick her up. She cried just a little when he first picked her up, but then as soon as I got out the bubbles, she started to let him hold her and play with the bubbles and there was no problem. She actually let him carry her around for about 10 or 15 minutes, so he was very happy about that. We felt that this was a very good sign that it might not take as long as we had feared for him to warm up to us.

And a really great thing also happened while we were there. The little girl I wrote about yesterday, the one who asked about Mama and Papa, her DAD was there today, walking around with her, holding her hand, etc. The translator said she overheard him talking to the caregivers. Apparently he visits alot and he plans to get her from the orphanage and raise her. He is a single dad, and apparently having a hard time. So that is very good news. I was thrilled that we were able to know that she is okay, I worried about her.

After we visited her, we were dropped off at the Hermitage museum Today is a holiday in Russia, so it was a very fun time to be down there in the crowd. The Hermitage was closed, unfortunately, but we were able to go inside the Church of the Spilled Blood, Michaelovsky Gardens, the Russian Orthodox Cathedral, the only Roman Catholic Church in St. Petersburg (St. Catherine's), and pick up a couple of souvenirs. We also found a great pizza cafe that we will remember for our next trip. All in all we've had a great day today.

We bid farewell to our translator, we will not see her again until the next trip. Our driver will pick us up at the hotel tomorrow morning at 5 AM for our 7:25 flight. We are SO anxious to get out of Dodge and back to the boys! We can't wait to see them. Brian and I have already decided that the boys should all sleep in our bed tomorrow night so that we won't have to be away from them for one minute. Only 14 hours until we are singing "Happy Trails"! :) And looking forward to the next trip and court.

St. Petersburg Day 4-Thursday

2008-05-08T08:52:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are, in lovely St. Petersburg, Day 4, Thursday. Yes, as I already stated in my header... sorry for the redundancy. Anyway, if you didn't get the absolute privilege of reading my husbands account of the medicals from yesterday, my apologies. There are many people still crying with laughter over his account. You really can't make up stuff this good. We paid a small fortune for the opportunity to be naked together (really only topless, don't panic too much) in a room with three Russian doctors and our translator. As my husband reported, I never envisioned myself being topless in a room with my husband and spectators, but if I had, this would definitely have not been the setting I pictured! :) If you're coming to St. Pete for your adoption, you can contact me and I will give you the full play by play to prepare you.

But on to today. We had a fantastic visit with the little angel. She is positively precious, bright, and "with it". At her baby home, we are allowed to go and collect her from her group. I have never been given this privilege before, so it seems wonderful that we would be allowed to go and see where she plays and where she sleeps. We have only ever been allowed to go into the "back" of the orphanage after a court decision, so this is new. It's wonderful! Anyway, when we went to get her, she cried when she first saw us again. But she quickly forgot her fear when we pulled out the stacking cups. She is particularly fond of the stickers I stole from our reward drawer at home. The boys could care less about them anyway, so now I've found someone who will appreciate the snoopy and smiley stickers that have been hanging around there for years. :) Anyway, she loved sticking stickers all over me and she even gave a few to Brian. She liked playing with the stacking cups again and was very quick about turning them over to the right direction when I would hand them to her upside down (we're sure she's a genius.) Anyway, all good stuff. At one point, she pulled the tape measure out of my bag and immediately tried to put it around her head. Do you think she has had her head circumference measured a time or two? Her waist is 19 inches around, in case you're wondering. :) I had to know so that I could put in the elastic for the things I have sewn for her.

She also ended up finding a plastic bag in our backpack, which she found quite entertaining. Typical for a child, the bag the toy comes in is often more interesting than the toy itself. Her favorite thing of the day, however, were the Gerber Graduates. Our translator forbid me to give her very many of them (I wanted to spoil her with the whole bag), but she accepted it well when I put them away and told her "f-sho" (finished.) When it was time to return to her room, I gave her the bag and she carried it with her back to the room. I asked the caregiver to give some to the whole group. I will tell myself they distributed them and didn't toss them in the trash. I am not sure.

But I do have to make record of the absolute most heart breaking thing that has happened to me in an orphanage to date. Warning, get your tissues! When we were waiting for the caregivers to get her ready for our visit, we were standing in the entrance to her room. These two little ones were walking out with another caregiver, headed to their physical therapy. As soon as they rounded the corner, the little girl of the group got very excited and said, "Mama and Papa! Mama and Papa have come!" The caregiver replied, "A's Mama and Papa!" She craned her neck to watch us as long as she could see us. The image of this little angel going down the steps with her head turned looking back at us is burned in my brain forever. I wanted to grab her and tell her that she would have a mama and papa too, but of course, I don't know this. For some reason, it's very tense for me when I am in the orphanage and I see other children. There is this chasm between me and them and I want to run over to them all, hold them, hug them, give them candy and blow bubbles for them. I want to do something to give them some delight. But for some reason, it's all very stiff and it's not generally encouraged that you would interact with the other children. I think part of this might be because our translator doesn't seem very comfortable with it. I want to be respectful because obviously, she has to maintain a reputation and working relationship with these women. But on the other hand, I just want to give the kids a little bit of the love I have for all of them. I wish I could change all of their lives for the better.

So, that was our day with MM. We came back to the room and spent two hours being debriefed on what to expect from our court experience. I am feeling a little nervous about it because they say it will be about two hours long. In Moscow, it was always around 30 minutes and the judge was very kind. I don't know what to expect this time, but two hours seems like a long time. I just want everything to go well so we can get our daughter home to complete our family and start our life with her.

Tomorrow is our last day and I dread leaving our daughter, but I look forward to seeing my boys. So that will make Saturday a happy occassion for us.

Thank you for your continued prayers and e-mails!

St. Petersburg Day 3, Wednesday

2008-05-07T05:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we went to the Baby Home to see MM again. This time it was a much better visit. The doctor first gave us her medical history, including what age she reached all milestones, from first smile to first step. It was way more information than we have gotten in the past and I was very pleased with everything she had to say. Brian and I felt we could not have asked for better, truly. So we are over the moon with our daughter! She warmed up to us alot yesterday. She tolerated Brian, but she was smiling for me, gave me a hug, and made good eye contact. She is able to stack cups and nest them as well. All of these things seem to be in good order and we aren't concerned at all. The ladies at her baby home seem very engaged with the children and very caring with them as well. They had given her a haircut when we got there yesterday, but the caregiver was showing us that they left some long in the back (think mullet) so that we could see how wavy her hair is! :) Sweet!

Anyway, today was the 8 doctor medical. Oh boy, what can I say? I can survive anything now! I survived being poked and prodded by 8 Russian doctors, removing my clothing down to the waist for an x-ray, an EKG, and a breast exam (with my husband AND translator in the room.) It appears that I am now considered healthy enough to adopt a child. This is very good news for the three I already have at home. :) I will say this, they took about six pints of blood and were able to get all the HIV, Hep, etc. tests analyzed in less than four hours. Never say anything about Russian beauracracy, I've never seen a US lab work that fast! :) Truly, it wasn't the worst experience I've ever had, but I wouldn't say I'd want to repeat it.

We met another couple who was also having their medical done at the same time. We were in the directors office having tea and cookies and cakes together. We decided to meet them for dinner tonight (probably at KFC, hahaha) and debrief from the day. They are adopting from another agency, but staying on the same street, Nevsky. If you are coming to St. Petersburg, I recommend trying to stay near Nevsky Prospekt. It is the main street in St. Petersburg and everything is very convenient to this site. The Hermitage is on this street, the Church of the Spilled Blood, etc. etc. We hope to go to the Hermitage, maybe tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

It's still cold here. But it's not too bad, better than yesterday. We are going back to the Baby Home in about an hour for another two hour visit. We are really looking forward to seeing our daughter. At that time, we have to come up with her new name. We will see what Brian decides. Supposedly, he is looking at names on the internet to see if anything strikes him, if not, then Mary Margaret it is! :)

Stay tuned, I am really hoping to be able to post more later. By the way, thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and e-mails. It's been so hard being away from home, away from our boys, and away from "connection", but knowing so many people were following us and praying for us has really helped!

Paka!

St. Petersburg Day 2 - Tuesday

2008-05-06T05:27:00.002-05:00

Okay, first I will apologize for the "nothing" post yesterday. Today we received our official referral of a little girl. She was born October 11, 2006. She is adorable. She has dark hair and dark eyes. We have not been to the orphanage to see her yet today, we are waiting for the driver to collect us about thirty minutes from now. But we did see her photo at the office of the Committee this morning. I can't wait to post tomorrow and tell you all about her.

As for our visit, first and foremost, we are missing our boys TERRIBLY!!!! I can't stand to be away from them for a weekend. I truly am just not someone who likes to leave my kids. I don't even like to leave them with my husband for a weekend, so leaving them and going out of the country is definitely out of my comfort zone. I can't wait to get back and be mommy again and just do all the fun stuff that we do together every day. Even some of the not so fun stuff (like homework), I'm looking forward to. I hear that the boys are being brave and having lots of fun with Meme, so that helps alot!

Okay, I'm totally over the second-hand-smoke already! Seriously, it makes me SO appreciate the smoking ban in Tennessee. I am not sure about the rest of the country, but in TN, you can't smoke anywhere that admits people under 21 years of age. It's wonderful and I don't miss walking out of restaurants smelling like an ash-tray. Pretty much, our bags will need to be fumigated when we get home because there is SO much smoke here. I'm just not used to it and it gives me a headache.

The weather here is okay. It was supposed to be warm all week so I didn't bring a coat. But then we woke up to snow this morning! BRRR! My son, Liam, tried to tell me that I needed to bring my down jacket and I told him it would be too warm. Turns out I should have listened to him. Luckily, I did pack two wool sweaters, so I'm doing okay. The snow isn't sticking, so my shoes are fine.

There's not too much to report yet. I can't wait to get to the baby home this afternoon and spend time with our daughter, get the evaluation from the doctor, and ask all my questions to the director. I will hopefully have much more to post tomorrow! :)

Das Vedanya

St. Pete Day 1

2008-05-05T06:08:00.002-05:00

The morning was tied up with adoption work today, we met O at 10 and then N joined us around 11:30. We were left off at the hotel about 12 and had the rest of the day to ourselves. We walked almost the entire length of Nevsky Prospekt. We visited the Church of the Spilled Blood, which is beautiful and done in the old style with the onion domes, etc. There was an open air market so we purchased some souvenirs.

I know this is not the news that any of you are looking for, but we will visit the Committee tomorrow and receive our referral, so I won't really have much information until that time. We are meeting the driver and translator in the morning at 9:30 to head to the Comm. at 10. We will then arrive at the Baby Home and meet our referral, have time with the doctor for the medical history, etc. Tomorrow is the post you will all be waiting for! :)

Paka!

And they're off!

2008-05-02T20:22:00.002-05:00

Sorry, I couldn't resist the title, I'm a huge KY Derby fan! :)

No long post tonight, I have to cuddle with my boys and soak up every moment of time with them. It's so hard to leave them for a week.

Next post: Russia! :)

Good night, blog stalkers!

How do you "KNOW"?

2008-05-01T16:28:00.003-05:00

Someone asked me today if we "connected" with our referral. First of all, she's a beautiful little girl in my opinion, but there is so much more to a person than how they look. How can you "connect" when you have nothing but looks to go on? I want to caution you, if you are a first time adopter, that the "love at first site" stories are sweet and touching, but a bit misleading. It can be difficult to connect with a child in a strange environment, where no one speaks your language, where the child is tentative and suspicious of you, where everyone is staring at you to see if you'll "connect", and where the child may not feel well or may have blue dots all over his face from bug bite medicine (ours did.) Just because you don't have that feeling that this is the moment you've lived your life for, doesn't mean that this is not your child. I mean, it's no different from couples who have the love at first site experience. I know there are people who look at a person and know that is the one, but then there are marriages that are just as happy and just as wonderful where it took the couple years to know they were meant to be together. It doesn't make their love any less valid and less "meant to be." So let me just caution anyone out there who thinks they will get a photo of a child and get this floaty feeling and they will KNOW that's the one. It might happen, if the child happens to have a particularly good hair day and they didn't wake her up from a nap to take the photo, but then again, she might just not be that photogenic and you might pass up an absolutely perfect child because you didn't connect with the photo. (Seriously folks, search the blogs and take a look at some of these referral photos, we're not exactly talking Glamour Shots here!:) It's alot of pressure to put on one instantaneous moment in time. It's very much why, in the end, I just couldn't request information on the little girl I fell in love with on the database. I knew that by the standards of the world (beauty alone) I could parent her. But I also knew that I didn't see her future, her personality, or her purpose, but God did and ultimately, I couldn't defer His plan to that of the world.

I believe very strongly that you have to meet a child before you know if there is a connection. Now all that to say, I have a photo (only one) of our referral and she is everywhere. I am already in love with the idea of her. I love her little face, her little hands, her little nose. I already bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I'm in love with her beauty. But I know nothing of her personality, her development, her mind, her mental state, etc. I have very high hopes that we will connect and it will be the moment I've waited my entire life for. But if our love takes a little time to grow, that's okay too, because I've been down that road before and I know it leads somewhere beautiful too.

During our adoptions, God has always been gracious enough to give me little "red threads" (as the Chinese call them.) These are little signs that God uses to reassure us that we are on the right path. With our oldest son, it was his name. Without going into the whole story, we were very perplexed about what to do at referral time before we met our son. We were given a choice of two children, and this little 'red thread' lead us to our son. Our driver in Moscow was actually totally instrumental in getting us the referral too, so no one ever underestimate the importance of your driver. Ours was clearly our angel and very skilled in the nuances of adoption!

With our middle son, his name was also the name of one of our grandfathers. There were a dozen little 'red threads' that confirmed that he was our son. We felt very comforted by these things.

This time around, we have already seen a little glimpse of a 'red thread' in our daughter's referral. I won't say too much about it because you know the whole Thomas thing, but it's as close as I can come to believing that she is THE ONE.

Don't you find it sometimes amazing how a seemingly meaningless conversation can get you pondering something very deep for a long time? Since this conversation this morning, I have thought alot about this process and what leads certain parents to their children. And I just got to thinking about this myth that seems to perpetuate out there that when you see a photo you will just know. You might, but if you don't "connect" on the spot, don't let it fool you. Beauty is the only thing that could connect you in a photo, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't believe me? I guarantee you there is no mother in the world with an ugly child! As my neighbor once told me, "Do you think we would love him so much if he wasn't so cute?" Her husband replied, "For all we know, he's not!" :) Perfectly said!

Let me just say that I don't think the person who asked me this question meant in any way "Is she pretty?" I don't think she is someone who is using beauty as her guide in accepting a referral. I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand, it's just where my mind went with the conversation and how many of these same discussions I've had over the years.

2 Corinthians 4:7-10
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the suprassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

Boys night... almost extinct!

2008-04-30T19:19:00.002-05:00

As I sit here posting, my boys (all four of them) are in the midst of "man night." This is something my boys count the days to. They wake up on Man Night days and say, "TONIGHT IS MAN NIGHT!" It's funny how excited they get over junk food and adventure movies. Right now in the background, I am hearing 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea and lots of boy commentary. These nights are soon to be a thing of the past. Not for the boys, but for me. Soon, I will have someone to take upstairs and paint fingernails with while my boys are on the couch eating junk food. The funny thing about guys night is there are only four rules (my husband made them up), 1. No forks, 2. No vegetables, 3. No napkins, (think tacos and hot wings) 4. No whining! :) It's a total guy haven around here tonight. I can't wait to have someone to take out shopping on guys nights!

I can't believe that in five short days, we will be meeting our daughter! I am going to try my very best to keep you all updated via the blog during our trip. I hope I will be able to utilize the business center at our hotel to get access to the internet.

Okay, I'm off to do some more prep work while the cutest boys in the world are otherwise occupied in man land! :)

A three post kind of day...

2008-04-28T22:14:00.002-05:00

Wow, am I ever productive today! This is my third post AND my house is clean. Well, my upstairs is clean, my downstairs is simply straight. AND I'm almost done with all the laundry. Don't ask me why I did the laundry so early in the week, clearly I got overly excited about my production level or something. Anyway, I'll just have to do more laundry before my mom comes (you know, I don't want her doing laundry, I want her giving every ounce of her attention to my kiddos.) But I digress. What I am REALLY excited about is that we are PACKED! YES, that's right, we are actually packed. I hadn't planned on doing that today, it just sort of happened. As I was folding clothes, I'd just put things I knew I wanted to take into the suitcase and before you know it, there it was. Six days worth of clothes and other necessities (all the packing list stuff had gone in days ago.)

Anyway, since I'm desperately in need of something else to stress over (hahaha), I'm now wondering if women in St. Pete wear capri pants. Not that it matters, I could hold up an American flag and it wouldn't make me look like any more of a tourist. But I've packed two pair of capris (the weather is supposed to be warm for a good part of next week) and I wonder if this is appropriate?

I can NOT believe I am posting about packing to go and meet my daughter. I really cannot believe it. I thought this post would never come. I have watched so many families make these posts, prepare for trips, report on referrals, etc. It all seemed like some distant land that I was visiting by slow boat. But it's finally here. Brian warned me tonight that my optimism was flying a little too high. He reminded me of how many things can still go wrong (see, I live with Thomas AND he lives with me! :) But I am deciding to believe that this is in God's plan, that He has pre-destined this, and that we will not be left without hope.

1 Corinthians 3:23
"For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ."

Gentlemen, start your engines!

2008-04-28T10:00:00.002-05:00

Visas are in hand. Thank you FedEx, Russian Consulate, act of Congress, Wachovia bank teller Julie, and God... we can now enter Russia. Next up on the agenda, hotel confirmation!

Little angel, here we come! :)

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Ready... I think!

2008-04-28T09:06:00.002-05:00

Someone posted on our adoption list a while back that they were an organized procrastinator. I can totally identify with that. I have made lists, written something "to do" on my calendar for every day this week, spent countless hours going through these motions in my head, but I haven't actually DONE anything to get ready for our trip. So, for all the planning and working it out, this week will be crazy because now I have to actually DO all the things I've been thinking of all this time.

I'm starting with cleaning my house. I am not sure why I'm starting here because there's no way we'll keep it that way til my mom gets here. But I can't pack and prepare in an unorganized house, so today is laundry and cleaning day. :)

And we still don't have our visas, however, I did get a tracking number today from the consulate and the FedEx site says they are on the truck and ready to be delivered to us today. So, hopefully I'll be checking that one off the list.

The hotel has still not been able to confirm our reservation because the credit card company has denied the charge four times. Even though I have removed the security hold on my account! So, I spoke with a "supervisor" today and assured her that there is no fraud involved, to please allow the hotel to put the charge through. Hopefully she will take care of this and we will have a bed when we get to Russia. If not, I may panic.

The tickets arrived on Friday, so that's done and in hand. All that's left to do is my list.

Today is the day that two other families are supposed to be registered in St. Pete. I am so hoping that they will be registered as planned and that they can start being excited and looking forward to referrals. I know too well that anticipation of "the day" you have been waiting for. I'll be checking in with them shortly to see if there is any news.

Right now I'm waiting for a call from C at CSS to tell me how much money I need to carry with me for the Russian medicals. That is something we are really hoping to avoid having to do since we just had our medicals updated. We are taking them with us to St. Pete in hopes that they will be acceptable to the judge, but C doesn't seem too hopeful about this. I'm saying a prayer that this will go smoother than C expects it to.

Okay, I'm off to play Cinderella (scrubbing, washing, etc.) and hope that the clock does not strike 12 before I'm done. :)

1 Corinthians 2:9
"Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him."

The unbridled Thomas

2008-04-23T20:58:00.004-05:00

Well, Thomas is a persistent fellow. He doesn't let up, no matter how good things seem to be. Now that the visas seem to be in order (I spoke to the Consulate today and they should arrive on April 25; I could go on a tangent here about how worried I am that the passports are not in the envelope or that FedEx would lose them, but what's the point?), the tickets are booked, my mom has the vacation days to come stay with the kids, my sister-in-law has the ability to come help my mom, the hotel is arranged, and we are registered, it seems Thomas needed something else to dig at me about. So, here we are.

Brian and I have never traveled with an advance referral before. We've always traveled "blind", meaning we receive NO information prior to arriving at the Ministry of Education. Contrary to popular belief, we did not PICK OUT our children. (The very idea!) Our boys were both assigned to us by the MOE. So, now Thomas is digging at me about the referral. I told myself that an advance referral would make things so much easier, we could have a comfort level from having spoken with Dr. Heil prior to travel and wouldn't feel the need to use a Russian doctor. But now what I am finding is an attachment to the little girl in this photo. I have bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I have her referral photo framed in my kitchen, she's on Brian's dresser, she's on the refrigerator with a magnet. She's everywhere. And we're bonding to the idea of her. I am starting to think of her as Mary Margaret. So, now the fear kicks in. What if we get there and she's not the one? What if there is some terrible mix up or if her mother returns for her, or any number of things that can and DO happen to great folks every day in this process? What then? How do you pick up and move forward? I don't know what makes me such a doubting Thomas. I don't know why I can't just trust that God is doing something good and there won't be any snares or bumps. I think this line of thinking started for me when I got the call that my sister had been killed in a car accident. I think once you get that call, you're never the same again. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Once you've lived through that kind of family shattering event, your naivete is gone, you're Pollyanna goggles are off, you know the pain of answering the phone at 10 PM. So, I think that started this thought process for me. I think infertility cemented it into my bones. I've talked to other people who have gotten that phone call and it's something they experience to. Once your eyes are open to that kind of pain, you're going to be gun-shy for the rest of your life, I suppose.

The thing is, I am overly and abundantly blessed. God has held me and blessed me through every event and tragedy in my life. Some of the times I have been closest to God are some of the worst times of my life. My footprints really do look like that poem about the footprints in the sand. There's no question for me that I have so much to be thankful for. I am not one of these people for whom things never work out. I seem to have fortune in every circumstance. Certainly I have a life already that I don't deserve and could never earn. So why the pessimistic expectations? I don't know. I think I have a fear of letting myself believe that the greatest dream of my married life is about to come true. It just seems to good to be true, honestly.

When Brian and I were trying to conceive, I remember praying on my back porch one day and clearly feeling God telling me that I would have a home full of children and to put away my fear. I believed it in that moment, and look what He has accomplished in a short eight years of my life. Nine years ago today, I was in the pit of hell, and today my life is full and wonderful. I am loved by three incredible boys and a host of family and friends like no other. I have a husband who is my friend and a marriage that is not difficult. What more could I want? A daughter! Bringing Mary Margaret home will fulfill my life's dream of parenting both sons and daughters. This is a longing that so many people just can't understand. I have friends who have multiple boys and no desire for a daughter. But that's not who God made me. He planted this desire in me from the beginning. He nurtured it, even when I prayed for Him to take it away from me. And now I BELIEVE that He can and WILL bring this to fruition. But the Thomas in me needs to see the ink on the decree, the plane landing in Nashville, and the boys adjusting and loving their little sister.

Romans 4:3
"For what does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness."

Romans 4:18, 20-21
"In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations, according to that which had been spoken, "So shall your descendants be. ...yet with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God. And being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

Flip Flops

2008-04-22T10:32:00.004-05:00

Okay, I have a confession to make. I have an obsession with flip-flops! I LOVE flip-flops. I am euphoric when the weather warms up and I can buy new flip-flops. I think it spurs from this on-going obsession with being barefoot. Then I married a "city boy" and he has the opinion that you are not very cultured if you run around barefoot. So I have evolved into a compromise of sorts.... I wear flip-flops, which so far, is the closest thing I have found for being barefoot. So anyway, what does this have to do with adoption? Well, it's one of the things I can't wait to pass on to my daughter. I can't wait to see her in cute little bejeweled flip-flops with big silk flowers on the toe. I can't wait to wrap thong straps in ribbon and tie a big bow on the front. I mean, seriously, what could be more fun than bows on your toes? :) So, as I sit here waiting for the Russian Consulate to get my updated and SIGNED money order, I am just dreaming of all the adorable flip-flops my daughter and I are going to adorn ourselves with when she gets home. And I wish I knew her shoe size because I found these to-die-for flops at http://www.morgankatebowtique.com/ and I LOVE these personalized ones... now those are CUTE!

AAACCCKKK! I hate paperwork!

2008-04-21T15:26:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I knew something would go wrong. See, Thomas was right! :( I forgot to sign the money order to the Russian consulate, so I will be seeing my favorite friend again today... otherwise known as the FedEx man. I'm getting really sick of him since it seems to be that I am never on the receiving end of the FedEx circle. So, I'm off AGAIN to get another money order (how does that work when you get a second money order, doesn't that charge you double????) and try to get it right this time and hope they put it with the right documents at the consulate.... GRRRRR. (I hope you heard pit bull growling there, not Chihuahua.)

You know you're a pre-adoptive parent when....

2008-04-19T09:31:00.001-05:00

1. You carry your cell phone with you everywhere you go and will it to ring by STARING at it every five minutes
2. You stalk your e-mail and every other PAP (pre-adoptive parent) blog to see if ANYONE is getting "the call"
3. You start to talk about friends from your "virtual community" in everyday conversation.
4. You start to invent jokes about being a PAP to pass the never-ending hours of the day.
5. You stalk your own blog to see who has looked at your site in the last 24 hours.

Okay, I am guilty of all of the above... except the joke one, that was a nod to my friend in Florida. But I WOULD make up a joke if I could find my sense of humor.

There are so many things about adoption that are difficult and stressful. But one of the many, many positives I have experienced is the community you become so attached to during this process. There are tons of "groups" on the internet devoted to the topic of adoption. At present, I belong to about four groups. One is just a Russian adoption group, which is very general and populated by tons of people so I don't really follow that group too closely, I just check in about once a week to see if any important "thread" (topic) is being discussed. Then there is a St. Petersburg Adoption group. This group is a little more focused for my purposes, but still the folks on there are not particularly "involved" in one another's process. The list I really LOVE is the one that is specific to my agency. These folks are a true community. We all know one another, we know who is asking for girls, who wants a boy, who has been waiting a long time, who is between trips, who have had heartbreaking experiences and who are on cloud nine at home with their new little angels. These are the folks who are starting to blend from my virtual life to my real life. These are the folks I talk about and quote in conversation to others.

One of my friends on the list is doing an informative string of posts on her blog to inform folks about the adoption process and terminology. I love reading it because I am sure it's helping alot of people who check in with questions on whether or not they are going to adopt. I don't have the energy to be that organized with my rambling and ranting, but I can tell you the life-changing positives that have come from adoption for me.

I honestly think these are the things that cause some folks to become addicted to the adoption process. There is no other time in my life when I have felt so dependent on God and so connected to a specific community of people.

Alot of people have asked me why Brian and I are adopting again instead of having another baby. The obvious reason is that I want to be 100% certain that my fourth child is a girl. But beyond that, the adoption experience for me, brings me into a community experience that you just don't have when you are pregnant. Pregnancy is such a personal experience. You are feeling the baby move, you are carrying the weight and responsibility of the pregnancy and child. For me, it was a very individual experience. And I'm more of a community kind of a girl. So for me, the adoption experience is actually more exciting at this point in my life than the thought of another pregnancy.

As I get older, I find that community is such a vital part of life for me. Brian and I are living in a house that we long ago "outgrew" because of the amazing community my family has here. God ministers to me through these amazing women, their husbands and children. My community of friends are my "wise counselors" and they KNOW me. Sometimes they are able to see stressers in my life that I don't even see and they counsel me to take a harder look. And they are usually RIGHT. So that is what I have with my on-line community now too. My friend, Michelle, who lives in Tampa, whom I have never met, also has three boys and is adopting. She gives me a reality check with her compassion for the process where I just want to grumble most of the time. Nicole and I are shopping for fabric "together" as we discuss themes for her daughters new room. One gal who lives close to us has actually met me for lunch one day after we had talked on the phone for MONTHS. We both switched from CHI to CSS at the same time, so we walked through that difficult decision together.

Anyway, this is way more information than you needed. Unless you are a PAP, you're actually probably not even reading at this point. But if by some chance you are reading this and trying to decide whether or not to join us on the adoption journey, I would just say, "Come on in. The water is rough at points, there are rapids to navigate, but you will have an amazing community of fellow PAPs to guide you and support you and you will NEVER regret it."

Romans 8:15
"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

Prayers Needed

2008-04-18T13:33:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone ,we heard some sad news today. A fellow adoptive parent lost their referral today. They had already been to visit this child on their first trip and of course, were happily at home waiting for the court date, feeling like the major battle was behind them. Apparently, the birth mother of this child returned to take custody of him. I am just sick for this family as they are totally devastated. This is their first child, which I think makes the blow that much harder. They are looking for God's presence in this, but it's certainly hard to understand. As we all know, the best situation is for a child to be in his family of origin, unless that family is not capable or willing to take care of the child's needs for food, clothing, shelter, and most importantly, LOVE! Please add this child to your prayers as well, that his mother will be able to provide for him long term and that he will have his needs met. And pray for healing and direction for this family as well. You can read their whole story here: http://www.torussiawithhopeandfaith.blogspot.com/

Psalm 3:1-4
"O Lord, how my adversaries have increased! Many are rising up against me. Many are saying of my soul, "There is no deliverance for him in God." But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, And He answered me from His holy mountain."

Progress!

2008-04-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have done battle with the Thomas (doubter) in me and I think I have finally shut him up for a while. On the other hand, maybe I have just been too busy to listen to him. Wow, I didn't realize that obtaining a visa could be so exhausting. First of all, Russian hotels and apartment coordinators do not work quickly in getting you reservations. It's not like you pick up the phone, give the dates and a credit card, and get a confirmation code. I've never done any of this before. Through our last two adoptions and four trips to Russia, I have been a "kept woman" so to speak, in that my agency always obtained the visa, booked the hotels, and once they even made flight arrangements for us. I didn't know how spoiled I was.

Anyway, so far I have narrowed down the accomodations to about two different places. Brian has confirmed our plane tickets. We have the voucher AND the invitation in hand. I am getting the money orders tomorrow and off they go to New York to the consulate for a three to five day processing. We should have the visas back in hand no later than next Friday, April 25, barring any unforeseen problem. See, I just know that something is going to be wrong with the visa application or they are going to need some additional paperwork and all this is just going to come to a screeching halt. Shut up, Thomas!!!!

Anyway, to calm my nerves, I have to admit I did a little on-line shopping today. I couldn't help myself, after looking at Michelle's blog last night (http://therobsons-afamilystory.blogspot.com/) I realized I didn't have nearly enough adorable girly stuff. It's only fair that Mary Margaret look her best when she meets Ariana for the first time! :) And everyone else in her life. And when she sees them for the 15,327th time, for that matter.

Isaiah 41:9-10
"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts and said to you, "You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Redeemed from the Pit!

2008-04-14T17:37:00.000-05:00

"He will be gracious to you when you cry out, as soon as he hears he will answer you. The Lord will give you the bread you need and the water for which you thirst." Isaiah 30:19-20

I had to start with that verse tonight because I have had a burden lifted. Today about 10:30 AM, our agency called to let us know that we are FINALLY registered in St. Petersburg (April 14th is my pink letter day) and we have an invitation to travel May 5-10. YEEE-HA!!! I know that God hears our cries, even when we are not triumphant in our battles. I know that He has been hearing me all along and that His timing was for now, not for sooner. But I do feel I finally have cause to celebrate tonight.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion, who satisfies your years with good things..." Psalm 103:1,4-5

Having said that, I think anyone who has ever been through the adoption process or infertility will tell you that hope is always tempered with caution. Excitement is always reined in by reality. There is always that guarded optimism until the thing is done. I am no different after two adoptions and a successful pregnancy and birth, I am still cautiously optimistic and guardedly hopeful. I can still never quite allow myself to fully celebrate until we land safely in Nashville, child in hand. So, somehow, this post was harder for me tonight than all the longing posts of the past. It feels like I am bringing on opposition if I celebrate the small milestones. It's weird, I can call and ask for prayers when I am suffering, but those celebretory calls were really hard for me to make today. I am always afraid it's some cruel misunderstanding and they will say, "Oh, oops, did we tell you to travel on the 5th. We meant to call the Smiths, sorry, go to the back of the line." :(

But, tonight, I am going to allow myself to soak in the fact that we are registered, and that in itself is a victory! I feel a tremendous weight off my shoulders knowing that St. Petersburg officially knows we exist. They know that we have been given an invitation to travel. They presumably know we are coming. And our daughter is there, she's real, and she's available. At least at the moment. (See, I can't be 100% cheerful, even now! :)

I am so happy to be planning a trip to Russia. Booking flights, reserving apartments, dreaming of holding our little one for the first time. I'm anxious to see St. Petersburg and I hear that May is the absolute best month of the year to visit. It's known as "White Nights" so I have to go start to do some research on the excitement and festivities.

And I will put my trust in the Lord that He has done this for us and we are not to be disappointed.

Thank you, friends, who have walked this road with us. Thank you for your prayers and your calls and all your concern. Please continue to pray for us as we have not exactly reached smooth sailing territory yet. But also, please do pray for the other families in the process who do not have their burdens lifted tonight. Most of all, pray for our children and those who have no hope of parents. They need it the most!

"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

Did you see that ticker number up there?

2008-04-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

A Pink Princess Bed and Amazing Friends

2008-04-11T14:12:00.001-05:00

Okay, I must first say that I have THE most amazing friends. No, truly, the most amazing! I am not just talking about a good group of women here. I am talking about a group of girls that are diverse, devoted, and AMAZING! I cannot believe how much God has blessed me with this group of girls to surround me. My friends are Godly, thoughtful, caring, and supportive. And this group of girls are walking this walk with me, in the midst of their crazy lives (traveling husband, working mom, infant mom, Mayor's wife, etc. etc.) and really caring about each and every moment. This is a group of women who care for me like a mother cares, but in the down in the trenches, I'm with you sister, kind of way. As I sit here trying to explain what these women are and mean in my life, I realize that words are so inadequate. They are too precious to convey in words. These are bone deep friendships that are safe and strong. We share every sorrow, joy, struggle, laugh and cry together. And these are the kind of friendships that if I only had ONE friend like this in my life I would be more fortunate than many women I know. But the fact that I have MULTIPLE friendships like this is just beyond belief for me. I really think that girlfriends, good ones, are an essential component to being a woman, but an indispensable part of being a Mom. I could not have gotten through some of my long days without these girls. Anyway, I'm gushing at this point and you've probably stopped reading. But I do have a point to the endless praise...

These crazy beautiful girls bought me THE most amazing baby gift yesterday... total spur of the moment "moment", but FABULOUS!!!! You have to see "the bed"... I mean, this is THE BED!!!! It's a toddler sized bed that fits my crib mattress. When we realized that our daughter will most likely still be in a crib and not a big bed, we were just planning to get our crib out of the attic and put it to the test of a fourth Harrison baby. :) But yesterday, my friends and I were at an art studio near our house called Silo Studios (I would like so you could see it, but I don't know how to do that yet) and the first thing I saw when we walked in was this to-die-for bed! I was debating whether to buy it and two of these girls got on the phone with the other girls and next thing I know, it's being loaded into my car. Then I spent the rest of the day blubbering about what great friends they are and how blessed I am to have them, etc. etc. I mean, to tell you how awesome they are, this is the FOURTH round of baby-gift buying that these girls have been through with me and they are STILL finding the energy to celebrate the moment. They are genuinely excited about this big event in our lives. I mean, at some point, you would think they would be sick of me adding babies and just say, "good luck to you!" :) Anyway... now that I have pulled myself together from the emotional wreck I was yesterday, I'm just sitting in her room salivating over this precious throne-like bed that's just perfect for the sister of three big brothers! :)

One last note, it's starting to seem more imminent that we could travel on the 20th and I decided I better get my butt in gear and DO something... so I've started piling up things I can't forget to take (the essentials as seen here are electric converter, knitting bag with all my knitting stuff, World Without End by Ken Follett, Tylenol PM, baby wipes, measuring tape to measure her legs, arms, head, etc. for sewing and for the doctors, notebook for writing stuff down, packing list.) I'm putting them on her dresser, so for the "scrapbook", here's a photo of the beginning prep for travel... sitting atop the sweet new dresser I did for her!

Jumping off the pity train... for now

2008-04-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I realize that my posts have been all gloom and doom for about a week and I am just over myself. Quite frankly, there's way too much stuff that I SHOULD be focusing on for me to be putting this much energy into watching the clock tick. SO... this is the kick in the butt I needed. I was reading Kim Abraham's blog tonight about the local social worker who died over the weekend. And then there's the story of little Audrey Caroline that most everyone in Nashville knows about. And my mother-in-law has been in the hospital all week. We thought she had had a minor heart attack (are there such things as MINOR heart attacks), but it turned out to be something else. Anyway, the scare was enough. Brian and I were just thinking of how much we cherish our parents and how lucky we are to have our parents and no one has any real health issues. It's just a reality check. So, while it is absolutely, completely, totally tragic that my daughter went to sleep tonight without her mommy and daddy to kiss her and tell her she is loved, we know the day is coming when she will be redeemed from that and her life will be cherished from that day forward. We know that day is already scheduled on God's calendar. It's there, written in ink, programmed into his Palm Pilot, or whatever He uses to keep up with all of our little worries and wants. The day is approaching, it's iminent, and it will happen. For today, I am going to focus on the bazillion blessings that are all around me (that quite frankly, God is probably a little perturbed that I have been ignoring) and not worry so much about the blessing that's on it's way. I have been around this block before, I know the adoption WILL happen. I know the stress and the worry of the wait, like the pains and aches of pregnancy and labor, all melt away when you are holding that little angel for the first time. So I will count this among my blessings because God has promised not to leave a work unfinished, and I know that He is working in this time, as much as He is in the receiving of the gift.

"Whenever a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has come into the world. Therefore, you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you." John 16:21-22

Borrowed words

2008-04-07T21:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight, a little message to my daughter... I was listening again to the song written for my friend's daughter, adopted from China, and some of the words have just stirred me into a new place. Not the frenzied worried wait of the day, but of the soft, deep, soulful longing to hold my daughter. In the song, the singer wonders where her daughter sleeps and who holds her when she cries. And that stills me. It stops me dead in my tracks, in fact, and reminds me that while this wait is so hard for me because of all the selfish reasons I want my daughter here, it's not about that. There's so much more to this sadness than the waiting on my end!

My sweet little one, are you safe? Are you hungry? Are you scared or lonely? If so, I hope the angels are sitting on your bedpost, whispering secrets of your mamma, waiting and longing for you across the ocean. I hope she is a beautiful angel, with long golden curls and wings tucked behind her glowing white gown. I hope she is singing to you in the sweetest angel voice, stories of three brothers who are waiting just to "kiss your face off." And I hope she is telling you of your daddy, waiting to be swept away by your charms. But most of all, I hope she is telling you that you have a Mommy who loves you very much, and who has shed tears of longing for you for a long time. A mommy who would like nothing more than to hold you as you sleep and take away all your worries. And I hope she is telling you that soon you will not have to cry in vain, or be lonely, or wait for your next meal. Soon you will have two strong arms to run to anytime you have a boo-boo, or just need a hug. You will have six playful arms ready to engage you in any manner of fun. You will have soft hands to hold and a song to drift you off to sleep each night. I hope she is telling you about the rocking chair that awaits you with books and blankets. And the soft pink room painstakingly decorated just especially for you. I hope that she is telling you that there are so many families out there that are longing for you, but you very specifically have been chosen for us and God is very actively bringing us together RIGHT NOW. It's taking a little longer than Mommy had hoped, but we're coming, baby! It's almost time for you to rise and begin your day, just as your brothers, Daddy and I are ending ours. But you are in each of our prayers. Even our little Connor prays for you by name each night now. I hope you are feeling the warmth and love that is being sent to you from the other side of the earth. And I hope someone is loving on you, wiping your tears, mending your hurts, and giving you one last pat before you drift off to sleep each night. I hope beyond reason that someone is loving you until we can be there to do it forever. We love you little one! Spakona Noche!

Weekends

2008-04-06T21:03:00.000-05:00

I LOVE weekends. Friday is my favorite day of the week and I always think it's because the weekend is stretched out before us with so much promise, so much possibility. Saturday mornings are great, coffee and a leisurely read of the paper. Then there are always a million things on the list of "to-do's" for the day. Sunday is great, long mornings with a big fat paper, but a little sad, because most of the weekend is behind us at that point. But I have found that throughout the adoption process, I have started to have mixed emotions about weekends. The great thing about weekends now is that it means another week of waiting is behind us and we are entering into another block of time that is incrementally closer to registration and hopefully travel. But weekends are torture in that I know nothing is happening in our case over the weekend, so it's two long days when I don't imagine and hope that someone is doing SOMETHING to bring us closer to our little angel.

This, once again, proves that absolutely everything about life as we know it is affected by "The Wait." Every plan is made with travel in the back of my mind. Every dollar is spent knowing that we will need the extra cash for our adoption. Every day is greeted with hope and ended without any definite plans. Every victory is tempered with guarded optimism. Every weekend passes as a celebration of another week checked off the timeline, but another two days that I know no progress was made toward getting us to Russia.

How will this child of ours ever know the longing with which we waited for her? How will she ever understand the hours of hard labor that went into bringing her into "this" world? I've been through labor, it's a breeze compared to "The Wait." Will she ever understand that there has never, in the history of the world, been an unwanted adopted child? Will she understand the anticipation with which I have expected and hoped and prayed for her every day of her life? Even before she was born, when Connor was an infant, I would kneel in church and ask God to watch over our daughter's mother and help her face the things that were to come for her. When we decided to adopt again for sure, I started to pray that God would just hold our daughter and comfort her and provide for her until we were there to be His hands and voice. I know that He is holding her still. And that she is expecting us, maybe not aware, but in her heart she is longing for us as we are longing for her. My friend and neighbor just had the best quote the other day. She was talking about how the longing for a daughter goes "beyond pink." That is so true. Yes, the pink and frilly things are cute and amazing and all of that. But the longing to share that relationship that only a daughter can bring goes so far beyond the "stuff" and so much more about love and parenting. I can't wait to experience all of this parenting stuff through a new lens, the lens of a mother/daughter relationship. I can't wait to watch my husband fall head over heels for a new love. I can't wait to see him experience the unexpected rapture of his daughter.

So, the weekends are a mixed bag, a blessing and a curse. The Wait goes on for now. We are cautiously optimistic that our travel dates will be in April. We are tentatively planning everything and living our life on hurry up and wait scheduling. And until "the call" comes, we'll keep passing the weekends with joy and frustration.

Genesis 49:18 "For Your salvation I wait, O Lord."

The Endless Waiting

2008-04-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

I spoke with our agency representative yesterday. She assures us we will be registered on April 14, but then again, as she pointed out, they have assured us before and to no avail. However, now that we know of a specific child, we are more anxious than ever. This adds to the weight of the wait because at any time, we could be back to square one, which would feel like a major setback at this point. We've already started to bond to this child (well, at least I have as I have stared a hole through the photo.) I am sewing clothing again with her in mind specifically. Everything I had made was sized two, so I am back at the machine sewing twelve to eighteen months now. And on top of it all, I am not sure if being "aware" of this child is actually the same as having a "referral" for her, so it's all the more heart twisting to be sitting here twiddling our thumbs.

On the practical side of things, we are being told to prepare for being in St. Pete on April 20. But not to make any arrangements yet because we won't know for sure until April 14th that we are being invited to come that specific week. UGH!!! I want to apply for visas and book travel. THAT would be exciting! But instead, I am sitting here planning to have nothing going on for me or the boys the week of the 20th. Do we reschedule first communion based on a "maybe"? We can't apply for visas until our apartment reservations are done. But that means that we will have NO time to spare if we find out on the 14th that we are leaving on the 19th, we will have to FedEx the visa apps to NY, pay for one business day turnaround (at over 2x the price). That means they will turn it around by Thursday in hopes that FedEx is on time and gets it to us on Friday! Whew... talk about a roller coaster. I just want to DO something. I have all this advance notice but can't actually plan anything... if you know me, you know this is the equivalent of torture to me.

But, I know I have to put this in God's capable and sovereign hands. I know that if this little girl is THE child He chose for us before the beginning of time, FedEx can't keep us apart. And I know that if she is not, it will be another step in grief that we will have to rely on the ultimate Healer to cure. Either way, I know God is sovereign and I know that He cares very specifically for our family and our daughter. Even though I can't comfort her, He can. I can't hold her, but His angels can. And I just have to trust that He is.

If you have a box of tissues handy, you have to go to this site: www.myspace.com/igrace and listen to the song titled "Sweet Amelia". This is a song written about my friend, Wendy Twit's daughter. Basically, her husband gave Wendy's journal to a songwriter and she put the words of expectancy and anticipation to music. I wish I could link it to play on the blog, but I haven't gotten that technical yet! :)

"Many plans are in a man's heart, but the cousel of the Lord will stand." Proverbs 19:21

Naming

2008-03-31T08:04:00.000-05:00

People keep asking me about the name Mary Margaret, so I thought I would write it down. The reason the blog is named Mary Margaret Maybe is because I wanted to use the name, but my husband did not like it. So, I just kept referring to her as Mary Margaret (rather than "her" or "our daughter", etc.) Lots of people do this when they are pregnant, my brother-in-law names all his unborn kids outlandish names that he calls the baby the entire pregnancy, but that is never the "real" name. So anyway, that's sort of the idea.

I got Mary from my precious 99 year old grandmother who kept me every day after school until I was old enough to drive. She is a saint. She is responsible for my belief in God to this day, I truly believe it because she talked to me about Jesus all the time. For her, being a believer was like going to school or work, it's just something you had to do and you didn't really have too much to think about, she couldn't imagine another way of life. So she instilled that in most of the people around her. My oldest son is named after her husband (my grandfather, obviously.) In addition, my dad's grandmother was named Mary (and she adopted my grandmother, so she certainly is someone who would have understood our heart) and my husband's great-grandmother's name was Mary, so that seems very fitting.

Margaret comes from my dad's mom. She was an amazing woman too. One of the strongest women I've ever known. She was also a very strong believer. I am so proud to be her granddaughter. She passed away last year, but her legacy carries on for sure. For one thing, I look ALOT like her mother. It's weird, I have this old photo of her mother from probably 100 years ago and it's eerie looking to me because it resembles me so much. I have that photo in Mary Margaret's room. Anyway, since she just passed away, I had gotten alot of her things from my dad. And very much by accident, he brought me this pink quilt with butterflies on it. He wasn't actually bringing me the quilt, he was bringing a mirror and used the quilt to wrap it. But that became the anchor piece in her room. After that, my aunt sent me a box of Grandmother's things that included the aprons that are now hanging on the wall. My dad then brought me a quilt box and a little rocker that were her's and the quilt box contained the coverlet that is now Mary Margaret's curtain. I absolutely LOVE walking in her room and being surrounded by all my grandmother's things. My grandparents worked in a factory and farmed all their lives. I can remember spending time with them in the summers after they retired. I would stand on the fence and watch their baby pigs for hours on end. It was my delight when there would be an occassional runt to bring inside and nurse back to health before it could be returned to it's mother. There was no "Charlotte's Web" scenario that I can remember with Grandmother's runts. :) My middle son is named after her husband.

I am so proud and thankful to call these two women my grandmothers. And I feel like my daughter would have a good start to be named after two beautiful, strong, God-fearing, salt-of-the-earth women. So at first, Brian would just smirk when I would say Mary Margaret. But slowly, it caught on and everyone started calling her Mary Margaret. My kids pray for Mary Margaret. My friends call her Mary Margaret. We refer to her room as "Mary Margaret's room." So at this point, her name will most likely be Mary Margaret. However, the one glitch is that both our adopted sons were already named Russian names that equated to the American versions of our grandparents names. That was certainly a nice little pearl. But what are the odds that our Russian daughter will be named Mary or Margaret already? We will just have to wait and see. I can certainly foresee having to revise the name somehow to reflect her Russian heritage, so we are staying open, but for now, that's what we're calling her.

THIS is why I NEEEEED a daughter!

2008-03-29T21:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, I wish I had a photo of my husband today, with a miniature jack-hammer, breaking up our tile floor in the boys bathroom. Yes, he rented a small jackhammer to break up the tile and lids were falling off my pots and pans from my hanging rack downstairs. It's was funny. The boys thought it was great. Brian thought it was the best. Actually, the better photo would have been ME in the goggles with the jack-hammer. Brian thought it was so fun he just insisted that I try it. He kept saying, "It's fun, try it!" So I did. I hammered about two or three seconds, gave him back the ear-plugs and goggles and told him that you must need more body parts to "get it", because I didn't! And that, dear readers, is the very reason I NEED a daughter. I just don't get all the things my boys think are so much fun.

I realize the postings are getting a bit obsessive now. It's pretty sad the addiction I have developed to this "hobby". I told B that I wish I had more things to blog about. Maybe I should start a blog about blogging! :)

"Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me. Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in heart of all who love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger." The Breastplate of St. Patrick

Is the Earth still spinning????

2008-03-28T20:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I will have to say that my head poked up out of the mole hole today and I realized that there is actually other stuff going on in life outside of my adoption and blog-world! Wow, who knew? I thought for sure everything had stopped and I was living in some sort of blog Matrix-land! :)

Man, am I in nesting mode. I hung curtains, hung a bamboo shade in my bathroom, frosted the glass on my shower, oiled the hardwoods (by hand), VACCUUMED (man, wonder when the last time I did that? I don't actually own a vaccuum so I used the shop vac! :) I even did the steps, by gosh! Don't say I'm not domestic! On top of that, I went to Target and a fabric sale. They had lots of lovely polyester, but that's another story and I refuse to digress to that level.

I am very excited, several of the blog friends I follow are getting court dates, making first and second trips, bringing home little angels... it's a victory when others you've followed are progressing, even when you're on the sidelines. And it's always good when others are moving because that means we're one referral closer! But we did get some news today that there are starting to be "rumors" or stirrings about referrals. That's as close as we've been so far. Nothing concrete, but just hearing that girls are going to be clearing the database soon, or something like that. That feels much closer, even if in reality we are no closer than ever. Honestly, even if they say absolutely NOTHING, I just love to find e-mail from our agency in the inbox. So, that's my high for the day. Pretty sad, huh? But at least my house is clean. The absolute quote of the day was from my friend Michelle. It's in referrence to the age child we are looking for, compared to the age child her family is waiting for. I don't know why I laughed out loud at this, you'd probably have to be in the midst of insane adoption land to get it, but I'll leave you with it anyway, "I have crib bedding!"

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

2008-03-26T12:16:00.000-05:00

What do you want first?

Okay, the bad... we did NOT get registered in St. Pete Monday. (Hushed silence falls over the crowd!) The REALLY bad part is that this time there is actually THREE weeks until the next time we can be registered because March 31 falls on a Monday, that means the second Monday in April is actually the third week of April. DEEP EXHALE!!!!! Notice the ticker at the top says 19 days to go... not 12 or 11 like it should be!

The Good? The other family whose documents were sent with ours DID get registered AND they received a referral the next day. YEAH!!!! That really is good news because hopefully it will work the same way for us.

I talked to our agency rep and she feels certain that we will be registered next time around. See, I'm already obsessing less. And she thinks they have an idea of other children that will be coming off the database, so unless a Russian family adopts those kids in the meantime, we should get a referral quickly enough. Nothing is a guarantee in this world, we just have to trust God's timing in this and I do trust that the other family was registered because their child was off the database and ready to come home. I trust that we did not get registered because God has already planned the daughter(s) we will adopt and she/they aren't ready for us yet. I know His plans are sovereign. I know that He will prevail. I know there are so many folks praying for us. I feel "Held", like the Natalie Grant song says. And I know that it will happen in His perfect timing. My best friend told me yesterday that she felt like I was actually back on planet earth, that even my voice was different. And I truly do feel that I have taken another step in submitting this to God. But folks, please pray with me becasue I feel that this submissive slope I am standing on is very slippery and I could start to loose my grip at any moment (just like when I looked at the calendar and saw three more weeks to go, I almost "went there".) Maybe this is the level God was waiting for to bring us a victory. But if not, I will cling to the example in Habakkuk (I think I've quoted this before.)

Habakkuk 1:5 "Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days - You would not believe if you were told." AND Habakkuk 2:1-3 "I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart; And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me, and how I may reply when I am reproved. Then the Lord answered me and said, "...the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will NOT fail. Though it tarries, WAIT FOR IT; For it will certainly come, it will NOT DELAY." (emphasis mine)

The Still Quiet of Morning

2008-03-25T07:14:00.000-05:00

Our house is quiet this morning. It's a stark contrast between now and five minutes from now when I will wake the boys up and a rush to rival the NY Subway will ensue. I just went up to give the boys their initial nudge before the "real" wake-up occurs. They look like little angels when they sleep and I still love to watch them, even at 8, 6, and 3, in that state of peaceful bliss. I can only imagine the thrill of little curls on a pillow when our daughter is asleep in her sea of pink.

Yesterday was sheer torture, probably the slowest day of the whole process for me. But we made it through and today is a new day. Today we will find out if we are registered or if we start the two-week cycle again. But last night as I finally gave up at 8:30 and decided to put the long day to rest, I realized that it doesn't really matter if we made the registration this time. Yes, I will be disappointed (I'm not made of steel), but I know it WILL happen eventually and I do know that God is in control. I woke up super-early this morning because I couldn't sleep (as usual) and started reading my Bible and a devotional that I am trying to work my way through and all the verses just kept speaking to me. And the main thing they kept saying is that in everything we do, EVERYTHING, the sole purpose is to glorify God. Funny that it didn't say one thing about making me happy! :) So, I just had to remind myself that there is a very good chance that none of this is actually ABOUT me... it's about bringing glory to the Father. And that is something I haven't done very well over the past few weeks. I have been scratching and clawing for this adoption and my posts have even moved away from what I feel Him speaking to me to being more focussed on myself and what's going on every day. This is not the direction I want to head. I have said before that the most amazing part of the adoption process for me, and the reason it's so "addictive" is that I am so totally reliant on the Father in a way I have not been able to duplicate outside of adoption. I feel a closer connection to Him during this process. Just after an adoption, I wake up every morning with a purpose, and that is to acclimate this new little miracle into our family. There's a greater purpose than just me at play. And I have tended to lose sight of that over the past few weeks. Instead of pouring my disappointment on Christ, I have wallowed in it. I am still very hopeful that today will be THE DAY that we get the good news. But if it's not, I have my marching orders for the next two weeks... rely on Him. "God's voice is Peace... the Enemy's voice is fear and chaos." When I read that this morning I shuddered because I realize very clearly whose voice I've been hearing recently... fear and chaos pretty well describe the last two weeks of my life. I am speaking it out of being today! I am NOT going to allow the prince of darkness to steal my hope.

It's a two verse day:

"In him, we were also chosen, destined in accord with the purpose of the One who accomplishes all things according to the intention of his will, so that we might exist for the praise of his glory..." Ephesians 1:11-12

"that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self." Ephesians 3:16

An Attempt at Humor

2008-03-24T10:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, here are the TOP TEN things to do with yourself on the day of registration when it is your fifth deadline and your agency is closed so you don't know if it happened or not:

1. Overdose on potato chips

2. Clean your house like the queen is coming (my husband might request a slowdown so the house could stay clean all the time! :)

3. Stalk your inbox

4. Stalk other bloggers

5. Be completely irrational when people try to talk to you (this includes your kids)

6. Pray!

7. Eat 8 day old pizza for lunch. Hey, maybe food poisoning will take my mind off the calendar!

8. Obsess!

9. Pray some more!

10. Count the hours until 5:00 (happy hour.) At least I know that one is going to roll around today! :)

Truly, this is almost bordering on cruelty. Right now our dossier is either registered in St. Pete, or NOT (again) but there's no way to find out. I asked my husband if he had a feeling one way or the other and he said he's 50/50. The spiritual vitamin I picked up at the Y today was the 23rd Psalm, so that's probably not a very good omen, huh? The only positive thing I can say is that the first song on my shuffle list today was a song by Israel Houghton "Not Forgotten". That was pretty hopeful. The song says "I am not forgotten, God knows my name." I am reminded that God truly does know my name. And not only that, he knows my daughter's name and He has a plan. So this is what I am reduced to... trying to find messages in random Bible verses, songs, and polling people! :)

Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me. His rod and his staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall dwell in me forever and ever!

Psalm 23

Easter

2008-03-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well, we're off for the Easter weekend to visit my in-laws. When I return home, it will already be March 24 in Russia. So the day we have been waiting for is ALMOST here..... again! Check back Monday for more progress... or if you hear shouts of joy coming from far away, it's probably me screaming Hallelujah at the top of my lungs!: )

I will leave you with this amazing verse... let the message of this verse sink in a bit and I hope you will be as amazed as I am at our Lord's capacity! Happy Easter!

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty Savior; He will rejoice over you with gladness, and renew you in His love, He will sing joyfully because of you."

The Room

2008-03-19T20:00:00.001-05:00

I just had to post some photo of M's room. And a few of the outfits that await her arrival. I can't help it, I've been waiting eight years to buy something pink... this is called "waiting for adoption" therapy! :)

Shhhhhhh... do you hear that?

2008-03-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

Wow, I do! Quiet! I should call Katrina today because there is NO noise at my house! :) Katrina (at CSS) says she always knows its me on the phone before I say a word because of the noise in the background. What, Katrina, you don't recognize that sound? It's the loud din of happy, growing boys... fighting! Anyway, the reason you wouldn't hear it today is that my kiddos have all gone off to Maggie's (grandma) house and Brian and I have THREE DAYS sans kiddos. So, what am I doing with my time? Well, this morning I am reading a bunch of blogs because my husband had the NERVE to call me at 7:15 and tell me he forgot to put the trash out before he left.... ARGH! And I wanted to see if anyone is getting any happy news on their adoption. It turns out that some folks are traveling, some are getting referrals, and some are in Russia right now bringing their babies home. YAY! But some are waiting for the world's slowest government agency (CIS) to do their JOB, and some are like me... waiting and waiting with no particular issue, just waiting. But, ahhhh, the sound of silence. :)

So, it's pouring down rain here and I have two wet dogs in my garage. I hope it stops because later today when I finish painting M & M's dresser the dogs are getting kicked out one way or the other. But that's AFTER Brian and I get a couple's massage. I've never done that before, but I am so excited... I can feel the stress melting away already. I mean, I've had a massage, but not a "couples massage" so it should be fun. Then we are going to breakfast, then I am going to attempt to finish M's room. I can't wait to get it done so I can just admire it... no really, I want to get it done so I can actually focus on keeping my house a little cleaner, sewing more clothes for her, and basically doing anything else other than thinking of what to do next in her room. One thing I might do is read more blogs! :)

Submission....

2008-03-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

Well, I am finding it much easier to submit to this process since last Friday. I have just been actually trying to even practice a posture of submission in my prayer time (which is usually about ten seconds before the boys feet hit the ground.) And I mean posture in the literal sense. It has really helped me to just have my head bowed, my shoulders down, and be "bowed" to my Lord.

The blessing of the week has been that I found two support groups on-line to tap into. (Thanks TH) One is for clients of our particular agency (CSS) and the other is for parents who are or have adopted from St. Petersburg region. This has been SO helpful to me in passing the weekend and feeling connected to others in my same boat. There is really something so helpful about talking to others who are in our unique position. It's funny how much these lists can come to mean to you and what friendships are forged. I still keep in touch with a couple that I met through our first adoption. It's an invaluable source of information too. I have already learned some things about St. Pete region that are a bit different from Moscow. The agency, of course, can give you the technical specs of what that looks like, but it's different when you live it.

So, I'm taking a deep breath at this point and just exhaling slowly. Brian keeps reminding me that God never said following His will would be a breeze, He only said that is where His blessing and protection lie. I am committed to this region, process, agency, etc. unless I hear very clearly from God that He has other plans for me. The really obvious thing about this is that it's so much easier to live in this state than the state I have been in for the past few weeks. I really think THAT is what God meant when He said "....His yoke is easy and burden light." Not that your circumstances would be easy, but that it's infinitely easier to be in His will and walking in His way than it is to be going solo because He is shouldering the load for me.

Please continue to pray for us though. I know right now the clouds have cleared for me and I have found some serenity, but I know that my stamina is weak and I will falter if the road is too bumpy. I have no faith in myself, only God's ability to carry me through. I want you all to hold me accountable to submission! I think this is one part of adoption that is so addictive because we have to live in such a communion with our Savior to get through this that you don't want to leave that place. And PLEASE, keep Mary Margaret in your prayers. All this time while I am just wanting to hold her, she is likely hungry, alone, and needing what we have for her here. As we wait in joyful hope for the resurrection of Christ at Easter, we also wait in faithful hope for our union with our daughter!

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:7

Clarity, perhaps? It's all about life in so many ways...

2008-03-15T16:26:00.001-05:00

Okay, as with most things, time offers a little clarity, even if it doesn't heal all. Yesterday as I was in the last class of my Bible study, I realized that I was speaking submission to God's plan for us, but I wasn't actually living it. As we were discussing what submission to God really looked like, I started getting this visual of what I define as submission in my dog. Okay, I know, I know, if you know Vince and his incorageable ways, you're thinking this is a bit of a stretch, but work with me here. To be fully submitted, it requires more than his butt on the ground in a sit position. If his mind is still moving forward, even though his body is in obedience posture, he's not really submitting. And I realized that this describes me in this process. I have my butt on the ground in the submissive posture to God, but my mind is moving on to plan B and C "in case God doesn't come through for me" or something like that. So, as I suspected, God was really waiting for ME (rather than the other way around) as usual, to be able to move forward. Isn't it so funny that so many times we think we have to wait for God's timing, when in reality, God's ready, it's us He's waiting on. So, not to say I am anywhere close to where I need to be to move forward on this, but just finally realized that God's got some "stuff" he's weeding out of me before He can give me His full blessing and protection.

Brian went to a men's retreat a couple of weeks ago and one of the things that really stuck with him was that God didn't say, "Follow me and it will be smooth sailing." He actually said that it wouldn't be easy, it would not be fun sometimes, (after all, look at what Jesus' life was like... he was virtually homeless and fully dependent on the love and generosity of those around him, but he was always provided for) but He did say we would always be held in His protection if we were walking in His way. And the price is ALWAYS worth the outcome with God. That's the beauty of the whole thing.

This is unrelated to our adoption, but this seems to be a recurring theme for Brian and I with people all around us right now, so I need a place to just lay down my thoughts. This seems like as good a place as any. Seems like it keeps being revealed to us that there are many people around us who are either pro-choice, or at least pro-choice with restrictions and in some cases. I have such a hard time processing how my Christian friends can have a belief that so vastly veers from the nature of God. I just don't understand this point of view. I have tried to have intelligent, non-emotional conversations on the topic, but I still have yet to hear anything that I could even sort of believe. Last night one of our friends, who I had always considered to be a fairly "fundamental" believer, revealed to us that she is pro-choice. Her argument was that she didn't see this as a "religious" (or moral) issue, but as strictly political. This prompted a conversation from Brian and I this morning about how that can be and just trying to evaluate our views in light of that. Do we invite government into too much by favoring overturn of Roe v. Wade? The bottom line is that I believe that God can redeem ANY life. This friend of ours argued that in some cases, there are things worse than death. I guess in her opinion, this might include life in an orphanage. And who is to judge which things are worse and which ones aren't? Do we limit God's ability to redeem the lowest of low, the worst of situations when we become judge and jury on whether this soul has a right to a chance at life? Who said that "hard" equals "unworthy"? At what point is hard too hard? I mean, how do you determine? Is there a certain level of poverty below which no life should be sustained? Is there a certain level of deviance from "acceptable norms"? Doesn't that sound a little "Hitler-ish"? I just CAN'T seem to make sense of this argument. I know people who have carried babies to term with untold amount of deformities and syndromes, only to be surprised by the immense blessing they received from their committment to doing the "right" thing inthe eyes of God. Haven't you experienced that, where you find yourself in the midst of something you would never have chosen, wondering why on earth God would ask you to endure something so miserably painful, only to find that He brought you through the desert to deliver you into a land of milk and honey? Really, Moses journey for 40 years was a pretty good foreboding of what the Lord has in store for us if we only perservere. Anyway, it's just so sad to me and I needed a place to put it down. There are so few of you reading this at this point that I'm sure it won't set the world on it's ears anyway! :) I think I have about four followers.

So Much for Mother's Intuition

2008-03-13T23:22:00.001-05:00

Well, I guess that sixth sense I was having must have been some sort of precursor to a nervous breakdown or something. Suffice it to say we did NOT get registered with the MOE... yet again! Turns out, the fifth time was NOT that charm.

Okay, so what else could go wrong you ask? Well, apparently, DHL sent our POA (the latest last minute document) to St. Pete as directed, but then, for some unknown reason, forwarded it to Frankfurt, Germany, not the CSS office in St. Pete. UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Do you hear me stomping my feet? I am two jumps away from a full blown fit here!

SO, what now, you may ask. Brian and I have asked that too. Does it seem like maybe God is trying to tell us something? When I get to heaven, is He going to say, "Dang, Ondrea, I did everything but write it on the wall!" But, alas, the agency wants us to hang in there for ONE MORE CYCLE... so that's what we're doing. They PROMISE us that we will be registered on March 24, barring the rapture or other act of God. So, I told them we would stick it out. But if we don't get registered on March 24, then I have asked them to please forward our documents back to Moscow and let's start fresh in another region. Somehow, I just have this feeling that March 24 will roll around and there will not be good news. At this point, I want to go get the bleepin' documents myself and walk them over to the MOE... if only I could speak Russian!

Anyway, wanna hear another curve ball? (It just keeps getting better.) They told us that this all might be a moot point anyway because they are now hearing that there is only ONE girl available in the St. Pete region and she is 27 months old. The age is not a problem since we are approved for up to 30 months. But, the problem is that if there is (God forbid) a problem with the referral, there is no one else to offer us. She did say, however, that there is a young sibling group of two girls if we would consider that. I sort of laughed at that one thinking Brian would have a heart attack if I even mentioned it. But I think the Holy Spirit must have possessed him for a few minutes because he said he was open. I asked who this man was and what he had done with my husband, but he just laughed. He did say that we would never be able to leave the house with five kids and probably would never be asked to visit grandparents ever again. But that's okay, they can visit us (and stay with Ashley or EJ 'cause there'll be no room in the inn.) :) hahaha Don't freak out, I don't think we need to start planning for two anytime soon, I'd be happy just to be registered, it seems we can't even cross that bridge, much less get a referral.

I really must continually remind myself that God has a plan, He has a daughter for us, He IS in control of this process. I have laid my burden down (or tried to, anyway) on the THRONE of the living God. The Creator of the universe is on the case and these few days we have waited are truly but a breath for Him. I know in my head that these things are true... the Holy Spirit needs to get busy telling my heart to be patient and rest in Him. Truly, truly, I trust that God has a very perfect plan for us. I count it all joy, as Paul said, and really I do know that this is leading me somewhere God needs me to go. We have places to go and worlds to conquer, and I just can't get there carrying some of this "stuff" he's waiting for me to set down. SO... down with discouragement and fear, anxiety and impatience. I am going to have to get busy getting it right or this is never going to happen.

Deuteronomy 14:29
...the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

Today's the Day

2008-03-10T22:45:00.001-05:00

Okay, it's 10:45 PM in Nashville, March 10. But in Russia, it's 7:45 AM, March 11. Today is the "make up" day the MOE was going to take dossiers since February 25 and March 10 were both Russian holidays. I have a hope that our dossier was going to be registered today. HOWEVER, the director of the agency sent me an e-mail and asked me to call her tomorrow, so I am prepared that it might be bad news. This is the FOURTH registration date that we have come to, so I have very high hopes that this will be the one.

IF we get registered today (tomorrow), then we could have a photo of our daughter as early as next week! Just the thought of that is almost more than I dare let myself believe.

Well, it's off to bed, not that I'll get a wink of sleep.

Romans 5:2-5

... And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

My friend Sonja wrote this verse on a post card for me when she found out that I was pregnant with Connor. That was four years ago. It's amazing how this verse just keeps meaning so much to me at every passageway in my life.

More delays

2008-03-04T12:36:00.000-06:00

If you haven't heard, the last registration day, February 25, was a holiday in Russia. So we are living for the next date, which is March 10. But as it turns out, March 10 is also a Russian holiday. Graciously, they have offered to accept dossiers on March 11 so that we don't have to wait until the end of March. However, the representative in St. Pete asked for an additional piece of paper, which I overnighted last Friday. It arrived in NC on Monday and was immediately sent to St. Pete. However, DHL will only guarantee it there by Friday, which means that it's not likely to be translated and notarized in Russia in time for the registration date on March 11. I'm not holding my breath. What I am doing is starting to be very frustrated with this process. I don't see how the Russian representative in St. Pete can be the one to review the documents, ask for two extra sets of documents at two separate times, and then realize one week before our third delay that there is something she didn't get the first two times. I'm optimistic, but this is starting to feel like the "runaround" to me. I think I have one more cycle in me before I just ask to be transferred back to Moscow and forget about the 10 day wait.

Paper Chains and other silly games

2008-02-16T20:14:00.000-06:00

We have started a paper chain for the countdown to the days we are registered. Did I mention that before? Anyway, we were down to three, but then we had to add on fourteen more. So now we are back down to nine. Whew! Our most recent round of papers went to Russia with another family (hand carried) today. It should not be a problem to be registered on the 25th, providing there are no unforeseen issues.

God really does provide in His perfect timing. What we have learned since our delay is that in the month of March, my brother and his wife can basically come move into our house for the week in take care of the boys, house, dog, etc. That will make things much easier on us for traveling. So, that's one ray of light in this dreary wait. But things aren't all a loss, I've amassed a collection of bows and clothing that any little girl would love... most of it summer. So when she gets here, we'll be ready! Love you friends!

Nothing worth doing is ever easy... or something like that!

2008-02-08T17:07:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know they say that good things come to those who wait...so what about those who WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT? I was informed (very brusquely I might add) by our agency rep that we will NOT be registered in St. Pete on February 11 after all. They needed some extra paperwork for our dossier (this is in addition to the five extra documents we already sent them.) So, there was no way that I could gather the papers on Wednesday, FedEx them for Thursday delivery, get them from NC to Russia and translated by Monday, February 11 and forwarded to St. Petersburg... so, the wait goes on... and on, etc. etc.

The really funny thing is that the documents they are asking for are really redundant and ridiculous. The first thing they wanted was a license from our social worker (okay, not an outrageous request), a letter from the State of Tennessee saying that our agency is in good standing (even though our agency has a current license from the State of Tennessee, which we have already provided three State verified copies of) and (get this) an addendum to our home study stating where we go to church and that we promise not to make our kids go to church if they don't want to or to force them to be Catholic when they grow up. I could go on and on about all the reasons this is a ridiculous request, first of which being what kind of mother would I be if I allowed the whims of my three year old child to dictate what I do every Sunday morning... but not the least of which being that I make Jack go to CCD every Wednesday against his will, just because I know he likes to complain. So, anyway, that's the latest... more of nothing, really.

"I am the Lord, the God of every person on Earth. Nothing is impossible for me." Jeremiah 32:27

Discerning God's precious and mighty voice!

2008-02-02T14:20:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a week! Brian has been out of town and I have been a single parent for around eight days... whew! On top of that, many emotional opportunities have arisen concerning our adoption, a few little bumps in the road, but no major turbulence... yet.

Anyway, lot's of things to pray about and consider, but nothing much to report. The big news is that our dossier DID arrive in St. Petersburg. It took an overnight train on Tuesday, January 29. So, it's officially there and there are not only nine more days until registration! WOOHOOO!!!!!

The other news is that Brian will 99% sure be traveling on the first trip with me, so there will be no need for a traveling companion, but more need for babysitters... so rev up your math skills as Jack has lots of homework.

We were presented with the unique opportunity to inquire about a specific child that is on the Russian database. Her name is Manisa. She is the most beuatiful little dark haired, dark eyed little girl, wavy curls and big brown eyes. I was actually sitting down to type out the formal request for information on her when I felt God tug at my heart. This is beyond my level of knowledge, skill and certainty. I see only a tiny piece of the picture, and that piece is further blurred by my own view of the world... I see only what the world sees (a strikingly beautiful child.) But there is One who sees it all. Do I dare interfere with His perfect plan by inserting my worldly influenced choices into the process? Or has He drawn my focus to this particular child because He is calling us to her? How do I know where my voice ends and the Holy Spirit's leading begins? I am holding God to his promise in Deuteronomy 5:31, "As for you, stand here by Me, that I may speak to you." I am just trying to stand and wait for Him to speak life into my heart concerning this most crucial decision. I know the world would tell me to go for it... but dare I miss what He is saying!

I have been praying about it and really feel like God is telling me that I don't see the whole picture. He sees every girl in every orphanage in St. Petersburg and He has directed us this far past leaving our agency, etc. I think He has set us up for a situation where He can place our daughter in our arms. It's VERY hard for me to walk away from the little girl, Manisa, because I see her face every time I think of Mary Margaret now. I can't stand to think of her without a family forever.. if you could only see her precious face! BUT, I do feel that I am looking at a very limited amount of information, just her photo... I don't know her personality, her health, or her future. God does. If He has chosen a specific little girl for us and we adopt someone else, then the little girl He has for us might be left in the orphanage forever... I just think that He knows the needs of each child, our family, her health future and past, and He is better informed to make the choice than I am. It's SO hard to let go of it and trust. I know God can purpose good from all our missteps, but I also know that we can set ourselves on paths we were never meant to take by not being still and listening to Him. I want to be like Habakkuk, "I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart; And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me." Habakkuk 2:1 In the Hebrew translation of this verse, to stand means "to endure, remain and to be standing both in body and attitude." Habakkuk expected God to answer him, and so do I. I know He is moving, even when I don't feel it or hear it, I must be on the lookout and ready to receive His confirmation when He is ready to reveal Himself. Please pray for me... patience and giving over control are not two of my strong suits, but as I spoke of a few posts ago, I want this journey to be as much about refining me to what He has planned as it is about completing our family.

Wow, you're still reading? You must be really bored! Please pray with us that we will discern God's voice, wait for it, and then have the courage to follow Him where He is leading and the wisdom to obey.

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

A little perspective...

2008-01-28T18:57:00.001-06:00

Time always gives a little perspective. Knowing God's timing is perfect and agreeing with Him are two totally different things! But the weekend gave me some perspective and I realize that the timing of the delayed registration is actually probably better. Our friends the Hollis' are paper ready, so now there's a chance that their dossier could go with ours. If that happens, then we will most likely travel together... what a BLESSING! The earliest we would travel at this point would be the beginning of March for the first trip, which puts the second trip somewhere closer to warm weather, even if not in the summer. I swore I would never return to Russia in the winter again, and God seems to be agreeing with me! :) And, really, spring break would be so much more convenient for everyone who's helping with the boys, so we might just luck into those dates at this point. Too much later though, and we start getting into Jack's first communion and golf trips, so let's keep our fingers crossed that this is the last delay. Just rambling on here... wishing there was something substantial to tell you, but it's therapeutic to spill it. Thanks for walking this with us!

"Grace to you and Peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you." Philippians 1:1-3

Blue in a Sea of Pink

2008-01-25T15:45:00.000-06:00

Well, it's not the best day on the adoption road. I should have known when Connor picked up our spiritual vitamin at the Y today that it was a sign of God's insisting on some of that perserverance I spoke of (see the scripture at the bottom of the entry.) Of course, I know in my head that there are bound to be these days. Things never go as planned in an international adoption, and how many times I have counseled families that two weeks here or there isn't really catastrophic in the grand scheme of life. But sitting here it sure feels like two weeks is a long time. The agency did not get our dossier translated in time to be registered on Monday. I am not sure what the hold up was. Truthfully, who knows, it could be as simple as there is another dossier to go to St. Pete and it's more efficient for their staff to process bulk numbers than singles, that's not unlikely, actually. Whatever the reason, we will now be registered in St. Petersburg on February 11, barring any more unforeseen delays. In the meantime, this feels excruciatingly slow. It's so hard for me to be an "outsider" in the process. I am accustomed to having access to the Russian staff directly, so this is out of my comfort zone. Can you say... "control issues!" Anyway, that's the latest. So, no more counting down until January 28... now the countdown is on to February 11. I don't like living for a date... my bad mood is in danger of becoming chronic at this point. UGH!

Couple that with a little disciplinary issue with Liam at school today, Brian is out of town, Connor wet his pants today... three times, and you have for one not so terrific day in the life of a mom. But, I am NOT complaining. My friend Melanie is on her way to the funeral of a 17 month old little girl who lost her battle with a heart condition on Wednesday, so even in the midst of all these minor annoyances, I am overly and abundantly blessed. The mom of the little girl amazed me with her faith and I am sure she inspired many who walked the journey with her. The morning after she held her daughter into heaven, she had the strength to write an e-mail about how blessed she is. So if she can endure that, who am I to complain about a few little hiccups in a day filled with blessings!

"Be strong and courageous... for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

No News Does Not Equal Good News

2008-01-22T17:46:00.000-06:00

While the saying "No News is good news" is probably true in that it certainly isn't bad news... but it's not really good either when you are WAITING and WAITING! Anticipation puts me in a bad mood. I never was good at that "Be still" part of knowing that God is God. I'm edgy and ready to go. I feel like I need to be DOING something... that's the ADHD side of my brain taking over. So, in the meantime, I'm painting, sewing, dreaming, and trying to keep myself occupied and on top of real life and out of dreamland.

I spoke with Katrina at CSS (Catholic Social Services) today and she said that our dossier will 99% likely be registered in St. Petersburg on January 28. There is another family who is going to be registered on that same date, so there is a very good likelihood that we will travel with another family. In the meantime, I have asked my three possible travel partners (Brian's mom, Brian's sister Wendi, and my friend Amie) to submit the photo page of their passports to me so that they can have the visa ready at a moment's notice. That certainly isn't enough to keep me occupied and keep my mind from going crazy. ARGH!!!!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I'm going to be praying those verses for the next few days, because I want God to use this time of perserverance to develop in me all that is lacking... I want to hold to that promise that if perserverance finishes its work in me, I will be lacking nothing!

Thinking Pink

2008-01-16T10:29:00.000-06:00

Okay, here's the latest: Our dossier did arrive safely in Moscow on Monday. Katrina says that St. Petersburg registers dossiers the second and fourth Monday of every month, so feasibly, our dossier could be registered in St. Pete on January 28. I need you all to pray that this is what happens. I did tell her that if they know of a little girl who is healthy in another region, we would consider her, but if we are waiting for a referral, then I prefer St. Pete. I have been on the St. Petersburg orphan database every day praying for each of the little girls in the age range we are requesting. I know that God has chosen a very specific child for us and that she is waiting for us.

In the meantime, I am expending this excess energy by decorating her room. Here are the before shots. I will post more when the decorator leaves today. I know I will have alot of work to do though, fabric, sewing, etc. Can't wait! :)

The Latest

2008-01-14T11:37:00.000-06:00

I spoke with Katrina at CSS this AM. Our dossier arrived safely in Moscow... that's one answered prayer to check off the list. So, it's just a matter now of translating the documents and getting them over to St. Petersburg. Brian and I went to the notary this morning and finished up the extra documents that St. Pete requires. Tomorrow morning I will pick up a copy of an added document from Catholic Charities and an extra copy of our marriage license, and we will be ready for this second round of documents. This is totally typical of Russian adoption, there are always last minute papers to gather and prepare. There will be another round between trip one and trip two, so we're not exactly done, but we're one step closer. It's so real now.

Today I bought the paint for her room and will take all the truck stickers down off the ceiling (from when that used to be Liam and Jack's room, a few years ago.) Julie Jordan (decorator) is coming on Wednesday and she will help me pull it all together. I am SO excited. Once I get it together I will post some picks here.

My quote for the day comes from an e-mail Brian sent me:
"When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?" LOVE IT!

Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tenst of the righteous: "The Lord's right hand has done mighty things!" Psalm 118:15