Her precious broken heart....

Meg's heart is broken. I didn't realize how broken it was because she was holding it together pretty well for a little sprite. But it's broken and now that she is starting to realize I'm here for good, she's lettin' it all hang out. I will caution you, this post is not for the faint of heart. Mom, you might want to stop reading now because I might really freak you out, but here goes.

Meg has regressed a bit in her behavior. This is totally normal. I know all the text-book answers to why this is happening. I have seen the diagrams and illustrations on attachment theory, etc. etc. etc. I have even attended classes as a social worker on counseling families on attachment parenting, etc. But when you see a little bitty heart that is YOUR heart, YOUR daughter, and it's broken and you can't "fix" it, then it's really sad. Anyway, regression is normal. It's like any normal developmental stage, you learn a skill and then you might regress just a little while you're figuring out how to utilize that skill. I didn't freak out too much when she started rejecting Brian on Thursday of last week. I know these things ebb and flow. I know that she is hitting more, but that too will just take time, after all, it's only been about six weeks. However, I put my foot down today when she started scratching and clawing at my face with a mournful cry that was primal and terrifying. I was not going to let myself go on in the idea that it's normal when it's that deep. So I called my friend, Marianne, who is one of the best attachment therapists in our area, and she just happens to be one of my dearest friends. She is truly an ANGEL that God sent into my life before we ever adopted because He knew I was going to need her for a very long time. I can't tell you what this woman has brought me through in the ten years I've known her, I owe her a huge debt. But anyway, back to today.

Marianne explained to me that although Meg has been corrected, there has never been a reconnection after the correction. She was told No, or whatever, and then left to get over it whether she liked it or not. She had to figure out how to regulate those emotions on her own. Now that I am trying to reconnect with her after a correction, she doesn't know what to do with the emotion it brings out in her. So, it goes like this: Meg does something (marking on the walls, hitting the TV, hitting me, hitting her brother, trying to get candy, etc. etc.) and I very gently say, "Let's do X instead." I try not to say "no" because I know that just immediately sends her into a puddle of tears. So she throws herself on the floor and cries. I go to her to try to calm her and I pick her up. She hits me. I take her hand and tell her "gentle touch" and try to rub her hand on my face (which I have been doing for weeks and she usually smiles, rubs my face, and all is well again.) This time she grabs my hair and pulls very hard. I don't react, I just take her hand back to my face and say, "Nice touch." She scratches the heck out of my face and grabs for another handful of skin. I put her in the baby hold position and just gently sway with her, shushing and rubbing her face and hands and hair and softly telling her it's okay, Mommy loves her, etc. etc. etc. She is crying this terrified mournful cry like she is lost on the ocean or something. My heart is absolutely breaking for her.

So of course, I start to think of all the things I have done that were probably too much for her. I shouldn't have let my neighbor hold her during the PTO meeting. I shouldn't let the neighborhood girls come and play with her, I should play with her more and on and on. I called Marianne... what should I do?

Marianne is truly a God-send. First, she tells me that I'm not exactly approaching it right. Marianne has this great way of saying, "That's okay, but next time you might try.... " She says that I should usually be the one to initiate the "repair", but I don't need to pick her up. I need to go sit near her with my arms out and softly ask her to come to me. She said that I should let her have her blanket (her preferred item of comfort) during the episode, with the goal that I will eventually be the replacement for the blanket, but until then, she needs the thing that has helped her calm herself in the past. I should just sit with her until she is calm enough and ready to come to me.

So, tonight we have another episode, very similar to the one in the afternoon that sent me calling my personal 911 (because I told her it was time for bed and we couldn't draw anymore.) This time, I handled it totally differently. I was already holding her because I had started toward her room. She started pulling my hair and scratching at me and sobbing. I tried to kiss her hands and she scratched my lower eye-lid (pretty good too.) This time, I immediately got her blanket and sat down in the rocker with her. She was still sobbing, but she put the blanket up to her face, like she always does when she's sleepy, nervous, etc. etc. and within less than two minutes, she took her finger and started rubbing my lips. (Not her whole hand because she couldn't let go of the blanket.) But I took this as a sign that she was calm enough to meet me in the repair instead of me having to force the repair on her.

Yesterday, when I tried to reconnect, she didn't have her blanket and I held her and rocked her, but she was crying so hard that she gagged several times. I think this was somewhat for dramatic affect because she would always look at me to see how I would react. I would just say, "It's okay, if you need to throw up, I'll be here to help you when it's over." She ended up crying herself to sleep in my arms, which I think was partly just to escape the whole scene, she just shut down. I held her and rocked her for a long time afterwards with her doing the after-cry snivel. It was a sweet moment, but a difficult moment too. However, that was yesterday.

Today, the disconnects were much shorter and the one where I allowed her to have her blanket was almost no time, less than five minutes, I'd say. And she was rubbing my lip and whispering to me and it was precious. Marianne says the goal is for her to need me and not the blanket, eventually, but that right now, all the feelings and emotions she is experiencing are overwhelming to her and that is the one thing that is comfortable so I don't want to take that away from her. She has about ten of these little silky blankets and I've finally had to start limiting how many she can carry around because she would keep them all with her. I finally made her one that is about the size of a 4x6 photo that she can take anywhere she goes.

Anyway, why am I posting all this? I don't want to scare any of you who are in the process of your adoption. I don't want to freak out my neighbors or my friends and family. But I am posting this because there have been alot of posts out there about the need to be the primary caregiver, the need for family and friends to give space, etc. etc. etc. But no one that I have seen has been this descript about what it actually looks like when those things aren't done. People make the comment that she seems to be so well attached, she knows who mommy is, etc. Not really. As another blogger said, "she's comfortable" with me. She doesn't really know I'm Mommy in the same sense we think of Mommy because she has no reference for what a mommy is. She doesn't know for sure that I am going to be here day after tomorrow, which is one reason the fits are getting more violent, she cares more now whether I stay or go and that is a scary feeling to someone so little and so out of control of every single thing in her life. So, this is the honest, bare truth of what a tenuous attachment looks like. It's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. It's not a cookie cutter, some kids attachment issues look totally different. It's certainly something we can and WILL work through! She will attach to us. She will be in a totally different state of mind this time next year. But she is not as far along as I thought she was. And I am, of course, now rethinking the whole mother's day out thing. This is laying it all out there for you all to see. It's with the hope that it's helpful for someone whose reading, not to scare anyone away from adoption or trying to befriend our sweet Meg.

The good news is that I asked Marianne if I shouldn't let anyone else pick her up, etc. and to my surprise, she said it was fine. That as long as others weren't taking on a caregiver roll, it was okay to let her sit in the lap of a friend or play with the girls in the neighborhood. So that is actually a relief to me because I need the break that this allows. It's harder to do this attachment parenting thing with three other kids and sometimes it's a necessity that Meg be able to sit in Sonja's lap while I go tend to a task with another child, etc.

Attachment is not something that happens in six weeks, or even fully in six months. In some ways, all our kids are constantly deepening and changing their attachments to us. A third grader certainly has different trust needs than those of a two year old, so this is something that will evolve through the years. However, for now, we know Meg's little heart is broken. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep, I just asked God to heal her. I asked Him to make her whole and allow her to love and trust us. I asked Him to fulfill in her everything that He knows she can be. And I told her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her first 19 months of life. I am so sorry that she was left. I am so sorry that her mother wasn't able to care for her and that meant she had to figure it out on her own and be in control of herself way too early in life. This shouldn't happen to anyone. But, I also told her that my life and hers were both aligned to allow us to find one another. I had set out five years ago to adopt a daughter when I found out we were expecting Connor. That was all because Connor was supposed to be part of our life, but also because Meg was too! I know that God had a very specific plan for bringing us together with this precious little soul. And I know He is not going to leave His work incomplete in her. He will perfect her in His perfect way!

Please please please know that we are fine. I am fine! I am not in shock, I am not distraught. I am heartbroken for my daughter, but I am also privileged to be the one God has chosen to walk her through this. This is not a surprise to me and it's not scary to me. I have a peace. I know what needs to be done and I am able and ready to do it. That's the blessing of it all. I have the experience and the resources we need and God provided that all before we needed it. Again, I only share this story so that if you are a blog stalker, like me, you can read this post... then you can go read Adrienne, or Melissa, or Susan and know what precipitates those bonding posts. I don't have all the answers, I have hardly any answers. I do things wrong every day. But I do some things right too. And as long as I get more things right than wrong, we're all going to get out of this boat on the other side of the storm and realize we've arrived just where we were supposed to be! If you find yourself wanting to do something helpful, stop and say a prayer. Pray that God will heal Meg's heart, but also that he will protect every little heart left behind and give them something in reserve for when they need it. Ask Him to heal every child who has already been adopted and give us and all the other parents the patience, love and answers we need to make it right for these little ones who so deserve it to be spot on!

It's a two-verse kind of day:
Psalm 22:24
"For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."

Nahum 1:7
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."