A recurring theme in my life lately seems to be how "lucky" our kids are (particularly in reference to our daughter) to be adopted into our family. I don't get this. I mean, yes, I realize that children are not meant to grow up in orphanages and need the love that a family offers. I realize all that. But people make comments to us about how lucky our kids are and what a great thing we are doing as if Brian and I are these self-less philanthropists out to free the world of injustice (or at least orphans.) In reality, we are selfish humans who are purely motivated by self-centered desires. We are not adopting our daughter, or any other children for that matter, to save a life. We are adopting our daughter because we want a daughter. We want to share our home with another child. We want our boys to have a sister, we want to know the love of both daughters and sons. Here all the "we's" in those sentences? That's because we came to the decision to add a child to our family motivated by our wishes and desires and those of our sons. We came to this point because we felt it would be a good thing for our family. Of course, the nice affect of our selfish motives is that an orphan does get to know the love of a family. Of course, I do hope that Mary Margaret will be blessed by the outcome of our selfish motivation to bring her into our family. I hope that this will be one of the best things to happen to her and I know that it will certainly change the trajectory of her life irrevocably. I know all those things and I am glad that this one thing we are doing to fulfill our own desires will have a positive impact on another human and hopefully the world in general. But honestly, it is us, our family, and Brian and I as a couple, who are blessed beyond reason and belief by the addition of each of these children to our lives. There is no other way to look at it, it's our blessing far more than it's theirs, to parent these little souls.
On my soapbox for a minute, I will tell you that as a Social Worker, I found that the people who did adopt out of a need to rescue someone were usually ill-advised. The only reason to adopt a child is that you desire to add a child to your family. People who approached adoption to fulfill a need to "rescue" a "pitiful" orphan, find that the high of humanitarian goodwill quickly fades when you are living with another person and they are dependent on you for every need. Once the person is actually "rescued", then the motivation is gone. It's always best to remember that the only reason to adopt is a desire to parent! I know there are always extenuating circumstances and I'm not saying that people who stumble upon adoption cannot make it work, but in general, if you don't have a desire to parent another little human, you should probably stick to writing checks to save the world, not adopting!
So, now that I'll step down off my soap box for a little soul-baring. I am really missing our daughter right now. I am starting to feel the pain of separation. I am starting to worry about her. I know that the baby home has done an excellent job of caring for her and they will continue to care for her. I am not worried about that. I am just wanting her here to be part of our family and experience all the fun we are having with our lazy summer days. I want her here laying around for lazy mornings and going to the pool for swim practice. I want to take her on the boat and have her in the backyard catching lightening bugs with her brothers. I want to be spending the summer getting to know her and having her get to know us.
Romans 8:24
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Anticipation
A friend posed the question tonight on our adoption support list if it was "normal" to be nervous about leaving the orphanage with your child. I remember from my days as a case worker that I was far more nervous about the families that weren't nervous than the families that were. Honestly, show me a family who has not a care in the world and I will show you a naive set of parents who are in for the shock of their lives. It's the worriers, the nervous, that I trust. They know enough to have their socks scared off them and this means they will prepare and they are at least somewhat aware of the change coming their way. Yes, it's "normal" and absolutely essential, to have some nerves if you have half a clue what you're getting yourself into.
You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.
But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!
But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.
Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!
Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.
You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.
But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!
But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.
Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!
Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Memorial Day
We leave for my mom's house today. Every Memorial Weekend we have "Festivus" where my siblings and I come home with our 10 collective kiddos since we don't get together at Christmas anymore. (My parents graciously travel to each of us at Christmas so that the kids can stay in their own beds on Christmas Eve night, but that's another story.)
Anyway, I know this weekend is about remembering those who gave their lives or fought for our freedom. I am also remembering the "Memorial Day" we saw in Russia. It was awesome how patriotic the Russians are and how they honor their veterans. I think the Americans could really take a lesson from the Russians on this count!
The other thing I am remembering right now though, is my daughter. There are several families who we've gotten to know in this process, who are leaving Russia from a great first week getting to meet their kids. They all posted on their blogs about their last visits, and this got me thinking about my lasts with my three Russian kiddos. When we left Jack, his caregiver told us not to be sad because he would feel that in his heart and he would carry the sadness. He was only 10 months old, so I doubt he was picking up on those cues, but nonetheless, it was a nice sentiment. And as it turns out, he is a very intuitive kid who does pick up on the slightest social nuance, so who knows. Anyway, I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel (1.5 hour drive.) It was 11 weeks before we saw our first child again!
With Liam, I really worried about him when we left him. Even though I knew he was in a good baby home, I was a mom at that point and knew the love of my son already. Also, he was very clingy. He would latch onto us the moment he saw us. We had trouble testing to see if he could walk because he didn't want to let go of us. He was 17 months old, so I knew he would likely be confused when we didn't come back for a while. It was a tough 11 weeks (again) until we could go and bring him home.
This time, our daughter was very comfortable in her surroundings and seems to love her caregivers. From that perspective, I feel good about how she is doing without us. But it's how we are doing without her that is hard. I was just sick on that last day thinking how senseless it was that I couldn't just leave with her. I know all the reasons why we have to make two (or three) trips, etc. I understand the process all too well. But it seems so unnecessary that she should have to stay there and suffer the love of a family while we gather papers. I wish the police department could feel some of this pain in my heart and HURRY up with those letters! The thing is, we are waiting for letters from the FPD saying that we haven't committed a crime in the last few months since our LAST letter of no record. I mean, I know it makes sense theoretically, but knowing that I am the last person who would intentionally commit a crime makes it seem a little over the top that my daughter has to wait for our police department to go do a background check on me. Since I've already had six of these letters done and no record has ever been found, it's unlikely that I'm going on a crime spree now, don't you think? Anyway, I think this might have been the hardest "leave" yet. Not only was I sad about leaving my daughter, I was sad for her brothers that they would have to wait longer to meet her (I knew this would be hard as they were sort of thinking maybe we'd bring her home.) I was also sad of all the things we will miss in her life while we are apart. I was sad that she wasn't here for the end of school festivities (pic-nics in the park, etc.) And now that summer is here, I am sad that she isn't here to visit my mom's with us this weekend and I could be showing her off to all my family! Lastly, I'm sad at the thought of leaving my boys again, this time for over a week, to go back and get her. I know it's all necessary. I understand the logic of it all. I really do want the Russian government to make sure these kids are going to good homes and protect their safety. I want all that. But the emotional side is not happy about it! :(
Happy Memorial Day!
Anyway, I know this weekend is about remembering those who gave their lives or fought for our freedom. I am also remembering the "Memorial Day" we saw in Russia. It was awesome how patriotic the Russians are and how they honor their veterans. I think the Americans could really take a lesson from the Russians on this count!
The other thing I am remembering right now though, is my daughter. There are several families who we've gotten to know in this process, who are leaving Russia from a great first week getting to meet their kids. They all posted on their blogs about their last visits, and this got me thinking about my lasts with my three Russian kiddos. When we left Jack, his caregiver told us not to be sad because he would feel that in his heart and he would carry the sadness. He was only 10 months old, so I doubt he was picking up on those cues, but nonetheless, it was a nice sentiment. And as it turns out, he is a very intuitive kid who does pick up on the slightest social nuance, so who knows. Anyway, I bawled my eyes out all the way back to the hotel (1.5 hour drive.) It was 11 weeks before we saw our first child again!
With Liam, I really worried about him when we left him. Even though I knew he was in a good baby home, I was a mom at that point and knew the love of my son already. Also, he was very clingy. He would latch onto us the moment he saw us. We had trouble testing to see if he could walk because he didn't want to let go of us. He was 17 months old, so I knew he would likely be confused when we didn't come back for a while. It was a tough 11 weeks (again) until we could go and bring him home.
This time, our daughter was very comfortable in her surroundings and seems to love her caregivers. From that perspective, I feel good about how she is doing without us. But it's how we are doing without her that is hard. I was just sick on that last day thinking how senseless it was that I couldn't just leave with her. I know all the reasons why we have to make two (or three) trips, etc. I understand the process all too well. But it seems so unnecessary that she should have to stay there and suffer the love of a family while we gather papers. I wish the police department could feel some of this pain in my heart and HURRY up with those letters! The thing is, we are waiting for letters from the FPD saying that we haven't committed a crime in the last few months since our LAST letter of no record. I mean, I know it makes sense theoretically, but knowing that I am the last person who would intentionally commit a crime makes it seem a little over the top that my daughter has to wait for our police department to go do a background check on me. Since I've already had six of these letters done and no record has ever been found, it's unlikely that I'm going on a crime spree now, don't you think? Anyway, I think this might have been the hardest "leave" yet. Not only was I sad about leaving my daughter, I was sad for her brothers that they would have to wait longer to meet her (I knew this would be hard as they were sort of thinking maybe we'd bring her home.) I was also sad of all the things we will miss in her life while we are apart. I was sad that she wasn't here for the end of school festivities (pic-nics in the park, etc.) And now that summer is here, I am sad that she isn't here to visit my mom's with us this weekend and I could be showing her off to all my family! Lastly, I'm sad at the thought of leaving my boys again, this time for over a week, to go back and get her. I know it's all necessary. I understand the logic of it all. I really do want the Russian government to make sure these kids are going to good homes and protect their safety. I want all that. But the emotional side is not happy about it! :(
Happy Memorial Day!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Make way for Mary Margaret!
While waiting for our referral and first travel dates, I filled my time with things like stalking other people's blogs, looking at the Russian database, and generally feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a referral and travel date. I annoyed all my friends by being conversely down in the dumps and then a dump to be around because I was on the pity train way too much!
Now that we have a referral and have made our first trip to meet her, I am filling my time with what makes it seem more iminent that she will be home soon. I've packed and re-packed what I think I should bring for her to wear in Russia. I think I have decided on about ten outfits. Yes, I know, we'll probably only be there about six days, but still, a girl needs choices! I am in the very fun stage of packing, which is deciding which bow goes most perfectly with each outfit. I know I could take one white one and it would match everything, but I've waited eight years to put a bow in someone's hair, so this is no time for practicality! Accessories, accessories, accessories! I've folded the two cutest bibs (one a gift, one antique made by my grandmother) for her to wear not to mess up any outfits. And I will soon be looking for shoes to fit her small feet. :) Fun!
I thought you might like to see some of the outfits that I am bringing with me when I come back for her (I'm thinking positively that it's going to be soon.) It would be sooner if the TAX ASSESSOR would call me back so I could order my proof of residence.
Mark 10:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."
Now that we have a referral and have made our first trip to meet her, I am filling my time with what makes it seem more iminent that she will be home soon. I've packed and re-packed what I think I should bring for her to wear in Russia. I think I have decided on about ten outfits. Yes, I know, we'll probably only be there about six days, but still, a girl needs choices! I am in the very fun stage of packing, which is deciding which bow goes most perfectly with each outfit. I know I could take one white one and it would match everything, but I've waited eight years to put a bow in someone's hair, so this is no time for practicality! Accessories, accessories, accessories! I've folded the two cutest bibs (one a gift, one antique made by my grandmother) for her to wear not to mess up any outfits. And I will soon be looking for shoes to fit her small feet. :) Fun!
I thought you might like to see some of the outfits that I am bringing with me when I come back for her (I'm thinking positively that it's going to be soon.) It would be sooner if the TAX ASSESSOR would call me back so I could order my proof of residence.
Mark 10:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."
Monday, May 19, 2008
What a difference a day makes!
Yesterday, I was still recovering from jet lag. Yesterday, I was dragging around here like I would never have another ounce of energy and wondering how in the world I was going to get it together for a two week trip if this one week threw me for such a loop.
TODAY, however, I am FINALLY back to myself. I have been productive. I have not taken a nap. I have worked on adoption paperwork and finished all but two documents, both of which I am waiting on from county or city offices. Today, I am busy, and I am MISSING our Mary Margaret.
SO, a little retail therapy was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I bought her the cutest little outfits from a children's boutique here in town. Next, I got her the cutest pair of hot pink Mary Jane Crocs you've ever seen. We have a boat and we spend many days at the pool, so she will need these. (That's a bit of a joke because my husband says I have trouble telling the difference between a need and a want.)
Anyway, I'm back to blog stalking. I am following the journeys of four families who are currenlty in Russia. Two families are getting their referrals this week (one yesterday, one today) and you can read their stories by clicking the links on the right hand side of my blog. They are Carol and Lance, Becky and Keith, The Cravens, and Tiger and Kar. (Sorry, my technical skills have not yet conquered being able to add the link right here in the text.)
So, it really hit me like a wave today (while I was at the bank, I was showing her picture to all the tellers, as if they care) and it hit me that I am missing my little girl. I want her home with me. I knew it wouldn't take long before my "I'm okay, she's okay, we'll be together soon" turned into a "I'm dying to get back to her and is she really okay." And it happened today. Ten days to the day since we've seen her, I am wondering if she feels okay, is she sick, is she eating, is she doing new things, etc. etc. I am wondering if she is liking her new group (they moved her while we were there), and I am wondering if we'll get back to her in time for her to celebrate our middle son's birthday in June. Wouldn't it just be amazing if she was home for his birthday! He is the one boy who has been praying for this girl, his little sister, since before she was born. Literally, he started praying for her about two years ago. Every night he prays that God will bring him a little sister. I also have been praying for her for a very long time. Before she was born I was praying for her birth mother and hoping she was not suffering too much from the struggle of bearing a child she knew she couldn't provide for. I've been praying for her caregivers, the judge, the Ministry workers, and all the hands that have touched our dossier. So now that I have a face and a name, I'm praying even more that God is holding her in the palm of His righteous and able hand, until we can hold her in ours. Oh, how I hope and pray that He is keeping her safe and well for our return. And how I hope that day speeds toward us quickly!
So many times I have turned to the words of Habakkuk during this adoption. I feel like he is an old friend to me at this point and I so admire his faith and perserverance and determination. I take comfort and inspiration from his words. I'll leave you with some hopeful ones tonight, words of hope and a reminder that our time is not always God's timing. Though things seem too long in our minds, they arrive just at the appointed time on the Kingdom clock.
Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
TODAY, however, I am FINALLY back to myself. I have been productive. I have not taken a nap. I have worked on adoption paperwork and finished all but two documents, both of which I am waiting on from county or city offices. Today, I am busy, and I am MISSING our Mary Margaret.
SO, a little retail therapy was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I bought her the cutest little outfits from a children's boutique here in town. Next, I got her the cutest pair of hot pink Mary Jane Crocs you've ever seen. We have a boat and we spend many days at the pool, so she will need these. (That's a bit of a joke because my husband says I have trouble telling the difference between a need and a want.)
Anyway, I'm back to blog stalking. I am following the journeys of four families who are currenlty in Russia. Two families are getting their referrals this week (one yesterday, one today) and you can read their stories by clicking the links on the right hand side of my blog. They are Carol and Lance, Becky and Keith, The Cravens, and Tiger and Kar. (Sorry, my technical skills have not yet conquered being able to add the link right here in the text.)
So, it really hit me like a wave today (while I was at the bank, I was showing her picture to all the tellers, as if they care) and it hit me that I am missing my little girl. I want her home with me. I knew it wouldn't take long before my "I'm okay, she's okay, we'll be together soon" turned into a "I'm dying to get back to her and is she really okay." And it happened today. Ten days to the day since we've seen her, I am wondering if she feels okay, is she sick, is she eating, is she doing new things, etc. etc. I am wondering if she is liking her new group (they moved her while we were there), and I am wondering if we'll get back to her in time for her to celebrate our middle son's birthday in June. Wouldn't it just be amazing if she was home for his birthday! He is the one boy who has been praying for this girl, his little sister, since before she was born. Literally, he started praying for her about two years ago. Every night he prays that God will bring him a little sister. I also have been praying for her for a very long time. Before she was born I was praying for her birth mother and hoping she was not suffering too much from the struggle of bearing a child she knew she couldn't provide for. I've been praying for her caregivers, the judge, the Ministry workers, and all the hands that have touched our dossier. So now that I have a face and a name, I'm praying even more that God is holding her in the palm of His righteous and able hand, until we can hold her in ours. Oh, how I hope and pray that He is keeping her safe and well for our return. And how I hope that day speeds toward us quickly!
So many times I have turned to the words of Habakkuk during this adoption. I feel like he is an old friend to me at this point and I so admire his faith and perserverance and determination. I take comfort and inspiration from his words. I'll leave you with some hopeful ones tonight, words of hope and a reminder that our time is not always God's timing. Though things seem too long in our minds, they arrive just at the appointed time on the Kingdom clock.
Habakkuk 2:3
"For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
Monday, May 12, 2008
There's no place like home, there's no place like home.....
Dorothy, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!
Boy, is it good to be home! There really is no place like home, no matter how much you look forward to the travel, no matter how much you wait and pray for it, it's always good to crawl into your own bed and be kissed by your sweet boys!
Right now, I'm doing okay with the waiting thing (don't you think that's good of me, I mean, after all, it's been three days since I saw our Meg!) hahaha Truly, I know that God has just carried us through the past week and continues to carry us even now. One of my dear friends sent me an e-mail while we were in Russia, reminding me how God has walked this road before us, He has already gone through with the entire adoption and is waiting for us at the end of the road He's paved for us. But yet, we are not alone, Jesus walks WITH us. And He is with us here, waiting for our court date, wishing for Mary Margaret to join us, and feeling our anxiety over the rising cost of airfare, the extra paperwork we need to complete, the angst over how our precious daughter is doing, He feels it all and is with us here in this moment. Miraculously, He is there with her too. If you've ever been in an orphanage, you've been in the presence of God. One thing I know is that where there are widows and orphans, there is God in all His glory and His power, robed in His full splendor. These kids certainly do not suffer alone, He hears every cry! There is a song by Jars of Clay that says, "God hears your sighs and counts your tears...." I LOVE that thought. He hears my SIGHS! He feels my tiredness and my jet-lag and my desire to be 100% here with my boys, but my tug to be with my daughter too. He knows all this, and He has ordained it, and will bless it if I give it to Him to bless.
Wow, Aunty Em, I'm glad the tornado is passed and I'm back in Kansas, even for a little while!
2 Corinthians 4:7
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves."
Boy, is it good to be home! There really is no place like home, no matter how much you look forward to the travel, no matter how much you wait and pray for it, it's always good to crawl into your own bed and be kissed by your sweet boys!
Right now, I'm doing okay with the waiting thing (don't you think that's good of me, I mean, after all, it's been three days since I saw our Meg!) hahaha Truly, I know that God has just carried us through the past week and continues to carry us even now. One of my dear friends sent me an e-mail while we were in Russia, reminding me how God has walked this road before us, He has already gone through with the entire adoption and is waiting for us at the end of the road He's paved for us. But yet, we are not alone, Jesus walks WITH us. And He is with us here, waiting for our court date, wishing for Mary Margaret to join us, and feeling our anxiety over the rising cost of airfare, the extra paperwork we need to complete, the angst over how our precious daughter is doing, He feels it all and is with us here in this moment. Miraculously, He is there with her too. If you've ever been in an orphanage, you've been in the presence of God. One thing I know is that where there are widows and orphans, there is God in all His glory and His power, robed in His full splendor. These kids certainly do not suffer alone, He hears every cry! There is a song by Jars of Clay that says, "God hears your sighs and counts your tears...." I LOVE that thought. He hears my SIGHS! He feels my tiredness and my jet-lag and my desire to be 100% here with my boys, but my tug to be with my daughter too. He knows all this, and He has ordained it, and will bless it if I give it to Him to bless.
Wow, Aunty Em, I'm glad the tornado is passed and I'm back in Kansas, even for a little while!
2 Corinthians 4:7
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves."
Friday, May 9, 2008
St. Petersburg Day 5-Friday
SUCCESS!!!!!! We had a great day with our little one today. She was dressed for outdoors when we got to the orphanage, so we went to the playground with her. She actually let Brian pick her up. She cried just a little when he first picked her up, but then as soon as I got out the bubbles, she started to let him hold her and play with the bubbles and there was no problem. She actually let him carry her around for about 10 or 15 minutes, so he was very happy about that. We felt that this was a very good sign that it might not take as long as we had feared for him to warm up to us.
And a really great thing also happened while we were there. The little girl I wrote about yesterday, the one who asked about Mama and Papa, her DAD was there today, walking around with her, holding her hand, etc. The translator said she overheard him talking to the caregivers. Apparently he visits alot and he plans to get her from the orphanage and raise her. He is a single dad, and apparently having a hard time. So that is very good news. I was thrilled that we were able to know that she is okay, I worried about her.
After we visited her, we were dropped off at the Hermitage museum Today is a holiday in Russia, so it was a very fun time to be down there in the crowd. The Hermitage was closed, unfortunately, but we were able to go inside the Church of the Spilled Blood, Michaelovsky Gardens, the Russian Orthodox Cathedral, the only Roman Catholic Church in St. Petersburg (St. Catherine's), and pick up a couple of souvenirs. We also found a great pizza cafe that we will remember for our next trip. All in all we've had a great day today.
We bid farewell to our translator, we will not see her again until the next trip. Our driver will pick us up at the hotel tomorrow morning at 5 AM for our 7:25 flight. We are SO anxious to get out of Dodge and back to the boys! We can't wait to see them. Brian and I have already decided that the boys should all sleep in our bed tomorrow night so that we won't have to be away from them for one minute. Only 14 hours until we are singing "Happy Trails"! :) And looking forward to the next trip and court.
And a really great thing also happened while we were there. The little girl I wrote about yesterday, the one who asked about Mama and Papa, her DAD was there today, walking around with her, holding her hand, etc. The translator said she overheard him talking to the caregivers. Apparently he visits alot and he plans to get her from the orphanage and raise her. He is a single dad, and apparently having a hard time. So that is very good news. I was thrilled that we were able to know that she is okay, I worried about her.
After we visited her, we were dropped off at the Hermitage museum Today is a holiday in Russia, so it was a very fun time to be down there in the crowd. The Hermitage was closed, unfortunately, but we were able to go inside the Church of the Spilled Blood, Michaelovsky Gardens, the Russian Orthodox Cathedral, the only Roman Catholic Church in St. Petersburg (St. Catherine's), and pick up a couple of souvenirs. We also found a great pizza cafe that we will remember for our next trip. All in all we've had a great day today.
We bid farewell to our translator, we will not see her again until the next trip. Our driver will pick us up at the hotel tomorrow morning at 5 AM for our 7:25 flight. We are SO anxious to get out of Dodge and back to the boys! We can't wait to see them. Brian and I have already decided that the boys should all sleep in our bed tomorrow night so that we won't have to be away from them for one minute. Only 14 hours until we are singing "Happy Trails"! :) And looking forward to the next trip and court.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
St. Petersburg Day 4-Thursday
Well, here we are, in lovely St. Petersburg, Day 4, Thursday. Yes, as I already stated in my header... sorry for the redundancy. Anyway, if you didn't get the absolute privilege of reading my husbands account of the medicals from yesterday, my apologies. There are many people still crying with laughter over his account. You really can't make up stuff this good. We paid a small fortune for the opportunity to be naked together (really only topless, don't panic too much) in a room with three Russian doctors and our translator. As my husband reported, I never envisioned myself being topless in a room with my husband and spectators, but if I had, this would definitely have not been the setting I pictured! :) If you're coming to St. Pete for your adoption, you can contact me and I will give you the full play by play to prepare you.
But on to today. We had a fantastic visit with the little angel. She is positively precious, bright, and "with it". At her baby home, we are allowed to go and collect her from her group. I have never been given this privilege before, so it seems wonderful that we would be allowed to go and see where she plays and where she sleeps. We have only ever been allowed to go into the "back" of the orphanage after a court decision, so this is new. It's wonderful! Anyway, when we went to get her, she cried when she first saw us again. But she quickly forgot her fear when we pulled out the stacking cups. She is particularly fond of the stickers I stole from our reward drawer at home. The boys could care less about them anyway, so now I've found someone who will appreciate the snoopy and smiley stickers that have been hanging around there for years. :) Anyway, she loved sticking stickers all over me and she even gave a few to Brian. She liked playing with the stacking cups again and was very quick about turning them over to the right direction when I would hand them to her upside down (we're sure she's a genius.) Anyway, all good stuff. At one point, she pulled the tape measure out of my bag and immediately tried to put it around her head. Do you think she has had her head circumference measured a time or two? Her waist is 19 inches around, in case you're wondering. :) I had to know so that I could put in the elastic for the things I have sewn for her.
She also ended up finding a plastic bag in our backpack, which she found quite entertaining. Typical for a child, the bag the toy comes in is often more interesting than the toy itself. Her favorite thing of the day, however, were the Gerber Graduates. Our translator forbid me to give her very many of them (I wanted to spoil her with the whole bag), but she accepted it well when I put them away and told her "f-sho" (finished.) When it was time to return to her room, I gave her the bag and she carried it with her back to the room. I asked the caregiver to give some to the whole group. I will tell myself they distributed them and didn't toss them in the trash. I am not sure.
But I do have to make record of the absolute most heart breaking thing that has happened to me in an orphanage to date. Warning, get your tissues! When we were waiting for the caregivers to get her ready for our visit, we were standing in the entrance to her room. These two little ones were walking out with another caregiver, headed to their physical therapy. As soon as they rounded the corner, the little girl of the group got very excited and said, "Mama and Papa! Mama and Papa have come!" The caregiver replied, "A's Mama and Papa!" She craned her neck to watch us as long as she could see us. The image of this little angel going down the steps with her head turned looking back at us is burned in my brain forever. I wanted to grab her and tell her that she would have a mama and papa too, but of course, I don't know this. For some reason, it's very tense for me when I am in the orphanage and I see other children. There is this chasm between me and them and I want to run over to them all, hold them, hug them, give them candy and blow bubbles for them. I want to do something to give them some delight. But for some reason, it's all very stiff and it's not generally encouraged that you would interact with the other children. I think part of this might be because our translator doesn't seem very comfortable with it. I want to be respectful because obviously, she has to maintain a reputation and working relationship with these women. But on the other hand, I just want to give the kids a little bit of the love I have for all of them. I wish I could change all of their lives for the better.
So, that was our day with MM. We came back to the room and spent two hours being debriefed on what to expect from our court experience. I am feeling a little nervous about it because they say it will be about two hours long. In Moscow, it was always around 30 minutes and the judge was very kind. I don't know what to expect this time, but two hours seems like a long time. I just want everything to go well so we can get our daughter home to complete our family and start our life with her.
Tomorrow is our last day and I dread leaving our daughter, but I look forward to seeing my boys. So that will make Saturday a happy occassion for us.
Thank you for your continued prayers and e-mails!
But on to today. We had a fantastic visit with the little angel. She is positively precious, bright, and "with it". At her baby home, we are allowed to go and collect her from her group. I have never been given this privilege before, so it seems wonderful that we would be allowed to go and see where she plays and where she sleeps. We have only ever been allowed to go into the "back" of the orphanage after a court decision, so this is new. It's wonderful! Anyway, when we went to get her, she cried when she first saw us again. But she quickly forgot her fear when we pulled out the stacking cups. She is particularly fond of the stickers I stole from our reward drawer at home. The boys could care less about them anyway, so now I've found someone who will appreciate the snoopy and smiley stickers that have been hanging around there for years. :) Anyway, she loved sticking stickers all over me and she even gave a few to Brian. She liked playing with the stacking cups again and was very quick about turning them over to the right direction when I would hand them to her upside down (we're sure she's a genius.) Anyway, all good stuff. At one point, she pulled the tape measure out of my bag and immediately tried to put it around her head. Do you think she has had her head circumference measured a time or two? Her waist is 19 inches around, in case you're wondering. :) I had to know so that I could put in the elastic for the things I have sewn for her.
She also ended up finding a plastic bag in our backpack, which she found quite entertaining. Typical for a child, the bag the toy comes in is often more interesting than the toy itself. Her favorite thing of the day, however, were the Gerber Graduates. Our translator forbid me to give her very many of them (I wanted to spoil her with the whole bag), but she accepted it well when I put them away and told her "f-sho" (finished.) When it was time to return to her room, I gave her the bag and she carried it with her back to the room. I asked the caregiver to give some to the whole group. I will tell myself they distributed them and didn't toss them in the trash. I am not sure.
But I do have to make record of the absolute most heart breaking thing that has happened to me in an orphanage to date. Warning, get your tissues! When we were waiting for the caregivers to get her ready for our visit, we were standing in the entrance to her room. These two little ones were walking out with another caregiver, headed to their physical therapy. As soon as they rounded the corner, the little girl of the group got very excited and said, "Mama and Papa! Mama and Papa have come!" The caregiver replied, "A's Mama and Papa!" She craned her neck to watch us as long as she could see us. The image of this little angel going down the steps with her head turned looking back at us is burned in my brain forever. I wanted to grab her and tell her that she would have a mama and papa too, but of course, I don't know this. For some reason, it's very tense for me when I am in the orphanage and I see other children. There is this chasm between me and them and I want to run over to them all, hold them, hug them, give them candy and blow bubbles for them. I want to do something to give them some delight. But for some reason, it's all very stiff and it's not generally encouraged that you would interact with the other children. I think part of this might be because our translator doesn't seem very comfortable with it. I want to be respectful because obviously, she has to maintain a reputation and working relationship with these women. But on the other hand, I just want to give the kids a little bit of the love I have for all of them. I wish I could change all of their lives for the better.
So, that was our day with MM. We came back to the room and spent two hours being debriefed on what to expect from our court experience. I am feeling a little nervous about it because they say it will be about two hours long. In Moscow, it was always around 30 minutes and the judge was very kind. I don't know what to expect this time, but two hours seems like a long time. I just want everything to go well so we can get our daughter home to complete our family and start our life with her.
Tomorrow is our last day and I dread leaving our daughter, but I look forward to seeing my boys. So that will make Saturday a happy occassion for us.
Thank you for your continued prayers and e-mails!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
St. Petersburg Day 3, Wednesday
Yesterday we went to the Baby Home to see MM again. This time it was a much better visit. The doctor first gave us her medical history, including what age she reached all milestones, from first smile to first step. It was way more information than we have gotten in the past and I was very pleased with everything she had to say. Brian and I felt we could not have asked for better, truly. So we are over the moon with our daughter! She warmed up to us alot yesterday. She tolerated Brian, but she was smiling for me, gave me a hug, and made good eye contact. She is able to stack cups and nest them as well. All of these things seem to be in good order and we aren't concerned at all. The ladies at her baby home seem very engaged with the children and very caring with them as well. They had given her a haircut when we got there yesterday, but the caregiver was showing us that they left some long in the back (think mullet) so that we could see how wavy her hair is! :) Sweet!
Anyway, today was the 8 doctor medical. Oh boy, what can I say? I can survive anything now! I survived being poked and prodded by 8 Russian doctors, removing my clothing down to the waist for an x-ray, an EKG, and a breast exam (with my husband AND translator in the room.) It appears that I am now considered healthy enough to adopt a child. This is very good news for the three I already have at home. :) I will say this, they took about six pints of blood and were able to get all the HIV, Hep, etc. tests analyzed in less than four hours. Never say anything about Russian beauracracy, I've never seen a US lab work that fast! :) Truly, it wasn't the worst experience I've ever had, but I wouldn't say I'd want to repeat it.
We met another couple who was also having their medical done at the same time. We were in the directors office having tea and cookies and cakes together. We decided to meet them for dinner tonight (probably at KFC, hahaha) and debrief from the day. They are adopting from another agency, but staying on the same street, Nevsky. If you are coming to St. Petersburg, I recommend trying to stay near Nevsky Prospekt. It is the main street in St. Petersburg and everything is very convenient to this site. The Hermitage is on this street, the Church of the Spilled Blood, etc. etc. We hope to go to the Hermitage, maybe tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.
It's still cold here. But it's not too bad, better than yesterday. We are going back to the Baby Home in about an hour for another two hour visit. We are really looking forward to seeing our daughter. At that time, we have to come up with her new name. We will see what Brian decides. Supposedly, he is looking at names on the internet to see if anything strikes him, if not, then Mary Margaret it is! :)
Stay tuned, I am really hoping to be able to post more later. By the way, thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and e-mails. It's been so hard being away from home, away from our boys, and away from "connection", but knowing so many people were following us and praying for us has really helped!
Paka!
Anyway, today was the 8 doctor medical. Oh boy, what can I say? I can survive anything now! I survived being poked and prodded by 8 Russian doctors, removing my clothing down to the waist for an x-ray, an EKG, and a breast exam (with my husband AND translator in the room.) It appears that I am now considered healthy enough to adopt a child. This is very good news for the three I already have at home. :) I will say this, they took about six pints of blood and were able to get all the HIV, Hep, etc. tests analyzed in less than four hours. Never say anything about Russian beauracracy, I've never seen a US lab work that fast! :) Truly, it wasn't the worst experience I've ever had, but I wouldn't say I'd want to repeat it.
We met another couple who was also having their medical done at the same time. We were in the directors office having tea and cookies and cakes together. We decided to meet them for dinner tonight (probably at KFC, hahaha) and debrief from the day. They are adopting from another agency, but staying on the same street, Nevsky. If you are coming to St. Petersburg, I recommend trying to stay near Nevsky Prospekt. It is the main street in St. Petersburg and everything is very convenient to this site. The Hermitage is on this street, the Church of the Spilled Blood, etc. etc. We hope to go to the Hermitage, maybe tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.
It's still cold here. But it's not too bad, better than yesterday. We are going back to the Baby Home in about an hour for another two hour visit. We are really looking forward to seeing our daughter. At that time, we have to come up with her new name. We will see what Brian decides. Supposedly, he is looking at names on the internet to see if anything strikes him, if not, then Mary Margaret it is! :)
Stay tuned, I am really hoping to be able to post more later. By the way, thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and e-mails. It's been so hard being away from home, away from our boys, and away from "connection", but knowing so many people were following us and praying for us has really helped!
Paka!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
St. Petersburg Day 2 - Tuesday
Okay, first I will apologize for the "nothing" post yesterday. Today we received our official referral of a little girl. She was born October 11, 2006. She is adorable. She has dark hair and dark eyes. We have not been to the orphanage to see her yet today, we are waiting for the driver to collect us about thirty minutes from now. But we did see her photo at the office of the Committee this morning. I can't wait to post tomorrow and tell you all about her.
As for our visit, first and foremost, we are missing our boys TERRIBLY!!!! I can't stand to be away from them for a weekend. I truly am just not someone who likes to leave my kids. I don't even like to leave them with my husband for a weekend, so leaving them and going out of the country is definitely out of my comfort zone. I can't wait to get back and be mommy again and just do all the fun stuff that we do together every day. Even some of the not so fun stuff (like homework), I'm looking forward to. I hear that the boys are being brave and having lots of fun with Meme, so that helps alot!
Okay, I'm totally over the second-hand-smoke already! Seriously, it makes me SO appreciate the smoking ban in Tennessee. I am not sure about the rest of the country, but in TN, you can't smoke anywhere that admits people under 21 years of age. It's wonderful and I don't miss walking out of restaurants smelling like an ash-tray. Pretty much, our bags will need to be fumigated when we get home because there is SO much smoke here. I'm just not used to it and it gives me a headache.
The weather here is okay. It was supposed to be warm all week so I didn't bring a coat. But then we woke up to snow this morning! BRRR! My son, Liam, tried to tell me that I needed to bring my down jacket and I told him it would be too warm. Turns out I should have listened to him. Luckily, I did pack two wool sweaters, so I'm doing okay. The snow isn't sticking, so my shoes are fine.
There's not too much to report yet. I can't wait to get to the baby home this afternoon and spend time with our daughter, get the evaluation from the doctor, and ask all my questions to the director. I will hopefully have much more to post tomorrow! :)
Das Vedanya
As for our visit, first and foremost, we are missing our boys TERRIBLY!!!! I can't stand to be away from them for a weekend. I truly am just not someone who likes to leave my kids. I don't even like to leave them with my husband for a weekend, so leaving them and going out of the country is definitely out of my comfort zone. I can't wait to get back and be mommy again and just do all the fun stuff that we do together every day. Even some of the not so fun stuff (like homework), I'm looking forward to. I hear that the boys are being brave and having lots of fun with Meme, so that helps alot!
Okay, I'm totally over the second-hand-smoke already! Seriously, it makes me SO appreciate the smoking ban in Tennessee. I am not sure about the rest of the country, but in TN, you can't smoke anywhere that admits people under 21 years of age. It's wonderful and I don't miss walking out of restaurants smelling like an ash-tray. Pretty much, our bags will need to be fumigated when we get home because there is SO much smoke here. I'm just not used to it and it gives me a headache.
The weather here is okay. It was supposed to be warm all week so I didn't bring a coat. But then we woke up to snow this morning! BRRR! My son, Liam, tried to tell me that I needed to bring my down jacket and I told him it would be too warm. Turns out I should have listened to him. Luckily, I did pack two wool sweaters, so I'm doing okay. The snow isn't sticking, so my shoes are fine.
There's not too much to report yet. I can't wait to get to the baby home this afternoon and spend time with our daughter, get the evaluation from the doctor, and ask all my questions to the director. I will hopefully have much more to post tomorrow! :)
Das Vedanya
Monday, May 5, 2008
St. Pete Day 1
The morning was tied up with adoption work today, we met O at 10 and then N joined us around 11:30. We were left off at the hotel about 12 and had the rest of the day to ourselves. We walked almost the entire length of Nevsky Prospekt. We visited the Church of the Spilled Blood, which is beautiful and done in the old style with the onion domes, etc. There was an open air market so we purchased some souvenirs.
I know this is not the news that any of you are looking for, but we will visit the Committee tomorrow and receive our referral, so I won't really have much information until that time. We are meeting the driver and translator in the morning at 9:30 to head to the Comm. at 10. We will then arrive at the Baby Home and meet our referral, have time with the doctor for the medical history, etc. Tomorrow is the post you will all be waiting for! :)
Paka!
I know this is not the news that any of you are looking for, but we will visit the Committee tomorrow and receive our referral, so I won't really have much information until that time. We are meeting the driver and translator in the morning at 9:30 to head to the Comm. at 10. We will then arrive at the Baby Home and meet our referral, have time with the doctor for the medical history, etc. Tomorrow is the post you will all be waiting for! :)
Paka!
Friday, May 2, 2008
And they're off!
Sorry, I couldn't resist the title, I'm a huge KY Derby fan! :)
No long post tonight, I have to cuddle with my boys and soak up every moment of time with them. It's so hard to leave them for a week.
Next post: Russia! :)
Good night, blog stalkers!
No long post tonight, I have to cuddle with my boys and soak up every moment of time with them. It's so hard to leave them for a week.
Next post: Russia! :)
Good night, blog stalkers!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
How do you "KNOW"?
Someone asked me today if we "connected" with our referral. First of all, she's a beautiful little girl in my opinion, but there is so much more to a person than how they look. How can you "connect" when you have nothing but looks to go on? I want to caution you, if you are a first time adopter, that the "love at first site" stories are sweet and touching, but a bit misleading. It can be difficult to connect with a child in a strange environment, where no one speaks your language, where the child is tentative and suspicious of you, where everyone is staring at you to see if you'll "connect", and where the child may not feel well or may have blue dots all over his face from bug bite medicine (ours did.) Just because you don't have that feeling that this is the moment you've lived your life for, doesn't mean that this is not your child. I mean, it's no different from couples who have the love at first site experience. I know there are people who look at a person and know that is the one, but then there are marriages that are just as happy and just as wonderful where it took the couple years to know they were meant to be together. It doesn't make their love any less valid and less "meant to be." So let me just caution anyone out there who thinks they will get a photo of a child and get this floaty feeling and they will KNOW that's the one. It might happen, if the child happens to have a particularly good hair day and they didn't wake her up from a nap to take the photo, but then again, she might just not be that photogenic and you might pass up an absolutely perfect child because you didn't connect with the photo. (Seriously folks, search the blogs and take a look at some of these referral photos, we're not exactly talking Glamour Shots here!:) It's alot of pressure to put on one instantaneous moment in time. It's very much why, in the end, I just couldn't request information on the little girl I fell in love with on the database. I knew that by the standards of the world (beauty alone) I could parent her. But I also knew that I didn't see her future, her personality, or her purpose, but God did and ultimately, I couldn't defer His plan to that of the world.
I believe very strongly that you have to meet a child before you know if there is a connection. Now all that to say, I have a photo (only one) of our referral and she is everywhere. I am already in love with the idea of her. I love her little face, her little hands, her little nose. I already bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I'm in love with her beauty. But I know nothing of her personality, her development, her mind, her mental state, etc. I have very high hopes that we will connect and it will be the moment I've waited my entire life for. But if our love takes a little time to grow, that's okay too, because I've been down that road before and I know it leads somewhere beautiful too.
During our adoptions, God has always been gracious enough to give me little "red threads" (as the Chinese call them.) These are little signs that God uses to reassure us that we are on the right path. With our oldest son, it was his name. Without going into the whole story, we were very perplexed about what to do at referral time before we met our son. We were given a choice of two children, and this little 'red thread' lead us to our son. Our driver in Moscow was actually totally instrumental in getting us the referral too, so no one ever underestimate the importance of your driver. Ours was clearly our angel and very skilled in the nuances of adoption!
With our middle son, his name was also the name of one of our grandfathers. There were a dozen little 'red threads' that confirmed that he was our son. We felt very comforted by these things.
This time around, we have already seen a little glimpse of a 'red thread' in our daughter's referral. I won't say too much about it because you know the whole Thomas thing, but it's as close as I can come to believing that she is THE ONE.
Don't you find it sometimes amazing how a seemingly meaningless conversation can get you pondering something very deep for a long time? Since this conversation this morning, I have thought alot about this process and what leads certain parents to their children. And I just got to thinking about this myth that seems to perpetuate out there that when you see a photo you will just know. You might, but if you don't "connect" on the spot, don't let it fool you. Beauty is the only thing that could connect you in a photo, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't believe me? I guarantee you there is no mother in the world with an ugly child! As my neighbor once told me, "Do you think we would love him so much if he wasn't so cute?" Her husband replied, "For all we know, he's not!" :) Perfectly said!
Let me just say that I don't think the person who asked me this question meant in any way "Is she pretty?" I don't think she is someone who is using beauty as her guide in accepting a referral. I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand, it's just where my mind went with the conversation and how many of these same discussions I've had over the years.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the suprassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."
I believe very strongly that you have to meet a child before you know if there is a connection. Now all that to say, I have a photo (only one) of our referral and she is everywhere. I am already in love with the idea of her. I love her little face, her little hands, her little nose. I already bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I'm in love with her beauty. But I know nothing of her personality, her development, her mind, her mental state, etc. I have very high hopes that we will connect and it will be the moment I've waited my entire life for. But if our love takes a little time to grow, that's okay too, because I've been down that road before and I know it leads somewhere beautiful too.
During our adoptions, God has always been gracious enough to give me little "red threads" (as the Chinese call them.) These are little signs that God uses to reassure us that we are on the right path. With our oldest son, it was his name. Without going into the whole story, we were very perplexed about what to do at referral time before we met our son. We were given a choice of two children, and this little 'red thread' lead us to our son. Our driver in Moscow was actually totally instrumental in getting us the referral too, so no one ever underestimate the importance of your driver. Ours was clearly our angel and very skilled in the nuances of adoption!
With our middle son, his name was also the name of one of our grandfathers. There were a dozen little 'red threads' that confirmed that he was our son. We felt very comforted by these things.
This time around, we have already seen a little glimpse of a 'red thread' in our daughter's referral. I won't say too much about it because you know the whole Thomas thing, but it's as close as I can come to believing that she is THE ONE.
Don't you find it sometimes amazing how a seemingly meaningless conversation can get you pondering something very deep for a long time? Since this conversation this morning, I have thought alot about this process and what leads certain parents to their children. And I just got to thinking about this myth that seems to perpetuate out there that when you see a photo you will just know. You might, but if you don't "connect" on the spot, don't let it fool you. Beauty is the only thing that could connect you in a photo, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't believe me? I guarantee you there is no mother in the world with an ugly child! As my neighbor once told me, "Do you think we would love him so much if he wasn't so cute?" Her husband replied, "For all we know, he's not!" :) Perfectly said!
Let me just say that I don't think the person who asked me this question meant in any way "Is she pretty?" I don't think she is someone who is using beauty as her guide in accepting a referral. I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand, it's just where my mind went with the conversation and how many of these same discussions I've had over the years.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the suprassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."
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