I want to thank all of you for your posts both on and off blog. I also want to say that the ones that mean the absolute most to me (and coincidentally are the entire reason I posted in the first place) are the ones that say someone was encouraged by my post or appreciated knowing they were "normal" or not alone in their experience. That's the whole and total reason I share the dirty details of a day in our life.
But now let me also say, because SO many of my friends and family (thank you so much) have been very concerned about Meg since I posted this. I want to tell you that 90% of our day is a very normal looking day for a family of six. Meg is an absolutely DELIGHTFUL child. She is fun, go with the flow, eager to learn and be a part of every thing that goes on here. She is daring, more and more every day she tries new things and tackles new words. She is happy and giggling and squealing and running and jumping and playing in the rain with her brothers and trying SO hard to ride a tricycle. She is learning sign language like nobodies business and just tonight she pulled out a new one on me (Help) which I had only shown her once, when she wanted me to cut a plum for her. So, the angry fits I described in the past post are a reality in our life. They break my heart. They make me realize we have further to go than I thought we did. BUT, they are not how we live our days. And in fact, I may have discovered the beginning of the end of the fits anyway.
As I mentioned I called my friend who is an attachment therapist (if you need one in the Nashville area, you are crazy if you don't call her... but you'll have to call me to get her number because she doesn't have a blog, though she should... but I digress... again.) Anyway, it so happened that on Wednesday I was in her office for some training on a whole separate issue unrelated to our adoption and after the training class was over she said she had about ten minutes and for me to write down some games for Meg from her Thera Play book. The games are fun, but that wasn't the progress. I told her that I thought I had discovered the way to remove Meg's "power" when she hits me and she patted me on the back as if she had been waiting a very long time for me to realize that this was the correct path, young Jedi. And that is that I TOTALLY ignore it. I don't acknowledge it in any way, other than I am sure I flinch sometimes because she can get a good whack in. I don't talk about it, I don't look at her, I don't look like anything even happened. The fit is immediately diffused. We have been doing this since Wednesday and she has stopped hitting so much. Also, when she does hit, she usually will hit me two, maybe three times and when it gets no reaction, she tries to get a laugh out of me by pulling my hair over my eyes, playing peek-a-boo, or making a funny face. When she does that, we laugh together and move on. Like I said, the hitting has decreased dramatically, so instead of 25 times a day she's smacking me and we are going through the whole "reconnection" dance, now I think we had two times today when she hit me and both of them were after 7:00 (past her bedtime because we were at Jack's baseball game) and she was hungry because the ham and cheese she had at 5:30 had left her and she was signing "eat" over and over.) So I think in this circumstance, all she knew to do to get her point across was whack me. But even then, when I didn't react, she moved on. So I am sure, like everything else, just when I have a little success, we'll take two steps backward, but for the past two days, we've made great strides toward a less violent expression of anger. If you saw us together as a family or she and I one on one you would never think anything was wrong.
I do, however, keep reminding myself that even though she isn't hitting me, she is still not used to being reconnected with after a "rupture" in a relationship. So I do have to keep making sure that I consciously reconnect even if she seems fine. More times than not, she is so sad when I tell her no, and it's like it has just hurt her last feeling.
So, now that we're clear on how wonderful, perfect, precious, beautiful, and absolutely delightful my daughter is, you can all feel free to agree with me in some more comments! :)
And oh, yeah, I am so excited to be "bumping into" other bloggers that are in Nashville that I didn't know about. How exciting! :)
And another Oh Yeah, I got my new, fabulous ERGO baby Carrier in the mail this week. If you don't have one and if you are adopting or if you are a baby wearer, please do yourself a HUGE favor and get this thing. It's AMAZING!!!! I have terrible back pains when I wear my old carrier and Meg was not fitting right in the sling (maybe too tall??) but the Ergo is AMAZING! Did I say that already? I wore Meg through an entire 1.5 hour PTO meeting, standing 90% of the meeting. She actually fell asleep in front of 35 women with me talking to the group, that's how secure she felt in it. And my back never had a pain. When I took her off and into her car seat, I wasn't sweaty, my back didn't ache and I was happy to have gotten through the meeting without incident. So.... two thumbs up for the Ergo! :)
God is GOOD all the time!
Psalm 71:5
"For you have been my hope, O Sovereighn Lord, my confidence since my youth."
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Her precious broken heart....
Meg's heart is broken. I didn't realize how broken it was because she was holding it together pretty well for a little sprite. But it's broken and now that she is starting to realize I'm here for good, she's lettin' it all hang out. I will caution you, this post is not for the faint of heart. Mom, you might want to stop reading now because I might really freak you out, but here goes.
Meg has regressed a bit in her behavior. This is totally normal. I know all the text-book answers to why this is happening. I have seen the diagrams and illustrations on attachment theory, etc. etc. etc. I have even attended classes as a social worker on counseling families on attachment parenting, etc. But when you see a little bitty heart that is YOUR heart, YOUR daughter, and it's broken and you can't "fix" it, then it's really sad. Anyway, regression is normal. It's like any normal developmental stage, you learn a skill and then you might regress just a little while you're figuring out how to utilize that skill. I didn't freak out too much when she started rejecting Brian on Thursday of last week. I know these things ebb and flow. I know that she is hitting more, but that too will just take time, after all, it's only been about six weeks. However, I put my foot down today when she started scratching and clawing at my face with a mournful cry that was primal and terrifying. I was not going to let myself go on in the idea that it's normal when it's that deep. So I called my friend, Marianne, who is one of the best attachment therapists in our area, and she just happens to be one of my dearest friends. She is truly an ANGEL that God sent into my life before we ever adopted because He knew I was going to need her for a very long time. I can't tell you what this woman has brought me through in the ten years I've known her, I owe her a huge debt. But anyway, back to today.
Marianne explained to me that although Meg has been corrected, there has never been a reconnection after the correction. She was told No, or whatever, and then left to get over it whether she liked it or not. She had to figure out how to regulate those emotions on her own. Now that I am trying to reconnect with her after a correction, she doesn't know what to do with the emotion it brings out in her. So, it goes like this: Meg does something (marking on the walls, hitting the TV, hitting me, hitting her brother, trying to get candy, etc. etc.) and I very gently say, "Let's do X instead." I try not to say "no" because I know that just immediately sends her into a puddle of tears. So she throws herself on the floor and cries. I go to her to try to calm her and I pick her up. She hits me. I take her hand and tell her "gentle touch" and try to rub her hand on my face (which I have been doing for weeks and she usually smiles, rubs my face, and all is well again.) This time she grabs my hair and pulls very hard. I don't react, I just take her hand back to my face and say, "Nice touch." She scratches the heck out of my face and grabs for another handful of skin. I put her in the baby hold position and just gently sway with her, shushing and rubbing her face and hands and hair and softly telling her it's okay, Mommy loves her, etc. etc. etc. She is crying this terrified mournful cry like she is lost on the ocean or something. My heart is absolutely breaking for her.
So of course, I start to think of all the things I have done that were probably too much for her. I shouldn't have let my neighbor hold her during the PTO meeting. I shouldn't let the neighborhood girls come and play with her, I should play with her more and on and on. I called Marianne... what should I do?
Marianne is truly a God-send. First, she tells me that I'm not exactly approaching it right. Marianne has this great way of saying, "That's okay, but next time you might try.... " She says that I should usually be the one to initiate the "repair", but I don't need to pick her up. I need to go sit near her with my arms out and softly ask her to come to me. She said that I should let her have her blanket (her preferred item of comfort) during the episode, with the goal that I will eventually be the replacement for the blanket, but until then, she needs the thing that has helped her calm herself in the past. I should just sit with her until she is calm enough and ready to come to me.
So, tonight we have another episode, very similar to the one in the afternoon that sent me calling my personal 911 (because I told her it was time for bed and we couldn't draw anymore.) This time, I handled it totally differently. I was already holding her because I had started toward her room. She started pulling my hair and scratching at me and sobbing. I tried to kiss her hands and she scratched my lower eye-lid (pretty good too.) This time, I immediately got her blanket and sat down in the rocker with her. She was still sobbing, but she put the blanket up to her face, like she always does when she's sleepy, nervous, etc. etc. and within less than two minutes, she took her finger and started rubbing my lips. (Not her whole hand because she couldn't let go of the blanket.) But I took this as a sign that she was calm enough to meet me in the repair instead of me having to force the repair on her.
Yesterday, when I tried to reconnect, she didn't have her blanket and I held her and rocked her, but she was crying so hard that she gagged several times. I think this was somewhat for dramatic affect because she would always look at me to see how I would react. I would just say, "It's okay, if you need to throw up, I'll be here to help you when it's over." She ended up crying herself to sleep in my arms, which I think was partly just to escape the whole scene, she just shut down. I held her and rocked her for a long time afterwards with her doing the after-cry snivel. It was a sweet moment, but a difficult moment too. However, that was yesterday.
Today, the disconnects were much shorter and the one where I allowed her to have her blanket was almost no time, less than five minutes, I'd say. And she was rubbing my lip and whispering to me and it was precious. Marianne says the goal is for her to need me and not the blanket, eventually, but that right now, all the feelings and emotions she is experiencing are overwhelming to her and that is the one thing that is comfortable so I don't want to take that away from her. She has about ten of these little silky blankets and I've finally had to start limiting how many she can carry around because she would keep them all with her. I finally made her one that is about the size of a 4x6 photo that she can take anywhere she goes.
Anyway, why am I posting all this? I don't want to scare any of you who are in the process of your adoption. I don't want to freak out my neighbors or my friends and family. But I am posting this because there have been alot of posts out there about the need to be the primary caregiver, the need for family and friends to give space, etc. etc. etc. But no one that I have seen has been this descript about what it actually looks like when those things aren't done. People make the comment that she seems to be so well attached, she knows who mommy is, etc. Not really. As another blogger said, "she's comfortable" with me. She doesn't really know I'm Mommy in the same sense we think of Mommy because she has no reference for what a mommy is. She doesn't know for sure that I am going to be here day after tomorrow, which is one reason the fits are getting more violent, she cares more now whether I stay or go and that is a scary feeling to someone so little and so out of control of every single thing in her life. So, this is the honest, bare truth of what a tenuous attachment looks like. It's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. It's not a cookie cutter, some kids attachment issues look totally different. It's certainly something we can and WILL work through! She will attach to us. She will be in a totally different state of mind this time next year. But she is not as far along as I thought she was. And I am, of course, now rethinking the whole mother's day out thing. This is laying it all out there for you all to see. It's with the hope that it's helpful for someone whose reading, not to scare anyone away from adoption or trying to befriend our sweet Meg.
The good news is that I asked Marianne if I shouldn't let anyone else pick her up, etc. and to my surprise, she said it was fine. That as long as others weren't taking on a caregiver roll, it was okay to let her sit in the lap of a friend or play with the girls in the neighborhood. So that is actually a relief to me because I need the break that this allows. It's harder to do this attachment parenting thing with three other kids and sometimes it's a necessity that Meg be able to sit in Sonja's lap while I go tend to a task with another child, etc.
Attachment is not something that happens in six weeks, or even fully in six months. In some ways, all our kids are constantly deepening and changing their attachments to us. A third grader certainly has different trust needs than those of a two year old, so this is something that will evolve through the years. However, for now, we know Meg's little heart is broken. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep, I just asked God to heal her. I asked Him to make her whole and allow her to love and trust us. I asked Him to fulfill in her everything that He knows she can be. And I told her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her first 19 months of life. I am so sorry that she was left. I am so sorry that her mother wasn't able to care for her and that meant she had to figure it out on her own and be in control of herself way too early in life. This shouldn't happen to anyone. But, I also told her that my life and hers were both aligned to allow us to find one another. I had set out five years ago to adopt a daughter when I found out we were expecting Connor. That was all because Connor was supposed to be part of our life, but also because Meg was too! I know that God had a very specific plan for bringing us together with this precious little soul. And I know He is not going to leave His work incomplete in her. He will perfect her in His perfect way!
Please please please know that we are fine. I am fine! I am not in shock, I am not distraught. I am heartbroken for my daughter, but I am also privileged to be the one God has chosen to walk her through this. This is not a surprise to me and it's not scary to me. I have a peace. I know what needs to be done and I am able and ready to do it. That's the blessing of it all. I have the experience and the resources we need and God provided that all before we needed it. Again, I only share this story so that if you are a blog stalker, like me, you can read this post... then you can go read Adrienne, or Melissa, or Susan and know what precipitates those bonding posts. I don't have all the answers, I have hardly any answers. I do things wrong every day. But I do some things right too. And as long as I get more things right than wrong, we're all going to get out of this boat on the other side of the storm and realize we've arrived just where we were supposed to be! If you find yourself wanting to do something helpful, stop and say a prayer. Pray that God will heal Meg's heart, but also that he will protect every little heart left behind and give them something in reserve for when they need it. Ask Him to heal every child who has already been adopted and give us and all the other parents the patience, love and answers we need to make it right for these little ones who so deserve it to be spot on!
It's a two-verse kind of day:
Psalm 22:24
"For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."
Nahum 1:7
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."
Meg has regressed a bit in her behavior. This is totally normal. I know all the text-book answers to why this is happening. I have seen the diagrams and illustrations on attachment theory, etc. etc. etc. I have even attended classes as a social worker on counseling families on attachment parenting, etc. But when you see a little bitty heart that is YOUR heart, YOUR daughter, and it's broken and you can't "fix" it, then it's really sad. Anyway, regression is normal. It's like any normal developmental stage, you learn a skill and then you might regress just a little while you're figuring out how to utilize that skill. I didn't freak out too much when she started rejecting Brian on Thursday of last week. I know these things ebb and flow. I know that she is hitting more, but that too will just take time, after all, it's only been about six weeks. However, I put my foot down today when she started scratching and clawing at my face with a mournful cry that was primal and terrifying. I was not going to let myself go on in the idea that it's normal when it's that deep. So I called my friend, Marianne, who is one of the best attachment therapists in our area, and she just happens to be one of my dearest friends. She is truly an ANGEL that God sent into my life before we ever adopted because He knew I was going to need her for a very long time. I can't tell you what this woman has brought me through in the ten years I've known her, I owe her a huge debt. But anyway, back to today.
Marianne explained to me that although Meg has been corrected, there has never been a reconnection after the correction. She was told No, or whatever, and then left to get over it whether she liked it or not. She had to figure out how to regulate those emotions on her own. Now that I am trying to reconnect with her after a correction, she doesn't know what to do with the emotion it brings out in her. So, it goes like this: Meg does something (marking on the walls, hitting the TV, hitting me, hitting her brother, trying to get candy, etc. etc.) and I very gently say, "Let's do X instead." I try not to say "no" because I know that just immediately sends her into a puddle of tears. So she throws herself on the floor and cries. I go to her to try to calm her and I pick her up. She hits me. I take her hand and tell her "gentle touch" and try to rub her hand on my face (which I have been doing for weeks and she usually smiles, rubs my face, and all is well again.) This time she grabs my hair and pulls very hard. I don't react, I just take her hand back to my face and say, "Nice touch." She scratches the heck out of my face and grabs for another handful of skin. I put her in the baby hold position and just gently sway with her, shushing and rubbing her face and hands and hair and softly telling her it's okay, Mommy loves her, etc. etc. etc. She is crying this terrified mournful cry like she is lost on the ocean or something. My heart is absolutely breaking for her.
So of course, I start to think of all the things I have done that were probably too much for her. I shouldn't have let my neighbor hold her during the PTO meeting. I shouldn't let the neighborhood girls come and play with her, I should play with her more and on and on. I called Marianne... what should I do?
Marianne is truly a God-send. First, she tells me that I'm not exactly approaching it right. Marianne has this great way of saying, "That's okay, but next time you might try.... " She says that I should usually be the one to initiate the "repair", but I don't need to pick her up. I need to go sit near her with my arms out and softly ask her to come to me. She said that I should let her have her blanket (her preferred item of comfort) during the episode, with the goal that I will eventually be the replacement for the blanket, but until then, she needs the thing that has helped her calm herself in the past. I should just sit with her until she is calm enough and ready to come to me.
So, tonight we have another episode, very similar to the one in the afternoon that sent me calling my personal 911 (because I told her it was time for bed and we couldn't draw anymore.) This time, I handled it totally differently. I was already holding her because I had started toward her room. She started pulling my hair and scratching at me and sobbing. I tried to kiss her hands and she scratched my lower eye-lid (pretty good too.) This time, I immediately got her blanket and sat down in the rocker with her. She was still sobbing, but she put the blanket up to her face, like she always does when she's sleepy, nervous, etc. etc. and within less than two minutes, she took her finger and started rubbing my lips. (Not her whole hand because she couldn't let go of the blanket.) But I took this as a sign that she was calm enough to meet me in the repair instead of me having to force the repair on her.
Yesterday, when I tried to reconnect, she didn't have her blanket and I held her and rocked her, but she was crying so hard that she gagged several times. I think this was somewhat for dramatic affect because she would always look at me to see how I would react. I would just say, "It's okay, if you need to throw up, I'll be here to help you when it's over." She ended up crying herself to sleep in my arms, which I think was partly just to escape the whole scene, she just shut down. I held her and rocked her for a long time afterwards with her doing the after-cry snivel. It was a sweet moment, but a difficult moment too. However, that was yesterday.
Today, the disconnects were much shorter and the one where I allowed her to have her blanket was almost no time, less than five minutes, I'd say. And she was rubbing my lip and whispering to me and it was precious. Marianne says the goal is for her to need me and not the blanket, eventually, but that right now, all the feelings and emotions she is experiencing are overwhelming to her and that is the one thing that is comfortable so I don't want to take that away from her. She has about ten of these little silky blankets and I've finally had to start limiting how many she can carry around because she would keep them all with her. I finally made her one that is about the size of a 4x6 photo that she can take anywhere she goes.
Anyway, why am I posting all this? I don't want to scare any of you who are in the process of your adoption. I don't want to freak out my neighbors or my friends and family. But I am posting this because there have been alot of posts out there about the need to be the primary caregiver, the need for family and friends to give space, etc. etc. etc. But no one that I have seen has been this descript about what it actually looks like when those things aren't done. People make the comment that she seems to be so well attached, she knows who mommy is, etc. Not really. As another blogger said, "she's comfortable" with me. She doesn't really know I'm Mommy in the same sense we think of Mommy because she has no reference for what a mommy is. She doesn't know for sure that I am going to be here day after tomorrow, which is one reason the fits are getting more violent, she cares more now whether I stay or go and that is a scary feeling to someone so little and so out of control of every single thing in her life. So, this is the honest, bare truth of what a tenuous attachment looks like. It's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. It's not a cookie cutter, some kids attachment issues look totally different. It's certainly something we can and WILL work through! She will attach to us. She will be in a totally different state of mind this time next year. But she is not as far along as I thought she was. And I am, of course, now rethinking the whole mother's day out thing. This is laying it all out there for you all to see. It's with the hope that it's helpful for someone whose reading, not to scare anyone away from adoption or trying to befriend our sweet Meg.
The good news is that I asked Marianne if I shouldn't let anyone else pick her up, etc. and to my surprise, she said it was fine. That as long as others weren't taking on a caregiver roll, it was okay to let her sit in the lap of a friend or play with the girls in the neighborhood. So that is actually a relief to me because I need the break that this allows. It's harder to do this attachment parenting thing with three other kids and sometimes it's a necessity that Meg be able to sit in Sonja's lap while I go tend to a task with another child, etc.
Attachment is not something that happens in six weeks, or even fully in six months. In some ways, all our kids are constantly deepening and changing their attachments to us. A third grader certainly has different trust needs than those of a two year old, so this is something that will evolve through the years. However, for now, we know Meg's little heart is broken. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep, I just asked God to heal her. I asked Him to make her whole and allow her to love and trust us. I asked Him to fulfill in her everything that He knows she can be. And I told her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her first 19 months of life. I am so sorry that she was left. I am so sorry that her mother wasn't able to care for her and that meant she had to figure it out on her own and be in control of herself way too early in life. This shouldn't happen to anyone. But, I also told her that my life and hers were both aligned to allow us to find one another. I had set out five years ago to adopt a daughter when I found out we were expecting Connor. That was all because Connor was supposed to be part of our life, but also because Meg was too! I know that God had a very specific plan for bringing us together with this precious little soul. And I know He is not going to leave His work incomplete in her. He will perfect her in His perfect way!
Please please please know that we are fine. I am fine! I am not in shock, I am not distraught. I am heartbroken for my daughter, but I am also privileged to be the one God has chosen to walk her through this. This is not a surprise to me and it's not scary to me. I have a peace. I know what needs to be done and I am able and ready to do it. That's the blessing of it all. I have the experience and the resources we need and God provided that all before we needed it. Again, I only share this story so that if you are a blog stalker, like me, you can read this post... then you can go read Adrienne, or Melissa, or Susan and know what precipitates those bonding posts. I don't have all the answers, I have hardly any answers. I do things wrong every day. But I do some things right too. And as long as I get more things right than wrong, we're all going to get out of this boat on the other side of the storm and realize we've arrived just where we were supposed to be! If you find yourself wanting to do something helpful, stop and say a prayer. Pray that God will heal Meg's heart, but also that he will protect every little heart left behind and give them something in reserve for when they need it. Ask Him to heal every child who has already been adopted and give us and all the other parents the patience, love and answers we need to make it right for these little ones who so deserve it to be spot on!
It's a two-verse kind of day:
Psalm 22:24
"For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."
Nahum 1:7
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Soap Box Expedition, pardon the divergence!
Okay, I have to get on my soap box here for a minute. It's adoption related, but a bit of a rant, so read at your own risk and please don't bother to slam me because this is my story and I'm sticking to it! :) Just talk amongst yourselves while I rave for a moment!
I subscribe to a magazine called "Real Simple". I subscribed to it, trying to break away from my traditional "Southern Living" and do something new and different. I have to be honest and say that I haven't been all that into it, I miss my sweet tea embellished recipes and fall centerpieces, but anyway, live and learn. But the other day, I get a "special issue" of Real Simple in the mail called, "Real Simple Family." Looks like it might be a good one, sleep tips, healthy cookie recipes, etc. etc. until I notice the highlighted "EXCLUSIVE" on the front that says "Barrack Obama on raising his two happy girls." Okay, fine... you can do a story for a family magazing on Barrack Obama and his 2 happy girls... who were raised in a homogenous family (two parents who are married, wealthy, and look exactly like them makes them pretty "average" in my book) and how hard it must be to be "happy" when you are raised with such privilege. (Would this be a good time to mention that McCain has four kiddos?) But please, do NOT insult me by not offering the colorful story of the McCain's parenting and family stories, after all, they are a blended family (from two separate marriages, more the American norm these days) AND a multi-cultural/multi-racial family formed through ADOPTION! I can't personally believe the adoption community is not up in arms over the fact that there is so little play on the McCain's adoption. Folks, we have a chance to have an INTERNATIONALLY adopted child in the White House. I wonder when there was even last an adopted child in the White House, but I know for sure there hasn't been an internationally adopted child. Talk about gaining support. I found an article where McCain talks about the need to make the adoption process easier and more do-able for more kids to find homes (click the title of this post for a link to the article.) Where are our adoption advocates on this? Where are the masses of the adoption community (both domestic and international) lauding him and using this opportunity to get some much needed press for the need for adoption? Why aren't people out in masses showing this family as a living example of the benefits of pro-life societies? Why aren't we parading faces of kiddos in foster care and numbers of babies in world-wide orphanages in front of this major international stage?
I know, I know, it's easy for me, a staunchly pro-life white, middle class woman, to find reasons to applaud the McCains. Don't even start telling me all the stuff that makes them "the enemy." I know all the bad stuff about the embellished truths, etc. etc. My point is not VOTE FOR JOHN McCAIN... my point is, we have a huge opportunity here to exploit the situation. This is perhaps the highest profile international adoption family of our time at the moment (I know we have Madonna and Angelina, but those are hardly "mainstream" stories.) I know McCain's story isn't mainstream either, but he also didn't waltz into an orphanage and pick out the healthiest child and go home with her. His wife found two sick and possibly dying kids and gave them homes and hope. Not quite like the A-list adoption stories you'll get when you look at the celebs. Here's a child in a Bangladesh orphanage, cleft palate, and little chance at survival. Here's her orphanage-mate with a heart condition, both needing surgery, and Cindi McCain brings them home and who among us in the adoption community can't relate to how that must have felt!
Okay, so I am cancelling my subscription to Real Simple. I'm writing the letter to their editor, Kristin van Ogtrop asking her to please consider the opporunity at diversity that she overlooked in not giving equal time here. I am telling her that I am cancelling my subscription to her magazine and encouraging all my adoptive family friends to do the same. So, that's what I'm doing through this post. I am asking you to consider writing a letter to Real Simple, cancel your subscription if you have one, and let them know that we value adoptive parents and want to hear their stories. Interesting that the only real articles I could find about their adoption were from more obscure sources... there are mainstream pieces that mention the adoption, but not stories about the adoption. I think this is a great time to refer to the title verse of this site!
James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained by the world."
I subscribe to a magazine called "Real Simple". I subscribed to it, trying to break away from my traditional "Southern Living" and do something new and different. I have to be honest and say that I haven't been all that into it, I miss my sweet tea embellished recipes and fall centerpieces, but anyway, live and learn. But the other day, I get a "special issue" of Real Simple in the mail called, "Real Simple Family." Looks like it might be a good one, sleep tips, healthy cookie recipes, etc. etc. until I notice the highlighted "EXCLUSIVE" on the front that says "Barrack Obama on raising his two happy girls." Okay, fine... you can do a story for a family magazing on Barrack Obama and his 2 happy girls... who were raised in a homogenous family (two parents who are married, wealthy, and look exactly like them makes them pretty "average" in my book) and how hard it must be to be "happy" when you are raised with such privilege. (Would this be a good time to mention that McCain has four kiddos?) But please, do NOT insult me by not offering the colorful story of the McCain's parenting and family stories, after all, they are a blended family (from two separate marriages, more the American norm these days) AND a multi-cultural/multi-racial family formed through ADOPTION! I can't personally believe the adoption community is not up in arms over the fact that there is so little play on the McCain's adoption. Folks, we have a chance to have an INTERNATIONALLY adopted child in the White House. I wonder when there was even last an adopted child in the White House, but I know for sure there hasn't been an internationally adopted child. Talk about gaining support. I found an article where McCain talks about the need to make the adoption process easier and more do-able for more kids to find homes (click the title of this post for a link to the article.) Where are our adoption advocates on this? Where are the masses of the adoption community (both domestic and international) lauding him and using this opportunity to get some much needed press for the need for adoption? Why aren't people out in masses showing this family as a living example of the benefits of pro-life societies? Why aren't we parading faces of kiddos in foster care and numbers of babies in world-wide orphanages in front of this major international stage?
I know, I know, it's easy for me, a staunchly pro-life white, middle class woman, to find reasons to applaud the McCains. Don't even start telling me all the stuff that makes them "the enemy." I know all the bad stuff about the embellished truths, etc. etc. My point is not VOTE FOR JOHN McCAIN... my point is, we have a huge opportunity here to exploit the situation. This is perhaps the highest profile international adoption family of our time at the moment (I know we have Madonna and Angelina, but those are hardly "mainstream" stories.) I know McCain's story isn't mainstream either, but he also didn't waltz into an orphanage and pick out the healthiest child and go home with her. His wife found two sick and possibly dying kids and gave them homes and hope. Not quite like the A-list adoption stories you'll get when you look at the celebs. Here's a child in a Bangladesh orphanage, cleft palate, and little chance at survival. Here's her orphanage-mate with a heart condition, both needing surgery, and Cindi McCain brings them home and who among us in the adoption community can't relate to how that must have felt!
Okay, so I am cancelling my subscription to Real Simple. I'm writing the letter to their editor, Kristin van Ogtrop asking her to please consider the opporunity at diversity that she overlooked in not giving equal time here. I am telling her that I am cancelling my subscription to her magazine and encouraging all my adoptive family friends to do the same. So, that's what I'm doing through this post. I am asking you to consider writing a letter to Real Simple, cancel your subscription if you have one, and let them know that we value adoptive parents and want to hear their stories. Interesting that the only real articles I could find about their adoption were from more obscure sources... there are mainstream pieces that mention the adoption, but not stories about the adoption. I think this is a great time to refer to the title verse of this site!
James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained by the world."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Reality Check
Well, speak it and God will prove you wrong! Seriously, at almost 40 with four kids, I must be the most clueless person on the planet. I still have SO much to learn.
Today we had a little reality check, which sent me searching for a more comfortable sling or carrier that won't break the bank. But if I don't find another alternative in the next couple of days, I'm splurging for the Ergo carrier everyone raves about.
First, let me just veer off the subject for a nano-sec... Sister got a haircut at Sweet and Sassy and she looks so much cuter without the mullet. See photos for proof! :)
Anyway, today, Meg started the smacking routine almost as soon as she woke up. So I had had it, really, I was just done with it and didn't know how in the world to get my point across that I wasn't kidding about "nice hands." So, I was too firm with her and she cried for thirty minutes. But that wasn't the reality check. The reality check came when she tried to "reconnect" with me on HER terms. I made the initial reconnection attempt by kissing her hands and rubbing her face softly. She would not let me touch her hands. She pulled away from me. So I put her in the baby sling and held her very close. I got out some food to try to feed her face to face, but she refused all attempts. Then she grabbed my nose, made a funny noise and said, "Nose." So my heart did a little flip, realizing that she was trying to control the reconnection and make it on her terms. She was rejecting my terms of reconnection, most likely from fear of rejection and from experience at controlling the situation around her. I kept her in the carrier until she allowed me to kiss and rub her hands and she allowed me to hand feed her grapes. And until she genuinely wanted down to play, not just to get away from me.
It was a very good reality check for me. I was cruising along thinking things were really settling in so much quicker than I thought. And then the mack truck of attachment hits me from behind and reminds me that we have SO far to go. We have not arrived at our destination, we haven't even stopped for our first real refill. We just had a pic-nic at a lovely little rest stop, but now we're back on the road again and we're all the wiser because we're rested up and we know the work we have ahead of us.
I post this because I want to say that there are SO many little subtle signs that might not mean much to most parents, but to post adoptive parents, they are everything! We are hyper sensitive because we MUST be! Bare with us while we readjust!
"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21
Today we had a little reality check, which sent me searching for a more comfortable sling or carrier that won't break the bank. But if I don't find another alternative in the next couple of days, I'm splurging for the Ergo carrier everyone raves about.
First, let me just veer off the subject for a nano-sec... Sister got a haircut at Sweet and Sassy and she looks so much cuter without the mullet. See photos for proof! :)
Anyway, today, Meg started the smacking routine almost as soon as she woke up. So I had had it, really, I was just done with it and didn't know how in the world to get my point across that I wasn't kidding about "nice hands." So, I was too firm with her and she cried for thirty minutes. But that wasn't the reality check. The reality check came when she tried to "reconnect" with me on HER terms. I made the initial reconnection attempt by kissing her hands and rubbing her face softly. She would not let me touch her hands. She pulled away from me. So I put her in the baby sling and held her very close. I got out some food to try to feed her face to face, but she refused all attempts. Then she grabbed my nose, made a funny noise and said, "Nose." So my heart did a little flip, realizing that she was trying to control the reconnection and make it on her terms. She was rejecting my terms of reconnection, most likely from fear of rejection and from experience at controlling the situation around her. I kept her in the carrier until she allowed me to kiss and rub her hands and she allowed me to hand feed her grapes. And until she genuinely wanted down to play, not just to get away from me.
It was a very good reality check for me. I was cruising along thinking things were really settling in so much quicker than I thought. And then the mack truck of attachment hits me from behind and reminds me that we have SO far to go. We have not arrived at our destination, we haven't even stopped for our first real refill. We just had a pic-nic at a lovely little rest stop, but now we're back on the road again and we're all the wiser because we're rested up and we know the work we have ahead of us.
I post this because I want to say that there are SO many little subtle signs that might not mean much to most parents, but to post adoptive parents, they are everything! We are hyper sensitive because we MUST be! Bare with us while we readjust!
"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21
Monday, August 18, 2008
Give me one perfect child and six weeks....
Brian and I have always had this little running joke that our children start their first year of life in baby bootcamp. It's not a very delicate "joke", but truthfully, the ladies at the baby home know how to regiment and regulate a life. How else can you explain that a one year old will follow along perfectly on cue when there are 12 toddlers and two caregivers. Let's face it, we have two adults in this house and one third the number of children and we can't accomplish half the routine those ladies have mastered. Anyway, it never takes us long to totally ruin any positive work the Russians have done with our children. Give us a week or two with any kid and we can really "ruin their discipline." (The ladies at Meg's baby home asked us not to play with the children on our third day there because we were "ruining their discipline." I thought to myself, lady, you don't know the half of it.) Anyway... digress digress digress. My point is (and yes, I do have one) that Meg came to us this well behaved little diva (I say diva because from day one she would turn the tears on like a faucet if she heard the word "no".) who would eat any food presented to her, didn't like cold beverages of any type and don't even consider giving her a Coke to a child who now refuses food left and right. Blueberries were her favorite yesterday (and every day before that) but now she refuses them. She will sometimes eat a banana or an apple, but she prefers CHEESE. Just plain old sliced, processed cheese. She used to beg for yogurt every morning for breakfast, now she wants her dairy in the form of a YO-GO! Go figure! Ugh! And to top it off, sister drank the better part of my medium Coke this morning from Sonic. Okay, I will share just about anything in my world with any of my kids... but don't mess with Mama's caffeine, I NEED IT!!! Do you think that the 11:00 Coke explains why she wouldn't sleep for the entire two hours she spent in her crib from 1:00 to 3:00? Maybe. Anyway, how does this happen? I say to myself every time that we adopt that I am not going to ruin this one. I am not going to feed them the junk the rest of my kids like and I am not going to let them become picky eaters. But it's just so fun to watch them explore new tastes. But, how did she start liking my ice cold Cokes with the Sonic ice? And can someone explain to me how sissy sassy decided that hitting everyone who does not obey her every whim became a good idea in her mind? Seriously, how many times a day can a mother say, "No hitting, nice touch, gentle hands, etc. etc. etc." I mean, I know that time out is absolutely pointless at this point in her bonding and attachment (probably counter-pointless), and I know that smacking a child's hand and saying "don't hit" is about as moronic as hitting in the first place (plus, duh, I would not smack her hand anyway, she has only been home six weeks, but even if she was born to me, I just don't get why people think hitting your kid for hitting ever made any sense??? I just couldn't ever make that scenario work in my head.) Anyway, the smacking thing is out of control. She must have drawn back to hit me 30 times today and she hit just about everyone else that came within smacking range too. Maybe it was too much caffeine. The other thing she does that would be funny if I wasn't always so doggone worried about bonding is that if anyone says the word "no" in her presence, she dissolves into tears and runs the other direction or throws herself onto the floor in a puddle and performs the most pitiful act you've ever seen in your life. Is this regular girl drama? I mean, people, you should see the Academy performances. But of course, I have to "reconnect" so I figure out a way to make it safe for her to come back. I am trying to repeat the words of our "attachment counselor" in my head over and over. The funny thing is, the attachment counselor isn't even for her, but it all applies to her. Sort of convenient that I am taking this Parent Child Interaction training right now while I happen to be trying to attach to a child. (I’m a “test subject” for my friend who is making a training video, etc. etc. etc… long story you don’t’ care to hear about.)
One thing I can imagine is adding to the drama level around here is that there are about five neighbors who's children live to follow Meg around and cater to her every whim. Seriously, I think the girl is probably beginning to think she has been made the queen of Egypt or something. I have these two or three SWEET neighbor girls who just literally follow Meg around and ooh and ahh over her. They are the sweetest children and I love having them here because she is getting attention and I can actually fold a basket of laundry with two hands (usually one of them is holding her on my hip.) But I think it's giving the girl a goddess complex. :) It's okay, she seriously deserves it. I mean, to think where she was to where she is now and I can't help but spoil the little angel. Oh, how blessed we are, smacking hands and all! :)
I have been really struggling lately with how to combine my two blogs. The boys have their own blog too, you know. I'm adding a link to it over there on the right hand side. But anyway, it just seems silly that there are two. I have this whole other life that most readers of this blog don't even know about. It involves three fourths of my children. That's 75% of my time that goes unheralded by me in my widest circle of "cyber friends" as my "real life friend" Amie calls you guys! :) Anyway, I still haven't figured out how I can have a PINK ON PINK blog with a bunch of pictures of dirty boys on it. And there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going generic with this thing. Plus, that might just be too confusing to have to switch the name around. My other blog is ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. That makes alot more sense than having the boys all pile into Mary Margaret Maybe.
Well, ramble ramble ramble... just ignore me while I have a moment to myself here.
Goodbye for tonight from the land of ruined discipline.
Proverbs 22:6
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
One thing I can imagine is adding to the drama level around here is that there are about five neighbors who's children live to follow Meg around and cater to her every whim. Seriously, I think the girl is probably beginning to think she has been made the queen of Egypt or something. I have these two or three SWEET neighbor girls who just literally follow Meg around and ooh and ahh over her. They are the sweetest children and I love having them here because she is getting attention and I can actually fold a basket of laundry with two hands (usually one of them is holding her on my hip.) But I think it's giving the girl a goddess complex. :) It's okay, she seriously deserves it. I mean, to think where she was to where she is now and I can't help but spoil the little angel. Oh, how blessed we are, smacking hands and all! :)
I have been really struggling lately with how to combine my two blogs. The boys have their own blog too, you know. I'm adding a link to it over there on the right hand side. But anyway, it just seems silly that there are two. I have this whole other life that most readers of this blog don't even know about. It involves three fourths of my children. That's 75% of my time that goes unheralded by me in my widest circle of "cyber friends" as my "real life friend" Amie calls you guys! :) Anyway, I still haven't figured out how I can have a PINK ON PINK blog with a bunch of pictures of dirty boys on it. And there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going generic with this thing. Plus, that might just be too confusing to have to switch the name around. My other blog is ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. That makes alot more sense than having the boys all pile into Mary Margaret Maybe.
Well, ramble ramble ramble... just ignore me while I have a moment to myself here.
Goodbye for tonight from the land of ruined discipline.
Proverbs 22:6
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
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