Happy Trails!

Well, this is it. The adoption is done, we've settled in to life with four kiddos, and I think it's time to officially move all this back over to my original blog (http://ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. Click the title of this post to jump over there now... and be sure to bookmark me so you can come back for a visit! I have so enjoyed devoting all this time to Meg's adoption, dreaming of her before we knew her, and all the support the blog community has offered me.

Thank you, sincerely, to everyone who has commented. Honestly, I would check my e-mail for news from the agency, then the very next thing I would do is look for comments on the blog because they were always so encouraging and it was always so good to hear from folks who "knew" my struggles first hand. The only way you can possibly know what you have meant to me through our adoption is if you have walked it and lived it, and to all of you who have, I am SO SO SO grateful! You truly brought me through so many storms with your comments, your prayers, and your sharing of your own lives through your respective blogs.

I really hope that all of you will join me over at "Living the Dream"
. If not, I will miss hearing from all your fun and wise comments, as well as sharing that part of my life with my "virtual friends."

On one parting note regarding Meg, I feel that we have really turned a corner with her in the past few weeks in terms of her attachment. She is showing all the classic signs that she has accepted her new life and is embracing us as her family. She makes great eye contact, she turns to us when she is hurt or upset, she displays normal toddler emotions in appropriate ways (i.e. hardly ever hits or scratches), ventures out on her own into other rooms now, can let me get out of her sight for short bursts of time without falling apart, clings on to us when we hold her, buries her head in our chests when she is upset, goes to bed with no problem at all and wakes at a normal hour each morning. She is eating constantly. I can't wait to get back to Dr. Heil's office and see what she weighs now because the girl has food in her mouth 24x7. I know this is also typical PI behavior, but it's within normal range and not obsessive so I am not too overly concerned about it. I just try to give her healthy choices and let her eat several small meals throughout the day.

I wish the ladies at the orphanage could see her now. She has this goofy sense of humor. Just today she was sitting on the potty (her idea, not mine) and she kept crossing her eyes (I mean to the point where I thought they would disappear behind her nose) and laughing hysterically. She loves the dogs. She is the most limber person I've ever seen, she sits in her car seat and cracks her brothers up by putting her feet behind her head and smacking her legs.

We had so much fun today getting out all our fall clothes, the weather is turning cooler here. To steal a line from the Indigo Girls, "summer's beginning to give up the fight." It's this time of year that my thoughts always turn to Russia naturally because we made our first ever trip to Russia in September of 2000. So, with that, it seems a very fitting time and place to say farewell to this chapter of our life and move on to the next chapter, the full on adventure of parenting three boys and a beautiful little girl.

God bless you, and keep you safely in the palm of His ever loving hand! I will continue to pray for each and every one of you whose children are yet in the hands of their Father and longing for the love of a family.

Ephesians 1:5
"he destined us for adoption to himself through Jesus Christ, in accord with the favor of His will."

Happy Trails! Ondrea Harrison
"Every child deserves to have someone who knows them. Someone who knows what
they like for dinner. Someone who knows that math is hard for them.
Every child deserves a mother. For some children, this can only be achieved through adoption!
Please continue to pray for orphans everywhere!"

Forsaken

I am in the process of blending my blogs, but while this is still Meg's blog alone, I want to write a bit of a parting post. A sort of summation of some things I want on the record for her.

I have been reading the book The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans this past week. It has stirred up some very deep and suppressed emotions in me for the birth mothers that gave life to three of my children. I can say first hand, as a bio mom myself, that I cannot imagine having to come to the realization that my child would have better chances at life without me than with me. I think sometimes birth moms get "villianized" by their choices, and certainly in this book about the abandoned girls in China, many people judge these birth mothers for their actions. But the first thing I want to point out is that all of these mothers chose life for their children. This wasn't a flippant act as abortion is readily available in both Russia and China. This was a selfless act on the part of these women to at least give this child a shot at life. And how thankful I am that these three precious women did. They will all (two Galina's and an Aziza) forever be in my prayers and thoughts for the gifts they have given me in my children. As Beth Moore says so perfectly, "There has never in the history of the world been an unwanted adopted child." No truer words were ever spoken, just ask any adoptive mom!

The first passage I came to in the book that stirred a chord with me was this, "Translated, one document says simply that this little girl was 'found forsaken'..." This quote, in referrence to the author's daughter sent a chill down my spine. In a way, all our children have been forsaken. But it's such an emotional word. It raises such difficult images in my mind. Probably from my Christian upbringing where forsaking Christ is such a huge sin, it carries, for me, connotations of gravely ill intent. However, I don't think that there is ill intent in many of the cases of orphans around the world. We simply can't imagine a life where the greatest majority of our effort and thoughts are based on survival, not on inward emotions or concerns. But certainly, this word, forsaken, does apply to all but the minority of children who are true orphans (meaning both parents are deceased.) However, by forsaking their children, these mothers gave their children to me and the most amazing fulfillment of God's grace and love came from that forsaking. This reenforces my belief that all life has a right to exist and that God can redeem even the most lowly of situations, even the forsaken!

The second thing I marked in this book was a bit less depressing, and much more about the fulfillment that only adoption can bring in so many cases. The paragraph reads this way, "When I hugged her, she felt full and warm - and necessary - in my arms, as if she were settling into a dent in my chest that I hadn't realized was so cavernous. Babies are made for this, I know, thanks to some evolutionary scheme that opens mysterious places in us into which only babies can fit." This reminded me of my daughter. There were so many times when this process got difficult (and believe me, my first two adoptions were a breeze compared to this one) when I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. Maybe I had exceeded my quotient on blessings and I should stop while I was ahead. Maybe I was asking too much to know the love of a daughter. But when I got off that plane with her in Nashville, I had the revelation that the cavernous place in my chest that had longed for a daughter was filled and that there was no question in my mind that my family was complete. The years of doggedly pursuing these children had culminated in this perfect moment, in the Nashville airport, surrounded by most of the people who really matter to me in my life. It was a moment that is equal in my heart to any moment I have ever experienced to date.

A more stark and disturbing part of this book is the time she devotes to the devastating reality of life in China (or Russia too, for that matter) where parents are forced to forsake thousands of untold children each year. The details are different in Russia and China, but the circumstances surrounding the reasons are not all that different. Families have more children than they can afford to feed. Couples have exceeded the limit of children they can sustain. Single women with no support network find themselves pregnant and alone in the world. It comes down to survival many, many times. Even sadder, often, are the single moms who try to care for their children, in a valiant effort of love, but fail miserably because they are incapable due to alchohol dependency, social circumstance, or economic hardship. Many times, it's these children, whose mother's make the easier choice to hold on to their child, who suffer the most. And these children, who spend the first months or years with their mother, who enter the orphanages older and with decreased chances at every finding a family. Karin says in her book, "Flying home from China with my arms full, I had a bittersweet feeling. Mixed with the waves of gratitude about our own good fortune was a kind of undercurrent, a faint cry in the distance. It had to do, I realized, not just with lingering questions about the babies' lost mothers and fathers, but also with the vague knowledge of the other lost children. Numbers to big to grasp circled around." I know this feeling. Not just understand or grasp this feeling, but in my bones, hurt with her kind of know. I have this bittersweet emotion for Russia. I long for the well-being of my dear friends there. I understand the struggle of the people. And I am also accutely aware that I profited for the state of their economy. Mrs. Evans says, "All it takes to bring the statistics to life is to look into the face of one small child. Then all the numbers come with faces - and they are not easy to look in the eye." What do I do with all that knowing? Where do I go with that when I put my head on the pillow at night? One of my favorite books, The Poisonwood Bible, has a character talking about being hungry. She says once you've known real, bone-deep hunger, you can never fully love again someone who hasn't experienced that hunger. I agree. There is a barrier that unwittingly fits itself forever between me and people who don't "know" the pain of orphans and the burden for them. You don't have to be an adoptive parent to "get it." You just have to "get it."

Finally, I would like to end by saying that I have a debt that is unpayable to Mary Margaret's birth mother. I can't imagine the life of this woman, a foreigner in St. Petersburg Russia, a minority immigrant in a country where racial predjudice is still spoken about openly and an accepted way of thinking in many cases. I can only hope that her life is not a statistic, but that Meg came to be by a difficult life situation, not a way of life that haunts this woman. However, I do wish I knew with certainty. I wish I could tell her how exceedingly beautiful her daughter is. I wish she could see her laugh, run, fight for herself, defend her brothers against others, and learn new words every single day. I wish she could know that the daughter she forsook, now sleeps in a pink princess room and wears dresses almost every day of her life. I wish she could see how brave she is, sitting next to the dog while he eats and petting him, throwing the ball for our 85 pound Golden like he is a Chihuaha. I wish I could ask her 1,000 questions about herself and link some of Meg's funny and quirky behaviors to a parent or grandparent. Will she have a talent for music or sports? Will she like dark haired boys or fair? These questions will likely go unanswered forever and continue to reveal themselves to us as little gifts and surprises every day for the rest of Meg's life. I wish I could let her birth mother know that the haunting thoughts she must have can be quieted because she is safe and loved and wanted! Meg has a future and a promise because of the selfless act of this woman and I wish I could let her know!

Mark 11:25
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Speak now or forever hold your peace!

Okay all you faithful few readers, I am asking for your input. Please come out of hiding and post your thoughts. Here's the topic... what should I do with my blog? I feel that more and more, my two blogs are melding and the separation between life with four kids and adoption are blurring. Meg's blog seems to become less and less about the journey to adopt her and more and more about life with her. But that leaves me with a tough choice to make when life with her overlaps life with my boys (which, obviously, is every day.) SO, here's the question... if there are tons of folks who feel like this blog is helpful from an adoption standpoint and would not want to weed through the funny stories about my parenting snafus and just general muckety muck to get to that, then by all means, I'll keep it separate. And I know that sometimes as an adoptive parent, I didn't tune in nearly as much to the "family" blogs as I did to the adoption only blogs. So, I totally understand if your vote is to keep it separate.

In other news, we are fostering another Golden this week. (Shhh, if you see my husband, don't tell him. He's out of town and doesn't know.) Anyway, I know, I know... as my neighbor put it, "Things were calm yesterday so I feel ready for the step of adding a foster dog to the mix." hahaha Anyway, I'm a sucker for anything homeless and when the rescue lady called and begged me, I couldn't turn her down. After all, we've had some very interesting fosters in the past (see my other blog for stories about our narcoleptic puppy... who happened to be named Meg.) Anyway, I digress, again. Our new foster is Luke. He's a total sweety. He is on the floor in Meg's room as we speak, sleeping by her bed. The door is open, as always, so he can come out whenever he wants, but he is just laying there next to her. So sweet! I'm telling you, Golden's can have annoying traits, not the least of which is all the shedding, but you'll never find a sweeter breed with children. They are positively maternal!

So, please don't forget to voice your opinions on the blog poll.

James 1:5
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Ondrea

Things I love....

I love that my daughter is so girly!

I love that she moves her dress out of the way of the door when she is getting into her cozy coupe.

I love that she is tough. She will fake drama cry with the best of them, but when she is really hurt, she recovers really quickly. Tonight she ran hard into the edge of a table at Bosco's. She knocked herself onto the floor, cheerios flying, and literally cried so hard she almost threw up, but she was over it in about three minutes and onto something else. She has her first shiner though.

I love that she knows what she wants. Sometimes it's the bain of my existance, but I do know in the long run that she will be more able to resist peer pressure and stand up to the things she knows aren't right for her.

I love that everywhere we go, people stare at her and comment on how beautiful she is.

I love that I love her so much and am so contented and completed by having her in my life.

I love that when I started to put these jeans on her today (albeit fluffy/girly jeans) she cried and did not want to put them on! :)

I love that she runs sqeauling for her daddy whenever she sees him. If he's been gone two seconds or two days, she runs to him when she sees him.

I love that she is mine and that she has been here two months and it already feels like she's been here her entire life.

I can't believe that two months ago, her little tummy had not seen the light of day, and now she wears a bikini and boats and swims. Two months ago, she had never seen beyond the eight foot walls of her orphanage, now she has been to Moscow, Atlanta, and Nashville along with a million other things she has experienced outside those walls.

I look at her and all the ways her world has changed in the past two months, how adored she is by her brothers and her extended family, not to mention her doting mother and father, and I just can't help but marvel at the miracle God has performed for her and for us. It's truly amazing to think about.

I talked alot about that red thread thing the Chinese believe. Last night I read the belief of the red thread is that when we are born, there is an invisible red thread tied around each of our ankles, linking us to our "destiny" in life. The thread may be wound around many people, through several countries and over many decades, but our lives are spent following that red thread to the other end, the other "ankle" it's tied around. I believe that all four of my children were connected to Brian and I by the red thread and now we all have a red thread trailing behind us, hanging from our ankles, everywhere we go, because God allowed us to find each other.

Someone asked me yesterday if having a daughter was everything I thought it would be. My answer? "I am complete. I have no regrets in this life from here forward. I know that my children are home. I am content! I know that my heart will always be with orphans. I know it's my life calling to continue to be connected to them. But I know beyond a doubt that I am done adopting and that all my children are home! I am happy and fulfilled! I am complete."

Above all and every thing, with every cell of my being I know that God has spared me from myself. He brought my children into my life to save me from an empty and baren existence. He rescued me and redeemed me through the beautiful lives of these four little souls. He gave me a purpose on the earth and a promise for the future. He has lavished me with His mercy, love, and kindness through the gifts of these precious ones. I am thankful for two months with my precious daughter. And I am thankful for the abundant blessing that is my family.

Isaiah 30:18
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compasion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

On vacation from Bloggerland

Sorry folks, I have been on a little vacation from Bloggerland. Though it's hard to call it a "vacation" the way my nerves are all up in a knot. But still, I must admit I've been rendevousing in another place lately and it's severely cut into my blog time. I've been in Election World. Last week we made a stop off at the DNC. It was a very feel good place to visit. But this week we are at RNC and of course, you know, I have to say this feels alot more like home! So, sorry if you tuned in hoping for an adoption update and all you're getting is my take on how freakin' amazing the GOP ticket is this time... I mean, this is the dream team! But it's history in the making and I want to record it for my daughter. I mean, think of this, if McCain/Palin win this election, PALIN will be the incumbent presidential candidate in either four or eight years. A WOMAN on the top of the ticket, almost by default. That is something that I would love to see in my lifetime! This is your fair warning... it's getting ready to get seriously one sided in here and if you can't take the heat or don't care about my opinion... PLEASE stop reading now before your image of me plummets!
So, excuse me while I get all fired up here, but I just got booted off the TV and now all these psyched up emotions have to go somewhere.... here are the top five reasons I'm voting for McCain/Palin:
1) Most important, in my opinion, is that the next president will most likely appoint at least one (probably two) supreme court justices. If you ever were serious about being pro-life, this is your chance to really put your money where your mouth is. It's most likely my generation's last shot at righting the wrong of Roe v. Wade. Think about it, once these two justices are replaced, the court is fairly young (it's a lifetime appointment) and the scales will tip liberal or conservative with THIS presidency. There is no turning back from the coming appointments and this is our shot! Imagine a world where it's not a Constitutional RIGHT to kill an unborn baby, but rather a decision that each state can make for it's own residents. (And don't give me all the BS scenarios about days when abortion was illegal and women were forced into back allies. You could make that argument about every criminal in the history of time being forced to commit their crime in secrecy because their chosen evil was illegal. How 'bout we go ahead and legalize heroine so addicts don't have to hang in crack houses with dirty needles. K? K!) And also don't give me the one about there being some things worse than death. If you're going to use that standard to support abortion, I can pretty much guarantee you would have chosen death for three of my four children, after all, they were born into a struggling country, to parents who were less than ideal in the parenting field, and left in institutions that couldn't fulfill their most basic needs. Their chances at a "normal" life were VERY slim statistically and the chance that they would escape the cycle that put them there in the first place was even more grim... so by the "some things are worse than death" scenario, my kiddos wouldn't be here and that is pretty much saying God is limited in how far down He can redeem someone. Now that we're clear on my pro-life stance, let's move on before I get militant.
2) Fred Thompson nailed it when he summed up the Obama tax plan. Obama keeps saying he's not going to tax the average American, just the wealthy and businesses. As Thompson said, "Okay, this will only affect you if you happen to buy something from a business like gas, clothes or groceries." Come on people, Democrats are supposed to be the "enlightened ones" (you know you all say it behind our backs) but this is very simple economics! You can do the math... stay with me here!
3) McCain is an American hero. When's the last time we had one of those in the White House? Seriously, when did you ever, in our time, see a guy that you could just get fired up about how much he gave for our country? This guys spent YEARS in a POW camp and when he was coming back from being tortured by the Vietnamese, he would give the thumbs up to the other POWs as he passed their cells to encourage them on their way too. Talk about moral character... tested, proven! McCain speaks from conviction and there are plenty of things he's said that are less than popular with Republicans. This is why I loved him in 2000, why I loved him in the primaries and why I'm diverting adoption blog space to talk about him now. You may not agree with him, but you have to respect his moral character.
4) Obama scares me. I know that there are alot of people who don't want to answer or don't know how to answer the question about Obama sitting under a pastor like Jeremiah Wright for 20 years. I have yet to hear an intelligible argument for why he thought that was a good idea, unless he agrees with his radical views. Here you have a guy that believes the AIDS virus was created by the government to implant in the black population and he is fervently convicted that we brought 9/11 on ourselves and went so far as to damn our country. People want to say that maybe these are just a few and infrequent sermon series and that on an average Sunday, he was a "normal" pastor. Folks, you aren't that on fire about something and not be spewing it all the time. When you are passionately convicted about something, you LIVE it, you BREATHE it, and you better believe you're talking about it if you have a captive audience. A very very dear friend of mine pointed out to me that if Obama really embraced Wright's teachings, he would undoubtedly show signs of the same level of crazed thinking. However, I also really believe that when you are as smooth and polished as the past few Dem candidates we've seen, you rarely make a misstep. I leave you with Bill and Hill for prime examples, everything they do (down to the last tear and hand-hold) or say is calculated for dramatic affect. Obama is no less a politician than the HillBills and no less eloquent and driven, and I firmly believe anti-American thinking could be well smothered under the layers. At the very least, he's been exposed to dangerously radical thinking from someone he considers a mentor.
5) COME ON.... WHERE is the adoption community here? People, RISE UP! An International Adoptee in the White House? Do you really think we would need to spread around these e-mails asking people to call their Senators to support making the tax credit permanent if the first daughter was an international adoptee? Just as Sarah Palin promised that every family with a special needs child would have a friend in the White House, so will every International Adoptee!

And here's a bonus #6 reason to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket... because I'm one of those "small town" people who "bitterly cling to my guns and my religion"!

Okay, now, Meg Update.... breaking news! I'm NOT taking her back to MDO. I spent the last two days trying to undo the affects of the classroom environment and that was with me sitting with her. To the average eye, this would not probably even look like a problem. She hasn't been scratching or hitting or any of that, but she has been more sensitive and more clingy and she has been just generally sorting things out. I think it's spooked her. Today we were at the Y playing in Kids Gym with Connor and a well-meaning staffer picked her up to show her something and she just about totally lost it! So, I'm taking my mom's advice. I'm hiring a housekeeper, spending the time with Meg, and cob-webs be darned... hopefully the social worker will not bring her white gloves when she comes to do our post placement visit. :)

I'm reading a book right now called "The Lost Daughters of China." It's fascinating! And it has me thinking ALOT about Meg's birth mother, wherever she is in Russia or Uzbekistan. I am saving it for a separate post, but wanted to share the book title because it's a very thought-provoking look at the abandonment of children, especially in China, and the circumstances that surround it and how some parents are left with very little choice. I'll start to recommend it to all those well-meaning folks who judge my kids' birthmoms and say, "I could never abandon my child." We live such a life of unparalelled choices and freedoms and wealth that most of us really can't imagine situations where we would abandon a child, but that's because fortune smiled on us and bore us into the Land of the Free!

Deuteronomy 11:19
"Teach these things to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Or maybe not?

School started today for Connor and Meg. I dropped a very reluctant Connor off in his four year old Pre-K class. I still don't understand why this child, who has attended the same school, classes all on the same hall, for two years (starting his third) cries EVERY time I drop him off. I know the teachers can't be mean to him because other kids in his class run in excited to be in school. But, still, there's Connor, a year away from Kindergarten, not wanting to separate from Mom.

After I dropped Connor off, I went upstairs to the nursery with Meg. She is registered for two days/week in the 18-24 month room. She definitely enjoyed playing with the other kids. She played on the slide in the room, played with the different toys and listened to the teacher read a few books. She sat on the rug for circle time, but didn't really participate. I stayed with her the entire time 1) to get her used to the room and 2) to see how she would do in the setting. It was pretty stressful to her. She didn't cry at all, but she kept coming over to me and pinching my arm. When the teacher brought out the snacks, Meg would take some from the teacher, walk over and put them in my hand, and then eat them from me. While these are all terrific signs that she is connected to me, they are not such a ringing endorsement for this being a good idea with Mothers Day Out. I have parented long enough to know not to judge a situation by a one time experience. We will try it again on Thursday, I will stay with her again, and we'll see how it goes. As she gets more comfortable with me there, then I might be able to leave her for short bursts of time, even if it's just to go to the grocery or to run somewhere for a moment. But on the other hand, it's so not worth jeopardizing the progress we've made for me to have a few hours of privacy. I can just as easily do all those things with her in tow, just like I did with Connor, and we'll manage. Connor didn't start MDO until he was 2. Liam didn't either. Jack was the only one who went to day care before his second birthday, and that was because I was working. Ironically, he was the most bonded and quickly transitioned of all four of my kiddos. (Well, no one is more bonded than Connor, but that's another story.) Anyway, there have been so many posts lately about families having to transition their kids into day-care and how difficult it has been on these families. All I could think of when I was sitting there in that room was that so many families would give their front teeth to be home with their kiddos and here I am, home, and just putting her into mother's day out so I can get my house cleaned, etc. Like I said, we'll give it a few more days, but right now I'm thinking I'll just take the pre-school tuition and pay a housekeeper and spend the one on one time with my daughter instead.

Psalm 32:8
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

These are the days....

I want to thank all of you for your posts both on and off blog. I also want to say that the ones that mean the absolute most to me (and coincidentally are the entire reason I posted in the first place) are the ones that say someone was encouraged by my post or appreciated knowing they were "normal" or not alone in their experience. That's the whole and total reason I share the dirty details of a day in our life.

But now let me also say, because SO many of my friends and family (thank you so much) have been very concerned about Meg since I posted this. I want to tell you that 90% of our day is a very normal looking day for a family of six. Meg is an absolutely DELIGHTFUL child. She is fun, go with the flow, eager to learn and be a part of every thing that goes on here. She is daring, more and more every day she tries new things and tackles new words. She is happy and giggling and squealing and running and jumping and playing in the rain with her brothers and trying SO hard to ride a tricycle. She is learning sign language like nobodies business and just tonight she pulled out a new one on me (Help) which I had only shown her once, when she wanted me to cut a plum for her. So, the angry fits I described in the past post are a reality in our life. They break my heart. They make me realize we have further to go than I thought we did. BUT, they are not how we live our days. And in fact, I may have discovered the beginning of the end of the fits anyway.

As I mentioned I called my friend who is an attachment therapist (if you need one in the Nashville area, you are crazy if you don't call her... but you'll have to call me to get her number because she doesn't have a blog, though she should... but I digress... again.) Anyway, it so happened that on Wednesday I was in her office for some training on a whole separate issue unrelated to our adoption and after the training class was over she said she had about ten minutes and for me to write down some games for Meg from her Thera Play book. The games are fun, but that wasn't the progress. I told her that I thought I had discovered the way to remove Meg's "power" when she hits me and she patted me on the back as if she had been waiting a very long time for me to realize that this was the correct path, young Jedi. And that is that I TOTALLY ignore it. I don't acknowledge it in any way, other than I am sure I flinch sometimes because she can get a good whack in. I don't talk about it, I don't look at her, I don't look like anything even happened. The fit is immediately diffused. We have been doing this since Wednesday and she has stopped hitting so much. Also, when she does hit, she usually will hit me two, maybe three times and when it gets no reaction, she tries to get a laugh out of me by pulling my hair over my eyes, playing peek-a-boo, or making a funny face. When she does that, we laugh together and move on. Like I said, the hitting has decreased dramatically, so instead of 25 times a day she's smacking me and we are going through the whole "reconnection" dance, now I think we had two times today when she hit me and both of them were after 7:00 (past her bedtime because we were at Jack's baseball game) and she was hungry because the ham and cheese she had at 5:30 had left her and she was signing "eat" over and over.) So I think in this circumstance, all she knew to do to get her point across was whack me. But even then, when I didn't react, she moved on. So I am sure, like everything else, just when I have a little success, we'll take two steps backward, but for the past two days, we've made great strides toward a less violent expression of anger. If you saw us together as a family or she and I one on one you would never think anything was wrong.

I do, however, keep reminding myself that even though she isn't hitting me, she is still not used to being reconnected with after a "rupture" in a relationship. So I do have to keep making sure that I consciously reconnect even if she seems fine. More times than not, she is so sad when I tell her no, and it's like it has just hurt her last feeling.

So, now that we're clear on how wonderful, perfect, precious, beautiful, and absolutely delightful my daughter is, you can all feel free to agree with me in some more comments! :)

And oh, yeah, I am so excited to be "bumping into" other bloggers that are in Nashville that I didn't know about. How exciting! :)

And another Oh Yeah, I got my new, fabulous ERGO baby Carrier in the mail this week. If you don't have one and if you are adopting or if you are a baby wearer, please do yourself a HUGE favor and get this thing. It's AMAZING!!!! I have terrible back pains when I wear my old carrier and Meg was not fitting right in the sling (maybe too tall??) but the Ergo is AMAZING! Did I say that already? I wore Meg through an entire 1.5 hour PTO meeting, standing 90% of the meeting. She actually fell asleep in front of 35 women with me talking to the group, that's how secure she felt in it. And my back never had a pain. When I took her off and into her car seat, I wasn't sweaty, my back didn't ache and I was happy to have gotten through the meeting without incident. So.... two thumbs up for the Ergo! :)

God is GOOD all the time!

Psalm 71:5
"For you have been my hope, O Sovereighn Lord, my confidence since my youth."

Her precious broken heart....

Meg's heart is broken. I didn't realize how broken it was because she was holding it together pretty well for a little sprite. But it's broken and now that she is starting to realize I'm here for good, she's lettin' it all hang out. I will caution you, this post is not for the faint of heart. Mom, you might want to stop reading now because I might really freak you out, but here goes.

Meg has regressed a bit in her behavior. This is totally normal. I know all the text-book answers to why this is happening. I have seen the diagrams and illustrations on attachment theory, etc. etc. etc. I have even attended classes as a social worker on counseling families on attachment parenting, etc. But when you see a little bitty heart that is YOUR heart, YOUR daughter, and it's broken and you can't "fix" it, then it's really sad. Anyway, regression is normal. It's like any normal developmental stage, you learn a skill and then you might regress just a little while you're figuring out how to utilize that skill. I didn't freak out too much when she started rejecting Brian on Thursday of last week. I know these things ebb and flow. I know that she is hitting more, but that too will just take time, after all, it's only been about six weeks. However, I put my foot down today when she started scratching and clawing at my face with a mournful cry that was primal and terrifying. I was not going to let myself go on in the idea that it's normal when it's that deep. So I called my friend, Marianne, who is one of the best attachment therapists in our area, and she just happens to be one of my dearest friends. She is truly an ANGEL that God sent into my life before we ever adopted because He knew I was going to need her for a very long time. I can't tell you what this woman has brought me through in the ten years I've known her, I owe her a huge debt. But anyway, back to today.

Marianne explained to me that although Meg has been corrected, there has never been a reconnection after the correction. She was told No, or whatever, and then left to get over it whether she liked it or not. She had to figure out how to regulate those emotions on her own. Now that I am trying to reconnect with her after a correction, she doesn't know what to do with the emotion it brings out in her. So, it goes like this: Meg does something (marking on the walls, hitting the TV, hitting me, hitting her brother, trying to get candy, etc. etc.) and I very gently say, "Let's do X instead." I try not to say "no" because I know that just immediately sends her into a puddle of tears. So she throws herself on the floor and cries. I go to her to try to calm her and I pick her up. She hits me. I take her hand and tell her "gentle touch" and try to rub her hand on my face (which I have been doing for weeks and she usually smiles, rubs my face, and all is well again.) This time she grabs my hair and pulls very hard. I don't react, I just take her hand back to my face and say, "Nice touch." She scratches the heck out of my face and grabs for another handful of skin. I put her in the baby hold position and just gently sway with her, shushing and rubbing her face and hands and hair and softly telling her it's okay, Mommy loves her, etc. etc. etc. She is crying this terrified mournful cry like she is lost on the ocean or something. My heart is absolutely breaking for her.

So of course, I start to think of all the things I have done that were probably too much for her. I shouldn't have let my neighbor hold her during the PTO meeting. I shouldn't let the neighborhood girls come and play with her, I should play with her more and on and on. I called Marianne... what should I do?

Marianne is truly a God-send. First, she tells me that I'm not exactly approaching it right. Marianne has this great way of saying, "That's okay, but next time you might try.... " She says that I should usually be the one to initiate the "repair", but I don't need to pick her up. I need to go sit near her with my arms out and softly ask her to come to me. She said that I should let her have her blanket (her preferred item of comfort) during the episode, with the goal that I will eventually be the replacement for the blanket, but until then, she needs the thing that has helped her calm herself in the past. I should just sit with her until she is calm enough and ready to come to me.

So, tonight we have another episode, very similar to the one in the afternoon that sent me calling my personal 911 (because I told her it was time for bed and we couldn't draw anymore.) This time, I handled it totally differently. I was already holding her because I had started toward her room. She started pulling my hair and scratching at me and sobbing. I tried to kiss her hands and she scratched my lower eye-lid (pretty good too.) This time, I immediately got her blanket and sat down in the rocker with her. She was still sobbing, but she put the blanket up to her face, like she always does when she's sleepy, nervous, etc. etc. and within less than two minutes, she took her finger and started rubbing my lips. (Not her whole hand because she couldn't let go of the blanket.) But I took this as a sign that she was calm enough to meet me in the repair instead of me having to force the repair on her.

Yesterday, when I tried to reconnect, she didn't have her blanket and I held her and rocked her, but she was crying so hard that she gagged several times. I think this was somewhat for dramatic affect because she would always look at me to see how I would react. I would just say, "It's okay, if you need to throw up, I'll be here to help you when it's over." She ended up crying herself to sleep in my arms, which I think was partly just to escape the whole scene, she just shut down. I held her and rocked her for a long time afterwards with her doing the after-cry snivel. It was a sweet moment, but a difficult moment too. However, that was yesterday.

Today, the disconnects were much shorter and the one where I allowed her to have her blanket was almost no time, less than five minutes, I'd say. And she was rubbing my lip and whispering to me and it was precious. Marianne says the goal is for her to need me and not the blanket, eventually, but that right now, all the feelings and emotions she is experiencing are overwhelming to her and that is the one thing that is comfortable so I don't want to take that away from her. She has about ten of these little silky blankets and I've finally had to start limiting how many she can carry around because she would keep them all with her. I finally made her one that is about the size of a 4x6 photo that she can take anywhere she goes.

Anyway, why am I posting all this? I don't want to scare any of you who are in the process of your adoption. I don't want to freak out my neighbors or my friends and family. But I am posting this because there have been alot of posts out there about the need to be the primary caregiver, the need for family and friends to give space, etc. etc. etc. But no one that I have seen has been this descript about what it actually looks like when those things aren't done. People make the comment that she seems to be so well attached, she knows who mommy is, etc. Not really. As another blogger said, "she's comfortable" with me. She doesn't really know I'm Mommy in the same sense we think of Mommy because she has no reference for what a mommy is. She doesn't know for sure that I am going to be here day after tomorrow, which is one reason the fits are getting more violent, she cares more now whether I stay or go and that is a scary feeling to someone so little and so out of control of every single thing in her life. So, this is the honest, bare truth of what a tenuous attachment looks like. It's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. It's not a cookie cutter, some kids attachment issues look totally different. It's certainly something we can and WILL work through! She will attach to us. She will be in a totally different state of mind this time next year. But she is not as far along as I thought she was. And I am, of course, now rethinking the whole mother's day out thing. This is laying it all out there for you all to see. It's with the hope that it's helpful for someone whose reading, not to scare anyone away from adoption or trying to befriend our sweet Meg.

The good news is that I asked Marianne if I shouldn't let anyone else pick her up, etc. and to my surprise, she said it was fine. That as long as others weren't taking on a caregiver roll, it was okay to let her sit in the lap of a friend or play with the girls in the neighborhood. So that is actually a relief to me because I need the break that this allows. It's harder to do this attachment parenting thing with three other kids and sometimes it's a necessity that Meg be able to sit in Sonja's lap while I go tend to a task with another child, etc.

Attachment is not something that happens in six weeks, or even fully in six months. In some ways, all our kids are constantly deepening and changing their attachments to us. A third grader certainly has different trust needs than those of a two year old, so this is something that will evolve through the years. However, for now, we know Meg's little heart is broken. Tonight as I was rocking her to sleep, I just asked God to heal her. I asked Him to make her whole and allow her to love and trust us. I asked Him to fulfill in her everything that He knows she can be. And I told her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her first 19 months of life. I am so sorry that she was left. I am so sorry that her mother wasn't able to care for her and that meant she had to figure it out on her own and be in control of herself way too early in life. This shouldn't happen to anyone. But, I also told her that my life and hers were both aligned to allow us to find one another. I had set out five years ago to adopt a daughter when I found out we were expecting Connor. That was all because Connor was supposed to be part of our life, but also because Meg was too! I know that God had a very specific plan for bringing us together with this precious little soul. And I know He is not going to leave His work incomplete in her. He will perfect her in His perfect way!

Please please please know that we are fine. I am fine! I am not in shock, I am not distraught. I am heartbroken for my daughter, but I am also privileged to be the one God has chosen to walk her through this. This is not a surprise to me and it's not scary to me. I have a peace. I know what needs to be done and I am able and ready to do it. That's the blessing of it all. I have the experience and the resources we need and God provided that all before we needed it. Again, I only share this story so that if you are a blog stalker, like me, you can read this post... then you can go read Adrienne, or Melissa, or Susan and know what precipitates those bonding posts. I don't have all the answers, I have hardly any answers. I do things wrong every day. But I do some things right too. And as long as I get more things right than wrong, we're all going to get out of this boat on the other side of the storm and realize we've arrived just where we were supposed to be! If you find yourself wanting to do something helpful, stop and say a prayer. Pray that God will heal Meg's heart, but also that he will protect every little heart left behind and give them something in reserve for when they need it. Ask Him to heal every child who has already been adopted and give us and all the other parents the patience, love and answers we need to make it right for these little ones who so deserve it to be spot on!

It's a two-verse kind of day:
Psalm 22:24
"For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."

Nahum 1:7
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."

Soap Box Expedition, pardon the divergence!

Okay, I have to get on my soap box here for a minute. It's adoption related, but a bit of a rant, so read at your own risk and please don't bother to slam me because this is my story and I'm sticking to it! :) Just talk amongst yourselves while I rave for a moment!

I subscribe to a magazine called "Real Simple". I subscribed to it, trying to break away from my traditional "Southern Living" and do something new and different. I have to be honest and say that I haven't been all that into it, I miss my sweet tea embellished recipes and fall centerpieces, but anyway, live and learn. But the other day, I get a "special issue" of Real Simple in the mail called, "Real Simple Family." Looks like it might be a good one, sleep tips, healthy cookie recipes, etc. etc. until I notice the highlighted "EXCLUSIVE" on the front that says "Barrack Obama on raising his two happy girls." Okay, fine... you can do a story for a family magazing on Barrack Obama and his 2 happy girls... who were raised in a homogenous family (two parents who are married, wealthy, and look exactly like them makes them pretty "average" in my book) and how hard it must be to be "happy" when you are raised with such privilege. (Would this be a good time to mention that McCain has four kiddos?) But please, do NOT insult me by not offering the colorful story of the McCain's parenting and family stories, after all, they are a blended family (from two separate marriages, more the American norm these days) AND a multi-cultural/multi-racial family formed through ADOPTION! I can't personally believe the adoption community is not up in arms over the fact that there is so little play on the McCain's adoption. Folks, we have a chance to have an INTERNATIONALLY adopted child in the White House. I wonder when there was even last an adopted child in the White House, but I know for sure there hasn't been an internationally adopted child. Talk about gaining support. I found an article where McCain talks about the need to make the adoption process easier and more do-able for more kids to find homes (click the title of this post for a link to the article.) Where are our adoption advocates on this? Where are the masses of the adoption community (both domestic and international) lauding him and using this opportunity to get some much needed press for the need for adoption? Why aren't people out in masses showing this family as a living example of the benefits of pro-life societies? Why aren't we parading faces of kiddos in foster care and numbers of babies in world-wide orphanages in front of this major international stage?

I know, I know, it's easy for me, a staunchly pro-life white, middle class woman, to find reasons to applaud the McCains. Don't even start telling me all the stuff that makes them "the enemy." I know all the bad stuff about the embellished truths, etc. etc. My point is not VOTE FOR JOHN McCAIN... my point is, we have a huge opportunity here to exploit the situation. This is perhaps the highest profile international adoption family of our time at the moment (I know we have Madonna and Angelina, but those are hardly "mainstream" stories.) I know McCain's story isn't mainstream either, but he also didn't waltz into an orphanage and pick out the healthiest child and go home with her. His wife found two sick and possibly dying kids and gave them homes and hope. Not quite like the A-list adoption stories you'll get when you look at the celebs. Here's a child in a Bangladesh orphanage, cleft palate, and little chance at survival. Here's her orphanage-mate with a heart condition, both needing surgery, and Cindi McCain brings them home and who among us in the adoption community can't relate to how that must have felt!

Okay, so I am cancelling my subscription to Real Simple. I'm writing the letter to their editor, Kristin van Ogtrop asking her to please consider the opporunity at diversity that she overlooked in not giving equal time here. I am telling her that I am cancelling my subscription to her magazine and encouraging all my adoptive family friends to do the same. So, that's what I'm doing through this post. I am asking you to consider writing a letter to Real Simple, cancel your subscription if you have one, and let them know that we value adoptive parents and want to hear their stories. Interesting that the only real articles I could find about their adoption were from more obscure sources... there are mainstream pieces that mention the adoption, but not stories about the adoption. I think this is a great time to refer to the title verse of this site!

James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

Reality Check

Well, speak it and God will prove you wrong! Seriously, at almost 40 with four kids, I must be the most clueless person on the planet. I still have SO much to learn.

Today we had a little reality check, which sent me searching for a more comfortable sling or carrier that won't break the bank. But if I don't find another alternative in the next couple of days, I'm splurging for the Ergo carrier everyone raves about.

First, let me just veer off the subject for a nano-sec... Sister got a haircut at Sweet and Sassy and she looks so much cuter without the mullet. See photos for proof! :)



Anyway, today, Meg started the smacking routine almost as soon as she woke up. So I had had it, really, I was just done with it and didn't know how in the world to get my point across that I wasn't kidding about "nice hands." So, I was too firm with her and she cried for thirty minutes. But that wasn't the reality check. The reality check came when she tried to "reconnect" with me on HER terms. I made the initial reconnection attempt by kissing her hands and rubbing her face softly. She would not let me touch her hands. She pulled away from me. So I put her in the baby sling and held her very close. I got out some food to try to feed her face to face, but she refused all attempts. Then she grabbed my nose, made a funny noise and said, "Nose." So my heart did a little flip, realizing that she was trying to control the reconnection and make it on her terms. She was rejecting my terms of reconnection, most likely from fear of rejection and from experience at controlling the situation around her. I kept her in the carrier until she allowed me to kiss and rub her hands and she allowed me to hand feed her grapes. And until she genuinely wanted down to play, not just to get away from me.

It was a very good reality check for me. I was cruising along thinking things were really settling in so much quicker than I thought. And then the mack truck of attachment hits me from behind and reminds me that we have SO far to go. We have not arrived at our destination, we haven't even stopped for our first real refill. We just had a pic-nic at a lovely little rest stop, but now we're back on the road again and we're all the wiser because we're rested up and we know the work we have ahead of us.

I post this because I want to say that there are SO many little subtle signs that might not mean much to most parents, but to post adoptive parents, they are everything! We are hyper sensitive because we MUST be! Bare with us while we readjust!

"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21

Give me one perfect child and six weeks....

Brian and I have always had this little running joke that our children start their first year of life in baby bootcamp. It's not a very delicate "joke", but truthfully, the ladies at the baby home know how to regiment and regulate a life. How else can you explain that a one year old will follow along perfectly on cue when there are 12 toddlers and two caregivers. Let's face it, we have two adults in this house and one third the number of children and we can't accomplish half the routine those ladies have mastered. Anyway, it never takes us long to totally ruin any positive work the Russians have done with our children. Give us a week or two with any kid and we can really "ruin their discipline." (The ladies at Meg's baby home asked us not to play with the children on our third day there because we were "ruining their discipline." I thought to myself, lady, you don't know the half of it.) Anyway... digress digress digress. My point is (and yes, I do have one) that Meg came to us this well behaved little diva (I say diva because from day one she would turn the tears on like a faucet if she heard the word "no".) who would eat any food presented to her, didn't like cold beverages of any type and don't even consider giving her a Coke to a child who now refuses food left and right. Blueberries were her favorite yesterday (and every day before that) but now she refuses them. She will sometimes eat a banana or an apple, but she prefers CHEESE. Just plain old sliced, processed cheese. She used to beg for yogurt every morning for breakfast, now she wants her dairy in the form of a YO-GO! Go figure! Ugh! And to top it off, sister drank the better part of my medium Coke this morning from Sonic. Okay, I will share just about anything in my world with any of my kids... but don't mess with Mama's caffeine, I NEED IT!!! Do you think that the 11:00 Coke explains why she wouldn't sleep for the entire two hours she spent in her crib from 1:00 to 3:00? Maybe. Anyway, how does this happen? I say to myself every time that we adopt that I am not going to ruin this one. I am not going to feed them the junk the rest of my kids like and I am not going to let them become picky eaters. But it's just so fun to watch them explore new tastes. But, how did she start liking my ice cold Cokes with the Sonic ice? And can someone explain to me how sissy sassy decided that hitting everyone who does not obey her every whim became a good idea in her mind? Seriously, how many times a day can a mother say, "No hitting, nice touch, gentle hands, etc. etc. etc." I mean, I know that time out is absolutely pointless at this point in her bonding and attachment (probably counter-pointless), and I know that smacking a child's hand and saying "don't hit" is about as moronic as hitting in the first place (plus, duh, I would not smack her hand anyway, she has only been home six weeks, but even if she was born to me, I just don't get why people think hitting your kid for hitting ever made any sense??? I just couldn't ever make that scenario work in my head.) Anyway, the smacking thing is out of control. She must have drawn back to hit me 30 times today and she hit just about everyone else that came within smacking range too. Maybe it was too much caffeine. The other thing she does that would be funny if I wasn't always so doggone worried about bonding is that if anyone says the word "no" in her presence, she dissolves into tears and runs the other direction or throws herself onto the floor in a puddle and performs the most pitiful act you've ever seen in your life. Is this regular girl drama? I mean, people, you should see the Academy performances. But of course, I have to "reconnect" so I figure out a way to make it safe for her to come back. I am trying to repeat the words of our "attachment counselor" in my head over and over. The funny thing is, the attachment counselor isn't even for her, but it all applies to her. Sort of convenient that I am taking this Parent Child Interaction training right now while I happen to be trying to attach to a child. (I’m a “test subject” for my friend who is making a training video, etc. etc. etc… long story you don’t’ care to hear about.)

One thing I can imagine is adding to the drama level around here is that there are about five neighbors who's children live to follow Meg around and cater to her every whim. Seriously, I think the girl is probably beginning to think she has been made the queen of Egypt or something. I have these two or three SWEET neighbor girls who just literally follow Meg around and ooh and ahh over her. They are the sweetest children and I love having them here because she is getting attention and I can actually fold a basket of laundry with two hands (usually one of them is holding her on my hip.) But I think it's giving the girl a goddess complex. :) It's okay, she seriously deserves it. I mean, to think where she was to where she is now and I can't help but spoil the little angel. Oh, how blessed we are, smacking hands and all! :)

I have been really struggling lately with how to combine my two blogs. The boys have their own blog too, you know. I'm adding a link to it over there on the right hand side. But anyway, it just seems silly that there are two. I have this whole other life that most readers of this blog don't even know about. It involves three fourths of my children. That's 75% of my time that goes unheralded by me in my widest circle of "cyber friends" as my "real life friend" Amie calls you guys! :) Anyway, I still haven't figured out how I can have a PINK ON PINK blog with a bunch of pictures of dirty boys on it. And there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going generic with this thing. Plus, that might just be too confusing to have to switch the name around. My other blog is ephesiansonefive.blogspot.com. That makes alot more sense than having the boys all pile into Mary Margaret Maybe.

Well, ramble ramble ramble... just ignore me while I have a moment to myself here.

Goodbye for tonight from the land of ruined discipline.

Proverbs 22:6
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Pardon our dust while we improve!

Hey, look at this... I'm in the middle of remodeling, so, like a hotel, I am asking you to pardon the dust while I make some changes. The dust, in my case, is that now that I have this fancy new background, the words stretch too far to the side and it's harder to read. But I'm working on all that. Thanks to Susan, I am slowly learning how to make this place a little more interesting... before you know it, I'll be getting a job coding HTML (NOT!!!) But anyway, this progress will most likely be slow because I get short little bursts of time to work on this so please be patient... but hopefully we'll be more exciting very soon! :)

4:15 AM... are you kidding me?!

Mamma say what!?!?!?!?!



Okay, why? WHY?!! am I awake at 4:15 and better yet, why have I been awake since 2? And why do I not feel like I am going back to sleep anytime soon? Someone please rescue me because I am already wondering how in the HECK I am going to make it through my day tomorrow. About 10 I'm going to pass out!

For all you Ozzy Osbourne fans, I just want to apologize right off the bat. Crazy Train is still on there, but I had to shuffle them around. I just couldn't stand logging onto my blog and hearing "all aboard" every single time. It was funny the first few days, but now not so much!



We crossed a major bridge tonight with Sissa Prissa. I had a meeting and I could not take Meg... I have been LIBERATED! She stayed with Daddy for the first time with no tears. She was very happy when I got home and didn't run to me and dissolve into tears. She went to baseball practice and sat like a big girl for dinner and never whimpered for me. FREEDOM!!!! Now, we'll work on getting her used to the babysitter.

Now that the big boys are back in school, life has settled into a calm pace. HOWEVER, I am finding my days a little boring. I can't believe I am saying this. Boring never describes my life. I mean, it's all I can do to get half my list accomplished every day. But the thing is, the big boys are big time playmates for Connor. With all the kids in our neighborhood, there is always someone around the house and something to do. Connor is suffering major withdrawals. I really am starting to think I might have made the wrong decision to only send him to school two days/week this year. I think he is going to need more! We've got to find some serious pass times.

Well, since I am blogging about nothing... I will post a few photos. My computer is SO slow, that should kill some time before the kids wake up! :) And also, if you read my blog and know how to customize this thing, please let me know. Susan suffered from insomnia and we all benefited because her blog is all "purty" now and I just love to go there and "sit" because it makes me happy! (Check it out under Journey to Adopt on the right hand side.) But my blog is just busy and boring and it does not make me happy. Oh yeah, and while I have your attention... (or maybe not) if you have never visited this chic http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com then you simply MUST jump over there and take a look. God can do amazing things with a heart, can't He?


The girl doesn't want to miss a bite of anything... not only is this how wide her mouth gets for watermelon, this is also how she prepares for a drink! :)

All About the Music

I have always been a huge fan of music. I feel that music can so often express what our feelings and surroundings are better than words could ever accomplish. So in that light, I have sort of involuntarily noticed that I am choosing "theme music" for the blog. Nobody Told Me (there'd be strange days, etc.) was definitely a track that explained those first few days at home. But, now things have lightened up a little... it's more of a all over crazy than a "this is new kind of crazy." So... my middle son's favorite song is Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. As we were listening to it on the way to church this morning, I told my husband that this is definitely the new soundtrack to getting the kids out the door in time for anything! :) So tomorrow morning should be REAL interesting when I have to have ALL FOUR of us out the door by 7:45 for the first day of school. I'll be singing Crazy Train to myself in an effort to keep it real and remind myself to see the humor.

If you can't find humor in the fact that we listen to Ozzy Osbourne on the way to church, then you just have no sense of humor at all! :)

Genesis 18:12
"Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?"

All I really need to know, I learned in a month of parenting!

One month ago yesterday, we arrived in Nashville to officially start our life as the parents of four children. I have seen alot of posts on different blogs about the things children learned in the first month home. Kids certainly make amazing transformations and learn new things every single day. They blossom like little flowers in the sun when they are loved and nurtured. However, that is not what this blog is about. We all know Meg is amazing... but this is about the lessons she has taught me.

I have learned that one dishwasher is not enough for a family with four children.

I have learned that four kids and one big dog can make your hardwood floors so dirty, that after a day of walking on them in bare feet, you will leave footprints on your tan carpeting.

I have learned that I will never have another night of full, uninterrupted sleep, because by the time these kids are sleeping through the night, they'll be staying out late, and when they leave, I'll be in menopause and have insomnia.

I have learned that strollers are nice with the first three, but imperative with the fourth for the mere purpose of crowd containment. Yeah, I'm using the straps on the stroller now!

I have learned that a Toyota Sequoia will indeed, hold eight passengers, three of them in car seats.

I have learned that blogging is difficult, keeping up with other people's blogs is near impossible, and having a full conversation with a friend is completely impossible.

I have learned to type one-handed while holding a squirming toddler who is banging the keyboard.

I have learned that after a month of transition, even an hour alone at Wal-Mart at 10 PM can seem like a trip to the spa.

I have learned that my heart, indeed, can expand to contain all the amazing things I feel for each of my children individually! And that adoption and parenting can be the most rewarding experience imaginable.

I have learned that seeing your daughter start to embrace her dad and brothers as much as they embrace her is absolutely thrilling.

I have learned that if the theory of evolution were truth, moms would have grown four arms many centuries ago.

I have learned that I have reached my limit in the number of children I intend to parent.

I have learned that the things you worry the most about (how the transition would be for my three year old) are never the things that culminate (he's embraced her more than the other two), but it's the things you never anticipate that actually throw you for a loop (nine months of TB medication.)

There you have it, the fun things that having four kids has taught me in only one short month. It's been such a fun ride. My heart almost exploded last night when Brian walked through the door and Meg squealed with delight and then ran to him with her arms up. Yesterday, we went to the YMCA and I sat in the nursery for about 30 minutes with Meg, just to get her used to it. She had alot of fun playing with the other kiddos, so we decided to try for Mother's Day out two days a week in the fall.

One month ago today!

Yes, one month to the day, we walked out of Baby Home Number 12 in St. Petersburg. And wow, how far we have come in one month. We've gone from a little girl who was motion sick, to a child who loves to swing and ride in the boat. A child who was fearful of every new face to a child who tolerates just about anyone who will pay attention to her, and she loves to give five and say Hi to every passerby. This child who went to sleep within two minutes of being laid in bed has now discovered that if she cries, someone will come pat her back... so she does it about 10 times before drifting off to dreamland.

This little girl is so precious. I look at her sleeping, or when we are rocking, and I just can't believe she's here and she's mine. She fits in our family so perfectly. She was so meant to be the youngest in a family of boys... did I already say that? She is drama with a capital D, but she is also go with the flow. She goes on the boat and lets the wind blow her in the face and never complains, she just sits back and takes it all in. She is adjusting very well. She is getting more comfortable with other adults and she doesn't freak out when I walk out of the room now (for the time being.) She still doesn't like closed doors, but she is getting there. I am able to shower without her and with the door closed now. I'll take the little victories.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who was a little overwhelmed by some of the parenting sagas we all go through and I was telling her my favorite thing I try to remember on tough days is that "this is a season." Really, every season in our lives have their rewards and their challenges. This season of parenting young children is wonderful and amazing in that every day when you wake up, you have a purpose, you know what your life is about, you know what you need to do and you know you are needed. Every day you get to see some little amazing revelation that your child never saw before. You get to be a superhero by just retrieving a lost ball (hey, it's scary under our couch, you ever seen the stuff that's under there?) or mending a hurt knee or heart. You get to negotiate deals and relationships between siblings and friends. You are so many things to these little souls that you couldn't write it all in a job description. In short, Moms are priceless. So, obviously, I have been counting my blessings through the trials and triumphs of the transition period. My friend Amie started it. Every time I would complain or bemoan how tough it was, she would just answer with, "I guess the blessing in this is..." and then she would find SOMETHING positive to say. So, I reminded myself that this too is a season. And as I was trying to pep up my friend today on the phone, it occurred to me that actually, it's not just a life season, it's a seasonal season too. Whenever you find yourself in a tough spot, it never lasts much longer than a season... by winter, things will be different, etc. So, as my MIL says, I could stand on my head for three months. So I'm standing on my head and thanking my God for this beautiful child that I am so blessed to have in my life. I just really can't believe God gave her to a mere mortal, she looks so much like an angel to me! :) Don't believe me, see for yourself!



1 Samuel 1:27
"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted my petition, which I asked of Him."

Doctors, x-rays and needles! :(

Meg had her IA visit this week. We went back yesterday for her TB skin test to be read. We knew she had had a positive MANTU reaction in Russia, so it was no surprise to us that she, indeed, did have a positive test. Dr. Heil explained that this simply means she has been exposed to TB. Nonetheless, we had to have chest x-rays done at Vanderbilt to make sure she did not have active TB. After having just read Mountains Beyond Mountains, I was pretty familiar with TB treatment, course, etc. Probably a hidden blessing. Anyway, her x-ray was clear, just as Dr. Heil predicted (of course, he was right, as usual) and we are NOT contagious or a risk to anyone we come in contact with. It does, however, mean that she will have to have nine months of medication daily. Yuck! But it beats TB, for sure, so we are in search of the meds right now, as apparently it is on back order from the manufacturer. I need to call the health department today to see if they can get me some. It's probably our best bet.

Anyway, she also had her blood tests yesterday to check the immunization titers and all the Heps and HIV, etc. We don't have those results back yet, but that was all negative in Russia, so of course, we are expecting good things. She was not too happy about the lady drawing her blood, but she was a trooper, only a few tears. It was all made up for by the fact that she got a hospital id bracelet, which she is STILL wearing! hahaha

Meg met her Gee for the first time this week. He was not able to be here when she came home, so he was the last grandparent left to meet her. I think he won her over with the Hershey bars and the M and Ms! :)



Sleeping is still no good... I'm over it! I have a crick in my neck from sleeping on her floor. It's so bad I can barely turn my head. UGH! Double Grrr! It's got to give at some point, right? Any tricks are welcome at this point. I am a big believer in lots of sleep. My other kiddos all slept well in their cribs, I'm not going to break my streak now, so load me up with advice if you have any. I'll try anything at this point. Michelle suggested putting her in our bed, so last night when she woke up at 2AM, I put her in bed with me. That worked okay'ish until 6AM when she woke up ready to go and would have no part of just laying there letting us complete our eight hours... so no more of that for the sis!

Okay, I know the bow looks ridiculous in this photo, because she had been rubbing her head and somehow got it to the VERY FRONT of her forehead, but I love the two of them together and the shirt, which my MILs friend gave us, is just too cute... so I am posting it anyway. I'll use it as blackmail later in life when she is being bratty. (Which, by the way, she has a real knack for. I think she was born to be the baby of an all boy family because she is full of drama and crocodile tears when she doesn't get her way. She's very sassy... we should have named her bossy britches!)




Paka!

St. Petersburg Is....

I wrote the following post on our court day. I forgot that I had written it and wanted to be sure to post it for the record! :)


These are the things I think of when I remember St. Petersburg, obviously outside my precious daughter, that is! :)

1. World's Tiniest Hotel Room

2. Beautiful Canals that remind me of Venice, Italy

3. Crowded Sidewalks (especially on Nevsky Prospekt)

4. Smokers

(sorry, no photos of those, you'll just have to take my word for it, or smell my laundry!)

5. Very Beautiful Women!

(I suppose I could have taken photos, but then that might have appeared strange. But seriously, almost every woman you see in this city is super-model gorgeous, I mean GORGEOUS! I don't know where they get these genes, but they are very beautiful!)

6. Speeding Cars (seriously, watch out for your life)

7. Stray Cats

8. The Hermitage

9. No rules regarding lining up. Seriously, the stuff we learn in Kindergarten has just escaped the Russians. Even my Russian friends marvel at this phenomenon that you won't experience most anywhere else (so it's not just me!) There is no amount of personal space allowed. If you are being served at a counter, a Russian will come and stand RIGHT BESIDE you! Really right beside, not near, BESIDE! And if you allow the person in front of you in line the slightest amount of personal space, a Russian will fill that space, assuming you aren't in a hurry. So, if you are lining up to do something, remember to stand almost touching the person in front of you or else you'll never advance. I promise you won't be considered rude, it's the expected thing. Also, note that if you are carrying a baby, it's perfectly acceptable to go straight to the front of the line... now that rule I could get used to! :) I think that's where they get the rules for driving too! :)

10. Savior on the Spilled Blood Church

11. Giant Gutters (seriously, can you imagine the torrent of water that comes out of that sucker?)

12. Miracles!

WHAT?! was I thinking????

Every seasoned mother knows that kids are like little pit vipers, they can smell it when you think you have victory and that's when they move in for the kill. Every mom knows NEVER to tout a success or say they think they have it under control... NEVER EVER do you do that because that's when the little monsters will pull the ace out of the hole and knock you off your feet... so, yep, that's what Meg did. She gave me a few good nights with the door open, just to lull me into that sense of success. She let me believe I knew a thing or two, ONLY to completely change the rules on me. UGH! It's worse than ever. She decided that the door open stuff wasn't enough, she simply MUST have ME (no one else, just me) standing or sitting in the room with her. That would be fine and dandy if she would just lay down and go to sleep, but when I am in there, she's being all coy and trying to make me laugh and get my attention. Anyway, it's what I get. Four kids into this thing I knew better. Every time I say "never" or "not me", that's when the kids punch me right in the gut and make me eat my words... motherhood is a humbling profession isn't it? God has a great sense of humor, that's for sure.

The Secret!

Okay, I know "The Secret" is some book Oprah loves... but the REAL SECRET is what I found yesterday... and it's how to get Meg to sleep in her crib without me spending an hour in her room sitting on the floor pretending not to look at her. You just plop her in the crib, walk out of the room and LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN! Yep! That was the key. And how did I discover this? Well, I did the rocking, singing, sitting on the floor thing and then Connor poked his head in the door:
Connor: Will you sleep with me?
Mom: Not right now buddy, I'm putting Meg to sleep. Ask Daddy.
Connor: I did, he said, "No!"
Mom: Okay, I'll come in there for a minute, but if she cries, I have to come back in here.
Connor: Okay!

I walk out, leave the door open, tell her I'll be back, and go to Connor's room. No crying, not a peep, just rolled over and went to sleep. Fluke? Maybe, so I try it again today at nap, read, sing, into bed, door open. Not a peep! Wow! Okay, again tonight at bedtime, no crying. I think we've found the solution. I should have clued in when she made me shower with the door open. She hates closed doors, I can't even walk into the bathroom with the door closed because she freaks out no matter what. So, now, we do the bedtime routine, wait for her to go to sleep and then close the door. I'm liberated! :)

Here's a photo from the week... because I know you're dying to see one! hehehe

Nobody Told Me? Not exactly....

Okay, maybe you've notice that my new "theme song" for the blog is "Nobody told me there'd be days like these."... strange days indeed. The truth is, people did sorta tell me, or at least they tried to. But, as is typical for me, I didn't listen. Or more likely I just thought I was above it all, like somehow, I'm different. Anyway, duh, here I am in the middle of strange land. What makes it strange? Glad you asked! The most amazingly strange thing is that I (me, Ondrea, moi) am the person who is making the rules (sort of), I am the one responsible for keeping these four little people safe. I am the "responsible" one in this scenario (I mean, not counting Brian, he's definitely more responsible than me. He even remembers to make the coffee the NIGHT BEFORE so that it's waiting for us when we get up. I always procrastinate when he is out of town and then regret it when I have to wake up to no coffee, but that's a whole other post.) Anyway, that is definitely strange that here I am, with four kids, actually doing stuff like chairing the PTO at our school and being involved in change in our neighborhood and taking baby gifts and getting food delivered to me from alot of good Southern women because I have a new baby. This is stuff that's supposed to happen to grown ups! I mean, did you catch that? I have FOUR kids! I have FOUR KIDS! I HAVE FOUR KIDS! Aaaaggggghhhhhh!

Being Catholic, we know our fair share of folks who have four kids (and five and six for that matter.) But I can't believe I am old enough to have four kids. I mean, here I am living this thing that I wanted for SO long in my life. I am in the midst of my dream. This is surreal and oh so real at the same time. I am over-gifted from God. I love that term, "over gifted", it's from my friend Marina who was trying to tell us that we had brought her too many gifts when we made our second trip to Russia. The truth is, I am just drowning in this blessing and basking in it all at the same time. I am so very over the top happy to have all my kiddos home at last and putting their feet under one table. As far as I know, I don't have to worry about or think about one not being loved or cared for anymore. I don't have to wonder where in the world one is. I don't have to long for or feel that empty spot any more. I am so overjoyed and THANKFUL beyond belief for the promise God has fulfilled. I am just in absolute awe and wonder at what He can do with so little as what He had to work with when He and I started out on this journey to me being a mommy.

I am also drowning in the blessing too. I mean, I do have those moments (mostly in the mornings before 8 when Meg is up and I am too, though I would rather not be, and no one else is awake yet) where I wonder how in the world I am going to get through the next 11 hours until it's time to start the bedtime routine. But I have awesome kids. And the day is never quite as bad or as tiring as I imagine it will be. Well, actually, sometimes it is as bad and as tiring, but not usually. And even so, it's all part of the ride. It's what earns us moms our special stripes on the sleeve of our secret jackets. It's what gets us the extra stars in our crown. It's what makes our kids really want us when times get really tough, for the rest of our lives, most of us want our moms (all things being equal) when the going gets really really tough. I mean, there are times when things are SO bad that the only person you can really call is your mom. And that's because of all the crap your mom did for you when you were little. And I keep reminding myself of that because I am doing alot of crap right now. Both figuratively and literally! :)

Anyway, this post is basically to say that I am still in the middle of transition land, but the clouds have thinned out a little. It's not storming cats and dogs now, it's just a light drizzle. Most of my neighbors might tell you that I'm returning somewhat to normal, life is looking a little less squeezed over here. The house is looking worse than ever, but we do open the blinds now at least! :) Everyone is adjusting, including me (I'm always the first to advocate change and the last to embrace it.) Anyway, things on the sleep side have gotten better since we switched to the crib. Dangit, I just hate it when my mother-in-law is right. She gently suggested to me on the first day we were home that I might consider getting the crib down and saving the little pink bed (the TO DIE FOR PINK PRINCESS BED... remember?) for later. "Oh no," I replied, "She was already in a toddler bed in the orphanage and I have all this bedding (spoken like first time girl mother) and it's so cute and I just HAVE to use the pink bed RIGHT NOW!" (Seriously, didn't I already have three kids who I begged to sleep in a crib until they were 16... WHAT WAS I THINKING?) Anyway, dangit, she's always right! Seriously, she is always right and for some reason after 14 years of knowing this woman, I always think "this time I'm right" and always have to eventually end up saying, "You were right, I should have listened." Oh well, good thing I hadn't sold the crib (yeah, right, like that's gonna happen) and anyway, the pink bed is still in the room, only now it has all her dolls and stuffed animals in it. She will still sleep in it, but she will probably be three!

Oh, and by the way, just to prove I am a crazed, drowning mother of four, yesterday I drove to our beloved Dr. Heil's office (in BELLEVUE!) only to find out that her appointment is NEXT MONDAY! UGH! Imagine my frustration! For those of you who are not from Nashville, I drive about 45 minutes to the pediatrician because I am absolutely certain there is not another doctor in the entire world as wonderful and smart and Godly and all around perfect as Dr. Paul Heil and we are so lucky that he is a short 45 minutes away, how could I not drive over there. Besides, my kids are so worth it! Anyway, I drove all that way, walked in with her in her adorable smocked bubble and pink shoes and the receptionist says, "Honey, you guys are on the schedule for next Monday. I would fit you in but we don't have your chart here from the business office yet." Oh well...

Psalm 67:1
"God be gracious to us and bless us, And cause His face to shine upon us-"

Uzbekistan Family

Will the family who posted the comment a few days ago, who is adopting a child from Uzbekistan, please contact me directly. I tried to find your blog, but it's invitation only and I can't figure out how to find your e-mail address. I would like to talk to you about Uzbekistan as that is where our daughter is from.

Thanks! You can e-mail me directly through the blog link or at ondreaharrison@gmail.com.

Sorry for the delay, but things are a bit busy!

Okay, blog stalkers! I know you have been trying very nicely to give me some space as our family adjusts, but I know I have a responsibility to keep the torch going, so here goes, a 50,000 foot fly by of the first two weeks at home with a little girl among all the princes.

She is warming up very nicely to Daddy, which was our number one prayer every night. Now she reaches for him, lets him pick her up for short periods of time, plays with him, eats with him, and actually gave him a kiss tonight. Big big progress in two weeks time.

She likes the pool, which is a good thing for a swim team family. She will go pretty much anywhere if I am holding her, but will play on the step alone with her toys for short periods of time now.

She has adjusted to all the little girls in our neighborhood who want to hold her and talk to her all the time. At first, she was very scared of them, now she gives high fives, waves, and smiles at them.

Whenever a car drives down our street and we are in the yard she says, "Hi!" and waves her little hand.

There are too many new words in English to count them all, but the big ones are Concon (short for Connor, big brother), Hi, Thank You (something close), Love you, Bye Bye (and she interchanges it with Paka from time to time too), Night Night and Yum Yum Yum (which she says after almost every bite of anything.

She is sleeping later in the mornings, somewhere between 6:15 and 6:45 is the norm. She is getting harder to put to sleep. She doesn't cry, which I am very thankful for, but I have to lay with her or rub her hair until she gets to sleep and that takes the better part of an hour now where it used to take only about 30 minutes. She stays in her bed though, and doesn't get out until someone comes for her, which is very nice.

The boys are adjusting pretty well. I really couldn't ask for any better from any of them. Jack and Meg have formed a mutually ga ga relationship. She lets him wag her all over the house and play with her alot. She is really having fun with Connor alot too. I tried to get a photo of them both on the electric Harley tonight, but she bailed off before I got the camera, he never stopped, he just kept moving and she rolled into the grass. She's a tough cookie! :)

We've learned alot about parenting girls in the past two weeks, but we still have SO much to learn. Wow, are they different from boys! One thing that we learned about our girl in particular is that she does NOT like to be naked.... EVER! I mean, when I am changing her diaper, or getting her ready for bed, she cries until there is some article of clothing on her. We figured out that if we put her in the bathtub in her bikini bottom, she will play forever. The minute I take it off (because the part that it covers is the most in need of some soap and water), she freaks out. I can even wash her hair and pour water to rinse her head without too much protest, but take off those bottoms and buddy bar the door!

So, that's the first two weeks' highlights. Sorry I have been so dilinquent in writing. It's not that I can't check e-mail or look at other blogs, it's that she wants to sit in my lap and bang on the keyboard so I can't exactly respond or write when she is awake. By the time she has gone to bed, I've usually collapsed, but it's Friday night and I refused to get in bed before 10:30. Yes, yes, I know, it's still lame that I'm blogging on a Friday night at 10:00, but at least I'm awake, this is progress! :)

Good night all you Bloggerlanders. I'll leave you with a few photos!

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