How do you "KNOW"?

Someone asked me today if we "connected" with our referral. First of all, she's a beautiful little girl in my opinion, but there is so much more to a person than how they look. How can you "connect" when you have nothing but looks to go on? I want to caution you, if you are a first time adopter, that the "love at first site" stories are sweet and touching, but a bit misleading. It can be difficult to connect with a child in a strange environment, where no one speaks your language, where the child is tentative and suspicious of you, where everyone is staring at you to see if you'll "connect", and where the child may not feel well or may have blue dots all over his face from bug bite medicine (ours did.) Just because you don't have that feeling that this is the moment you've lived your life for, doesn't mean that this is not your child. I mean, it's no different from couples who have the love at first site experience. I know there are people who look at a person and know that is the one, but then there are marriages that are just as happy and just as wonderful where it took the couple years to know they were meant to be together. It doesn't make their love any less valid and less "meant to be." So let me just caution anyone out there who thinks they will get a photo of a child and get this floaty feeling and they will KNOW that's the one. It might happen, if the child happens to have a particularly good hair day and they didn't wake her up from a nap to take the photo, but then again, she might just not be that photogenic and you might pass up an absolutely perfect child because you didn't connect with the photo. (Seriously folks, search the blogs and take a look at some of these referral photos, we're not exactly talking Glamour Shots here!:) It's alot of pressure to put on one instantaneous moment in time. It's very much why, in the end, I just couldn't request information on the little girl I fell in love with on the database. I knew that by the standards of the world (beauty alone) I could parent her. But I also knew that I didn't see her future, her personality, or her purpose, but God did and ultimately, I couldn't defer His plan to that of the world.

I believe very strongly that you have to meet a child before you know if there is a connection. Now all that to say, I have a photo (only one) of our referral and she is everywhere. I am already in love with the idea of her. I love her little face, her little hands, her little nose. I already bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I'm in love with her beauty. But I know nothing of her personality, her development, her mind, her mental state, etc. I have very high hopes that we will connect and it will be the moment I've waited my entire life for. But if our love takes a little time to grow, that's okay too, because I've been down that road before and I know it leads somewhere beautiful too.

During our adoptions, God has always been gracious enough to give me little "red threads" (as the Chinese call them.) These are little signs that God uses to reassure us that we are on the right path. With our oldest son, it was his name. Without going into the whole story, we were very perplexed about what to do at referral time before we met our son. We were given a choice of two children, and this little 'red thread' lead us to our son. Our driver in Moscow was actually totally instrumental in getting us the referral too, so no one ever underestimate the importance of your driver. Ours was clearly our angel and very skilled in the nuances of adoption!

With our middle son, his name was also the name of one of our grandfathers. There were a dozen little 'red threads' that confirmed that he was our son. We felt very comforted by these things.

This time around, we have already seen a little glimpse of a 'red thread' in our daughter's referral. I won't say too much about it because you know the whole Thomas thing, but it's as close as I can come to believing that she is THE ONE.

Don't you find it sometimes amazing how a seemingly meaningless conversation can get you pondering something very deep for a long time? Since this conversation this morning, I have thought alot about this process and what leads certain parents to their children. And I just got to thinking about this myth that seems to perpetuate out there that when you see a photo you will just know. You might, but if you don't "connect" on the spot, don't let it fool you. Beauty is the only thing that could connect you in a photo, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't believe me? I guarantee you there is no mother in the world with an ugly child! As my neighbor once told me, "Do you think we would love him so much if he wasn't so cute?" Her husband replied, "For all we know, he's not!" :) Perfectly said!

Let me just say that I don't think the person who asked me this question meant in any way "Is she pretty?" I don't think she is someone who is using beauty as her guide in accepting a referral. I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand, it's just where my mind went with the conversation and how many of these same discussions I've had over the years.

2 Corinthians 4:7-10
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the suprassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."