A Pink Princess Bed and Amazing Friends

Okay, I must first say that I have THE most amazing friends. No, truly, the most amazing! I am not just talking about a good group of women here. I am talking about a group of girls that are diverse, devoted, and AMAZING! I cannot believe how much God has blessed me with this group of girls to surround me. My friends are Godly, thoughtful, caring, and supportive. And this group of girls are walking this walk with me, in the midst of their crazy lives (traveling husband, working mom, infant mom, Mayor's wife, etc. etc.) and really caring about each and every moment. This is a group of women who care for me like a mother cares, but in the down in the trenches, I'm with you sister, kind of way. As I sit here trying to explain what these women are and mean in my life, I realize that words are so inadequate. They are too precious to convey in words. These are bone deep friendships that are safe and strong. We share every sorrow, joy, struggle, laugh and cry together. And these are the kind of friendships that if I only had ONE friend like this in my life I would be more fortunate than many women I know. But the fact that I have MULTIPLE friendships like this is just beyond belief for me. I really think that girlfriends, good ones, are an essential component to being a woman, but an indispensable part of being a Mom. I could not have gotten through some of my long days without these girls. Anyway, I'm gushing at this point and you've probably stopped reading. But I do have a point to the endless praise...

These crazy beautiful girls bought me THE most amazing baby gift yesterday... total spur of the moment "moment", but FABULOUS!!!! You have to see "the bed"... I mean, this is THE BED!!!! It's a toddler sized bed that fits my crib mattress. When we realized that our daughter will most likely still be in a crib and not a big bed, we were just planning to get our crib out of the attic and put it to the test of a fourth Harrison baby. :) But yesterday, my friends and I were at an art studio near our house called Silo Studios (I would like so you could see it, but I don't know how to do that yet) and the first thing I saw when we walked in was this to-die-for bed! I was debating whether to buy it and two of these girls got on the phone with the other girls and next thing I know, it's being loaded into my car. Then I spent the rest of the day blubbering about what great friends they are and how blessed I am to have them, etc. etc. I mean, to tell you how awesome they are, this is the FOURTH round of baby-gift buying that these girls have been through with me and they are STILL finding the energy to celebrate the moment. They are genuinely excited about this big event in our lives. I mean, at some point, you would think they would be sick of me adding babies and just say, "good luck to you!" :) Anyway... now that I have pulled myself together from the emotional wreck I was yesterday, I'm just sitting in her room salivating over this precious throne-like bed that's just perfect for the sister of three big brothers! :)

One last note, it's starting to seem more imminent that we could travel on the 20th and I decided I better get my butt in gear and DO something... so I've started piling up things I can't forget to take (the essentials as seen here are electric converter, knitting bag with all my knitting stuff, World Without End by Ken Follett, Tylenol PM, baby wipes, measuring tape to measure her legs, arms, head, etc. for sewing and for the doctors, notebook for writing stuff down, packing list.) I'm putting them on her dresser, so for the "scrapbook", here's a photo of the beginning prep for travel... sitting atop the sweet new dresser I did for her!

Jumping off the pity train... for now

Okay, so I realize that my posts have been all gloom and doom for about a week and I am just over myself. Quite frankly, there's way too much stuff that I SHOULD be focusing on for me to be putting this much energy into watching the clock tick. SO... this is the kick in the butt I needed. I was reading Kim Abraham's blog tonight about the local social worker who died over the weekend. And then there's the story of little Audrey Caroline that most everyone in Nashville knows about. And my mother-in-law has been in the hospital all week. We thought she had had a minor heart attack (are there such things as MINOR heart attacks), but it turned out to be something else. Anyway, the scare was enough. Brian and I were just thinking of how much we cherish our parents and how lucky we are to have our parents and no one has any real health issues. It's just a reality check. So, while it is absolutely, completely, totally tragic that my daughter went to sleep tonight without her mommy and daddy to kiss her and tell her she is loved, we know the day is coming when she will be redeemed from that and her life will be cherished from that day forward. We know that day is already scheduled on God's calendar. It's there, written in ink, programmed into his Palm Pilot, or whatever He uses to keep up with all of our little worries and wants. The day is approaching, it's iminent, and it will happen. For today, I am going to focus on the bazillion blessings that are all around me (that quite frankly, God is probably a little perturbed that I have been ignoring) and not worry so much about the blessing that's on it's way. I have been around this block before, I know the adoption WILL happen. I know the stress and the worry of the wait, like the pains and aches of pregnancy and labor, all melt away when you are holding that little angel for the first time. So I will count this among my blessings because God has promised not to leave a work unfinished, and I know that He is working in this time, as much as He is in the receiving of the gift.

"Whenever a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has come into the world. Therefore, you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you." John 16:21-22

Borrowed words

Tonight, a little message to my daughter... I was listening again to the song written for my friend's daughter, adopted from China, and some of the words have just stirred me into a new place. Not the frenzied worried wait of the day, but of the soft, deep, soulful longing to hold my daughter. In the song, the singer wonders where her daughter sleeps and who holds her when she cries. And that stills me. It stops me dead in my tracks, in fact, and reminds me that while this wait is so hard for me because of all the selfish reasons I want my daughter here, it's not about that. There's so much more to this sadness than the waiting on my end!

My sweet little one, are you safe? Are you hungry? Are you scared or lonely? If so, I hope the angels are sitting on your bedpost, whispering secrets of your mamma, waiting and longing for you across the ocean. I hope she is a beautiful angel, with long golden curls and wings tucked behind her glowing white gown. I hope she is singing to you in the sweetest angel voice, stories of three brothers who are waiting just to "kiss your face off." And I hope she is telling you of your daddy, waiting to be swept away by your charms. But most of all, I hope she is telling you that you have a Mommy who loves you very much, and who has shed tears of longing for you for a long time. A mommy who would like nothing more than to hold you as you sleep and take away all your worries. And I hope she is telling you that soon you will not have to cry in vain, or be lonely, or wait for your next meal. Soon you will have two strong arms to run to anytime you have a boo-boo, or just need a hug. You will have six playful arms ready to engage you in any manner of fun. You will have soft hands to hold and a song to drift you off to sleep each night. I hope she is telling you about the rocking chair that awaits you with books and blankets. And the soft pink room painstakingly decorated just especially for you. I hope that she is telling you that there are so many families out there that are longing for you, but you very specifically have been chosen for us and God is very actively bringing us together RIGHT NOW. It's taking a little longer than Mommy had hoped, but we're coming, baby! It's almost time for you to rise and begin your day, just as your brothers, Daddy and I are ending ours. But you are in each of our prayers. Even our little Connor prays for you by name each night now. I hope you are feeling the warmth and love that is being sent to you from the other side of the earth. And I hope someone is loving on you, wiping your tears, mending your hurts, and giving you one last pat before you drift off to sleep each night. I hope beyond reason that someone is loving you until we can be there to do it forever. We love you little one! Spakona Noche!

Weekends

I LOVE weekends. Friday is my favorite day of the week and I always think it's because the weekend is stretched out before us with so much promise, so much possibility. Saturday mornings are great, coffee and a leisurely read of the paper. Then there are always a million things on the list of "to-do's" for the day. Sunday is great, long mornings with a big fat paper, but a little sad, because most of the weekend is behind us at that point. But I have found that throughout the adoption process, I have started to have mixed emotions about weekends. The great thing about weekends now is that it means another week of waiting is behind us and we are entering into another block of time that is incrementally closer to registration and hopefully travel. But weekends are torture in that I know nothing is happening in our case over the weekend, so it's two long days when I don't imagine and hope that someone is doing SOMETHING to bring us closer to our little angel.

This, once again, proves that absolutely everything about life as we know it is affected by "The Wait." Every plan is made with travel in the back of my mind. Every dollar is spent knowing that we will need the extra cash for our adoption. Every day is greeted with hope and ended without any definite plans. Every victory is tempered with guarded optimism. Every weekend passes as a celebration of another week checked off the timeline, but another two days that I know no progress was made toward getting us to Russia.

How will this child of ours ever know the longing with which we waited for her? How will she ever understand the hours of hard labor that went into bringing her into "this" world? I've been through labor, it's a breeze compared to "The Wait." Will she ever understand that there has never, in the history of the world, been an unwanted adopted child? Will she understand the anticipation with which I have expected and hoped and prayed for her every day of her life? Even before she was born, when Connor was an infant, I would kneel in church and ask God to watch over our daughter's mother and help her face the things that were to come for her. When we decided to adopt again for sure, I started to pray that God would just hold our daughter and comfort her and provide for her until we were there to be His hands and voice. I know that He is holding her still. And that she is expecting us, maybe not aware, but in her heart she is longing for us as we are longing for her. My friend and neighbor just had the best quote the other day. She was talking about how the longing for a daughter goes "beyond pink." That is so true. Yes, the pink and frilly things are cute and amazing and all of that. But the longing to share that relationship that only a daughter can bring goes so far beyond the "stuff" and so much more about love and parenting. I can't wait to experience all of this parenting stuff through a new lens, the lens of a mother/daughter relationship. I can't wait to watch my husband fall head over heels for a new love. I can't wait to see him experience the unexpected rapture of his daughter.

So, the weekends are a mixed bag, a blessing and a curse. The Wait goes on for now. We are cautiously optimistic that our travel dates will be in April. We are tentatively planning everything and living our life on hurry up and wait scheduling. And until "the call" comes, we'll keep passing the weekends with joy and frustration.

Genesis 49:18 "For Your salvation I wait, O Lord."

The Endless Waiting

I spoke with our agency representative yesterday. She assures us we will be registered on April 14, but then again, as she pointed out, they have assured us before and to no avail. However, now that we know of a specific child, we are more anxious than ever. This adds to the weight of the wait because at any time, we could be back to square one, which would feel like a major setback at this point. We've already started to bond to this child (well, at least I have as I have stared a hole through the photo.) I am sewing clothing again with her in mind specifically. Everything I had made was sized two, so I am back at the machine sewing twelve to eighteen months now. And on top of it all, I am not sure if being "aware" of this child is actually the same as having a "referral" for her, so it's all the more heart twisting to be sitting here twiddling our thumbs.

On the practical side of things, we are being told to prepare for being in St. Pete on April 20. But not to make any arrangements yet because we won't know for sure until April 14th that we are being invited to come that specific week. UGH!!! I want to apply for visas and book travel. THAT would be exciting! But instead, I am sitting here planning to have nothing going on for me or the boys the week of the 20th. Do we reschedule first communion based on a "maybe"? We can't apply for visas until our apartment reservations are done. But that means that we will have NO time to spare if we find out on the 14th that we are leaving on the 19th, we will have to FedEx the visa apps to NY, pay for one business day turnaround (at over 2x the price). That means they will turn it around by Thursday in hopes that FedEx is on time and gets it to us on Friday! Whew... talk about a roller coaster. I just want to DO something. I have all this advance notice but can't actually plan anything... if you know me, you know this is the equivalent of torture to me.

But, I know I have to put this in God's capable and sovereign hands. I know that if this little girl is THE child He chose for us before the beginning of time, FedEx can't keep us apart. And I know that if she is not, it will be another step in grief that we will have to rely on the ultimate Healer to cure. Either way, I know God is sovereign and I know that He cares very specifically for our family and our daughter. Even though I can't comfort her, He can. I can't hold her, but His angels can. And I just have to trust that He is.

If you have a box of tissues handy, you have to go to this site: www.myspace.com/igrace and listen to the song titled "Sweet Amelia". This is a song written about my friend, Wendy Twit's daughter. Basically, her husband gave Wendy's journal to a songwriter and she put the words of expectancy and anticipation to music. I wish I could link it to play on the blog, but I haven't gotten that technical yet! :)

"Many plans are in a man's heart, but the cousel of the Lord will stand." Proverbs 19:21