Forsaken

I am in the process of blending my blogs, but while this is still Meg's blog alone, I want to write a bit of a parting post. A sort of summation of some things I want on the record for her.

I have been reading the book The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans this past week. It has stirred up some very deep and suppressed emotions in me for the birth mothers that gave life to three of my children. I can say first hand, as a bio mom myself, that I cannot imagine having to come to the realization that my child would have better chances at life without me than with me. I think sometimes birth moms get "villianized" by their choices, and certainly in this book about the abandoned girls in China, many people judge these birth mothers for their actions. But the first thing I want to point out is that all of these mothers chose life for their children. This wasn't a flippant act as abortion is readily available in both Russia and China. This was a selfless act on the part of these women to at least give this child a shot at life. And how thankful I am that these three precious women did. They will all (two Galina's and an Aziza) forever be in my prayers and thoughts for the gifts they have given me in my children. As Beth Moore says so perfectly, "There has never in the history of the world been an unwanted adopted child." No truer words were ever spoken, just ask any adoptive mom!

The first passage I came to in the book that stirred a chord with me was this, "Translated, one document says simply that this little girl was 'found forsaken'..." This quote, in referrence to the author's daughter sent a chill down my spine. In a way, all our children have been forsaken. But it's such an emotional word. It raises such difficult images in my mind. Probably from my Christian upbringing where forsaking Christ is such a huge sin, it carries, for me, connotations of gravely ill intent. However, I don't think that there is ill intent in many of the cases of orphans around the world. We simply can't imagine a life where the greatest majority of our effort and thoughts are based on survival, not on inward emotions or concerns. But certainly, this word, forsaken, does apply to all but the minority of children who are true orphans (meaning both parents are deceased.) However, by forsaking their children, these mothers gave their children to me and the most amazing fulfillment of God's grace and love came from that forsaking. This reenforces my belief that all life has a right to exist and that God can redeem even the most lowly of situations, even the forsaken!

The second thing I marked in this book was a bit less depressing, and much more about the fulfillment that only adoption can bring in so many cases. The paragraph reads this way, "When I hugged her, she felt full and warm - and necessary - in my arms, as if she were settling into a dent in my chest that I hadn't realized was so cavernous. Babies are made for this, I know, thanks to some evolutionary scheme that opens mysterious places in us into which only babies can fit." This reminded me of my daughter. There were so many times when this process got difficult (and believe me, my first two adoptions were a breeze compared to this one) when I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. Maybe I had exceeded my quotient on blessings and I should stop while I was ahead. Maybe I was asking too much to know the love of a daughter. But when I got off that plane with her in Nashville, I had the revelation that the cavernous place in my chest that had longed for a daughter was filled and that there was no question in my mind that my family was complete. The years of doggedly pursuing these children had culminated in this perfect moment, in the Nashville airport, surrounded by most of the people who really matter to me in my life. It was a moment that is equal in my heart to any moment I have ever experienced to date.

A more stark and disturbing part of this book is the time she devotes to the devastating reality of life in China (or Russia too, for that matter) where parents are forced to forsake thousands of untold children each year. The details are different in Russia and China, but the circumstances surrounding the reasons are not all that different. Families have more children than they can afford to feed. Couples have exceeded the limit of children they can sustain. Single women with no support network find themselves pregnant and alone in the world. It comes down to survival many, many times. Even sadder, often, are the single moms who try to care for their children, in a valiant effort of love, but fail miserably because they are incapable due to alchohol dependency, social circumstance, or economic hardship. Many times, it's these children, whose mother's make the easier choice to hold on to their child, who suffer the most. And these children, who spend the first months or years with their mother, who enter the orphanages older and with decreased chances at every finding a family. Karin says in her book, "Flying home from China with my arms full, I had a bittersweet feeling. Mixed with the waves of gratitude about our own good fortune was a kind of undercurrent, a faint cry in the distance. It had to do, I realized, not just with lingering questions about the babies' lost mothers and fathers, but also with the vague knowledge of the other lost children. Numbers to big to grasp circled around." I know this feeling. Not just understand or grasp this feeling, but in my bones, hurt with her kind of know. I have this bittersweet emotion for Russia. I long for the well-being of my dear friends there. I understand the struggle of the people. And I am also accutely aware that I profited for the state of their economy. Mrs. Evans says, "All it takes to bring the statistics to life is to look into the face of one small child. Then all the numbers come with faces - and they are not easy to look in the eye." What do I do with all that knowing? Where do I go with that when I put my head on the pillow at night? One of my favorite books, The Poisonwood Bible, has a character talking about being hungry. She says once you've known real, bone-deep hunger, you can never fully love again someone who hasn't experienced that hunger. I agree. There is a barrier that unwittingly fits itself forever between me and people who don't "know" the pain of orphans and the burden for them. You don't have to be an adoptive parent to "get it." You just have to "get it."

Finally, I would like to end by saying that I have a debt that is unpayable to Mary Margaret's birth mother. I can't imagine the life of this woman, a foreigner in St. Petersburg Russia, a minority immigrant in a country where racial predjudice is still spoken about openly and an accepted way of thinking in many cases. I can only hope that her life is not a statistic, but that Meg came to be by a difficult life situation, not a way of life that haunts this woman. However, I do wish I knew with certainty. I wish I could tell her how exceedingly beautiful her daughter is. I wish she could see her laugh, run, fight for herself, defend her brothers against others, and learn new words every single day. I wish she could know that the daughter she forsook, now sleeps in a pink princess room and wears dresses almost every day of her life. I wish she could see how brave she is, sitting next to the dog while he eats and petting him, throwing the ball for our 85 pound Golden like he is a Chihuaha. I wish I could ask her 1,000 questions about herself and link some of Meg's funny and quirky behaviors to a parent or grandparent. Will she have a talent for music or sports? Will she like dark haired boys or fair? These questions will likely go unanswered forever and continue to reveal themselves to us as little gifts and surprises every day for the rest of Meg's life. I wish I could let her birth mother know that the haunting thoughts she must have can be quieted because she is safe and loved and wanted! Meg has a future and a promise because of the selfless act of this woman and I wish I could let her know!

Mark 11:25
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."