Submission....

Well, I am finding it much easier to submit to this process since last Friday. I have just been actually trying to even practice a posture of submission in my prayer time (which is usually about ten seconds before the boys feet hit the ground.) And I mean posture in the literal sense. It has really helped me to just have my head bowed, my shoulders down, and be "bowed" to my Lord.

The blessing of the week has been that I found two support groups on-line to tap into. (Thanks TH) One is for clients of our particular agency (CSS) and the other is for parents who are or have adopted from St. Petersburg region. This has been SO helpful to me in passing the weekend and feeling connected to others in my same boat. There is really something so helpful about talking to others who are in our unique position. It's funny how much these lists can come to mean to you and what friendships are forged. I still keep in touch with a couple that I met through our first adoption. It's an invaluable source of information too. I have already learned some things about St. Pete region that are a bit different from Moscow. The agency, of course, can give you the technical specs of what that looks like, but it's different when you live it.

So, I'm taking a deep breath at this point and just exhaling slowly. Brian keeps reminding me that God never said following His will would be a breeze, He only said that is where His blessing and protection lie. I am committed to this region, process, agency, etc. unless I hear very clearly from God that He has other plans for me. The really obvious thing about this is that it's so much easier to live in this state than the state I have been in for the past few weeks. I really think THAT is what God meant when He said "....His yoke is easy and burden light." Not that your circumstances would be easy, but that it's infinitely easier to be in His will and walking in His way than it is to be going solo because He is shouldering the load for me.

Please continue to pray for us though. I know right now the clouds have cleared for me and I have found some serenity, but I know that my stamina is weak and I will falter if the road is too bumpy. I have no faith in myself, only God's ability to carry me through. I want you all to hold me accountable to submission! I think this is one part of adoption that is so addictive because we have to live in such a communion with our Savior to get through this that you don't want to leave that place. And PLEASE, keep Mary Margaret in your prayers. All this time while I am just wanting to hold her, she is likely hungry, alone, and needing what we have for her here. As we wait in joyful hope for the resurrection of Christ at Easter, we also wait in faithful hope for our union with our daughter!

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:7

Clarity, perhaps? It's all about life in so many ways...

Okay, as with most things, time offers a little clarity, even if it doesn't heal all. Yesterday as I was in the last class of my Bible study, I realized that I was speaking submission to God's plan for us, but I wasn't actually living it. As we were discussing what submission to God really looked like, I started getting this visual of what I define as submission in my dog. Okay, I know, I know, if you know Vince and his incorageable ways, you're thinking this is a bit of a stretch, but work with me here. To be fully submitted, it requires more than his butt on the ground in a sit position. If his mind is still moving forward, even though his body is in obedience posture, he's not really submitting. And I realized that this describes me in this process. I have my butt on the ground in the submissive posture to God, but my mind is moving on to plan B and C "in case God doesn't come through for me" or something like that. So, as I suspected, God was really waiting for ME (rather than the other way around) as usual, to be able to move forward. Isn't it so funny that so many times we think we have to wait for God's timing, when in reality, God's ready, it's us He's waiting on. So, not to say I am anywhere close to where I need to be to move forward on this, but just finally realized that God's got some "stuff" he's weeding out of me before He can give me His full blessing and protection.

Brian went to a men's retreat a couple of weeks ago and one of the things that really stuck with him was that God didn't say, "Follow me and it will be smooth sailing." He actually said that it wouldn't be easy, it would not be fun sometimes, (after all, look at what Jesus' life was like... he was virtually homeless and fully dependent on the love and generosity of those around him, but he was always provided for) but He did say we would always be held in His protection if we were walking in His way. And the price is ALWAYS worth the outcome with God. That's the beauty of the whole thing.

This is unrelated to our adoption, but this seems to be a recurring theme for Brian and I with people all around us right now, so I need a place to just lay down my thoughts. This seems like as good a place as any. Seems like it keeps being revealed to us that there are many people around us who are either pro-choice, or at least pro-choice with restrictions and in some cases. I have such a hard time processing how my Christian friends can have a belief that so vastly veers from the nature of God. I just don't understand this point of view. I have tried to have intelligent, non-emotional conversations on the topic, but I still have yet to hear anything that I could even sort of believe. Last night one of our friends, who I had always considered to be a fairly "fundamental" believer, revealed to us that she is pro-choice. Her argument was that she didn't see this as a "religious" (or moral) issue, but as strictly political. This prompted a conversation from Brian and I this morning about how that can be and just trying to evaluate our views in light of that. Do we invite government into too much by favoring overturn of Roe v. Wade? The bottom line is that I believe that God can redeem ANY life. This friend of ours argued that in some cases, there are things worse than death. I guess in her opinion, this might include life in an orphanage. And who is to judge which things are worse and which ones aren't? Do we limit God's ability to redeem the lowest of low, the worst of situations when we become judge and jury on whether this soul has a right to a chance at life? Who said that "hard" equals "unworthy"? At what point is hard too hard? I mean, how do you determine? Is there a certain level of poverty below which no life should be sustained? Is there a certain level of deviance from "acceptable norms"? Doesn't that sound a little "Hitler-ish"? I just CAN'T seem to make sense of this argument. I know people who have carried babies to term with untold amount of deformities and syndromes, only to be surprised by the immense blessing they received from their committment to doing the "right" thing inthe eyes of God. Haven't you experienced that, where you find yourself in the midst of something you would never have chosen, wondering why on earth God would ask you to endure something so miserably painful, only to find that He brought you through the desert to deliver you into a land of milk and honey? Really, Moses journey for 40 years was a pretty good foreboding of what the Lord has in store for us if we only perservere. Anyway, it's just so sad to me and I needed a place to put it down. There are so few of you reading this at this point that I'm sure it won't set the world on it's ears anyway! :) I think I have about four followers.

So Much for Mother's Intuition

Well, I guess that sixth sense I was having must have been some sort of precursor to a nervous breakdown or something. Suffice it to say we did NOT get registered with the MOE... yet again! Turns out, the fifth time was NOT that charm.

Okay, so what else could go wrong you ask? Well, apparently, DHL sent our POA (the latest last minute document) to St. Pete as directed, but then, for some unknown reason, forwarded it to Frankfurt, Germany, not the CSS office in St. Pete. UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Do you hear me stomping my feet? I am two jumps away from a full blown fit here!

SO, what now, you may ask. Brian and I have asked that too. Does it seem like maybe God is trying to tell us something? When I get to heaven, is He going to say, "Dang, Ondrea, I did everything but write it on the wall!" But, alas, the agency wants us to hang in there for ONE MORE CYCLE... so that's what we're doing. They PROMISE us that we will be registered on March 24, barring the rapture or other act of God. So, I told them we would stick it out. But if we don't get registered on March 24, then I have asked them to please forward our documents back to Moscow and let's start fresh in another region. Somehow, I just have this feeling that March 24 will roll around and there will not be good news. At this point, I want to go get the bleepin' documents myself and walk them over to the MOE... if only I could speak Russian!

Anyway, wanna hear another curve ball? (It just keeps getting better.) They told us that this all might be a moot point anyway because they are now hearing that there is only ONE girl available in the St. Pete region and she is 27 months old. The age is not a problem since we are approved for up to 30 months. But, the problem is that if there is (God forbid) a problem with the referral, there is no one else to offer us. She did say, however, that there is a young sibling group of two girls if we would consider that. I sort of laughed at that one thinking Brian would have a heart attack if I even mentioned it. But I think the Holy Spirit must have possessed him for a few minutes because he said he was open. I asked who this man was and what he had done with my husband, but he just laughed. He did say that we would never be able to leave the house with five kids and probably would never be asked to visit grandparents ever again. But that's okay, they can visit us (and stay with Ashley or EJ 'cause there'll be no room in the inn.) :) hahaha Don't freak out, I don't think we need to start planning for two anytime soon, I'd be happy just to be registered, it seems we can't even cross that bridge, much less get a referral.

I really must continually remind myself that God has a plan, He has a daughter for us, He IS in control of this process. I have laid my burden down (or tried to, anyway) on the THRONE of the living God. The Creator of the universe is on the case and these few days we have waited are truly but a breath for Him. I know in my head that these things are true... the Holy Spirit needs to get busy telling my heart to be patient and rest in Him. Truly, truly, I trust that God has a very perfect plan for us. I count it all joy, as Paul said, and really I do know that this is leading me somewhere God needs me to go. We have places to go and worlds to conquer, and I just can't get there carrying some of this "stuff" he's waiting for me to set down. SO... down with discouragement and fear, anxiety and impatience. I am going to have to get busy getting it right or this is never going to happen.

Deuteronomy 14:29
...the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

Today's the Day

Okay, it's 10:45 PM in Nashville, March 10. But in Russia, it's 7:45 AM, March 11. Today is the "make up" day the MOE was going to take dossiers since February 25 and March 10 were both Russian holidays. I have a hope that our dossier was going to be registered today. HOWEVER, the director of the agency sent me an e-mail and asked me to call her tomorrow, so I am prepared that it might be bad news. This is the FOURTH registration date that we have come to, so I have very high hopes that this will be the one.

IF we get registered today (tomorrow), then we could have a photo of our daughter as early as next week! Just the thought of that is almost more than I dare let myself believe.

Well, it's off to bed, not that I'll get a wink of sleep.

Romans 5:2-5

... And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

My friend Sonja wrote this verse on a post card for me when she found out that I was pregnant with Connor. That was four years ago. It's amazing how this verse just keeps meaning so much to me at every passageway in my life.

More delays

If you haven't heard, the last registration day, February 25, was a holiday in Russia. So we are living for the next date, which is March 10. But as it turns out, March 10 is also a Russian holiday. Graciously, they have offered to accept dossiers on March 11 so that we don't have to wait until the end of March. However, the representative in St. Pete asked for an additional piece of paper, which I overnighted last Friday. It arrived in NC on Monday and was immediately sent to St. Pete. However, DHL will only guarantee it there by Friday, which means that it's not likely to be translated and notarized in Russia in time for the registration date on March 11. I'm not holding my breath. What I am doing is starting to be very frustrated with this process. I don't see how the Russian representative in St. Pete can be the one to review the documents, ask for two extra sets of documents at two separate times, and then realize one week before our third delay that there is something she didn't get the first two times. I'm optimistic, but this is starting to feel like the "runaround" to me. I think I have one more cycle in me before I just ask to be transferred back to Moscow and forget about the 10 day wait.