Anticipation

A friend posed the question tonight on our adoption support list if it was "normal" to be nervous about leaving the orphanage with your child. I remember from my days as a case worker that I was far more nervous about the families that weren't nervous than the families that were. Honestly, show me a family who has not a care in the world and I will show you a naive set of parents who are in for the shock of their lives. It's the worriers, the nervous, that I trust. They know enough to have their socks scared off them and this means they will prepare and they are at least somewhat aware of the change coming their way. Yes, it's "normal" and absolutely essential, to have some nerves if you have half a clue what you're getting yourself into.

You see, with my oldest son, I was nervous about picking him up from the baby home because I was a new mom and had no idea if I would be a good parent. All my friends had infants, so I would be forging new ground with no sage wisdom to rely on. I would somewhat be feeling my way in the dark, and for an information hog, this is not a comfortable feeling. So, with my oldest, I was nervous about all the unknowns.

But then with the next two, and now with Mary Margaret, I am nervous in a different way. You see, I know all the love that pours out of your heart now when you add a child to your home. I know how you can love a pint sized human to the point of heart break, and still long for more. I know the pain you feel when they feel disappointment, loss, when their friend lets them down, when they are betrayed, when they fail, I know the pain they feel, and I know that I feel it 10X more than they do. I know they hold all the power to crush your heart with the slightest disappointment in you. So, still, I am nervous. I am afraid that my heart will fall to pieces the first time she has her heart broken. I am nervous that I will never be able to protect her (or the boys) from all the bad stuff that can happen in our world. I am nervous about how much more clearly I will see so many things as the mother of a daughter. My eyes have been so opened to the dangers for boys, to all the "worldly" draw that awaits them like wolves. Now I will fear the traps and pitfalls the world holds for a daughter too. So, nervous? You bet!

But, still, I can't wait for the day I walk out of that orphanage with Mary Margaret for the last time. I can't wait for the day she can pass through those gates with me holding her little hand. I can't wait for her first car ride to the hotel. I can't wait for her first plane ride, train ride, hotel stay, and the looks on her brothers' faces when we land in Nashville and they get their first real look at her. I can sit here and close my eyes and feel the cold air, smell the smells, and see the colors of the two separate cars we drove away from two separate orphanages in. Both my boys left with snow on the ground, so they were bundled head to toe. I can feel the squishy thickness in my arms, I can hear the sound of Vitaly's voice saying "Less Go!" I can remember the emotions that were running through my heart at the time. With Jack it was overwhelmed emotion and fear of not knowing what lay ahead, but also of jubilation that we finally could call ourselves parents! With Liam it was sheer joy at having saved him from a life of possibly not knowing the love of a parent and also joy to be his parents and knowing what a great brother we were giving him at home. When Connor was born, I had all the same dreams for him, but I was also a little sad that I couldn't give my other two boys the benefit of birth and knowing me from day 0 like Connor would.

Now, I am feeling nothing but anticipation for Mary Margaret. I am excited for the family that she has waiting for her. An entirely different group than what any of my other children have come home to. She has three brothers, eight cousins, and aunts and uncles that have since moved to Nashville and are close enough to really participate in her life. She has a secure and confident mom and dad. I don't know much about little girls, but I know I'm a good mom and I know how to love my children beyond reason. I know I have good kids and I know she's lucky to be getting them for brothers! And I already see a change in her daddy, I see an interest in getting her home quickly that is more urgent than it was before he met her. We talk about her and how much we wish she was home, and tonight, I am just dreaming of being able to hold her and rock her to sleep. But mostly of that MOMENT when I walk through that gate with her for the last time, and into her new life as my daughter!

Ephesians 1:5
In love he destined us for adoptoin to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will.