The Endless Waiting

I spoke with our agency representative yesterday. She assures us we will be registered on April 14, but then again, as she pointed out, they have assured us before and to no avail. However, now that we know of a specific child, we are more anxious than ever. This adds to the weight of the wait because at any time, we could be back to square one, which would feel like a major setback at this point. We've already started to bond to this child (well, at least I have as I have stared a hole through the photo.) I am sewing clothing again with her in mind specifically. Everything I had made was sized two, so I am back at the machine sewing twelve to eighteen months now. And on top of it all, I am not sure if being "aware" of this child is actually the same as having a "referral" for her, so it's all the more heart twisting to be sitting here twiddling our thumbs.

On the practical side of things, we are being told to prepare for being in St. Pete on April 20. But not to make any arrangements yet because we won't know for sure until April 14th that we are being invited to come that specific week. UGH!!! I want to apply for visas and book travel. THAT would be exciting! But instead, I am sitting here planning to have nothing going on for me or the boys the week of the 20th. Do we reschedule first communion based on a "maybe"? We can't apply for visas until our apartment reservations are done. But that means that we will have NO time to spare if we find out on the 14th that we are leaving on the 19th, we will have to FedEx the visa apps to NY, pay for one business day turnaround (at over 2x the price). That means they will turn it around by Thursday in hopes that FedEx is on time and gets it to us on Friday! Whew... talk about a roller coaster. I just want to DO something. I have all this advance notice but can't actually plan anything... if you know me, you know this is the equivalent of torture to me.

But, I know I have to put this in God's capable and sovereign hands. I know that if this little girl is THE child He chose for us before the beginning of time, FedEx can't keep us apart. And I know that if she is not, it will be another step in grief that we will have to rely on the ultimate Healer to cure. Either way, I know God is sovereign and I know that He cares very specifically for our family and our daughter. Even though I can't comfort her, He can. I can't hold her, but His angels can. And I just have to trust that He is.

If you have a box of tissues handy, you have to go to this site: www.myspace.com/igrace and listen to the song titled "Sweet Amelia". This is a song written about my friend, Wendy Twit's daughter. Basically, her husband gave Wendy's journal to a songwriter and she put the words of expectancy and anticipation to music. I wish I could link it to play on the blog, but I haven't gotten that technical yet! :)

"Many plans are in a man's heart, but the cousel of the Lord will stand." Proverbs 19:21