The unbridled Thomas

Well, Thomas is a persistent fellow. He doesn't let up, no matter how good things seem to be. Now that the visas seem to be in order (I spoke to the Consulate today and they should arrive on April 25; I could go on a tangent here about how worried I am that the passports are not in the envelope or that FedEx would lose them, but what's the point?), the tickets are booked, my mom has the vacation days to come stay with the kids, my sister-in-law has the ability to come help my mom, the hotel is arranged, and we are registered, it seems Thomas needed something else to dig at me about. So, here we are.

Brian and I have never traveled with an advance referral before. We've always traveled "blind", meaning we receive NO information prior to arriving at the Ministry of Education. Contrary to popular belief, we did not PICK OUT our children. (The very idea!) Our boys were both assigned to us by the MOE. So, now Thomas is digging at me about the referral. I told myself that an advance referral would make things so much easier, we could have a comfort level from having spoken with Dr. Heil prior to travel and wouldn't feel the need to use a Russian doctor. But now what I am finding is an attachment to the little girl in this photo. I have bought clothing with her dark hair in mind. I have her referral photo framed in my kitchen, she's on Brian's dresser, she's on the refrigerator with a magnet. She's everywhere. And we're bonding to the idea of her. I am starting to think of her as Mary Margaret. So, now the fear kicks in. What if we get there and she's not the one? What if there is some terrible mix up or if her mother returns for her, or any number of things that can and DO happen to great folks every day in this process? What then? How do you pick up and move forward? I don't know what makes me such a doubting Thomas. I don't know why I can't just trust that God is doing something good and there won't be any snares or bumps. I think this line of thinking started for me when I got the call that my sister had been killed in a car accident. I think once you get that call, you're never the same again. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Once you've lived through that kind of family shattering event, your naivete is gone, you're Pollyanna goggles are off, you know the pain of answering the phone at 10 PM. So, I think that started this thought process for me. I think infertility cemented it into my bones. I've talked to other people who have gotten that phone call and it's something they experience to. Once your eyes are open to that kind of pain, you're going to be gun-shy for the rest of your life, I suppose.

The thing is, I am overly and abundantly blessed. God has held me and blessed me through every event and tragedy in my life. Some of the times I have been closest to God are some of the worst times of my life. My footprints really do look like that poem about the footprints in the sand. There's no question for me that I have so much to be thankful for. I am not one of these people for whom things never work out. I seem to have fortune in every circumstance. Certainly I have a life already that I don't deserve and could never earn. So why the pessimistic expectations? I don't know. I think I have a fear of letting myself believe that the greatest dream of my married life is about to come true. It just seems to good to be true, honestly.

When Brian and I were trying to conceive, I remember praying on my back porch one day and clearly feeling God telling me that I would have a home full of children and to put away my fear. I believed it in that moment, and look what He has accomplished in a short eight years of my life. Nine years ago today, I was in the pit of hell, and today my life is full and wonderful. I am loved by three incredible boys and a host of family and friends like no other. I have a husband who is my friend and a marriage that is not difficult. What more could I want? A daughter! Bringing Mary Margaret home will fulfill my life's dream of parenting both sons and daughters. This is a longing that so many people just can't understand. I have friends who have multiple boys and no desire for a daughter. But that's not who God made me. He planted this desire in me from the beginning. He nurtured it, even when I prayed for Him to take it away from me. And now I BELIEVE that He can and WILL bring this to fruition. But the Thomas in me needs to see the ink on the decree, the plane landing in Nashville, and the boys adjusting and loving their little sister.

Romans 4:3
"For what does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness."

Romans 4:18, 20-21
"In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations, according to that which had been spoken, "So shall your descendants be. ...yet with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God. And being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."