A recurring theme in my life lately seems to be how "lucky" our kids are (particularly in reference to our daughter) to be adopted into our family. I don't get this. I mean, yes, I realize that children are not meant to grow up in orphanages and need the love that a family offers. I realize all that. But people make comments to us about how lucky our kids are and what a great thing we are doing as if Brian and I are these self-less philanthropists out to free the world of injustice (or at least orphans.) In reality, we are selfish humans who are purely motivated by self-centered desires. We are not adopting our daughter, or any other children for that matter, to save a life. We are adopting our daughter because we want a daughter. We want to share our home with another child. We want our boys to have a sister, we want to know the love of both daughters and sons. Here all the "we's" in those sentences? That's because we came to the decision to add a child to our family motivated by our wishes and desires and those of our sons. We came to this point because we felt it would be a good thing for our family. Of course, the nice affect of our selfish motives is that an orphan does get to know the love of a family. Of course, I do hope that Mary Margaret will be blessed by the outcome of our selfish motivation to bring her into our family. I hope that this will be one of the best things to happen to her and I know that it will certainly change the trajectory of her life irrevocably. I know all those things and I am glad that this one thing we are doing to fulfill our own desires will have a positive impact on another human and hopefully the world in general. But honestly, it is us, our family, and Brian and I as a couple, who are blessed beyond reason and belief by the addition of each of these children to our lives. There is no other way to look at it, it's our blessing far more than it's theirs, to parent these little souls.
On my soapbox for a minute, I will tell you that as a Social Worker, I found that the people who did adopt out of a need to rescue someone were usually ill-advised. The only reason to adopt a child is that you desire to add a child to your family. People who approached adoption to fulfill a need to "rescue" a "pitiful" orphan, find that the high of humanitarian goodwill quickly fades when you are living with another person and they are dependent on you for every need. Once the person is actually "rescued", then the motivation is gone. It's always best to remember that the only reason to adopt is a desire to parent! I know there are always extenuating circumstances and I'm not saying that people who stumble upon adoption cannot make it work, but in general, if you don't have a desire to parent another little human, you should probably stick to writing checks to save the world, not adopting!
So, now that I'll step down off my soap box for a little soul-baring. I am really missing our daughter right now. I am starting to feel the pain of separation. I am starting to worry about her. I know that the baby home has done an excellent job of caring for her and they will continue to care for her. I am not worried about that. I am just wanting her here to be part of our family and experience all the fun we are having with our lazy summer days. I want her here laying around for lazy mornings and going to the pool for swim practice. I want to take her on the boat and have her in the backyard catching lightening bugs with her brothers. I want to be spending the summer getting to know her and having her get to know us.
Romans 8:24
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Anticipation
A friend posed the question tonight on our adoption support list if it was "normal" to be nervous about leaving the orphanage with your child. I remember from my days as a case worker that I was far more nervous about the families that weren't nervous than the families that were. Honestly, show me a family who has not a care in the world and I will show you a naive set of parents who are in for the shock of their lives. It's the worriers, the nervous, that I trust. They know enough to have their socks scared off them and this means they will prepare and they are at least somewhat aware of the change coming their way. Yes, it's "normal" and absolutely essential, to have some nerves if you have half a clue what you're getting yourself into.
You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.
But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!
But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.
Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!
Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.
You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.
But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!
But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.
Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!
Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Memorial Day
We leave for my mom's house today. Every Memorial Weekend we have "Festivus" where my siblings and I come home with our 10 collective kiddos since we don't get together at Christmas anymore. (My parents graciously travel to each of us at Christmas so that the kids can stay in their own beds on Christmas Eve night, but that's another story.)
Anyway, I know this weekend is about remembering those who gave their lives or fought for our freedom. I am also remembering the "Memorial Day" we saw in Russia. It was awesome how patriotic the Russians are and how they honor their veterans. I think the Americans could really take a lesson from the Russians on this count!
The other thing I am remembering right now though, is my daughter. There are several families who we've gotten to know in this process, who are leaving Russia from a great first week getting to meet their kids. They all posted on their blogs about their last visits, and this got me thinking about my lasts with my three Russian kiddos. When we left Jack, his caregiver told us not to be sad because he would feel that in his heart and he would carry the sadness. He was only 10 months old, so I doubt he was picking up on those cues, but nonetheless, it was a nice sentiment. And as it turns out, he is a very intuitive kid who does pick up on the slightest social nuance, so who knows. Anyway, I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel (1.5 hour drive.) It was 11 weeks before we saw our first child again!
With Liam, I really worried about him when we left him. Even though I knew he was in a good baby home, I was a mom at that point and knew the love of my son already. Also, he was very clingy. He would latch onto us the moment he saw us. We had trouble testing to see if he could walk because he didn't want to let go of us. He was 17 months old, so I knew he would likely be confused when we didn't come back for a while. It was a tough 11 weeks (again) until we could go and bring him home.
This time, our daughter was very comfortable in her surroundings and seems to love her caregivers. From that perspective, I feel good about how she is doing without us. But it's how we are doing without her that is hard. I was just sick on that last day thinking how senseless it was that I couldn't just leave with her. I know all the reasons why we have to make two (or three) trips, etc. I understand the process all too well. But it seems so unnecessary that she should have to stay there and suffer the love of a family while we gather papers. I wish the police department could feel some of this pain in my heart and HURRY up with those letters! The thing is, we are waiting for letters from the FPD saying that we haven't committed a crime in the last few months since our LAST letter of no record. I mean, I know it makes sense theoretically, but knowing that I am the last person who would intentionally commit a crime makes it seem a little over the top that my daughter has to wait for our police department to go do a background check on me. Since I've already had six of these letters done and no record has ever been found, it's unlikely that I'm going on a crime spree now, don't you think? Anyway, I think this might have been the hardest "leave" yet. Not only was I sad about leaving my daughter, I was sad for her brothers that they would have to wait longer to meet her (I knew this would be hard as they were sort of thinking maybe we'd bring her home.) I was also sad of all the things we will miss in her life while we are apart. I was sad that she wasn't here for the end of school festivities (pic-nics in the park, etc.) And now that summer is here, I am sad that she isn't here to visit my mom's with us this weekend and I could be showing her off to all my family! Lastly, I'm sad at the thought of leaving my boys again, this time for over a week, to go back and get her. I know it's all necessary. I understand the logic of it all. I really do want the Russian government to make sure these kids are going to good homes and protect their safety. I want all that. But the emotional side is not happy about it! :(
Happy Memorial Day!
Anyway, I know this weekend is about remembering those who gave their lives or fought for our freedom. I am also remembering the "Memorial Day" we saw in Russia. It was awesome how patriotic the Russians are and how they honor their veterans. I think the Americans could really take a lesson from the Russians on this count!
The other thing I am remembering right now though, is my daughter. There are several families who we've gotten to know in this process, who are leaving Russia from a great first week getting to meet their kids. They all posted on their blogs about their last visits, and this got me thinking about my lasts with my three Russian kiddos. When we left Jack, his caregiver told us not to be sad because he would feel that in his heart and he would carry the sadness. He was only 10 months old, so I doubt he was picking up on those cues, but nonetheless, it was a nice sentiment. And as it turns out, he is a very intuitive kid who does pick up on the slightest social nuance, so who knows. Anyway, I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel (1.5 hour drive.) It was 11 weeks before we saw our first child again!
With Liam, I really worried about him when we left him. Even though I knew he was in a good baby home, I was a mom at that point and knew the love of my son already. Also, he was very clingy. He would latch onto us the moment he saw us. We had trouble testing to see if he could walk because he didn't want to let go of us. He was 17 months old, so I knew he would likely be confused when we didn't come back for a while. It was a tough 11 weeks (again) until we could go and bring him home.
This time, our daughter was very comfortable in her surroundings and seems to love her caregivers. From that perspective, I feel good about how she is doing without us. But it's how we are doing without her that is hard. I was just sick on that last day thinking how senseless it was that I couldn't just leave with her. I know all the reasons why we have to make two (or three) trips, etc. I understand the process all too well. But it seems so unnecessary that she should have to stay there and suffer the love of a family while we gather papers. I wish the police department could feel some of this pain in my heart and HURRY up with those letters! The thing is, we are waiting for letters from the FPD saying that we haven't committed a crime in the last few months since our LAST letter of no record. I mean, I know it makes sense theoretically, but knowing that I am the last person who would intentionally commit a crime makes it seem a little over the top that my daughter has to wait for our police department to go do a background check on me. Since I've already had six of these letters done and no record has ever been found, it's unlikely that I'm going on a crime spree now, don't you think? Anyway, I think this might have been the hardest "leave" yet. Not only was I sad about leaving my daughter, I was sad for her brothers that they would have to wait longer to meet her (I knew this would be hard as they were sort of thinking maybe we'd bring her home.) I was also sad of all the things we will miss in her life while we are apart. I was sad that she wasn't here for the end of school festivities (pic-nics in the park, etc.) And now that summer is here, I am sad that she isn't here to visit my mom's with us this weekend and I could be showing her off to all my family! Lastly, I'm sad at the thought of leaving my boys again, this time for over a week, to go back and get her. I know it's all necessary. I understand the logic of it all. I really do want the Russian government to make sure these kids are going to good homes and protect their safety. I want all that. But the emotional side is not happy about it! :(
Happy Memorial Day!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Make way for Mary Margaret!
While waiting for our referral and first travel dates, I filled my time with things like stalking other people's blogs, looking at the Russian database, and generally feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a referral and travel date. I annoyed all my friends by being conversely down in the dumps and then a dump to be around because I was on the pity train way too much!
Now that we have a referral and have made our first trip to meet her, I am filling my time with what makes it seem more iminent that she will be home soon. I've packed and re-packed what I think I should bring for her to wear in Russia. I think I have decided on about ten outfits. Yes, I know, we'll probably only be there about six days, but still, a girl needs choices! I am in the very fun stage of packing, which is deciding which bow goes most perfectly with each outfit. I know I could take one white one and it would match everything, but I've waited eight years to put a bow in someone's hair, so this is no time for practicality! Accessories, accessories, accessories! I've folded the two cutest bibs (one a gift, one antique made by my grandmother) for her to wear not to mess up any outfits. And I will soon be looking for shoes to fit her small feet. :) Fun!
I thought you might like to see some of the outfits that I am bringing with me when I come back for her (I'm thinking positively that it's going to be soon.) It would be sooner if the TAX ASSESSOR would call me back so I could order my proof of residence.
Mark 10:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."
Now that we have a referral and have made our first trip to meet her, I am filling my time with what makes it seem more iminent that she will be home soon. I've packed and re-packed what I think I should bring for her to wear in Russia. I think I have decided on about ten outfits. Yes, I know, we'll probably only be there about six days, but still, a girl needs choices! I am in the very fun stage of packing, which is deciding which bow goes most perfectly with each outfit. I know I could take one white one and it would match everything, but I've waited eight years to put a bow in someone's hair, so this is no time for practicality! Accessories, accessories, accessories! I've folded the two cutest bibs (one a gift, one antique made by my grandmother) for her to wear not to mess up any outfits. And I will soon be looking for shoes to fit her small feet. :) Fun!
I thought you might like to see some of the outfits that I am bringing with me when I come back for her (I'm thinking positively that it's going to be soon.) It would be sooner if the TAX ASSESSOR would call me back so I could order my proof of residence.
Mark 10:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."
Monday, May 19, 2008
What a difference a day makes!
Yesterday, I was still recovering from jet lag. Yesterday, I was dragging around here like I would never have another ounce of energy and wondering how in the world I was going to get it together for a two week trip if this one week threw me for such a loop.
TODAY, however, I am FINALLY back to myself. I have been productive. I have not taken a nap. I have worked on adoption paperwork and finished all but two documents, both of which I am waiting on from county or city offices. Today, I am busy, and I am MISSING our Mary Margaret.
SO, a little retail therapy was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I bought her the cutest little outfits from a children's boutique here in town. Next, I got her the cutest pair of hot pink Mary Jane Crocs you've ever seen. We have a boat and we spend many days at the pool, so she will need these. (That's a bit of a joke because my husband says I have trouble telling the difference between a need and a want.)
Anyway, I'm back to blog stalking. I am following the journeys of four families who are currenlty in Russia. Two families are getting their referrals this week (one yesterday, one today) and you can read their stories by clicking the links on the right hand side of my blog. They are Carol and Lance, Becky and Keith, The Cravens, and Tiger and Kar. (Sorry, my technical skills have not yet conquered being able to add the link right here in the text.)
So, it really hit me like a wave today (while I was at the bank, I was showing her picture to all the tellers, as if they care) and it hit me that I am missing my little girl. I want her home with me. I knew it wouldn't take long before my "I'm okay, she's okay, we'll be together soon" turned into a "I'm dying to get back to her and is she really okay." And it happened today. Ten days to the day since we've seen her, I am wondering if she feels okay, is she sick, is she eating, is she doing new things, etc. etc. I am wondering if she is liking her new group (they moved her while we were there), and I am wondering if we'll get back to her in time for her to celebrate our middle son's birthday in June. Wouldn't it just be amazing if she was home for his birthday! He is the one boy who has been praying for this girl, his little sister, since before she was born. Literally, he started praying for her about two years ago. Every night he prays that God will bring him a little sister. I also have been praying for her for a very long time. Before she was born I was praying for her birth mother and hoping she was not suffering too much from the struggle of bearing a child she knew she couldn't provide for. I've been praying for her caregivers, the judge, the Ministry workers, and all the hands that have touched our dossier. So now that I have a face and a name, I'm praying even more that God is holding her in the palm of His righteous and able hand, until we can hold her in ours. Oh, how I hope and pray that He is keeping her safe and well for our return. And how I hope that day speeds toward us quickly!
So many times I have turned to the words of Habakkuk during this adoption. I feel like he is an old friend to me at this point and I so admire his faith and perserverance and determination. I take comfort and inspiration from his words. I'll leave you with some hopeful ones tonight, words of hope and a reminder that our time is not always God's timing. Though things seem too long in our minds, they arrive just at the appointed time on the Kingdom clock.
Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
TODAY, however, I am FINALLY back to myself. I have been productive. I have not taken a nap. I have worked on adoption paperwork and finished all but two documents, both of which I am waiting on from county or city offices. Today, I am busy, and I am MISSING our Mary Margaret.
SO, a little retail therapy was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I bought her the cutest little outfits from a children's boutique here in town. Next, I got her the cutest pair of hot pink Mary Jane Crocs you've ever seen. We have a boat and we spend many days at the pool, so she will need these. (That's a bit of a joke because my husband says I have trouble telling the difference between a need and a want.)
Anyway, I'm back to blog stalking. I am following the journeys of four families who are currenlty in Russia. Two families are getting their referrals this week (one yesterday, one today) and you can read their stories by clicking the links on the right hand side of my blog. They are Carol and Lance, Becky and Keith, The Cravens, and Tiger and Kar. (Sorry, my technical skills have not yet conquered being able to add the link right here in the text.)
So, it really hit me like a wave today (while I was at the bank, I was showing her picture to all the tellers, as if they care) and it hit me that I am missing my little girl. I want her home with me. I knew it wouldn't take long before my "I'm okay, she's okay, we'll be together soon" turned into a "I'm dying to get back to her and is she really okay." And it happened today. Ten days to the day since we've seen her, I am wondering if she feels okay, is she sick, is she eating, is she doing new things, etc. etc. I am wondering if she is liking her new group (they moved her while we were there), and I am wondering if we'll get back to her in time for her to celebrate our middle son's birthday in June. Wouldn't it just be amazing if she was home for his birthday! He is the one boy who has been praying for this girl, his little sister, since before she was born. Literally, he started praying for her about two years ago. Every night he prays that God will bring him a little sister. I also have been praying for her for a very long time. Before she was born I was praying for her birth mother and hoping she was not suffering too much from the struggle of bearing a child she knew she couldn't provide for. I've been praying for her caregivers, the judge, the Ministry workers, and all the hands that have touched our dossier. So now that I have a face and a name, I'm praying even more that God is holding her in the palm of His righteous and able hand, until we can hold her in ours. Oh, how I hope and pray that He is keeping her safe and well for our return. And how I hope that day speeds toward us quickly!
So many times I have turned to the words of Habakkuk during this adoption. I feel like he is an old friend to me at this point and I so admire his faith and perserverance and determination. I take comfort and inspiration from his words. I'll leave you with some hopeful ones tonight, words of hope and a reminder that our time is not always God's timing. Though things seem too long in our minds, they arrive just at the appointed time on the Kingdom clock.
Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
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